post your best jokes!

[JakeT81588]

okay... here is where we r gonna post all of our best jokes. I have a few but i need more! so post the best joke you know here. i dont care if it is innapropriate, racist, w/e... i love it all!

[The Successful Dropout]

i cant think of a joke right now, maybe its because
eye we tall did

[evilmax17]

What's the difference between a pope and a priest?

YOU'RE MOTHER'S A WHORE!!!!!!!!!!

[The Successful Dropout]

whats the difference between my mom being a whore and your mom being a whore

a pope and a priest!!

[SneakyPenguin]

hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

and

what did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend?

see you next month.

[ZForce915]

I priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and say, "did you hear the one about us"?

Ok I stole that from Family Guy. But it's funny.

[JackSuper]

What kind of key doesn't open doors?!



A MON-KEY!!!!! :rofl:

[peteh555]

What did the polish rapist in a lineup say?
Yeah, thats the girl I raped.

[SneakyPenguin]

hear about the polish terrorist cell/

hijacked a blimp and bumped into 3 buildings.

[dcfox]

hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

and

what did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend?

see you next month.

Wait . . . I just stole that from Sneaky. Does it still count?

[evilmax17]

hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?


I don't get this one...

[bignick]

What do you call cheese thats not yours?

nacho chees!

What does snoop use an umbrella for?

fo drizzle!

[thatstoobad]

here's one that's funny:

so i travel a lot, but i hate traveling. it's probably because my dad beat me with a globe.

it's not my creation, but who cares.

[Doylerulez]

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

[The Successful Dropout]

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

lmao

[ZForce915]

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

The hell? Worst...joke...ever...

[JakeT81588]

what do you call a witch on the beach?

a sand-witch!

[punqsux]

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
ahahahhahaa wow thats a good one!

[alongx]

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

I love me a good dead baby joke.

What's red and swings?
Dead baby on a meat hook
What's green and swings?
Same baby, 6 weeks later.

[thatstoobad]

I love me a good dead baby joke.

i don't understand what makes these funny.

[The Successful Dropout]

whats yummy when green?

[spoo]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[dcfox]

whats yummy when green?
a dead baby after a few weeks?

[jmcc]

None of these are as subtle or clever as "The Aristocrats."

[The Successful Dropout]

yum yum


a bit chewy though

[thatstoobad]

A baby seal walks into a club.

see, that's funny.

[JakeT81588]

so a man walks into a bar.... and hes all like "ouch"

[dcfox]

A baby seal walks into a club.

see, that's funny.
So its funny if a baby seal gets killed but when its a human baby its wrong. What if I raised my baby seal as if it were human and my human baby as a baby seal then clubbed it to death, would it still be funny?

[jmcc]

A baby seal walks into a club.

see, that's funny.
So its funny if a baby seal gets killed but when its a human baby its wrong. What if I raised my baby seal as if it were human and my human baby as a baby seal then clubbed it to death, would it still be funny?

It depends. Did you breast feed the baby seal?

[godhatesjustyou]

whats the difference between a dead baby and my grandmother?

when i fuck my grandmother up the ass, she doesn't die!






*odd silence*

[punqsux]

so a man walks into a bar.... and hes all like "ouch"

this better work...
http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RwCLAmMWtT*tMqNDvBUGe1Ti81NXlwpsTkXC5Ob5kZmexnYav XH5yS3fB85iGNxrmZAnMuP1An2TYPF*tGaq!wzzijaP31sj9l9 QIY6waTg/billycrystal.jpg

[The Successful Dropout]

whats the difference between a dead baby and my grandmother?

when i shaq-fu my grandmother up the ass, she doesn't die!






*odd silence*

is it because she can take it? or is she already dead? 'cause if shes already dead, thats sick

[PapiChullo]

Since people like the dead baby jokes:

How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off it's head.

