Craigslist is great!

[daphatty]

I love some of the posts you find at Craigslist. The SF one has the craziest ones but every now and then you'll get some funny stuff on the other regional sites.

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/sys/39073617.html

[Moxio]

He will trade booty eh?

[Xevious]

Every job I have ever found in the San Francisco Bay area was on Craigslist.

All the apartments I have ever lived in was found on Craigs list.

But dating....I kinda stopped there. There are too many freaks in the bay area. You really need to see their pictures before you go out with them.

[WildWop]

I hate you sun. I lather up with SPF 85 and you still fucking burn me. What gives? Do you seek me out? Do you get a cheap thrill? Are you contracting with the HMO that will eventually pay for my skin cancer removal? What?? Tell me. Tell me how not to get burnt and I'll do it. Staying indoors is just not an option.

[WildWop]

Tip 2: Shave the hair off around your rectal, nuts and butt crack. This is just common knowledge, if you dont you risk piling up a weeks worth of dingleberries and in rare occasions, creation of shit dreadlocks to where the ca-ca firmly laminates itself to the ass hair and it twists together as you walk. This is more likely to happen to those who wear boxers because of the free "airflow" and those who dont shower often because you give the poop time to dry up like cement.

[WildWop]

What I cannot f*cking deal with... perdone me francais... is the pencil-necked dickslap in the androgynous late-90s Camry, who, to my unending ire and discontent, cranes his neck from port to starboard (my apologies - Naval terminology dies hard), ceaselessly 'checking out' each passing motorist, while allowing the vehicle ahead of to proceed at least a 1/4 mile into my future.

Now, for the dunderheads who will vehemently insist that I'm only getting to work perhaps 5 minutes later than I would have sans the thumbdick in front of me, I understand this. I accept this. What I refuse to accept is this brazen disregard for other motorists, this complete ignorance of others within a 30 foot radius.

Look, f*ckstick. You're never going to score chicks on 405. You're not going to find your soul mate in the slow lane. The redhead in the Honda you just gaped at has not retained your face nor car in her short-term memory. All you're doing is showcasing your pathetic existence. Seeing you earnestly searching for love in passing vehicles never elicited pity - I only feel what borders on hatred. I'd be a shitty Jedi in Yoda's book.

So, long story short, I've adopted a new approach to this breed of human that unfortunately lives in my congressional district.

I hock a loogie. On his car.

Generally, I aim for a side window. More often than not, I'll bide my time, sidling along the passenger side of the offending vehicle. I may take an extra swig of my coffee, to ensure viscosity, color, and substance. Woe to the offender that dares rubberneck on a morning when I've filled my commuter mug with OJ.

I slow to pacing the offending vehicle. I never honk to gain attention until after the shot. I lower my window. I inhale deeply, hocker-style. My head flies back, a paroxysm of latent energy. Primed, I expel the loogie. Sometimes it hits dead-square on the window. Other times it arcs, a milky globule, hued only by my beverage choice, gracefully onto the winshield - granted, a strong headwind prevents this brand of money shot.

I've achieved some fine splatter patterns. Some simply cling to the window like a dollop of Miracle Whip. Others spider out into intriguing chaos-mathematic-inspired designs.

Fact is, you now have my oral ejaculation on your car. I am on your car. I now possess the spririt of your Camry. I am right, you are wrong, justice has been served. You will complete your commute with my mucus, dried to a hoary crust. Others may, at a glance, presume a bird consumed with dysentery has left its supper on your car. But you know the truth.

You have purchased a 405 Loogie.

[WildWop]

I am attracted to all sorts of girls, and prefer intelligence and sense of humor over bust size. I want someone who is confident about the stuff she knows, and interested in the things she doesn't. You should like words, science, and video games. But you shouldn't be ugly either. Or male. Or a zombie dragon, powerful in life, unstoppable in death.

[daphatty]

These are from Craigslist I take it? :lol:

[bignick]

craigslist is great. I might see if anyone wants a ride form Chicago to NY or Ct when I go out there in Oct. That will be interesting.

[Grave_Addiction]

Damn, that's some pretty funny shite!

