Post your jokes. [Mobile/Archive]

ryosnk

08-20-2004, 03:56 PM

Hey, we should post some jokes in the forum with this thread. Here goes one (not the funniest but I'll start it out)

A store has a sign up saying now hiring.
A dog sees the sign and brings it in
the person says, how may I help you.
The dog replies, I would like to apply for this job.
The guy then says, do you type, dog says yes and types over 80 wpm.
The guy then says, do you answer phones , the dog then answers the ringing phone politly and with great customer service.
But the guy then says thats all great but this job you need to be bilingual, and dog say's I'm bilingual; meow - meow - meow. :lol:

The Gifuto

08-20-2004, 04:04 PM

So a mushroom walks into a bar. As it stolls up to a barstool, the bartender yells out "HEY, we don't serve your kind here!"

The mushroom reponds by saying, "Why not, I'm a fun-guy?"

Ha Ha! Fungi, fun-guy....mushroom humor is great.

ryosnk

08-20-2004, 04:16 PM

Here is another.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

He was chicken. :lol:

Ericnmel99

08-20-2004, 04:20 PM

:shock:

The Cheapest Ass Gamer

08-20-2004, 04:21 PM

These are the worst jokes I have ever seen.

The Gifuto

08-20-2004, 04:22 PM

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks it, "Why the long face?"

doraemonkerpal

08-20-2004, 04:23 PM

These are the worst jokes I have ever seen.

lol!

remember the last time a joke post was started and the dead baby jokes were rampant? hehe...

The Gifuto

08-20-2004, 04:24 PM

These are the worst jokes I have ever seen.

Instead of complaining, perhaps you should contribute.

pimp_daddy_smurf

08-20-2004, 04:26 PM

weres WSB?????

evilpenguin9000

08-20-2004, 04:26 PM

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

Jaket

08-20-2004, 04:28 PM

i made one of these a Loooong time ago

The Gifuto

08-20-2004, 04:28 PM

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

Excellent

Will

08-20-2004, 04:28 PM

God i know im gonna catch hell for this, but if it helps my step-dad is hispanic and tells me these all the time..not that it makes it ok or whatever but if its funny its funny!

What were davy crocketts last words at the alamo?

Wtf are all these landscapers doing here?

D4rkewolfe

08-20-2004, 04:33 PM

So there is a 2nd grade classroom and the teacher assigns the students to bring something that has to do with medicine, healing, or curing.

The next day the teacher asks Maria what she brought.

Maria replies "I brought band-aids"
Teacher: "Who did you get it from and what did he/she say"
Maria: "I got it from my mommy and she said it's to cover boo-boos and protect them from being infected."
Teacher: "Good...good. Johnny what did you bring?"
Johnny: "I brought Neosporin."
Teacher: "Who did you get it from and what did he/she say"
Johnny: "I got it from my daddy and he said it's to keep infection away from wounds"

and this goes on, finally the teacher reaches Billy.

Teacher: "Oh well...you're the last one Billy. What did you bring?"
Billy shows off a tank.
Teacher:"What is that?"
Billy: "Why, it's an oxygen tank."
Teacher: "Who gave it to you and what did he/she say?"
Billy: "I got it from my grandpa and he said 'You little SOB please don't take it away from me!'"

BigDirty

08-20-2004, 04:34 PM

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated AAARRRRRRRRRgh!

You know why?

It's full of Booty!

:lol:

romodome

08-20-2004, 04:36 PM

why did the pervert cross the road?

His d**k was stuck in the chicken

ryosnk

08-20-2004, 04:36 PM

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder.
The bartender turns, looks at him and says, ''Sorry sir, we don't serve food here!!''
:roll:

big_squirtle

08-20-2004, 04:42 PM

These jokes are the worst.......heres mine:

Whats slimy, green and smells like pork?

Kermits Finger!

goldengraham

08-20-2004, 04:54 PM

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder.
The bartender turns, looks at him and says, ''Sorry sir, we don't serve food here!!''
:roll:

How the hell does a person get a sandwhich on their shoulder and how do they keep it up there?

What do you call a thousand white guys chasing a black guy?

The PGA tour! (Hey he's slumping but it still works)

The Gifuto

08-20-2004, 04:56 PM

How the hell does a person get a sandwhich on their shoulder and how do they keep it up there?

