How to punish for not paying bills?

[fatherofcaitlyn]

My wife got paid last week. After groceries, daycare and having a fabulous time overnight at a concert away me and the kids, she has over $1000 left in her checking account.

On at least three separate occasions, the wife has asked which bills to pay.

The reply has been for her to pay one of the mortgages and the electric bill.

Yet ... the fucking bills remain unpaid.

I want her to understand she needs to pay bills without me nagging her.

How should she be punished?

Should I wrap the bills around my fist and push them into her face until she realizes they need to be paid?

Should I sign us up for marital counseling where we can spend several weeks learning that financial problems can be solved by having sex more often?

Should I let the mortgage go unpaid and let her experience the beginning phases of a foreclosure?

Should I let the electric bill go unpaid and let her sit in the dark for a few days?

Any thoughts?

[basilofbkrst]

grab a PSP/DS and tell the power company you're out of town. Tell the wife she didn't pay the bill and these are the results.

[ducttapeBigSexy]

You could talk to her instead of waiting for bored video game nerds to post sarcastic responses on the Internet.

[Brownjohn]

Threaten divorce if she doesn't straighten up, or while she's out of the house, take a bunch of her stuff to a friend's house. When she gets back, tell her the Electric company and/or the Mortgage company sent repot men to collect on their unpaid bills. This should work well if you have a pet that she is particularly fond of.

[benjamouth]

You could talk to her instead of waiting for bored video game nerds to post sarcastic responses on the Internet.

:rofl:
/Thread

<------ bored video game nerd

[Will]

You could talk to her instead of waiting for bored video game nerds to post sarcastic responses on the Internet.

/end thread......let the entertainment replies begin.

[basilofbkrst]

Didn't OP already say that he talked to her? 3 times? That's too many times talked to when it comes to bills.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

You could talk to her instead of waiting for bored video game nerds to post sarcastic responses on the Internet.

I could do that, but we've already talked three times about these two bills for this month.

I'm an adult. She is an adult. We do this every fucking paycheck. I understand she wants a security blanket of a few hundred dollars, but refusing to pay bills is bullshit and childish.

I assume some people here have or are the partner in the relationship that doesn't take paying bills seriously. The "free spirit" in the Dave Ramsey lexicon.

Has anybody here come up with an appropriate action to deal with this type of mentality?

[souljah420]

wrap the bills around my fist and push them into her face until she realizes they need to be paid
that is fuckin hilarious

[Number83]

10 posts and no 'sticking it in her pooper' comments? Come on, CAG!!!

[Brownjohn]

I could do that, but we've already talked three times about these two bills for this month.

I'm an adult. She is an adult. We do this every fucking paycheck. I understand she wants a security blanket of a few hundred dollars, but refusing to pay bills is bullshit and childish.

I assume some people here have or are the partner in the relationship that doesn't take paying bills seriously. The "free spirit" in the Dave Ramsey lexicon.

Has anybody here come up with an appropriate action to deal with this type of mentality?

If you're married, you should have a joint account, in which case you should just pay the bills yourself. I would never let my roomate have the responsibility of paying bills on time, because he is too irresponsible. I'm lucky he pays me for 1/2 of the bills.

[xycury]

I would fake the power went off, if she hasn't caught on.

Ask her if she paid the bill....

Then have a fake arguement with the electric company.

Then go flip the switch back on the circuit breaker at a good time. Pefer waiting at least a few days for the fridge to be rotten.

Tell her not to miss again.

That or just pay it. She pays you.

[SpazX]

Haha, domestic abuse is hilarious.

Anyway, if you have a join account, what's the problem? And if you don't have a joint account, get a joint account.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

If you're married, you should have a joint account, in which case you should just pay the bills yourself. I would never let my roomate have the responsibility of paying bills on time, because he is too irresponsible. I'm lucky he pays me for 1/2 of the bills.

Nope. If the Man were to freeze my or her checking account, we would still have another checking account to fall back on. If she never pays bills and I die before her, she'll be completely lost.

EDIT: I also used to run a business out of my checking account. It kept things clearer without her direct deposit.

[jaykrue]

If you're married, you should have a joint account, in which case you should just pay the bills yourself. I would never let my roomate have the responsibility of paying bills on time, because he is too irresponsible. I'm lucky he pays me for 1/2 of the bills.

While I see your point, paying the bills for FoC's wife won't change her behavior. I can't, however, disagree that what you say is the most pragmatic & reasonable choice to make.

To FoC:

I don't know what to tell you as I don't know what your wife's personality/quirks/habits are but some people won't learn until hardship has them backed up against the wall. So, I think foreclosure is probably the bucket of water to wake her up but, obviously, is not ideal as that adversely affects you and your family. If I had to tell you something, I'd say sit down w/ her and lay it out (firmly but gently). Life is seldom courteous to anyone so it's better that you (her life-partner) open her eyes to reality's harshness before it messes everything up for your family. As my mom, a doctor, would say: "Better to prevent than treat." At most, follow Brownjohn's suggestion and insist that major bills be paid by you and she just provide half (or whatever ratio you/she insists upon) the money.

