Family Guy...

[JimmieMac]

I figured every fourm needs a "Post your favorite Family Guy Quote here" topic so this is mine (ours).

From "The Story on Page One"

Stewie has implanted Chris with a mind control device and sent him out to do his bidding:

Shopkeep: Well hi there.
Stewie: Good day, shopkeep.
Chris: Good day shopkeep, I require a hand-operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum.
Shopkeep: What?
Chris: It's for a school project, I'm some sort of student sent here for... oh blast what the devil do they study? uh... Latin class.
Shopkeep: Uhh, sorry kid, I can't sell power tools to minors.
Chris: Now look here you gourd-bellied codpiece. Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I'll transform your blue collar into a red one and-
Who the deuce are you? No I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? Get out of here you hobo. Oh bloody hell, is this thing still on?




Now it's your turn.....

[CheapyD]

"Optimus Prime is Jewish?"

http://www.cheapassgamer.com/images/game%20images/optimus.jpg

[E-Z-B]

"Optimus Prime is Jewish?"

http://www.cheapassgamer.com/images/game%20images/optimus.jpg

Funny, I thought I saw all those Family Guy episodes when they were on Fox. Must've missed that one somehow.

Anyone know if Fox plans to air new episodes? I heard a rumor that they were considering it based on the strong DVD sales. (Someone may have brought light on this in another thread, but I'm too lazy to search).

[ZForce915]

Brian: "They're eating asian reporter Trisa Takinaowa!"
Peter: "That's stupid...they're just going to be hungry in an hour"

[st0neface]

"Optimus Prime is Jewish?"

http://www.cheapassgamer.com/images/game%20images/optimus.jpg

Funny, I thought I saw all those Family Guy episodes when they were on Fox. Must've missed that one somehow.

Anyone know if Fox plans to air new episodes? I heard a rumor that they were considering it based on the strong DVD sales. (Someone may have brought light on this in another thread, but I'm too lazy to search).

That was from Wish upon a Wienstein, the one Fox never aired

[metroidkiller9]

Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street.
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

[Medium_Pimpin]

Peter:Where am i gonna come up with 50,000 dollars?
Quagmire:Well, you could whore yourself out to a thousand fat chicks for $50 or a hundred really fat chicks for $500.
*Stares and *silence
QM:What? Fat chicks need love too.

[JSweeney]

"Optimus Prime is Jewish?"

http://www.cheapassgamer.com/images/game%20images/optimus.jpg

That's it, I need to find a Transformers Armada Optimus Prime (on clearence) and make a customer "Family Guy Jewish Optimus Prime now.

[Doylerulez]

Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Gene Simmons: Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock.

Ah such a great show.

[DRJ555]

Peter is trying to come up with a fake name for himself.

*looks at a plate of peas

Peter: Peeeee

*looks at a girl crying

Peter: Tearrrr

*looks at a Griffin

Peter: Griffin. Peee Tear Griffin.

[bluetoast]

Doctor: What were you doing in that toxic waste dump?

Adam West: I was trying to get super-powers.

Doctor: Well that's just silly!

Adam West: Silly? yes. Idiotic? yes.

_________________________________________j

Peter: Hey have they ever had a sesame street where the Count kills someone and sucks their blood?

Brian: You're asking if they've ever had an episode of Sesame Street where the Count kills somebody and uses their blood for sustenance?

Peter: Yeah.

Brian: No, no they've never done that.

_________________________________________

Peter (after an ackward situation): You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

[st0neface]

Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antita. I mean when a neo-conservative defenistrates its like Paskalnikoff philibusters dioximonohydroxinate.

Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

[E-Z-B]

Ha! Anyone know where the cheapest place to buy the Family Guy DVD volumes from? I want them now! Forgot how much I missed it.

[SteveMcQ]

Vol. 1 was just on sale last week at BB for $30.

I heard Costco had some good deals on them a while back around Christmas. Might wanna check it out...you might get lucky.

"Hey birthday dude. You want some ice cream?"

"Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you."

[SneakyPenguin]

Brian: C'Mon, that excuse is lamer than FDR's legs.

::silence::

Brian: Too Soon?

such a great show. damn fox for cancelling it. thank god for cartoon network

[bluetoast]

Didn't you hear Penguin? Fox is picking it back up. About 35 new episodes in 2005 or so.

[SneakyPenguin]

Didn't you hear Penguin? Fox is picking it back up. About 35 new episodes in 2005 or so.

yay! yayayayayayayayayayayayay

can you tell im happy? hopefully this time they wont doom it to a bad timeslot like they used to.

Fox Exec:Lets put it on sunday! no tuesday!, no thursday against friends! now lets make up a day just so we can put it on a crappy timeslot on this new day, this blurnday now lets cancel it because no one ever watches it because they dont know when its on

bastards

[DRJ555]

Stewie: Oooo someone has a dirty diaper. Uhhh why does that turn me on?

[Wshakspear]

I always work Blurnsday...

anyways..

Quagmire: Hey there Gorgeous, how old are you?
Connie: 16
Quagmire: 18?
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I Like where this is goin'

[TheRock88]

Peter: Well,until Gumble to Gumble is back on the air i am going on a hunger strike!
TV guy: Well sir, I...
Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
TV guy: Uh...sir, thats not edible...
Peter: Wanna split it?

[Wshakspear]

I wish i remembered how this one went...