[thatstoobad]

So its funny if a baby seal gets killed but when its a human baby its wrong. What if I raised my baby seal as if it were human and my human baby as a baby seal then clubbed it to death, would it still be funny?

when you say "so a seal walks into a club" it's funny because it's kind of offensive, but it's a play on the usual beginning to a joke where they say "so a guy walks into a bar". it takes a little more thought than the thing about dead babies in the back of a truck being removed by a pitch fork. i mean, how often does that happen? i'm guessing not very. i don't think there is anything morally wrong with making jokes about dead babies, i only think there is something morally wrong with making jokes about dead babies that make no sense and aren't funny.

anyways, i'm not very good with the "ask a question then give the punchline" type of jokes, i prefer one liner/story type jokes, so in light of this i'll post another one from dave attell, who is a funny guy:

so i go out to this bar, and i'm thinking she's alone, i'm alone, why not annoy the shit out of her? so i'm walking over to her, and i notice that she's got a black eye, she's got a shiner, and i'm thinking "great, she doesn't listen."

[The Successful Dropout]

but i dont want it to float

:::stomps back on its head:::

[sj41]

Sink the little bastard. :twisted:

[Mr. Anderson]

Best dead baby joke ever:

Whats worse than 10 dead babys in a trash can?

1 dead baby in 10 trash cans.

[PapiChullo]

How do you know when a baby's dead?

The dog plays with it more.

[The Successful Dropout]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

[The Successful Dropout]

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

[hutno]

A guy goes to the optometrist,
When the docotr sees the man he tells him "you need to stop masturbating."

He replies, "Why doc? Am i going blind?"

"No but you are make the other people here in the waiting room very uncomfertable."

[The Successful Dropout]

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

[The Successful Dropout]

and yes...i am jacking these off of http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/introduction.htm

[hutno]

Dead baby jokes just leave me feeling like im going straight to hell for laughing at them

[The Successful Dropout]

don't worry, you won't be alone

[punqsux]

wow, i just typed dead baby into google image search, and they are not as funny as one would think

i guess dead babies are more of "you had to be there" funny

[dcfox]

I went to the the website, and the first few were funny. The last couple of pages, however, were just downright disturbing.

[The Successful Dropout]

only read the first like 5 pages....22 pages was just crazy

[snotknocker]

Three mice are sitting in bar drinking beer.

The first mouse say's I'm the toughest mouse in the house. I can open the fridge get inside and eat anything I want anytime I want.

The second mouse say's no your not, I'm the toughest mouse in the house, I've snagged thousands of pieces of cheese from the traps and never got caught.

The third mouse throws up his arms and say's I can't listen to this crap, I'm going home to screw the cat.

[Doylerulez]

Didn't think dead baby jokes were gonna take over, I apologize. I'll try something else...

Why do women wear white at the wedding?
Because the dishwasher is SUPPOSED to match the stove and refrigerator.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

[Ericnmel99]

What were John Lennons Last words??


Yoko......Oh No

[snotknocker]

They cancelled sex education and driver education classes today in Iraq

The camel got sick.

[MrBadExample]

What has 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

[giftbj]

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.



What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't told that bitch twice already.

[MrBadExample]

I called in sick this morning with anal glaucoma.
I just couldn't see my ass coming to work today.

[thatstoobad]

this was on conan's "in the year 2000" bit a couple nights ago:

"historians will discover that julius caesar's last words were not 'et tu, brute?' but instead 'not the crotch, NOT THE CROTCH!' "

[jdpimp]

What's black, white, red, and can't fit through a revolving door?

a nun with a spear through her head.

[Darke Katt]

A salesman is walking through a neighborhood in the sticks, an approaches a house with a small boy playing in the yard. He knocks on the door, but there is no response. He walks up to the boy and asks, "Can you tell me where your mother is?"

The boy nods, taking the man's hand and leading him around to the side of the house. The boy points at a window, so the man takes the cue to look in. To his utter shock, he sees the boy's mother screwing a goat!

He looks down at the boy and asks, "Doesn't this bother you?"

The boy replies, "N-a-a-a-a-h."