[shieryda]

OP, which bills do you pay? How does your wife justify spending on good times, but can't understand that bills need to be paid?

By the way, how old are each of you? Just curious.

[Will]

10 posts and no 'sticking it in her pooper' comments? Come on, CAG!!!

That was my original reply but its been done too many times before so it got old.....I decided to go older and repeat with the /endthread reply.

[lokizz]

ew talking about money with women is never a fun thing to do because it always ends up with you being an asshole for telling them what to do. i dont envy you having to do this but youd be better off sitting her down and going through it. better to remind her to do it than to not and have the bill lapse.

[Xevious]

Supposedly money issues is the #1 reason why people get divorced. Maybe little things like this is how this starts.

[TC]

Just put all the money in your account and you pay the bills. Give her an allowance. Sure she might be lost of you drop dead, but the obvious stress over the situation is killing you slowly now.

[mzbagel]

Welcome to marriage...

This is what works for my wife and I:

- Have joint credit card for "family" purchases (groceries, gas for the car, etc...)
- Wife has separate credit card for personal spending (hair styling, makeup, cell phone, etc...)
- Have her deposit her entire paycheck, minus some amount for her to spend on herself (mutually agreed upon), in a joint account. You do the same. That way you can separate your "fun" money from your savings and expenses.
- Pay all the "family" bills out of the joint account (utilities, mortgage, groceries, car payment).
- Have her pay "her" bills (cell service, personal credit cards, lunches, etc...) our of her personal account.

This plan gives you a middle ground where she can feel free to spend "her" money, but you are not being punished for her mistakes and don't have to deal with utilities being interrupted or mortgage payments being missed. Yes, you get stuck with all the responsibility of keeping up with bills, but it sounds like you'll end up paying them or dealing with the fallout anyway.

I agree that if anything happens to you, she'll be screwed for a while trying to get a handle on things. I have the same concern in our situation. All you can do is try to regularly review your finances and what bills are being paid. In my experience, you're not going to change her behavior no matter how much you try. The frustration is not worth it.

I do have a backup plan to soften the blow in case anything does happen to me. I've documented all our accounts, logins, passwords, and my "system" for auto paying the mortgage and car payments, as well as how things are set up for managing our accounts in Quicken, and keep a hard copy in our safe deposit box. At least it gives her a head start.

[mtxbass1]

Welcome to marriage...

This is what works for my wife and I:

- Have join credit card for "family" purchases (groceries, gas for the car, etc...)
- Wife has separate credit card for personal spending (hair styling, makeup, cell phone, etc...)
- Have her deposit her entire paycheck, minus some amount for her to spend on herself (mutually agreed upon), in a joint account. You do the same. That way you can separate your "fun" money from your savings and expenses.
- Pay all the "family" bills out of the joint account (utilities, mortgage, groceries, car payment).
- Have her pay "her" bills (cell service, personal credit cards, lunches, etc...) our of her personal account.

This plan gives you a middle ground where she can feel free to spend "her" money, but you are not being punished for her mistakes and don't have to deal with utilities being interrupted or mortgage payments being missed. Yes, you get stuck with all the responsibility of keeping up with bills, but it sounds like you'll end up paying them or dealing with the fallout anyway.

I agree that if anything happens to you, she'll be screwed for a while trying to get a handle on things. I have the same concern in our situation. All you can do is try to regularly review your finances and what bills are being paid. In my experience, you're not going to change her behavior no matter how much you try. The frustration is not worth it.

I do have a backup plan to soften the blow in case anything does happen to me. I've documented all our accounts, logins, passwords, and my "system" for auto paying the mortgage and car payments, as well as how things are set up for managing our accounts in Quicken, and keep a hard copy in our safe deposit box. At least it gives her a head start.

This is a very solid approach.

[atlantas]

A couple of points regarding punishment. While punishment is often effective, it doesn't teach any new types of behavior to replace the ones you are trying to reduce. If you want your wife to behave differently, reinforce some source of alternative, appropriate behavior . Also, keep in mind that punishment has been shown again and again to lead to aggression, retaliation and social isolation.

If you make the incentives strong enough to be fiscally responsible and ignore inappropriate behavior, you are more likely to see the changes you are looking for.

Good Luck!

[A Happy Panda]

Why not have her set up auto-pay on those bills?

That way the company will just automatically take the money and you won't have to bitch at her.

[benjamouth]

Why not have her set up auto-pay on those bills?

That way the company will just automatically take the money and you won't have to bitch at her.

That's a very good suggestion, if the company don't offer automatic bill pay your bank possibly will.

My own suggestion would be to put her over your knee and spank her, probably won't solve anything but you never know, she might be into it.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

Supposedly money issues is the #1 reason why people get divorced. Maybe little things like this is how this starts.

