The Song of Cheapy D. (A work in progress)

[JSweeney]

Started in OTT, this is a parody of the French Epic poem "The Song of Roland". Considering the poem spans multiple verses (I-CCXCI), it will be a long while before this is complete (if ever).

Song of Roland (http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/OMACL/Roland/)

[JSweeney]

(I)

CheapyD,our benefactor, of the site he owns and mantain,
Full multiple years hath made this site stand a mighty strain,
Conquered the trolls, and multiple moderators did train,
Now no slight against him doth remain,
Precious little respect is left for him to gain,
Save from Dragonlordfrodo, that wails in his blog about his pain.
He warbles and sings, he feareth not God's name,
To the corner he soujourns, to gain the food vendor's aid,
For the subs he powers down add to his wieght gain.

[JSweeney]

(II)

Dragonlordfrodo, he lay behind his monitor,
As he lurched to reach a beverage cool;
He cursed again CheapyD as his screen became blue,
Round him his girth, full hundreds of pounds, stood.
Called he forth then vulgarity, as his vile words he pukes:
"Stupid Noobs, give ear to our impending doom:
That Emperour, CheapyD of CAG, the louse,
Introduced a ban some, us amonst them CAG will lose.
I have no words to battle him and our situation improve,
Nor have I power to his ban undo.
Counsel me then, ye that against CheapyD have venom to spew;
Can ye ward off this ban and the flames on my blog they fuel?"
What word to say no pagan of them knew,
Save Cloudspekk, the scammer, trying to build his funds.

[shrike4242]

This is one topic I watch with breathless anticipation. :D

[mousin]

in before the lock?

good work jsweeney, keep up the hard work.

[JSweeney]

(III)
Another came to join them, but in another guise,
She was defended by a gallant knight,
But in her rants, I must suggest, she cast her allies aside.
And thus she spoke: "I'll clog this board with plight!
Flooded the boards with useless bumps and multiple poster did deride,
Frightful diservices, this trend, costing her every ally;
Lina, in this jeer, the mods work for them did provide,
See the CAGs gawks, sev'n hundred acts of deletery;
Ignored posts most bold, driving server load high;
Nothing to the boards did it supply,
Till then CheapyD ingnored the afrontery.
For he held of the ban too long a time,
But after that, nothing remained save for her to say bye...
Lost much of it is, to the mod's clean and purging tide,
No longer could the stand the poster's slights;
Standing honour bound, I did defend briefly.
Paid homages to the ancient belief of chivalry,
Unfortunately, this loyal oath doth blind;
See now the old post runs, the strife her posts derives; --
The sight be plain, some of the blame is mine.
As far as she did go, her posts were doomed to die,
Through some did lose honour and dignity,
And others now are ignored mightily."

[Skylander7]

Here I sit, same as ever
took a dump, pulled the lever.
The toilet clogged, the water flowed.
Look out world... it's a mother load

[JSweeney]

(IV)

Said Lina: "Attention I demand, I say,
That I spoke about those pictures posed should hold no sway,
And CheapyD, those who pick on me, ban them all away!
Unfortunately, if that dictate held, only perhaps 10 would remain.
Remember, this is CAG, not a site on the Z5 or dreamcaster realm domain,
those places where CAGs of old go to hide away.
Became trival, it did after but one or two mor cycles...
Time went by, until what seemed the appointed day;
Posted much she did, but none knows what she did say.
Proud this made a few and thier entourage;
Their hostility wanted nothing more than to drive her away.
Cooler heads would have allowed them all to stay,
but lost upon them was that logic plain,
They all prefer themselves to inflict grief and pain."
"That is well said. So be it." Then the bans were had that day.

[BigSpoonyBard]

I applaud you in your efforts, good sir

[JSweeney]

(V)
The fury ends, and then CheapyD
Calleth aside Shrike4242,
Made him Ledhed and Ryback's peer,
And made him more storied than Whipsmartbanky's beard!
And the board rejoyed, the threads filled with glee,
The new mod's resolve has been made clear for all to see...
Will this stifle the talk of dead kids with tails by the fox preceded by dc?
Shrike know his stuff... he'd put a stop to that felony.
"Shrike4242 made his OTT to talk to thee;
I'll let you all know... I shot the Sheriff, but not the deputy!
The other boards he has gone through, and useless threads did preen
Trying to instill the concepts of Peace and Humility.
The trade threads he will now endeavor to keep scam free,
Cash and games, you trade, with less fear now, you'll see!
With his belief, you'll have all the back to make the trades need."
Just wait a week or two.. the traders will all soon agree.

