"Mandatory" Spouse Work Dinner - wife can't go. Advice?

[Javery]

For some strange reason my firm is having a "spouse night" where they want everyone to bring their spouse out to dinner (yes, it is exactly like The Firm around here). The email I got from my boss said attendence is mandatory - "no excuses". I'm 99% sure my wife isn't going to go. We have a newborn at home who needs to be close to a boob at all times so we just can't go out of the house to stuff like this. The email also said for people with babies and toddlers to line up babysitters - we don't have a babysitter mainly because the baby is too young and I don't trust anyone. Anyway, I know this is going to be a problem when I RSVP and one of my friends here told me she pretty much has to go and I have to make it work somehow. What should I do?

[munch]

Where do your parents/parents in law live? Also, invest in a breast pump.

[Mr Unoriginal]

Have your wife bring the kid and breast feed it the entire night.

I know sometimes that for these events, a few people will get together money for a few babysitters to do all the kids at once. Not sure if that would make you feel better or worse.

The other obvious answer is for your family to watch the child, but I'm guessing it's not an option or you would have mentioned it.

Even if your wife really feels she can't go, I would show up alone.

[Javery]

I am definitely going. My parents live 40 minutes away but the dinner is on a Wednesday and they both work - there's really no way for them to get out of work, get to my house and have her make dinner by 6. I'm planning on going straight from work.

She does pump the milk but he hates the bottle (although he is getting better at it). I suppose we could torture him for the night if we had someone to babysit but I just don't think it's fair for it to be mandatory for the spouses - it's not like she works here.

[rscaramelo]

Go alone. I bet most of the people mandating that spouses attend had nanny's that knew their children better than they did. If they have a problem with it then tough shit. Family rules trump work rules.

RC

[jaykrue]

I'll go w/ rscaramelo's suggestion. What relevance is there to a law firm for a lawyer's significant other to show up to a social event unless she herself is a lawyer of the same firm? Does the law firm benefit in any significant way (financially, publicity, etc.)? Or is this a schmoozing event? Otherwise, it is irrelevant. If you must, lie through your teeth and say your wife's sick at home and go alone.

[seanw]

Yeah, "mandatory spouse" is a big WTSF (what the fuck) to me. Assuming that all parents can find responsible weeknight babysitters at the drop of a hat, or even given two weeks' notice, is pretty arrogant.

[youbastards]

Demand work-sponsored day care, and when refused, slap your boss in the mouf! :lol:

[shrike4242]

The well-being of your baby is more important than the need of your wife to be at your work dinner.

You should go with your gut on this one and let your wife get a bye.

[HeadRusch]

hehehe...thats funny, a company mandiating an after-hours get together. Ask them if they are planning on paying you for your time while you are at the dinner otherwise remind them that free time is your time, and you choose how to spend it. :)

Tell your wife to stay home with your child and ignore your witless boss. Go stag if you absolutely have to.

[xmrblondex]

bring your other wife!

[Milkyman]

maybe you could bring a substitute, a female friend, or ex girlfriend.

[Javery]

These types of dinners are just one of those necessary evils that come with working at a place like this but I do tend to draw the line at dictating what my wife "must" do. I'm fine with having to go myself but I'm certainly not the boss of her. They had a dinner in early April and she skipped that one too because she's a CPA and the dinner was held like April 10 or something. I caught a lot of shit for it then and when this was being discussed the boss specifically singled me out and said something along the lines of "it's not tax season so everyone should be able to attend." I just find the whole situation weird - what difference does it make who my wife is or what she is like?

[Salmonday]

What the fuck is this party -- a company sponsored swinger hookup?

[Zen Davis]

I am definitely going. My parents live 40 minutes away but the dinner is on a Wednesday and they both work - there's really no way for them to get out of work, get to my house and have her make dinner by 6. I'm planning on going straight from work.

She does pump the milk but he hates the bottle (although he is getting better at it). I suppose we could torture him for the night if we had someone to babysit but I just don't think it's fair for it to be mandatory for the spouses - it's not like she works here.
Just talk to someone who is in charge of the situation and see if you can work something out. Communication is important in these things. Help them understand your reasons for not being able to bring your wife along. But it seems like these people will take it as your wife saying she is too good to join them.

Essentially when people with some measure of power throw a party or get together, it's to reaffirm their own status, wealth, and power, and when people no-show, it hurts their self-esteem because, 'Why in the world would someone not one to come to MY party?! and to them, your wife is snubbing them.

