Favorite Headlines from The Onion

[RBM]

Well, I didn't vote for anyone in the Who's The Funniest CAG thread, but in case anyone here wasn't aware of the site http://www.theonion.com I thought I would share some of my favorite headlines from this site, which often cracks me up.

Two recent headlines that've tickled my funnybone:

"Bush to Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On'"

"Cheney Wows Sept. 11 Commission By Drinking Glass of Water While Bush Speaks"

HAHAHA!! Any other fans of The Onion here? :lol:

[PsyClerk]

It wasn't a headline, but they had a story about a failed McDonald's promotional character called the Hammurderer. One of his stories was called 'Shivved in the McRibs.' It also mentions 'the Grapist, a large purple creature that sodomizes thirsty children.' THAT was The Onion at it's finest. I was nearly in tears from laughing at the Grapist.

[starman9000]

WA-

[thatstoobad]

i have the desk calendar, and here are some of my favorites from the year so far:

"sudanese 14-year-old has midlife crisis"

"jesus christ kills 2, injures 7 in abortion clinic attack"

"lutheran minister loves to fuck his wife"

"suborbital ballistic-propulsion engineer not exactly a rocket scientist"

"violence against women linked to burned pot roast"

there's one that i don't remember exactly, but went sometihng like:

"bassist not aware that his band is christian"

[magilacudy]

I remember the bassist article, that was pretty funny. Can't really think of any others at the moment. That's weird though, I went on the Onion site yesterday and it said it was becoming a premium only site. I was a little disappointed at that, but I'm happy to see its free again.

[RBM]

"violence against women linked to burned pot roast"

Ha! That's rich! I also dig their parody of the "This Day In News" gimmick that newspapers now do, wherein headlines from the same day from years past are re-printed. One of my favorites from that gimmick on the Onion had to be:

"FDR Tells Nation It Has Nothing To Fear But Three Decades of Crippling Depression

[Birbo]

Don't have a favorite headline, but man do I love Herbert Kornfeld a.k.a. "The H-Dog". Cracks me up every time.

[jmcc]

Yeah, while not a headline, my favorite story was:

"QUEENS, NY- For the first time since the list's 1989 release, MC Serch of 3rd Bass unveiled an updated Gas Face list Tuesday, removing such longtime recipients as Hammer and P.W. Botha in favor of more current wrongdoers. "Osama bin Laden... gets the gas face," MC Serch, flanked by Prime Minister Pete Nice, told reporters. "Bill O'Reilly, shut the f.uck up! Gas face!" Also included on MC Serch's newly revised Gas Face list were Scott Peterson, U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), and Grand Puba."

[BlueWingX]

My favorite article and headline ever was an opinion column from "The head of Gillette"....

"F--- Everything, We're Doing Five Blades"

I love that one.

[cozydean]

"Everyone Involved in Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High"

[scargums]

the classic "HOLY SHIT WE LANDED ON THE FUCKING MOON!" retro article and "the remote controlled remote control"

my favorite was about nike stopping production on all of its products in order to focus on what it does best, making commercials.

[Mr. Anderson]

I forgot the exact title, but it was something like:

"Video game characters demand sharp blades/spinning fire be removed from games"

Classic.

[thatstoobad]

Yeah, while not a headline, my favorite story was:

"QUEENS, NY- For the first time since the list's 1989 release, MC Serch of 3rd Bass unveiled an updated Gas Face list Tuesday, removing such longtime recipients as Hammer and P.W. Botha in favor of more current wrongdoers. "Osama bin Laden... gets the gas face," MC Serch, flanked by Prime Minister Pete Nice, told reporters. "Bill O'Reilly, shut the f.uck up! Gas face!" Also included on MC Serch's newly revised Gas Face list were Scott Peterson, U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), and Grand Puba."

if we're going to include the "news in brief" articles, then i'm going to have post this one:

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress passed a bill Monday changing the nation's name to the Ünited Stätes of Ämerica. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the Ünited Stätes is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the Ämerican flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works, to be written by composer Glenn Danzig and tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."

[PsyClerk]

You also can't forget 'Christ Returns To the NBA' with the picture of Jesus dunking on someone.

Also the article about the 9-11 terrorists being confused as to why they are being tortured in hell instead of enjoying their 72 virgins is great, too.