Industrial-strength staples

cleaver

08-20-2004, 05:01 PM

This guy meets a girl at a bar. They go back to her place, and when they get there he says, "I've got to warn you, I'm pretty kinky." She says "Don't worry, I'm pretty kinky myself, let me go change into something more comfortable" and goes into her room. When she comes out, she dressed in a dominatrix outfit brandishing a whip. He gets up to leave, and she says "What's the matter, you said you were kinky?" He says "I am. I just Shaq-fued your dog and shat in your purse."

MastaGamer

08-20-2004, 05:04 PM

Why isn't Mexico good at the Olympics?

--Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is in the United States

Whambamm

08-20-2004, 06:42 PM

I just finished reading Jackie "the joke man" Martling's Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book and while these may be considered offensive, they're just based on stereotypes so they aren't directed towards anyone in particular.

Anyways, here on some of my favorites from the book:

Why did all the black people move to Detroit?

They heard there were no jobs there.

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my fucking dick.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gurrgh. (gag)

What's the difference between shooting arrows and Kathie Lee Gifford?

Shooting arrows is a Cupid stunt

How do you get a dog to meow?

Freeze the dog and put it through a buzzsaw. Meeeoowww.

How do you get a cat to go woof?

Soak it it gasoline and light a match on it. Woof.

the_deej

08-20-2004, 06:47 PM

how do you bring out a black man?

pop his lip

Nirvanaguy777

08-20-2004, 06:59 PM

this one is horribly wrong but ill say it anyway, how do you make a little girl cry twice, once by taking your bloody dick out of her ass and twice by whipeing it on her teddy bear

Reality's Fringe

08-20-2004, 06:59 PM

Nirvanaguy777

08-20-2004, 07:00 PM

how many people does it take too screw it a light bulb, one you fucking idiot

Reality's Fringe

08-20-2004, 07:01 PM

this one is horribly wrong but ill say it anyway, how do you make a little girl cry twice, once by taking your bloody dick out of her ass and twice by whipeing it on her teddy bear

Well, what's the best part about having sex with a Six year old? If you tuck his hair back he looks four. (<<Wrong on two levels)

Nirvanaguy777

08-20-2004, 07:01 PM

how many goths does it take too screw it a lightbulb, twenty, one too throw it on the floor and ninteen too cut their wrists with the broken glass
how many punks does it take too screw in a lightbulb, three, one too climb up the ladder, one too kick the ladder from underneath him and one too say "thats so punk"

BigLebowski

08-20-2004, 07:01 PM

How many Final Fantasy fanboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Eight. One to screw it in and seven to complain about how much better the old bulb was.

ykryptonite13

08-20-2004, 07:07 PM

A black guy and a Hispanic guy are in a car. Who's driving the car?

The white cop.

ex0

08-20-2004, 07:07 PM

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Noodle Pirate!

08-20-2004, 08:43 PM

Here's my favorite non offensive joke.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field!

MastaGamer

08-20-2004, 08:56 PM

SO this guy is going down on his loose girlfriend and he says to her,
"Boy, you have a BIG P*ssy! Boy, you have a BIG P*ssy!" His girlfriend says to him,
"Why'd you say that twice?" and the guy looks at her and says,
"....I didn't." <<I forget where I heard that.

That one was from Predator

Anyways, I've got another joke that my friend told me earlier in the year:

What's the difference between a black guy and a picnic table?
--A picnic table can support a family

batman2million

08-20-2004, 09:02 PM

Leela: Bender..u shouldn't play with womens feelings..its just wrong!!

Bender: hahahahahha....oo wait..your serious...let me laugh harder ...HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA

god i love that one

bignick

08-20-2004, 09:08 PM

Trakan

08-20-2004, 09:19 PM

E Nice

08-20-2004, 09:22 PM

Two peanuts walked into a subway. One of them was (a salted). - from TaleSpin

This one is wrong, heard it on an Angel episode.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you haven't told her twice.

jovherye

08-20-2004, 10:05 PM

A coach trying to get his all girl softball team from being the biggest losers in their league, starts giving them steroids. After awhile the team starts winning a lot of games. So the coach decides to up their steroid dosage. A couple weeks later, one of the girls approaches the coach and complains.
Player,"Coach I've got so much hair growing down the front of my body!"
Coach,"How far does it reach?"
Player,"To my balls!"

BigLebowski

08-20-2004, 10:10 PM

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and the US Olympic womens' sprinting team?