[munch]

I say find a way to go.

[Mr Unoriginal]

The boss wants to do some grab-assin' with your wife, he's tired of the old bags in the office.

[seanw]

If you are the odd-man-out here in being able to bring your wife, and you're catching heat for it, then ask them to include you in the early-stage party planning.

[jaykrue]

These types of dinners are just one of those necessary evils that come with working at a place like this but I do tend to draw the line at dictating what my wife "must" do. I'm fine with having to go myself but I'm certainly not the boss of her. They had a dinner in early April and she skipped that one too because she's a CPA and the dinner was held like April 10 or something. I caught a lot of shit for it then and when this was being discussed the boss specifically singled me out and said something along the lines of "it's not tax season so everyone should be able to attend." I just find the whole situation weird - what difference does it make who my wife is or what she is like?

Necessary evil it may be but it still doesn't justify mandatory attendance for your wife. Free time is free time. I don't think you'll have too big a problem fighting this. If you're being paid for your time specifically for this dinner the story's different but I doubt that's the case. Maybe your boss wants your wife to attend because he thinks she's a hot lil number and thinks he can score some side action. I'm thinking of all the possible and logical reasons for her to go but there's really no justification for his emphasis to get your wife to attend outside of personal lust. Seriously, again, who the fcuk forces their spouses to attend a function that is irrelevant to the business? It's completely unjustified.

[munch]

If you are the odd-man-out here in being able to bring your wife, and you're catching heat for it, then ask them to include you in the early-stage party planning.

And call it the Party Planning Committee.

[Javery]

Well, he's never met my wife and I think he would expect everyone in the office to be able to bring their significant other - it's not like he is singling me out or anything. From his point of view he thinks he is being inclusive (and I do appreciate the offer) but I don't think he understands that *gasp* this might not sound like a fun night out or at the very least that it might not be feasible.

[Noodle Pirate!]

Tell them your baby has croup the day before and your wife wont leave it to a babysitter or family to take care of. Keep up the lie by having her call you all night with "updates" and try to keep a worried or pre-occupied look on your face the whole night. Also tell them your wife was looking foward to it and is disapointed she cant come.

[Maklershed]

Sounds like your law firm (or boss) wants to figure out if it has any gay employees.

[camoor]

So wait - you're a lawyer and you can't think of a good reason why your wife can't attend?

What would you say if a client didn't show up for an important meeting? You're a lawyer, you lie for a living - you were born for this man.

[Theduck]

Ah yes, the world of business. Yuck.

[Javery]

So wait - you're a lawyer and you can't think of a good reason why your wife can't attend?

What would you say if a client didn't show up for an important meeting? You're a lawyer, you lie for a living - you were born for this man.

Oh, I've got a million reasons - the issue is that no matter what the excuse the boss is going to be pissed at me which makes me want to scream because it makes no sense.

[Steggy]

so everyone in your firm is married? There are no singletons that work there? I would say just go alone, its not like everyone there would bring a spouse if they are not married.

[camoor]

Oh, I've got a million reasons - the issue is that no matter what the excuse the boss is going to be pissed at me which makes me want to scream because it makes no sense.

http://www.lovefilm.com/lovefilm/images/products/4/72484-large.jpg

[Zen Davis]

Oh, I've got a million reasons - the issue is that no matter what the excuse the boss is going to be pissed at me which makes me want to scream because it makes no sense.
It doesn't matter to him if it makes you want to scream. He made you an 'invitation' (which it really wasn't) and you better damn well go! (or so he says)

Wait. So he never met your wife? Take your sister or something. Just don't ever say that she is your wife and it won't be lying.

[AshesofWake]

wait has anybody suggested an escort service yet?

[Zen Davis]

wait has anybody suggested an escort service yet?

Go with that! Go with that!

[darthbudge]

I would say "Fuck You!" Kick a magazine rack over on your way out and enjoy getting to stay home and play video games all day long.

Seriously though, that is rediculous that it is "Mandatory". I couldn't stand working in a place like that.

[benjamouth]

I think you should just tell your boss exactly what you told us in the OP. Are they really gonna say "Well I don't care if it's a newborn and your wife doesn't want to leave the baby in someone else's care, just make it happen !!"

That would be BS of the highest order, the next thing I would do is start looking for another firm where they don't try to mandate how your wife spends her free time.

I've got a real chip on my shoulder about enforced office social events, but this is the worst case I've ever heard of.