[snotknocker]

A man is speeding down the highway.

He passes a a billboard with a motorcycle cop hiding behind it waiting for speeders.

The cop pulls him over and asks for his documents then asks him where he was going in such a hurry.

man: I was late for work and in a hurry

cop: What do you do ?

man: I'm an asshole stretcher

cop: asshole stretcher! what's that

man: I take an ass hole stick 2 fingers in it work it a bit untill I can get both hands in, then I work and stretch it a little more till I can get both forearms in, then I stretch and stretch untill the asshole is about six feet.

cop: Six feet! wow! What do you do with a six foot asshole?

man: I give it a motorcycle and put it next to a billboard on the highway :D

[bruce_pwns_j00]

person 1 - knock knock
person 2 - whos there?
person 1 - lil boy blue
person 2 - lil boy blue who?
person 1 - michael jackson

[snotknocker]

Michael Jackson is throwing a party, it's BYOB
Bring Your Own Boy

[doraemonkerpal]

nice thread, lol! back on topic...

"A blind man walks into supermarket with his golden retriever. He picks up the dog by its tail and starts swinging it over his head. Store manager runs over and asks frantically 'is everything alright sir can I help you?' the blind mean says 'oh I'm just looking around."

[SneakyPenguin]

i have 2, but im not sure if i should post them, they are pretty racist against jews (dont personally have any harsh feelings, the jokes are jsut funny). theyre both nazi related.

you think i should post them?

[doraemonkerpal]

i have 2, but im not sure if i should post them, they are pretty racist against jews (dont personally have any harsh feelings, the jokes are jsut funny). theyre both nazi related.

you think i should post them?

personally, i don't think we should post anything racist on these boards. :)

if someone wants to hear them, they can pm you. (compromise? :D)

[sblymnlcrymnl]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[snotknocker]

i have 2, but im not sure if i should post them, they are pretty racist against jews (dont personally have any harsh feelings, the jokes are jsut funny). theyre both nazi related.

you think i should post them?

Don't do it. You might regret it later if you do.

[SneakyPenguin]

i have 2, but im not sure if i should post them, they are pretty racist against jews (dont personally have any harsh feelings, the jokes are jsut funny). theyre both nazi related.

you think i should post them?

personally, i don't think we should post anything racist on these boards. :)

if someone wants to hear them, they can pm you. (compromise? :D)

okay, that works. i dont want to offend anyone, i just think theyre really funny. wrong, but funny.

[Naughty_Insomniac]

A termite walk into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

[bruce_pwns_j00]

Oldest joke ever:
theres 3 gay guys in a tub, a condom floats up, what do they all say?


who farted

[x0thedeadzone0x]

OK, so sneaky can't talk about jews, yet you can talk about smacking bitches across the head and old dead babies floating around on meat hooks.
that's just ƒucking wrong people.

[Moxio]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?




Because 7 ate 9.

[oddfella]

Why is poo tapered at the end?
So your butthole don't slam shut

[bignick]

Why dont women wear watches?

There is a clock on the stove!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice!

[thingsfallnapart]

ever hear about the polish man who found out he had sugar in his urine? he went home and took a leak on his corn flakes.

[alongx]

OK, so sneaky can't talk about jews, yet you can talk about smacking bitches across the head and old dead babies floating around on meat hooks.

Not that Iwould, but a lot of people would get offended by jokes that could be considered antisemetic.
As for the dead babies...well, I doubt there's any dead babies reading CAG to get offended :lol:

[alongx]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

[kaw]

Q: What do you call a woman who's allergic to latex?
A: Mommy.

_______________

Laurie got offended that I used the word "shit". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

[alongx]

person 1 - knock knock
person 2 - whos there?
person 1 - lil boy blue
person 2 - lil boy blue who?
person 1 - michael jackson

Andrew Dice Clay had much better presentation.

Little boy blue.
Hey, he needed the money! Oh!