You are correct. Her irresponsibility towards paying bills does polish those other gems such as me washing, drying and folding the last 600 loads of laundry, being the only person in the home to know how to turn on the vacuum cleaner, never taking the kids outside to play, foregoing a dozen or so hours of sleep per week to tend to my son, being the only person in the home to eat leftovers, etc...

Of course, everybody has flaws.

...

As far as the advice of me just handling all of the bills, I pretty much do that. She usually knows on Monday what bills need to be paid on Friday. Then again on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and until I turn off the damn TV and hand her the bills, then her purse and, finally, an ink pen. Then, she pouts for a day because I'm a meanie.

[dmaul1114]

Did you guys live together before marriage and these problems just popped up after tying the knot?

[fatherofcaitlyn]

Did you guys live together before marriage and these problems just popped up after tying the knot?

Marriage changes people and usually not for the better.

EDIT: And we've been married since 2001. At times, money has been very tight. At the moment, there is plenty. I want her to focus and pay off debt. She doesn't. Money will get tight again eventually.

[xycury]

schedule time together to both pay bills. If she sets up autopay, which really is the best solution, then she won't have to spend any time to do it.

[dmaul1114]

Marriage changes people and usually not for the better.

Sorry to hear that.

Probably definitely time for counseling if you haven't already been. These financial problems and other issues you mentioned will just keep festering and make things worse. They need resolved if the marriage is going to work.

schedule time together to both pay bills. If she sets up autopay, which really is the best solution, then she won't have to spend any time to do it.

The first is a good idea. The auto pay may not work. If she just got paid and only has $1000 or so in her account it could be risky with over drafts if some auto pays go through before a direct deposit etc. And it's good to have flexibility on when to pay if money is really tight. Late fees are almost always less than overdraft fees.

I'd more suggest just setting up online bill pay with the bank (I have all my bills set up online with my Bank of America account). If she just has to log in and click a couple buttons to pay them, it may be easier to get her to do that vs. writing and mailing checks. Plus you save money on checks and stamps.

[crystalklear64]

Eat the soap and make her look like an ass.

[lokizz]

Just put all the money in your account and you pay the bills. Give her an allowance. Sure she might be lost of you drop dead, but the obvious stress over the situation is killing you slowly now.


and thats how people get divorced. she wont go for that no woman who earns her own money will be down for being given an allowance. maybe if you buy a wife from a foreign country sure but not here in america. and the only way youd find one like ha in america is if shes from one of those male dominated families where religiously the women are raised to be subserviant to men.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

and thats how people get divorced. she wont go for that no woman who earns her own money will be down for being given an allowance. maybe if you buy a wife from a foreign country sure but not here in america. and the only way youd find one like ha in america is if shes from one of those male dominated families where religiously the women are raised to be subserviant to men.

:applause:

[crunchb3rry]

Let the power go out. First time she needs to use a blowdryer, she'll pay the bill.

[dmaul1114]

Let the power go out. First time she needs to use a blowdryer, she'll pay the bill.

While that may get the message across....

1. Not worth the inconvenience to him or his daughter.
2. Not worth the hit on the credit report--I imagine the bill probably has both their names.
3. She'd likely resent him for it even though it's her fault.

[n8rockerasu]

While that may get the message across....

1. Not worth the inconvenience to him or his daughter.
2. Not worth the hit on the credit report--I imagine the bill probably has both their names.
3. She'd likely resent him for it even though it's her fault.

That's why I kinda like the idea of him flipping a few breakers on his own. Allow her to discover that the power "isn't working", and ask her if she paid the bill. If it's something that he's already discussed with her, she SHOULD feel some sort of guilt/remorse for not doing it.

Then, turn the power back on and say "get my point?" I mean, that's something that sends a message without being too insulting, and can even be done in a light-hearted manner. It seems like a much better idea than scolding her or treating her like a child.

[Deadpool]

If you're married, you should have a joint account, in which case you should just pay the bills yourself. I would never let my roomate have the responsibility of paying bills on time, because he is too irresponsible. I'm lucky he pays me for 1/2 of the bills.

NO NO NO! Never get a joint account. Only bad things happen when 2 people try to run #'s on the same account.

You need to do this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DulzxBjplhw

[dmaul1114]

That's why I kinda like the idea of him flipping a few breakers on his own. Allow her to discover that the power "isn't working", and ask her if she paid the bill. If it's something that he's already discussed with her, she SHOULD feel some sort of guilt/remorse for not doing it.

Then, turn the power back on and say "get my point?" I mean, that's something that sends a message without being too insulting, and can even be done in a light-hearted manner. It seems like a much better idea than scolding her or treating her like a child.

She'd probably flip out over that too, given he already said she pouts for a whole day because he's "mean" by bringing her the bills and her purse when they absolutely need to be paid.

