Don't make me tell this joke

[Mr.Answer]

Help, every week I lead a men's group and the tradition is the half hour meeting is always ended with a joke. After 5 years of weekly meetings jokes (and they must be clean) are getting pretty thin. Here is the best I can find right now.... don't make me unleash this joke upon a group of senior citizens! Please for the love of humanity post some better jokes.

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There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had
kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a
shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that
he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret
of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got
angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the doilies.




like I said after 5 years x52 weeks a year I fear I'm hitting the bottom of the barrel.

[Mr.Answer]

and the second one (there is always 2)

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

[Mr.Answer]

Found a possible replacement for #2.

To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, and for that matter the rest of the country, I must report the sad news that Ole was SHOT. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees, when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, using a loudspeaker, they shouted to him "Who are you and what are you doing?"

Ole shouted back, "OLE........BIN LOGGIN'!"

Ole is survived by his wife Lena and good friend Lars.

[jaykrue]

Help, every week I lead a men's group and the tradition is the half hour meeting is always ended with a joke. After 5 years of weekly meetings jokes (and they must be clean) are getting pretty thin. Here is the best I can find right now.... don't make me unleash this joke upon a group of senior citizens! Please for the love of humanity post some better jokes.

------------------------

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had
kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a
shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that
he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret
of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got
angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the doilies.




like I said after 5 years x52 weeks a year I fear I'm hitting the bottom of the barrel.

Well, I've heard the more 'adult' version of this.

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years while living on a farm. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. One day, they were sitting out on the porch staring at the beautiful setting sun when all of a sudden the wife blurted out, "Honey have you ever cheated on me?" He replied, "Once, dear, and I swore I would never make the same mistake again. What about you?" Without a word, she goes into the house and comes back out w/ a shoebox. She hands it to him. When he opened it, he found pieces of corn and a stack of money totaling $25,000. She explained, "Whenever I cheated on you, I would put a piece of corn in the box to remind me of my sinful deed." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two pieces of corn were in the box. She had only cheated on him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the corn, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "Whenever I would get a bushel, I'd sell each one for $10."

[Mr.Answer]

remember---I have to keep it clean.

Well, I've heard the more 'adult' version of this.

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years while living on a farm. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. One day, they were sitting out on the porch staring at the beautiful setting sun when all of a sudden the wife blurted out, "Honey have you ever cheated on me?" He replied, "Once, dear, and I swore I would never make the same mistake again. What about you?" Without a word, she goes into the house and comes back out w/ a shoebox. She hands it to him. When he opened it, he found pieces of corn and a stack of money totaling $25,000. She explained, "Whenever I cheated on you, I would put a piece of corn in the box to remind me of my sinful deed." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two pieces of corn were in the box. She had only cheated on him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the corn, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "Whenever I would get a bushel, I'd sell each one for $10."

[Kayden]

The last one is stupid... but the math one is pretty funny.



....and what kind of "men's" group doesn't allow dirty jokes? :-s

[Mr.Answer]

The last one is stupid... but the math one is pretty funny.



....and what kind of "men's" group doesn't allow dirty jokes? :-s

Men's Bible study group.

10-20 70+ year olds meet for study, then 5 min or so of jokes, than breakfast.

They appreciate alot of jokes though .. although my last weeks thanksgiving ones were LAME.. so I need to come through. You thought the math one was good? I've been troubled over that one... I find it clever but not funny.. need more input.

[jaykrue]

remember---I have to keep it clean.

Well, it's not too racy I think. I got that joke from my grandmother. :lol: Then again, my grandma did have a strange sense of humor. :rofl:

Men's Bible study group.
10-20 70+ year olds meet for study, then 5 min or so of jokes, than breakfast.
They appreciate alot of jokes though .. although my last weeks thanksgiving ones were LAME.. so I need to come through.

Whoops! Nevermind! :cry:

[Mr.Answer]

Well, it's not too racy I think. I got that joke from my grandmother. :lol: Then again, my grandma did have a strange sense of humor. :rofl:



Whoops! Nevermind! :cry:


Not too racy in the grand scheme of things..but would your grandma like that joke being told by her pastor? That is the dilema

[Kayden]

So... You're over 70? O_o?

Damn... when I'm that age, videogames will be implanted into my brain.

[Kayden]

Not too racy in the grand scheme of things..but would your grandma like that joke being told by her pastor? That is the dilema

My Grandma wasn't real fond of the priest fondling lil boys (actually happened) but it didn't really stop him... :lol:

[Dr Mario Kart]

So I guess you cant use:

"What do women and electronics have in common?"

They both work better when you hit them

[jaykrue]

Not too racy in the grand scheme of things..but would your grandma like that joke being told by her pastor? That is the dilema

Actually, I come from a quirky neighborhood. I grew up around a priest who said things that'd make a sailor blush but he said it was fair game to say as long as God's numerous names weren't invoked/involved in such things. It was the whole 'Thou shalt not take God's name in vain' thing. So while 'goddamn' was out of the question, 'damn it' was ok. And my grandma was devoutly religious but she was also mercurial. She knew a few good dirty jokes and said that the purpose of jokes were to make a person laugh and as long as God/Jesus/Mary isn't involved, anything's fair game. :lol: Like I said - quirky.