[Gameboy415]

"East Coast production company produces marital instructional videos for women/men/couples is currently seeking 2 to 5 men to use along with a female partner for a fellatio instructional video for couples. No professional experience required. Model must be should be slim to muscular built. No overweights please, face will not be shown in the video. Filming will take place by the end of August. Please reply with info and contact to this ad for interview. "

*Applied*

[Tom]

"East Coast production company produces marital instructional videos for women/men/couples is currently seeking 2 to 5 men to use along with a female partner for a fellatio instructional video for couples. No professional experience required. Model must be should be slim to muscular built. No overweights please, face will not be shown in the video. Filming will take place by the end of August. Please reply with info and contact to this ad for interview. "

*Applied*
If I was around the area... and of age... I would apply too.

[WildWop]

When you returned with the bolt cutters, I must say – and I’m not trying to be ungrateful here, truly – but I must say that I was a wee bit disappointed that you didn’t bring me a towel. I also noticed that you looked a little dubious as you handed a sharp metal cutting tool to the crazy white naked girl, and I agree that your doubt was well-founded. I might suggest that you do the honors of the lock cutting next time, should the other party be dripping and naked. It’s really just a safety issue, isn’t it? Those handles can be slippery when wet, and given that being nude inherently entails a lack of proper protective gear, I can only imagine that naked bolt-cutting is an activity on which your Loss Control and Legal departments would frown.

[daphatty]

When you returned with the bolt cutters, I must say – and I’m not trying to be ungrateful here, truly – but I must say that I was a wee bit disappointed that you didn’t bring me a towel. I also noticed that you looked a little dubious as you handed a sharp metal cutting tool to the crazy white naked girl, and I agree that your doubt was well-founded. I might suggest that you do the honors of the lock cutting next time, should the other party be dripping and naked. It’s really just a safety issue, isn’t it? Those handles can be slippery when wet, and given that being nude inherently entails a lack of proper protective gear, I can only imagine that naked bolt-cutting is an activity on which your Loss Control and Legal departments would frown.

:shock: WHAT?!

[WildWop]

I can see it now – guys, let’s use the Starbucks method for sizing up our cocks. Here, some poor guy has the shortest one, but we will call it the Long cock. Then someone with a medium-sized cock is now Mondo and the guy with the big honker gets to call it Bando. That's right - Bando. I made up that word and you have to use it or I will ignore you. And every woman/man can take pleasure in knowing that her/his man is at least Long.

[WildWop]

When you returned with the bolt cutters, I must say – and I’m not trying to be ungrateful here, truly – but I must say that I was a wee bit disappointed that you didn’t bring me a towel. I also noticed that you looked a little dubious as you handed a sharp metal cutting tool to the crazy white naked girl, and I agree that your doubt was well-founded. I might suggest that you do the honors of the lock cutting next time, should the other party be dripping and naked. It’s really just a safety issue, isn’t it? Those handles can be slippery when wet, and given that being nude inherently entails a lack of proper protective gear, I can only imagine that naked bolt-cutting is an activity on which your Loss Control and Legal departments would frown.

:shock: WHAT?!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/34629217.html[/url]

[daphatty]

double wow

[WildWop]

I'm definitely re-addicted to Craigs List. I had gone on a hiatus since I got my current job, but now I browse "Best of" INSTEAD of work. Uh oh.

[Wshakspear]

I’d like you to understand, incidentally, that I was not trying to stick any naked part of myself so close to your head, but since my locker was on the top I needed to stand on the dressing bench in order to get the appropriate leverage for naked bolt-cutting. I hope you forgive me, and that you're able to erase the memory from your mind.
I didnt even see it and i cant...

[WildWop]

2). The spoiler on the back - That huge spoiler must produce a ton of down-force. That would make for some awesome traction except for the fact that YOUR CAR IS FRONT WHEEL DRIVE. Why are you puttind down force YOUR REAR WHEELS if YOUR CAR IS FRONT WHEEL DRIVE?
Has anybody here ever stood on their rear bumper? What's that do? It pushes the back of the car down, and the front of the car UP. So by putting all of that downforce behind your rear axle, you're adding lift to the front, thereby reducing your traction. Moron.

Linkage (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/34298447.html)[/url]

[daphatty]

2). The spoiler on the back - That huge spoiler must produce a ton of down-force. That would make for some awesome traction except for the fact that YOUR CAR IS FRONT WHEEL DRIVE. Why are you puttind down force YOUR REAR WHEELS if YOUR CAR IS FRONT WHEEL DRIVE?
Has anybody here ever stood on their rear bumper? What's that do? It pushes the back of the car down, and the front of the car UP. So by putting all of that downforce behind your rear axle, you're adding lift to the front, thereby reducing your traction. Moron.