But yeah, failing all that, get an escort.

[rajchakrabarti]

say you got divorced and turned gay.. and bring a buddy.

but seriously.. how can any company/firm force you do bring a wife to an event ? thats just crazy.

[Mr Unoriginal]

say you got divorced and turned gay.. and bring a buddy.

Better yet, why don't you actually just get divorced before the event and remarried after. I think this is truly the most logical thing to do.

[Plinko]

I'd threaten your boss with a lawsuit. Sweet, sweet irony.

[Machine]

Somebody mentioned magazine racks. I feel obliged to mention glitter. Now the thread is complete.

[camoor]

Your boss sounds like an ass.

At some point, every boss is going to have to depend on the good will of his employees for a little extra to get a project/case through a tough spot. That's why a boss should never abuse his power for stupid shit like this.

[PapiChullo]

1. Go Stag, say your wife refused/got sick, etc.--Are they going to fire you? Prob not.

2. Get a female friend to go in place and pretend she's a mute so she doesn't really have to lie about being your wife.

3. Go with one of your guy friends and make it really awkward for everyone else, and I be they won't have any more "mandatory" spouse nights. WTF is that BS.

[Ugamer_X]

Just say you're seperated at the moment.

If they ask why, explain that you got into a big argument over forcing her to go to the dinner. So she took the kids and went to her parents' house.

Problem solved.

[RAMSTORIA]

say that she left you and went to her parents house, then next week tell your boss you guys reconciled.

[keithp]

Man, are you guys REALLY that clueless about how big office politics work? You have to make a decision. Either go with your wife, or you will never get a promotion in that office and will always get shit assignments from your boss, it's that simple. It's not fair, no, but that's how it is unfortunately.

I suggest if you don't like it to find other employment ASAP, because once you don't show up WITH YOUR WIFE your career at that place is as good as over anyway.

Unless you can somehow get your boss canned. Hint, hint...

[jaykrue]

Man, are you guys REALLY that clueless about how big office politics work? You have to make a decision. Either go with your wife, or you will never get a promotion in that office and will always get shit assignments from your boss, it's that simple. It's not fair, no, but that's how it is unfortunately.

I suggest if you don't like it to find other employment ASAP, because once you don't show up WITH YOUR WIFE your career at that place is as good as over anyway.

Unless you can somehow get your boss canned. Hint, hint...

Sorry, office politics doesn't supercede family. I'm the boss of my own small company but I'd never force my employees to do something so inane as such. On company events, depending on the type of event, the only thing mandatory is clothing type such as tuxedos for formal events or uniforms for sporting events. I encourage employees to bring their spouses and/or families (if it's a family oriented event like a picnic) but I don't make it mandatory. That is completely asinine.

[benjamouth]

Man, are you guys REALLY that clueless about how big office politics work? You have to make a decision. Either go with your wife, or you will never get a promotion in that office and will always get shit assignments from your boss, it's that simple. It's not fair, no, but that's how it is unfortunately.

Yes you should think like that, if you have no balls.

[camoor]

Man, are you guys REALLY that clueless about how big office politics work? You have to make a decision. Either go with your wife, or you will never get a promotion in that office and will always get shit assignments from your boss, it's that simple. It's not fair, no, but that's how it is unfortunately.

I suggest if you don't like it to find other employment ASAP, because once you don't show up WITH YOUR WIFE your career at that place is as good as over anyway.

Unless you can somehow get your boss canned. Hint, hint...

It's like you learned everything you know about office work from an old Friends episode.

[HotShotX]

Sorry, office politics doesn't supercede family. I'm the boss of my own small company but I'd never force my employees to do something so inane as such. On company events, depending on the type of event, the only thing mandatory is clothing type such as tuxedos for formal events or uniforms for sporting events. I encourage employees to bring their spouses and/or families (if it's a family oriented event like a picnic) but I don't make it mandatory. That is completely asinine.
Agreed. Family always comes first, regardless of what's on the line. Go alone, be professional, and if anyone gives you shit about it, even the boss, you stand up for your family, and you stand strong.

Do not give excuses, do not look away when speaking, do not be meek. Your family is more important, and if they cannot make it, they can't make it. Anyone who doesn't like it can mind their own damn business.