NO NO NO! Never get a joint account. Only bad things happen when 2 people try to run #'s on the same account.
[/IMG]

I do agree with that. It really only works when there's only one breadwinner in the family. When both people work full time it's best to keep it separate and alternate months of paying the mortgage etc. as it heads off a lot of fights over money.

[crunchb3rry]

That's why I kinda like the idea of him flipping a few breakers on his own. Allow her to discover that the power "isn't working", and ask her if she paid the bill. If it's something that he's already discussed with her, she SHOULD feel some sort of guilt/remorse for not doing it.

Actually, I think that's the best idea, as long as you don't get caught. But if you have to resort to shady shit like that, maybe it's better for the relationship if you just sit down and talk. It things don't get resolved: PIMPSLAP!

[ohboy10451]

stick it in her pooper

[fatherofcaitlyn]

3. She'd likely resent him for it even though it's her fault.

If you don't resent your spouse for something after the first five years of marriage, you're not doing it right.

The nice thing about the weather in the next month or so is that it won't be too hot or cold. I guess I need to find out if the gas water heater has an electric pilot light.

[SpazX]

so why are you two married?

[lokizz]

id suggest going out somewhere during the day and having a talk. have someone watch your kid so that way if it ends up into an argument she wont have to hear it but youre going to have to talk about it. if i were you id focus on getting your own finances in order ( as far as any debts you personally have) and once you do that save your money. sounds like you probably make more than her and because of that you end up being the main one paying the bulk of the bills which can suck.

so talk it out somewhere let her know whats bugging you and why and see if she will compromis somehow so things can get in order. especially in this economy its better to eliminate debt while you can. if even afer you calmy and rationally discuss this with her and she continues to flake on bills just handle your own business and enjoy the eventual moment when shit gets out of hand for her and she has to ask you for help.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

so why are you two married?

Other than love, not wanting to fuck up myself, her or the kids with a divorce and whatever replacements for me she'll scrounge up, my fondness of heterosexual sex and living indoors, my observations of other people have shown them to be even more flawed than my wife.

[DestroVega]

My fiance' owes me over $2,400 for bills... I basically have decided to forgo this money, hoping she can now stay current and will be caught up totally, I have told her she HAS to hand over one of her two checks to me each month from now on.

I understand it's a relationship and marriage is over money and all that, but yeah, it gets pretty annoying.

[n8rockerasu]

Actually, I think that's the best idea, as long as you don't get caught. But if you have to resort to shady shit like that, maybe it's better for the relationship if you just sit down and talk. It things don't get resolved: PIMPSLAP!

It's not shady. It's a dramatization of what could actually happen. And like I said, I think it could be done in a far more light-hearted manner than sitting her down and giving her a stern talking to, like she's a child. Not to mention, talking about it has already proven to be futile. If it's the kind of thing she'd flip out over, and can't see the message behind it, then she's just unreasonable, and a waste of energy dealing with anyway (and yes, I am married).

[n8rockerasu]

My fiance' owes me over $2,400 for bills... I basically have decided to forgo this money, hoping she can now stay current and will be caught up totally, I have told her she HAS to hand over one of her two checks to me each month from now on.

I understand it's a relationship and marriage is over money and all that, but yeah, it gets pretty annoying.

I hope she at least pays you in daily BJ's. There has to be some kind of compensation. I mean, when it gets to that point, you basically own her existence.

[ktims777]

Stick it in her dumper full thrust no lube. After shes done crying and complaining tell her thats what it feels like to have your credit rating screwed due to laziness.

[dopa345]

You guys don't have a joint checking account to pay the bills?

[fatherofcaitlyn]

You guys don't have a joint checking account to pay the bills?

No. For good and bad reasons, see above.

[keithp]

Unfortunately, if you can't come to an understanding over this your marriage is doomed. Good luck!

[DestroVega]

I hope she at least pays you in daily BJ's. There has to be some kind of compensation. I mean, when it gets to that point, you basically own her existence.

not daily, but I can't complain.

I do sometimes feel like it's bullshit, I mean, I could be flying solo footing all these bills. I just hope I can get her into a better saving habit, and I think now by making her give me a check to put in an account I created just for the bills, we should be fine now.

[bones56]

well i have a similar situation and i end up nagging her and all she has to do is transfer the money into our joint account. I pay all of the bills, she just has to donate to them. lol @ some of the responses to this thread!!

[JolietJake]

If they're paper bills you could pile them up and then rub her nose in them while saying "Bad!"

[dmaul1114]

well i have a similar situation and i end up nagging her and all she has to do is transfer the money into our joint account. I pay all of the bills, she just has to donate to them. lol @ some of the responses to this thread!!

Yeah that may be a good idea for them as well.

Keep their own accounts, but have one joint account they both transfer money into for bills.

You may even be able to set up your direct deposits so a certain percentage goes to your account and a certain percentage to the joint account each pay check. Then your wife could do the same and you could deal with paying the bills.