[Vampire Hunter D]

What happened to the guy who didnt pay his preist? He got reposesed.

[Vampire Hunter D]

So this baby seal walks into a club.



The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

In the UK:

Two teenage boys were arrested today by Surrey Police in a Local hardware Store. One was arrested for eating fireworks, and the other arrested for drinking battery acid. They charged one, and let the other one off.

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho Cheese.

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

[b0bx13]

So... You're over 70? O_o?

Damn... when I'm that age, videogames will be implanted into my brain.
I *think* he just leads the group.

[worx]

In the UK:

Two teenage boys were arrested today by Surrey Police in a Local hardware Store. One was arrested for eating fireworks, and the other arrested for drinking battery acid. They charged one, and let the other one off.

:rofl: I'd heard it as...

...One was arrested for stealing porn and the other for drinking battery acid. They charged one and the other got off.

[AlbinoNinja]

ok, this is a long one so u better be greatful for me posting it. It's a good, clean, pretty funny joke that u might want to save if you have a lot of time at the end

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So a man is going to a job interview a few states away, and he can't afford a train or plane ticket, so he decides to drive his old, busted up car there. The man has to reach his destination in three days, and as soon as he drives off, his car breaks in a small town.

So he takes his car to a mechanic, and asks the mechanic how long it will take for the car to be fixed.

"Well, I need to order a part, and the company said it will come in 1-3 days, so you're going to be here for a little while," the mechanic said.

"Great! I have no money! Where am I supposed to go?"

"Well, there's a monestary on the edge of town. The monks will take you in. They have to."

So the man goes to the monestary, knocks on the door, and a little monk answers. The monk gives the man a room and the man falls asleep. In the middle of the night, the man hears a blood curdling scream, followed what sounded like some kind of an animal. The man was in a panic, but eventually went back to sleep.

The next day, the man asked the monk what was that sound. The monk responded "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

The man goes back to the mechanic, only to learn that the part hasnt come in yet. Frustrated at the end of the day, he goes back to the monestary and goes to sleep again. Once again, he heard the sounds, and once again he went downstairs the next day and asked the monk. Once again, the monk said "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

So the man went back to the mechanic, and found out that the part still hasn't come in. His interview was supposed to be today, and there was no way he could make it, so he gave up. Instead, the man decided to become a monk, so he could find out what was making the bloodcurdling scream.

The man trained as a monk for 6 years, and finally returned to the monestary so he could find out what was causing that scream. The monk he met six years ago led the man downstairs into the basement. The man was in a long corridor with a door at the end, and when the man opened the door, he found another door. The man opened the next one, and then another one, and finally opened a great, huge, gold-plated door.

The man opened the door and saw the most beautiful thing he ever saw.

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At this point u wait for someone to speak up, they will most likely say something like "what was it?" (you may want to ask someone to do this for you)
You answer the person, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

[Mr.Answer]

Thanks a bunch I'll be using that one next week!



ok, this is a long one so u better be greatful for me posting it. It's a good, clean, pretty funny joke that u might want to save if you have a lot of time at the end

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So a man is going to a job interview a few states away, and he can't afford a train or plane ticket, so he decides to drive his old, busted up car there. The man has to reach his destination in three days, and as soon as he drives off, his car breaks in a small town.

So he takes his car to a mechanic, and asks the mechanic how long it will take for the car to be fixed.

"Well, I need to order a part, and the company said it will come in 1-3 days, so you're going to be here for a little while," the mechanic said.

"Great! I have no money! Where am I supposed to go?"

"Well, there's a monestary on the edge of town. The monks will take you in. They have to."

So the man goes to the monestary, knocks on the door, and a little monk answers. The monk gives the man a room and the man falls asleep. In the middle of the night, the man hears a blood curdling scream, followed what sounded like some kind of an animal. The man was in a panic, but eventually went back to sleep.

The next day, the man asked the monk what was that sound. The monk responded "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

The man goes back to the mechanic, only to learn that the part hasnt come in yet. Frustrated at the end of the day, he goes back to the monestary and goes to sleep again. Once again, he heard the sounds, and once again he went downstairs the next day and asked the monk. Once again, the monk said "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

So the man went back to the mechanic, and found out that the part still hasn't come in. His interview was supposed to be today, and there was no way he could make it, so he gave up. Instead, the man decided to become a monk, so he could find out what was making the bloodcurdling scream.

The man trained as a monk for 6 years, and finally returned to the monestary so he could find out what was causing that scream. The monk he met six years ago led the man downstairs into the basement. The man was in a long corridor with a door at the end, and when the man opened the door, he found another door. The man opened the next one, and then another one, and finally opened a great, huge, gold-plated door.

The man opened the door and saw the most beautiful thing he ever saw.

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At this point u wait for someone to speak up, they will most likely say something like "what was it?" (you may want to ask someone to do this for you)
You answer the person, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

[Snake2715]

pmd you

[Mr.Answer]

pmd you


Thanks!