Man, are you guys REALLY that clueless about how big office politics work? You have to make a decision. Either go with your wife, or you will never get a promotion in that office and will always get shit assignments from your boss, it's that simple. It's not fair, no, but that's how it is unfortunately.
I also agree with the comment to this quote that thinking this way is for suck-ups and those without balls. Your career is defined by your professionalism, not your family/sexual orientation, and if your boss/company is too dickheaded to realize that, then fuck them. Stay as long as you like, but really ask yourself if this is the shit you want to put up with from some asinine boss who thinks he's better than you, because HIS wife doesn't have anything to do :)

Long story short: Go Alone, and stand up to anyone who questions you when the time comes. Your family is more important, end of discussion.

~HotShotX

[Stoneage]

You're a lawyer....sue the firm!

Aside from that...video conference is my only idea, but that would probably not work or be cool.

[Ikohn4ever]

hire a hooker to fill in, just like in Curb Your Enthusiasm when he hired one to ride in the carpool lane


or

just say she has explosive diarrhea, everyone will understand then.

[ananag112]

javeryh: Did you actually talk to your boss about this? Just tell him your situation. I am sure he will understand.

If not, jut go to the event alone. If anyone asks, say you got into a big fight with your wife or that she got sick or something.

[keithp]

Sorry, office politics doesn't supercede family. I'm the boss of my own small company but I'd never force my employees to do something so inane as such. On company events, depending on the type of event, the only thing mandatory is clothing type such as tuxedos for formal events or uniforms for sporting events. I encourage employees to bring their spouses and/or families (if it's a family oriented event like a picnic) but I don't make it mandatory. That is completely asinine.

I agree, office politics SHOULDN'T supercede family, but in most big companies, especially good 'ol boy law firms and such where you are expected to toe the company line, that's just not how it works.

You can argue about how it SHOULD BE all you want, or say you've got no balls if you cave and go, but I'm just telling you all how it is. Don't shoot the messenger!

It's like you learned everything you know about office work from an old Friends episode.

No, from real life. You're the one with no clue if you think otherwise.

[JimmieMac]

She's gotta go. Period. If she doesn't go your going to be doing whatever the lawyer equivalent of peeling 50LB bags of onions for 8 hours is.

[ITDEFX]

what the fuck? Mandatory Work dinner? I have heard about Mandatory situations like that but nothing happens if you don't go.. I mean what they are going to write you up because you didn't eat with the boss? Is your boss trying to impress other people by telling his employees that they HAVE to come to show how BIG his company is??!?!?!

Don't go...stay with your wife and kid. I doubt they can fire you or write you up for not showing up for dinner.

[Javery]

She's gotta go. Period. If she doesn't go your going to be doing whatever the lawyer equivalent of peeling 50LB bags of onions for 8 hours is.

Deep down I know this is the right answer, unfortunately. My boss is an unreasonable person who lives in his own fantasy land where everyone likes him and we are all colleagues, etc. Who wouldn't want to spend a night out with him? I just need to suck it up.

[ejgarc]

new jersey is an "employment at will" state right? If it is and you seriously think he will fire you over this, then you need to bring your wife to this dinner.

[guinaevere]

excuses? I was always partial to: "Uh, well, I'd like to honey, but I'm a gay married impotent priest with a terminal illness and occasional herpes and I'm a hologram on the run from the law."

Sorry, office politics doesn't supercede family.For some people it does. If you go into a line of work or into a firm such as javery has, there will be times like this. This is why people in legal firms (this is not exclusive to law, but they are a great example) typically measure stress : salary. You want six figures, you work for it in more ways than one. It's a choice you make and there are significant sacrifices.


Javery, sounds like even asking your boss for a bye will put a red mark next to your name. You're going to have convince Mrs Javery to join you. She's your wife, she understands the situation. (if she doesn't you both need to have a discussion and come to a clear and decisive agreement as to what y'alls priorities are.) This is your career, and because of the firm you're in and those you work for, her attendance to certain functions is necessary. Not optional.

[lordxixor101]

Jev,

These are tough situations. I worked at an accounting firm liked this, but I hated these "extra work" things, so I blew them off. A year later, I was fired, said they had too many people (funny thing, everyone who went to every one of those things, they all kept their jobs. Was it related, maybe).

I think you need to figure out how important this certain job is, and what you're willing to put up with the rest of the time that you're there. You have just about the best excuse possible for the first one here. If you bring her along for this one, you are on the hook for all of these, whether she likes it or not. So, my suggestions

1) Tell the boss ahead of time that you will be there (sounds like you should go), but you have a newborn (I'm sure that he's aware), and after some consideration, it would be best for her to stay home with the baby. Not much he can really say to that (openly, anyway).