[TC]

Just put all the money in your account and you pay the bills. Give her an allowance. Sure she might be lost of you drop dead, but the obvious stress over the situation is killing you slowly now.

and thats how people get divorced. she wont go for that no woman who earns her own money will be down for being given an allowance. maybe if you buy a wife from a foreign country sure but not here in america. and the only way youd find one like ha in america is if shes from one of those male dominated families where religiously the women are raised to be subserviant to men.

:applause:

Maybe I should have explained differently. Ask her to give you the total sum of the bills she is supposed to pay each month. She can then keep her own money while not having to worry about paying those bills. In other words let her create her own allowance amount and explain to her you're simply saving her work.

[lokizz]

Maybe I should have explained differently. Ask her to give you the total sum of the bills she is supposed to pay each month. She can then keep her own money while not having to worry about paying those bills. In other words let her create her own allowance amount and explain to her you're simply saving her work.


now that sounds like a better idea. make it seem like youre doing her a favor by taking that chore off of her hands and maybe get a little "thank you" for doing it.

[dmaul1114]

Or instead of giving her an allowance, just figure out what her half of the monthly bills will be and have her transfer the money to your account each month (I assume you guys at least use the same bank, so it should be easy and probably can be done online) and you can take the paying of bills off her hands....if you're willing since it sounds like you're already doing most everything in the household.

[tankass]

She seems to be irresponsible with money. You said shes willing to pay the bills, but just doesnt right? Why dont you just have her deposit her money into a joint account and you pay with her money. That way your not frustrated that she didnt pay the bill, and she doesnt have to think about it. It will just be less money in her account when she spends it later. Seems like a comprimise is the best thing if you talked to her about it and she hasnt changed. Or you can just leave her and hope to find the perfect person. Either way.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

Maybe I should have explained differently. Ask her to give you the total sum of the bills she is supposed to pay each month. She can then keep her own money while not having to worry about paying those bills. In other words let her create her own allowance amount and explain to her you're simply saving her work.

The word 'allowance' will trigger an argument about how she isn't a child.

The thing about money is that it is power.

Taking her money is taking her power even if I use it to pay our bills.

The goal would be for her to take the initiative to grab a few bills or ask which bills need to be paid and pay them without me nagging.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

...hope to find the perfect person.

:lol:

[dmaul1114]

The word 'allowance' will trigger an argument about how she isn't a child.

The thing about money is that it is power.

Taking her money is taking her power even if I use it to pay our bills.

The goal would be for her to take the initiative to grab a few bills or ask which bills need to be paid and pay them without me nagging.

If you can't phrase it somehow to set up an account for both of you to put money in for bills without setting her off, then you guys desperately need counseling if you can't work it out on your own.

You can't sit around being miserable all the time as you don't want to affect the kids, or think there's no one better out there. This stuff will fester and make all of you (kids included) worse in the long run if the problems aren't resolved.


:lol:

There are no perfect people or perfect relationships. But relationships are pretty doomed if you can't at least have some agreement and civility over key things like paying bills, taking care of the kids and household chores.

[dopa345]

What my wife and I do is contribute regularly to a joint checking account from which all our bills are automatically paid while we each have our own personal accounts for our own disposable income.

You really need to sit and talk with your wife directly about finances and come up with a household budget together. No marriage can survive without a common outlook on finances.

[TC]

The word 'allowance' will trigger an argument about how she isn't a child.

The thing about money is that it is power.

Taking her money is taking her power even if I use it to pay our bills.

The goal would be for her to take the initiative to grab a few bills or ask which bills need to be paid and pay them without me nagging.

Then use different wording. Remember to explain you're doing her a favor by saving her the job of paying those bills. Hell man turn the tables and offer to give her the money and all the bills. Pretend its not a big deal to you either way as long as one person is handling everything so the other can spend time doing different things. From what you've explained so far more responsibility should be like Kryptonite to her.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

If you can phrase it somehow to set up an account for both of you to put money in for bills without setting her off, then you guys desperately need counseling if you can't work it out on your own.

Agreed.

You can sit around being miserable all the time as you don't want to affect the kids, or think there's no one better out there. This stuff will fester and make all of you (kids included) worse in the long run if the problems aren't resolved.

I don't let stuff fester. I let it overstay its welcome. I may turn a blind eye to it if there is a bigger problem to deal with. But ... I don't let stuff fester. If something gets pretty close to where this is at, I'll usually put in a few vertebrae and make it understood what needs to be done.

[dmaul1114]

I don't let stuff fester. I let it overstay its welcome. I may turn a blind eye to it if there is a bigger problem to deal with. But ... I don't let stuff fester. If something gets pretty close to where this is at, I'll usually put in a few vertebrae and make it understood what needs to be done.

Best of luck with working it out. Sounds like you guys have some big issues, but they aren't irresolvable.

Sounds like your wife has some maturing to do, and hopefully some talks and/or counseling can work it out.

[neschamp]

Other than love, not wanting to fuck up myself, her or the kids with a divorce and whatever replacements for me she'll scrounge up, my fondness of heterosexual sex and living indoors, my observations of other people have shown them to be even more flawed than my wife.