[SneakyPenguin]

Why do polish names all end in "ski"?

because they cant spell tabogan.

[jmcc]

I state again, none of these are as good as The Aristocrats* (http://www.bafeagle.com/tmp/thearistocrats.wmv)(right click to download)

*!DANGER! Not even vaguely safe for work. Probably not safe for home. You are warned.

[kaw]

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirtbag.

[snotknocker]

NEWSFLASH: Oprah Winfrey was arrested for drug possession
Cops lifted her dress and found 15 pounds of crack

[tamno1]

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

I love me a good dead baby joke.

What's red and swings?
Dead baby on a meat hook
What's green and swings?
Same baby, 6 weeks later.


it's more horrifying than funny man.

[JakeT81588]

this is more of a comment than a joke but i still found it really funny.

Just tell Nemo that you couldn't find him because you were getting stoned... he'll understand

[tamno1]

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.


Usually I goddamn hate dead baby jokes, but this one is ingenious.

[punqsux]

this is more of a comment than a joke but i still found it really funny.

Just tell Nemo that you couldn't find him because you were getting stoned... he'll understand

that dosent have anything to do with dead babies... :roll:

[JakeT81588]

haha, oh yeah sneaky... i find it ironic that you wanted to post jewish jokes when the creator of this thread is in fact... jewish. oh yeah, guess who the creator is :)

[Doylerulez]

What is a woman doing when she is staring at a blank piece of paper?
Reading her rights.

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.
"Oh!" said his friend, "Good trade."

I find them funny, but my girlfriend punched me, I don't understand :wink:

[The Successful Dropout]

lmao @doyles jokes

[LaraCroftsLeftBoob]

SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY: Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed
that beer contains small traces of female hormones. The most
prevalent hormone was Estrogen. To prove their theory they fed
100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100% of them gained
weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn't
drive.


What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

[LaraCroftsLeftBoob]

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him!"
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do... do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling,
"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"



Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one long standing wish - to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts to his mind's desire.
Every time he passed the Queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to king's chief medical officer, Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it.
Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Ahmed could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1,000 gold coins for it.
Ahmed agreed.
The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the Queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the King's anxiety. Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Ahmed's mouth.
Akbar summoned Ahmed and for the next 4 hours Ahmed violently sucked the Queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired.
Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his mission was over he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact he shooed him away.
Ahmed of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor. But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal.
Next day Birbal duly put that lotion in King Akbar's underwear.
Ahmed was called promptly by the King again.

[LaraCroftsLeftBoob]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."



The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4 Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat
me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-
dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[SneakyPenguin]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

That just might be my favorite joke ever.

[bruce_pwns_j00]

Chill man, its obvious your copying them from a site.

[LaraCroftsLeftBoob]

actually, they're from my computer. whenever anyone emails me a good joke i save it. ya never know when you're gonna need a good one.

[Amanda the Red Mage]

(This joke works a lot better spoken than written. You might need to read the answers out loud to get them.)

There's a red light district at the top of a hill. What nationality is the man going up the hill?

Russian.

What nationality is the man going down the hill?

Finnish.

What nationality is the man on top of the hill?

Himalayan.

What nationality is the man standing at the bottom of the hill?

Polish.... he's waiting for the light to turn green. ;)

[chalalite]

The solution to world hunger and overpopulation is to take half of the starving children and feed them to the other half.

[oddfella]

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar...

[Moxio]

Damn, old thread.

[Xevious]

Did you hear that scientists discovered a lesbian dinosaur?

Its called a "Lickalottapus"

[chess380]

why did the duck get pulled over ?

cause they found quack in his car :lol:

[MysticMike01]

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

I love me a good dead baby joke.



That is crazily disturbing. But I couldn't help but laughing when I read it. I mean, YOU PEOPLE ARE SOME DISTURBED FUCKS!!! DEAD BABY JOKES?!?!?! YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING INSANE!!!

[captainofindustry]

What do you get when you combine a baby and an apple?




Cobbler!