One is a group of cunning runts.

cleaver

08-20-2004, 10:13 PM

How many New York Jets fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to screw it in and one to say CHAD PENNINGTON IS FRIGGING AWESOME!

jovherye

08-20-2004, 10:38 PM

Vinegar-what you get when you cross a Vietnamese person with a black person.(<Sooooo wrong!)

evilpenguin9000

08-21-2004, 01:32 AM

Will

08-21-2004, 03:32 AM

I see some people ripping FHM-STUFF-MAXIM jokes and using them..some are just plain fucking funny. Some are so wrong and even funnier.

cag1000

08-21-2004, 03:35 AM

what did popeye say when he walked into a meat store

well balonga me down

AdamInPlaidum

08-21-2004, 03:41 AM

A rabbi, a pirate, and an astronaut walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Is this a joke?"

HAHAHAHAHAHA

ryosnk

08-21-2004, 11:48 AM

Why cant Ms. Piggy count after 69?

Because she has a frog inside her throat.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

fireball343

08-21-2004, 12:14 PM

the irish man walks out of the bar.

hey, it could happen.

Reality's Fringe

08-21-2004, 01:31 PM

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his groin. The bartender looks at him funny and says "Do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?" The Pirate answers "Arrghh, it's drivin me nuts."

Dude, that one is fucking awesome!

At anyrate, yeah, I shoulda figured out where I heard that one about the big pussy...,....I bought the special edition Predator dvd like the night before I posted that. :x

Darke Katt

08-21-2004, 02:15 PM

A salesman, selling who knows what, is finishing his rounds in the sticks part of town. He comes to a shoddy house with a small boy playing in the yard, and goes to the door. After 3 unsuccessful knocks, he approaches the boy.

"Excuse me son, but do you know where your mother is?"

The boy nods, taking the man's hand and leading him to the side of the house. There, the boy motions for the salesman to look into the window there.

Doing so, he is horrified to see the boy's mother having sex with a goat!

He looks down at the boy and asks, "Doesn't this bother you?"

The boy replies, "N-a-a-a-h."

smalien1

08-21-2004, 06:48 PM

What do a girl and fried chicken have in common?

Once you've had the breast and thigh you have a greasy box to stick your bone in!

smalien1

08-21-2004, 07:31 PM

What do Mexicans and sperm have in common?

There are millions of them but few work!

smalien1

08-21-2004, 07:36 PM

A women is walking her son through a park when they see two dogs fucking,
"What are they doing Mommy"
"They're making sandwiches"
They seet two birds fucking
"What are they doing Mommy"
"They're making sandwiches"
They see two squirrels fucking
"What are they doing Mommy"
"They're making sandwiches"
They go home and in the middle of the night the son calls his Mom and she comes out to his room and he says
'"You were making sandwhiches"
She says
"How did you know?"
"You have mayonaise all over your face!"

desertfox1613

08-22-2004, 08:46 PM

A guy walks into a bar and says "OUCH"

How do you stop 4 black guys from raping a white girl?
Throw them a basketball.

ryosnk

08-23-2004, 12:00 PM

The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

int80h

08-23-2004, 12:11 PM

remember the last time a joke post was started and the dead baby jokes were rampant? hehe...

Whats funnier than 10 dead babies in a dumpster? 1 dead baby in 10 dumpsters.

fieldkillah

08-23-2004, 12:51 PM

This family walks into a talent agency. Its a mother, father, their son and daughter and a little baby. The father says to the talent agent 'sir my family has an amazing act and I know if you let us perform it for you, you'd want to sign us.' and the talent agent says 'sorry, we dont sign family acts, they're too cutsey.' but then the mother goes 'please sir just give us two minute, I know you'll like our act.' the talent agent says 'alright, you've got two minutes.' The family jumps right into it. The mother points to the son who presses play on a boombox. Thrilling circus music starts to play as the father spins his daughter around bends her over lifts up her skirt and starts liking her asshole. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, while the son still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls. Now the mother lays down on her back while the daughter gets high up on a chair and starts pissing all over. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head first back into the mother's vagina while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. They get the baby half-way in so that just his legs are sticking out, all kicking and flailing around. The son takes his mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing all over everyone while the father takes his cock and sticks it in the baby's asshole and f.u.c.ks it while it's still inside the mother until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and daughter. Then the father gets up and says 'and now for our impersonation of the victims of 9/11' and the family starts running around the room screaming and laughing with their dicks and tities all flapping around covered with piss and shit and cum going 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the buildings are coming down, help!' and finally the family runs back to the canter of the room and goes 'taaaa-daaaaaa' and the talent agent just sits their for the longest time and finally he says 'Jesus, that's a hell of an act, what do you call it?' and the father says 'the aristocrats.'