FoC feels...love? :lol:

Seriously though, I realize you are in deep at this point - so the best course of action is to try to work through this. Judging by this thread and the way you have referred to your wife in the past, it's clear that you resent her on some level.

It seems that at some point in your marriage that the the two of you settled into roles. Unfortunately, you have taken on WAY more than your share of responsibility. Paying a bill through the mail takes virtually zero brain power. Online bill pay is even easier! The fact that she villianizes you over shit like this is absolutely ridiculous. Relationships aren't meant to be so lopsided. You're not her daddy or her fucking caretaker. Have you tried counseling at all?

Don't hang on if it's clear that she doesn't care to put in some effort too. Regarding the issue of your children and the impact of a divorce -- kids are pretty resilent. How much would they be realistically impacted anyway? You make it seem as if you interact with them far more than she does. Certainly don't stay because you think you can't do any better.

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time with this because you seem like a standup guy. Good luck.

[crushtopher]

Married since 2001? Clearly it's about time you realize you CAN'T change a person or what they do. Sure, there are things you can do to help them REALIZE that something different needs to be done, but it's not your job to try and change someone.

[Nikadimas]

As far as the advice of me just handling all of the bills, I pretty much do that. She usually knows on Monday what bills need to be paid on Friday. Then again on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and until I turn off the damn TV and hand her the bills, then her purse and, finally, an ink pen. Then, she pouts for a day because I'm a meanie.

Unless her bank is really anal (most aren't) you, as her husband, have the ability to sign her signature. Just tell her your going to write a check for such and such and sign it and as long as she's fine with it then it's ok. The only way it would be considered "forging" her signature is if her were trying to defraud her of her own money. Paying debt that the two of you both owe doesn't qualify as that.

Even if her bank puts everything under a microscope you can have her take you in and add your signature to the account. It will still be her account, you'll just have the ability to pay bills out of it. I sign checks for my wife all the time without problems.

Or you could do what my wife and I do. In our relationship she's the one that pays the bills because I usually forget unless it's sitting right in front of my face, so when I get paid I just go the the ATM and hand her the cash for the bills I have to pay and she takes care of it. It's been working pretty well for the last couple of years. No more late payments!

[mr_burnzz]

FoC, you got it easy! my woman pays the bills but she stacks them fucking high as hell! :bomb:

[cochesecochese]

Unless her bank is really anal (most aren't) you, as her husband, have the ability to sign her signature. Just tell her your going to write a check for such and such and sign it and as long as she's fine with it then it's ok. The only way it would be considered "forging" her signature is if her were trying to defraud her of her own money. Paying debt that the two of you both owe doesn't qualify as that.
It might seem that way but somewhere from the recesses of my mind I do recall a case of a spouse getting fucked over by this.

Adding the signature to the account is fine but signing for her is a bad idea. Either way it's skirting the primary issue.

[strongpimphand]

SEPARATE CHECKING ACCOUNTS!?!?!

YOU LOST ALREADY AT LIFE!

I'd be damned if my wife got her own account....in fact, you sure she ain't ready to divorce you?

[jaykrue]

Or you could do what my wife and I do. In our relationship she's the one that pays the bills because I usually forget unless it's sitting right in front of my face, so when I get paid I just go the the ATM and hand her the cash for the bills I have to pay and she takes care of it. It's been working pretty well for the last couple of years. No more late payments!

Yeah, but your situation is the reverse of his, and unlike you, from FoC's description, his wife doesn't seem very open to the idea of someone else taking responsibility for the family bills (or at least communicating about such things).

At the 8+ year mark of togetherness, it's probably more difficult to change a significant other's habits (or lack thereof). Having thought about it more, I think FoC, at this point, is better off taking responsibility for the bills than changing his wife's behaviors in some Pavlovian manner for a few reasons:

1) it's time consuming
2) as already mentioned, loss of 'power'; control over one's life*
3) may negatively impact what already seems to be a fragile relationship (arguments or worse case: divorce)

It may be a good idea to just take over the bills and make it seem like a heavy burden has been lifted off her shoulders as TC mentioned. It makes FoC look good as well as not offending his wife's more delicate sensibilities. Getting a joint for family expenses & have separate checking for individual fun money seems to be the best course of action so far.

*though it could be argued that FoC's wife has already lost control since she's being irresponsible in the first place

[Snake2715]

I never undertsand those couples that have separate accounts.. maybe if your millionaires or something, but c'mon.

Have one person do the bills, and the other person take care of some other chores, etc.

A quick flip of the power button at the breaker box might be fun. The phone will still work so you can fake all the power company as mentioned.

[Revenantae]

My wife and I have a happy marriage. A very, VERY large part of the reason for that is that we're on the same page when it comes to money. My recommendation is to get together, and get a plan that you both agree on. Who pays what, and when.