2) How gutsy are you? If you're nuts, bring the baby. Just do little things (nothing wrong) to make sure the baby is on the fussy side. Trust me, when you walk in, you are now the center of attention, everyone loves babies at these sort of things. Plus, once the baby starts crying, you make a graceful, quick exit. Either you are the office villian, or you just put your boss in his place, and you have a free pass out of all of these together. My suggestion is this, if you are willing to live with the consequences of it.

3) Get a babysitter. Perferably someone in the family or a very close friend that owes you big. I wouldn't go with a kid at this stage, since he will be fussy and deal with it. It is the safest option. Just wait for about 2 couples to leave, then duck out yourself. Definitely the safest option, but as I said before, if you bend here, you'll be going to all of these. Nothing wrong with that, just know what you're getting. At many jobs, if you intend to move up, this is the only option you really have.

[beeporama]

I have two friends entering the field of law so I understand how it is, but you need to weigh whether staying with this firm is worth the career advancement. If it was just going to be this one night of suck, I can see coercing your wife to go; but you're going to keep on facing these situations over and over. For how many years are you willing to put up with it?

What you're willing to do for your career is a decision you and your wife need to make together. If she does not agree that your career is worth this inconvenience, and you do, then that is a difference that is difficult to reconcile. Maybe you can "bribe" her in some way-- "suck it up and do this, honey, and our next vacation can be spent with your family."

On the other hand, if she enjoys the lifestyle that your current career path promises, she needs to understand that she has to help work for it to.

Me, I have chosen a path of lower stress and lower salary, and for the health of your marriage it is what I recommend to you. One of my lawyer acquaintances is going the public defender route; the pay is probably shit next to what you've become accustomed to, but the short weeks and lack of "golden handcuffs" is nice.

Good luck.

[daphatty]

For some strange reason my firm is having a "spouse night" where they want everyone to bring their spouse out to dinner (yes, it is exactly like The Firm around here). The email I got from my boss said attendence is mandatory - "no excuses". I'm 99% sure my wife isn't going to go. We have a newborn at home who needs to be close to a boob at all times so we just can't go out of the house to stuff like this. The email also said for people with babies and toddlers to line up babysitters - we don't have a babysitter mainly because the baby is too young and I don't trust anyone. Anyway, I know this is going to be a problem when I RSVP and one of my friends here told me she pretty much has to go and I have to make it work somehow. What should I do?

Um, yea. Something tells me such mandates are illegal. Regardless, if my boss tried to tell me some shit like that I'd have to put him in check. What goes on in my house is my business, i.e I AM THE BOSS. I wish someone would try some shit like that on me.

[Number83]

With situations like this, the truth always works the best. Sure, it will probably be tough around the office and you'll take a lot of heat for it...that is until the next party.

My company has 'Mandatory' holiday patries during work hours, and I'll blow off 3 out of every 4 of them. Why? I always make it a point to submit a vacation request as soon as the invitations are received. Can't make it if I'm out of town.

[Zen Davis]

Deep down I know this is the right answer, unfortunately. My boss is an unreasonable person who lives in his own fantasy land where everyone likes him and we are all colleagues, etc. Who wouldn't want to spend a night out with him? I just need to suck it up.

Called it!

[ITDEFX]

Deep down I know this is the right answer, unfortunately. My boss is an unreasonable person who lives in his own fantasy land where everyone likes him and we are all colleagues, etc. Who wouldn't want to spend a night out with him? I just need to suck it up.


uh...hello this is like this EVERYWHERE!!!

The only reason I would go, is if the food was really , really good and I didn't have to pay for anything.

[CocheseUGA]

If the wife doesn't want to go, don't make her go.

What's more important, the job or your wife's happiness?

[chakan]

If the wife doesn't want to go, don't make her go.

What's more important, the job or your wife's happiness?
Maybe keeping the job=wife's happiness.

Tough call, good luck javeryh

[ITDEFX]

we need an update...it's been nearly a month.

[1SwtDeception]

.. I want to know too. Damn me reading old threads.. at least this isn't a year old...

[keithp]

Wife sucked it up and went--it's in the other thread titled "I need an excuse!"

[chickensit]

What about the single men who work there?

[VanillaGorilla]

With all these questions, I have a solution for Javeryh:

Grow a pair

But seriously, tell the boss or whoever that the kid is still fresh out of the womb, and that mom needs to stay home and feed it tit juice.