Linkage (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/34298447.html)

Great ricer gaffle!

[WildWop]

Why do I want a Ninja? I think it is obvious and every man reading this post is already envisioning the possibilities that would be endless if you had a Ninja at your disposal. And I am not even talking (yet) about the nefarious things you could get away with if a Ninja was in your keep. In fact, to appease the gods and possibly make my dream come true, (I did one time take a very drunken Asian friend home from a party who could have easily been taken advantage of…who knows, she might have a brother, and that brother might be looking for me right now…If he is, this is for him: “Hey, Isaki! I am in Arlington. Just reply to this anonymous post and we will hook up. Grab a little saki. You can explain to me the details of your life debt. You know, whatever.” …but I digress.), I will stick to all the non illegal ways I would use my Ninja. Well, slightly illegal but not bank robbing etc.

Linkage (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/39237654.html)

[WildWop]

I let the wife have everything except my testis (I got those back when I signed
the house over to her). Sure, call me a Pussy but I can't screw over my kids
and God knows I can't take care of em like she can. Yes, I got caught cheating
and I'm paying for it. Yes, I'll burn in hell along with all the other men who
enjoy sex more then once a decade. The wife wasn't using my penis, and he was
getting rusty and didn't want to play with me any more. He'd talk to me at
night, his voice was that of Yoda and he was starting to get green from not
being used. I don't know if the waitress was hot, or if it was just that she
was nice and wasn't a bitch. Next thing you know my Johnson was begging me to
try. "No! She'll never go for a guy like me! Shut up" But the Purple Headed
Warrior didn't listen, he kept nagging and nagging until I just tried so he'd
shut up. Next thing I know we're at her place and she's a total nympho.
YEEEEHAAAAAA! Sure, the waitress knew I was married with 3 kids. She didn't
care. Told me not to get attached because this is just convient sex. Like I'd
complain.

Click Me (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/37271333.html)

[daphatty]

I let the wife have everything except my testis (I got those back when I signed
the house over to her). Sure, call me a Pussy but I can't screw over my kids
and God knows I can't take care of em like she can. Yes, I got caught cheating
and I'm paying for it. Yes, I'll burn in hell along with all the other men who
enjoy sex more then once a decade. The wife wasn't using my penis, and he was
getting rusty and didn't want to play with me any more. He'd talk to me at
night, his voice was that of Yoda and he was starting to get green from not
being used. I don't know if the waitress was hot, or if it was just that she
was nice and wasn't a bitch. Next thing you know my Johnson was begging me to
try. "No! She'll never go for a guy like me! Shut up" But the Purple Headed
Warrior didn't listen, he kept nagging and nagging until I just tried so he'd
shut up. Next thing I know we're at her place and she's a total nympho.
YEEEEHAAAAAA! Sure, the waitress knew I was married with 3 kids. She didn't
care. Told me not to get attached because this is just convient sex. Like I'd
complain.

Click Me (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/37271333.html)

CLASSIC!!!

Angie! Oh Angie!

:rofl: :rofl::rofl: :rofl::rofl: :rofl::rofl: :rofl:

[WildWop]

Now he's not done when he pulls out the first set of sperm tubes, and this was not a good thing, for more than just the obvious reasons. Turns out that my breakfast of cold pizza wasn't the best choice of ball sack operation day cuisine. Pizza gives me gas and I had been fighting to hold back the inevitable since the beginning of the procedure. But when he stuck those forceps in me the second time with his face right down by my ball sack so he would have a good view, we had a breach. A large foul loud machine gun breach. For a split second, I wasn't sure if it was just gas or if I had crapped myself. All I could see was a vague look of panic behind his ball sack surgeon safety glasses. I mean, he's holding the sperm tubes in his forceps and he knows he can't just pull back, but his position is untenable. He can't withstand another assault. For about ten seconds, no one moves. And no one acknowledges what just happened (see, it's not just on dates that people act like that about flatulence, but that's a different rant). Fortunately, things stabilize and we continue.

Sounds like fun (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/33783990.html)

[daphatty]

Oh man. I laughed. I cried. I cringed. Classic stuff!

[daphatty]

How's this for Blasphemy?


Bible given to me by crazy christian, later stabbed - $10

Reply to: anon-40105918@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-22, 2:55AM EDT


small red bible, stabbed all way through by knife- great curiosity for those who dispise religion.


this is in or around Fairfax
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/bks/40105918.html