[AlbinoNinja]

amazing, just amazing


although i really wish i could hear just what the song of Roland actually sounds like

[JSweeney]

(VI)


Cheapy, his board updates now finishing,
Put forth this great new thing. But,where is the princess? Where is Neko Hime?
Olive-branches laid out give the boards new bearing;
A new era in we may ring,
CheapyD shew many his new mercy;
For the they who were former pains, his ban has been lifted from him;
Perhaps the board shall grow it's following;
We will receive new deals, and around the net they'll sing,
Of all the deals we have that get store clerks swearing;
When they ring us up and see the total of the bill."
Says Banky: "Many of "teh ha-ha's" I shall bring to this."

[Scorch]

This is scary.

[greydemise]

this is seriously amazing, excellent work jsweeny!!

[Ugamer_X]

This is scary.
No, it's not scary, yet...If he does all 291, then it'll be scary.

[JSweeney]

(VII)

8 new panels of CagComic did Banky provide,
Gags long know, they make fun of Best Buy.
Joined by CagCast untold, with signal clear;
Often do we hear Wombat with his message speak,
Perhaps they feel his face is not fit for the screen.
A face for radio, or perhaps for his pictures he will charge a fee,
But who short of Moxio and dcfox would attempt such treachery?

[zewone]

I hate when you make songs.

[crickett003]

keep it up sweeney!! :D

[Liquid 2]

good idea and all,
but I get enough of this fucked up style of barely understandable writing in english class

[jmcc]

It occurs to me that there's really only 1 proper response to this. Of course, it can't be posted until he's totally done, or it loses effect.

[JSweeney]

(VIII)

Much is told now that Emperour,
CheapyD has told, his plans for leaveing town,
Leaving for Japans and thier cityscape of gleaming tow'rs.
Great good thing he learned during his apartment search 'round,
Much did he tell of the great place he found
On the board there are few flamers now,
But he be modded, or takes the non-trolling vow.
The Emperour introdcues again a great new sound
Where deals and talk of CAGish things abound,
With Wombat he spoke and gathered skits and topics around,
Even JimmieMac, who dubbed himself Icon;
In theads much lauding of the Cagcast is found.
Where they are found, is seen a mighty crowd,
Discenting only are those know to be a stupid
douche.
In many threads the mods did quell them down,
Wilst other on thier game-console played to pass an idle hour; --
Shrike the old, a crafty old fucker quite renowned,
Provide some defence from the young and lusty bachelours.
As a mod, for this task he's quite empowered,
Though less there is to do, few females there are throughout;
That is the thing, chasing off females seems to be many young CAGs pow'r;
White is his beard, his text embodying an almost everprestent frown,
But not pulled by whims, he makes CheapyD proud.
Should any seek, no need to point him out.
In OTT, his rules are oft thrown down,
oft upon a new unsuspecting lout.

[Saucy Jack]

This has to be one of the longest songs ever. Does it even have any music yet? Or is it just a spoken-word piece?

[JSweeney]

IX

From the many ads of Black Friday do many CAGs partake,
And from CheapyD, we learned his move was safe,
Some deals glorious, thanks to which much less we'll pay!
Proud javeryh this message bids me say:
Check that your fly's zipped up and seats not stained each day;
Out of his thread much laughter did he make.
Though a harsh wind bears, they camped out about many a chain,
Seaching from Xbox, three hundred sixtys,
Hundreds milled before the break of day,
But only did a paltry few bear them away
Golden they are, if one were to list on ebay,
Wherewith that they'll ask for all that you can pay.
Now in this land, they shipped to few, I'll say.
Hie you to Japan, return again with box;
Thus saith my CheapyD, his pictures proved this way."
That Emperour brought laughs with this thought he raised...
A small wrinkle no one thought to contemplate.