[chimpian]

what me and my wife do is i pay the bills.
and she gives me X amount a week from her paycheck.
when i see things are gonna be tight that month (ins and prop tax due in the same month) i let her know in advance and she pitches in a bit more.

i am in control of all the bills and she is still contributing PLUS if she does over time or gets a bonus she still gets rewarded for her work.
we had this same problem in the beginning but this is by far the best way to go about it for us.

good luck :)

[Number83]

Since I make more, my paycheck goes to the bills, kids tuition, etc.. My wifes check goes to groceries, entertainment, stuff like that. And we both have access to it. Whatever is left gets swept into a savings account. It helps to be fiscally aware.

All of the bills are set to come out automatically the 1st and 15th of the month. Anything else if it comes up, is paid by phone/internet. And my wife handles that, but I know how to do it, in case she forgets to or I show the initiative to do it.

Communication is the key. And honestly, it should be fun to converse with your wife on a daily basis. If it isn't, then you/she isn't doing it right.

[SpazX]

SEPARATE CHECKING ACCOUNTS!?!?!

YOU LOST ALREADY AT LIFE!

I'd be damned if my wife got her own account....in fact, you sure she ain't ready to divorce you?

Are you serious? I feel sorry for your wife, you seem very controlling (though I guess that might be expected from the username).

And FoC, honestly the easiest thing would be to have a joint account which you either put money into purely for bills or you put your checks into, pay the bills, and then remove your own separate spending money into your individual accounts or just leave it in there and make a budget for what each of you have left to spend.

If you really don't want a joint account for some reason, then she can probably just set up her checking to automatically pay those bills which she is responsible for.

I don't really see any other options if she isn't good at paying her part of the bills. Paying you to pay the bills doesn't seem like it would be easier or any more likely for her to do regularly.

My gf and I just have a joint account that we use for everything, but neither of us are stupid with money so it's not really a big deal. We still have our old accounts from before we moved in together, but we don't really use them for anything, all our pay goes into the joint account.

[camoor]

FOC, are you married to Peggy Bundy?

[dmaul1114]

I never undertsand those couples that have separate accounts.. maybe if your millionaires or something, but c'mon.


I'd always want my own account when I get married--but would probably have a joint one for bills.

It's just easier that way IMO, as it keeps some of your money separate and keeps more independence and helps avoid arguments over what you're spending your money on. As long as bills are getting paid, both people are contributing to their 401ks.

I could see a joint account more if one of the couples was more of a stay at home mom/dad, or only worked part time etc. But I think separate accounts is better for two career-driven people--and I'd never marry someone who wanted to be a housewife. My girlfriend (much less spouse) has to be highly educated and very career focused for it to work since I work so much.

But I'm just big on independence in general and resistant to relationships where everything is shared. I need my own account, my own space house etc. And I'm in no hurry to get married. 5 years with the current g/f and no plans to tie the knot anytime soon.

[RAMSTORIA]

why dont you get a 3rd checking account. 1 for each of you, and 1 joint. i dont know about yours or your wifes work, but my work can split my direct deposit. so half would go into mine and half into the joint. that way she you both have "you're" money, and you can just take care of the bills and not have to nag her for the money.

[Snake2715]

dmaul,

Good your not married, but once you become (if) then reality check you are one, your one family, and the idea is to share your lives. Your both responsible for things.

If my wife and I split the bills down the middle, she would have much less money to spend than me as I make more than her by probably 25%.

We have a joint account and our own savings accounts. Whatever is left is free game in a sense and we are both pretty responsible.

I will however bring this idea up to her tonight, maybe she would prefer this method and I will report back, if for no other reason than having my thoughts reinforced, or destroyed!

[dmaul1114]

dmaul,

Good your not married, but once you become (if) then reality check you are one, your one family, and the idea is to share your lives. Your both responsible for things.

If my wife and I split the bills down the middle, she would have much less money to spend than me as I make more than her by probably 25%.

We have a joint account and our own savings accounts. Whatever is left is free game in a sense and we are both pretty responsible.


We'll see. My current g/f is also a professor and makes a bit more than me since she's been out of grad school 2 years longer. But we should always make about the same, so the disparity wouldn't be an issue. And even if it doesn't work out, I'd probably not date or marry someone who made a lot less than me as again I'm only interested in well educated, career driven people.

I'd have no problems paying more of the bills if I made more, I'd just still want my own account and her to have her own account. Saves arguments over discretionary spending when you have your own money separate outside of paying bills however you split them up based on your incomes.

But honestly, I could really care less about getting married. I don't particularly want to have kids, and I'm very career driven and self-focused in general so it's hard to get relationships to work unless I'm with someone like my current g/f who's much the same in that regard. Though she probably wants to have kids down the road.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

I never undertsand those couples that have separate accounts.. maybe if your millionaires or something, but c'mon.

Have one person do the bills, and the other person take care of some other chores, etc.

A quick flip of the power button at the breaker box might be fun. The phone will still work so you can fake all the power company as mentioned.