1SwtDeception

08-23-2004, 03:35 PM

i remember a joke topic was posted before.. (yea i know it was mention) but some of these jokes are soo wrong haha but a good laugh

guy: doctor doctor i think im invisible
doctor: who said that?

what do you call a black guy jumping outta a plane?
air pollution

where is the other joke thread anyways? and.. Mmm does anyone remember that one winterfresh commerical about the ducks .. i forgot how that joke went but damn it was a fad for a while

kaw

08-23-2004, 07:13 PM

A guy takes this girl home from a bar, and the woman eagerly starts removing the man's clothing. After removing his shoes she sees that he has horrible bunions, severe hammer toes, and huge neuromas. "What's wrong with your feet?" she asks.

"When I was little I had toelio" he replies.

"Don't you mean polio?" she says.

"No, I had toelio."

"Too Bad!" she says as she continues. She then pulls off his pants. His knees are severely deformed. They are swollen, knobby and covered with cysts. "What happened to your knees?!" she exclaims.

"When I was little I had kneemonia" he replies.

"Don't you mean you had pneumonia?" she says.

"No, when I was little I had kneemonia" he counters.

"Whatever!" she says. She continues anyway and removes his boxers. Then she comments; "Let me guess, when you were little you must have had smallcox!"

Trakan

08-23-2004, 07:21 PM

fieldkilllah, that's just wrong, and not funny.

kaw

08-23-2004, 07:24 PM

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

evilpenguin9000

08-23-2004, 08:00 PM

Yikes

kaw

08-23-2004, 08:47 PM

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl "How old do you think I am?"

"I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this same question.

The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man in bib overalls the same question.

He replies, "My eyesight is going, my sinuses hurt, and I don't really give a shit. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?!"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?!"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

fieldkillah

08-23-2004, 08:53 PM

For whoever doesn't know where my joke came from
http://waxy.org/random/video/southpark_aristocrats.wmv

ryosnk

08-24-2004, 09:54 AM

3 Vampires

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

:roll:

Ledhed

08-24-2004, 10:13 AM

fieldkilllah, that's just wrong, and not funny.

For posterity's sake, that isn't actually his joke. It is a South Park gag that was animated completely, but never aired (for obvious reasons).

EDIT Weird, feildkillah explained himself as I was typing this.

I actually heard this from SneakyPenguin, but he hasn't appeared to tell it yet, and it's too funny to go unnoticed in this thread.

A bus full of ugly people crashes and burns. Understandably, they are all killed.
They arrive at the gates of Heaven and are greeted by Peter. Peter says that he will grant them each one wish, and that wish will reflect how their time in Heaven will be spent. Wish to be on a tropical island, and that will be your peaceful eternity.
The first ugly person tells Peter how he has always longed to be an attractive person. Peter instantly turns the ugly man beautiful, and the man proceeds through the gates into Heaven.
The next person thinks this is a pretty good idea, and wishes to be beautiful as well.
The very last person in line begins to snicker and giggle to himself. The rest do their best to ignore him, and each are wishing to be beautiful.
As more and more people wish to be beautiful, the last man's laughter begins to build uncontrollably.
The final man finally reaches Peter. Peter asks, "Just what it is so funny?"
The man manages to control his laughter long enough to tell Peter his wish:

"Heh... make them all ugly again!"

big_squirtle

08-24-2004, 10:45 AM

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear leans over to the rabbit and politely asks:
"Excuse me, but do you have trouble removing shit from your fur?"
The rabbit repilies "why no, I dont"

So the bear takes the rabbit and wipes his ass!

Thank you, Thank you...I'll be here all week.

The Gifuto

08-24-2004, 10:48 AM

smalien1

08-24-2004, 03:54 PM

Best Joke Ever

What time is it?
Time to get a new tortilla!!!

muncle

08-28-2004, 07:18 PM

Did you hear the joke about the deaf girl?

She didn't either....

No offense to deaf people, i know a bunch

Rozz

08-29-2004, 07:00 PM

There was once this dude who did something. The lady was like "huh" and he was like "haha" and she was like "i thought you were doing something " and the dude "yeah, lauging was it". LMAO!!

alongx

08-29-2004, 07:19 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."