[badboysean]

my god, someone has some serious time on their hands

[SuprTnr2]

Haveta do something during the Thanksgiving break ;)

[JSweeney]

X

Then the season greatly increased the content's flow;
But to the Cags, the Cagcast never came too fast, but slow:
But it was custom, at his leisure, CheapyD spoke.
But look it up, his plans now are very bold,
He questions all: "What shall be done to make CAG new, not old?
First Quarter's dirth has ever been my foe.
These very words you have before been told,
What measures must be took to have your interest hold?"
That Moxio says, "Being nice to newbies will make our members grow;
A letter we shall make, to let them know the score.
Our rules made plain, so all of them shall know,
So that their posts will draw a lesser scorn."
To work Cheapy and all the mods did go,
And as was said, the boards numbers do grow;
And as it does, new content does follow
When they join, these lessons are now taught;
With bated breath, they all hope results will show."
As said many: "they are the boards very soul."

[jmcc]

3% done!

[JSweeney]

XI

Another post was made of CheapyD's adventures Japan-side;
With fellow CAG thakingrocka to Akihabara did CheapyD hie.
To a Super Potato they soujourned, with Famicoms piled high,
And in the streets, joined in a fight;
Though perils of DOA, thakingrocka did aright.
Darkly acted a competitor, not wanting his dishonor to see daylight.
The joke suggesting seppuku did quickly rise;
From the telling, it was quite the humorous sight.
Forth goes the tales, from the storied products many Cags did pine;
And the climate there many did try to define,
These stories grow, but due to thier humor, we hope you do not mind.

[JSweeney]

XII

To the pacific's other side has CheapyD gone,
And many wait for his CAGcast to be posted anon:
To hear the Wombat's claims so bold,
Or to hear of the DS Lite to Trakan Target sold,
Tales of "Your Man in Japan",
Or the Console war set to begin again,
A topic of which noone seems to tire,
Yet when the point is almost here,
they flip over Giant Enemy crabs and Attack for massive damage there!
But look away from this endless three entity dance
You'd see A call for writers came, to give chance;
to record the deeds that CAGS have done.
So was the CAGWiki begun.

[JSweeney]

XIII
“My tooth is busted,” Renegade Zero said,
directly after, many posts sped.
Many though his actions clearly out of bounds,
and clearly they then verbally unleashèd the hounds;
as if they took him and bent him over their knee;
And JimmieMac, who though there no other CAG he would less wish to see;
Thought this chipped tooth thread was full of comedic gold,
Which one young thread could scarcely hold.
But he saith this and the thread was on it's way.
With this it swelled and grew without delay,
Grew twisted and filled with images beyond belief,
An though mods hold the opinion and feelings of others chief;
They knew right away that this thread must die.
"HHURRRRRR" was the thread's outcry.

[WhipSmartBanky]

XII

To the pacific's other side has CheapyD gone,
And many wait for his CAGcast to be posted anon:
To hear the Wombat's claims so bold,
Or to hear of the DS Lite to Trakan Target sold,
Tales of "Your Man in Japan",
Or the Console war set to begin again,
A topic of which noone seems to tire,
Yet when the point is almost here,
they flip over Giant Enemy crabs and Attack for massive damage there!
But look away from this endless three entity dance
You'd see A call for writers came, to give chance;
to record the deeds that CAGS have done.
So was the CAGWiki begun.
:rofl: Major :applause: for actually working in the Giant Enemy Crabs!

[JSweeney]

XIV

Now, CheapyD signed of the cagcast, ending his speech.
The Wombat, he never seems to agree,
As if in reply, some followers spring to their feet;
Their voices ring, "We are the Wombat Liberation Army.
Many Cagcast have been since, when into listen came we,
We beseech'd you Nobles about qoutables,
And adore the Womabat, for the voice we pine,
Not Banky, nor JimmieMac, or even Neko Hime.
Perhaps even more than CheapyD;
Of these pagans could much posts be seen,
Even making low blows as if fist to spleen:
Who, ev'n as now, these very words do speak.
You of another group of Cag an odd praise for CheapyD did decree,
Praised they your words that foolish were in deed.
Two of these thread did many post speed,
Wombat's army was one, and the other about CheapyD:
The theads were full, yet strangly empty, Like one visiting Gamefaqs would see.
Pointed out this was, but still the pointless war proceed,
To the dismay of the mods or JimmieMac's posts smarmy.
All your the while, the threads lie in siege,
Despite it all, the hilarity was weak."

[Scobie]

This is compelling stuff for sure. Although I'm afraid verses 90 - 100 will just be Billy Joel songs.