Not with VOIP (and if the battery backup is dead).

[fatherofcaitlyn]

why dont you get a 3rd checking account. 1 for each of you, and 1 joint. i dont know about yours or your wifes work, but my work can split my direct deposit. so half would go into mine and half into the joint. that way she you both have "you're" money, and you can just take care of the bills and not have to nag her for the money.

That is a very good suggestion you and others have mentioned.

I mentioned it to the wife last night.

http://www.courant.com/media/photo/2009-06/47773908.jpg

[perdition(troy]

Me and my wife have never had the issue. I guess it's because the only account we have is our account, and we treat money we make as our money (i.e., we always check with each other before a purchase of $100 or more, excluding things like groceries or bills.)

[fatherofcaitlyn]

FOC, are you married to Peggy Bundy?

Quite the opposite. She doesn't spend money except for lunches or gas. It'll just sit there. In that respect, I'm blessed.

[ajh2298]

why dont you get a 3rd checking account. 1 for each of you, and 1 joint. i dont know about yours or your wifes work, but my work can split my direct deposit. so half would go into mine and half into the joint. that way she you both have "you're" money, and you can just take care of the bills and not have to nag her for the money.

This is what me and my wife do also and we have all our bills set-up for automatic payment that come right out of that account we been married for almost five years with no problems ever about money.

[joeboosauce]

You could talk to her instead of waiting for bored video game nerds to post sarcastic responses on the Internet.

I second, third, 20th that. It sounds like you haven't expressed your discontent with her. Really, she should be told this first instead of some video game nerds. You need to work on your communication. You sound like you are being passive aggressive or some shit.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

I second, third, 20th that. It sounds like you haven't expressed your discontent with her. Really, she should be told this first instead of some video game nerds. You need to work on your communication. You sound like you are being passive aggressive or some shit.

I have been married longer than I've been a CAG. Believe it or not, Dr. Freud, the wife and I have had discussions about paying bills early when money is available before I donned the username of fatherofcaitlyn. The purpose of this thread is to determine if other people on here have encountered this problem. As you can see, a few have and even have some solutions. I have to see if any of these work in my situation.

[dmaul1114]

That is a very good suggestion you and others have mentioned.

I mentioned it to the wife last night.

http://www.courant.com/media/photo/2009-06/47773908.jpg


Damn, even that led to an argument?

Not to be a jerk, but the more details you give them more it seems your wife is just pissed she didn't marry a sugar daddy who'll do all the work and pay all the bills etc.

[lordxixor101]

I'm just going to echo what others have said. But, basically, each person brings something to a marriage. You won't be good at the same things. Let's be honest, if one of you is really good at electrical work, and one sucks, you don't change light sockets 50/50, the good one does it, and it's done.

Here, it's obvious, you care about the money, and she's more of a free spirit. If anything, I'm not even sure why people need 2 accounts, you can live on one checking account, and then you can handle the bills.

My wife and I are the same, if she had her own checking account, it would be overdrawn once a month. She can try (and I'm sure if she put effort into it, she could do it), but it's much easier for me to handle and not have the constant fights.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

Damn, even that led to an argument?

Not to be a jerk, but the more details you give them more it seems your wife is just pissed she didn't marry a sugar daddy who'll do all the work and pay all the bills etc.

Perhaps I'm exaggerating a little bit.

If I remember correctly, the conversation went ...

Me: We need to have an unpleasant conversation.

Her: What? You want to start working overtime again?

Me: No, I want to set up a third checking account just for bills. We'll each put it a certain amount of money from each paycheck. Then, we write checks for monthly bills out of it.

Her: What brought this on?

Me: You haven't paid the mortgage or the electric bill yet.

Her: Yeah, I forgot. I fucking suck.

Me: I didn't say that.

Then, she claimed her employer doesn't allow her to split her direct deposit anyways. I dropped it and we went back to watching Hell's Kitchen.

<cue the whip crack>

...

I'll probably approach this subject a few more times, but there's no point if she gets defensive instantly and doesn't explain why.

[fatherofcaitlyn]

Here, it's obvious, you care about the money, and she's more of a free spirit.

Correct.

She can do things I can't do. For example, she networked with some people to find a full blooded German Shepherd for free and a $1200 king sized bed for $600. That and being able to convince our landlady she owed us $150 when the lease pretty much stated we owed her $1000.

[shieryda]

OP, how's your situation now? Has anything changed? Hopefully, the new year will be a little better for your financial situation (and your relationship).

[fatherofcaitlyn]

OP, how's your situation now? Has anything changed? Hopefully, the new year will be a little better for your financial situation (and your relationship).

Still just as lazy unless it is something she wants.

On the plus side, we've knocked off a few things from the list.

With the overtime she is working, I'm cutting her some slack due to being "tired" and Christmas should be paid off in full by the end of January.

Then, the long march out of debt begins anew.

[help1]

I support this thread.