Salesman: "My uncle who blah, blah blah..."
Peter in head: "I too have an uncle"
Peter: "Come in"

[thatstoobad]

stewie - "i rather like this god fellow. he’s very theatrical, you know. a pestilence here and a plague there. omnipotence, got to get me some of that."
------------------------
lois - "typical male fantasy, women drinking beer. i guarantee you a man made that commercial."

peter - "of course a man made it, it's a commercial, lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner."
------------------------
adam west - "i love this job more than i love taffy, and i'm a man who enjoys his taffy."

[stonedgamer]

guy: "apparently there was a half eaten meatball clogging your vacuum"
peter: "did, did you you save it?"
guy: "Umm, no"
peter: "you bastard"

[msdmoney]

I got two:

"I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Lois knocks Peter unconscious.] I woke several hours later in a daze."

- Peter Griffin, narrating his own life out loud.

"lets see, soda, some purple stuff... sunny d alright!"

-Stewie

[JimmieMac]

Guy:Oh how cute, it's a time machine!
Stewie:No! No! It's a...It's a ....Oh blast, what the devil do children draw? IT'S A PHEASANT!"

[JimmieMac]

Chris: They have this game, where you put in a dollar and you win 4 quarters! I win every time!

[basketkase543]

Last I heard is that Cartoon Network is going to get the new episodes next year. That should kick ass!

[PsyClerk]

Chris: Dad, were you talking about some other Chris, 'cause if not I think you just lied to Mom!

Peter: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that and that and that and that and that and that. And that.

[magilacudy]

It's a long quote, but definitely my favorite -

EDIT: Whoops sorry, didn't realize.

EDITAGAIN: Any quote said by God or Jesus is hilarious. I like the scene where Peter's videotaping the plastic bag flying around and God yells at him. I'm too lazy to look it up... oh well

[suprsaiyanMAX]

Its not a quote, but the fight between Peter and the chicken passing out expired coupons is perhaps the best fight ever on an American TV show.

[st0neface]

Hey magilacudy, I don't want to sound like an ass, but that was the first quote in this thread.

[eatntae]

Brian: So you're a... you're a flag girl. That's great, Meg.

Stewie: Yes, yes... now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

[Both snicker]

[carlagyrl]

A couple of really great and funny quotes:

Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are going to follow around stupid old KISS, it's painful.
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out

[hutno]

*Stewie breaks Megs glasses*

Stewie: Is this a poopie or a toblarone?

[FlipSide]

Stewie : Oh, look at me. Look, my finger is in a very naughty place.
(Stewie picking his nose)
Brian : Kid, you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper

[Battousai1002]

Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender! aahhahhaha...oh, that's right...i went there.

Stewie: eheh...th-thank you, thank you...that was um...me farting...by-by chopin...eheh...tha-thank you...thank you very...thank you very... (runs off)

Peter: oh jeez, this hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.
(field museum flashback)
Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man: Cuz you touch yourself at night.

[terribledeli]

Six simple words: "Catch the greased up deaf guy"

[Syncmaster]

Peter: I'm digging this hole becuase I feel it is my duty... ahha, I said doodie. Hey louis, DOOOODIE.

Louis: haha, stop it Peter.

Peter: Ha, Diarrhea, ha.

Louis: Peter, stop it, I'm holding ice tea.

(you'd have to see it)

[lilboo]

"If I'm such a child, then that makes YOU a pedophile and I refuse to stand here and get lectured by a PERVERT!" - Peter

I LOVE that quote.

[cmndrhavok]

Agent: Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team but he wants to know what type of compensation your willing to offer.

Peter: uhm. . . . . Me Love U Long Time?

[carlagyrl]

Peter: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space.
[flashback]
Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old daughter out into the woods for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry pedophile with you.

Peter: Holy crip he's a crapple

Peter: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.

Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ...Can't it be both?

Family is the best show ever!!!

[cag1000]

Stewie: Damn you woman you've impeded my work since the day i escaped from your wretched womb

[argyle]

Very first episode here. ;)

Court scene, various ppl surprised by what they've just heard:

"Oh no!" "Oh no!" "Oh no!"

*Kool-Aide man bursts through wall*

"OH YEAH!"

*uncomfortable silence*

:)

[whiteboy]

Peter: Hey, i read a book about this once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasnt... nothing.
Peter: Oh yeah.

[SneakyPenguin]

okay this one isnt from family guy, its from harvey birdman (another [adult swim] show), but it is my fave quote ever:

Phil (his boss):Im gonna keep my eyes on you (he only has one eye)
Birdman: eye.
Phil:I didnt know you were scottish!

[coolboyian]

Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

lol!!! Family Guy is the best!! :-D

[godhatesjustyou]

this isnt from family guy also, this is from aqua teen hunger force from adult swim also. that has to be my all time favorite show, with family guy coming up close to 2nd. anyways, for the quote.

Dr. Weird: Gentlemen. If I cut my own head off with sufficient force, the blood will rocket out my neck and propel my body to Phoenix.
Steve: Um, what's in Phoenix?
Dr. Weird: Your momma's in Phoenix, Steve. Now get my axe.

oh man, there are so many more good ones, i just can't think of them all.

and heres one from space ghost coast to coast:

Zorak: You dance like a woman.
Space Ghost: I dance like a woman... if she were a man!
Zorak: Well... ya got me there.

[moiety]

Anytime Stewie speaks, it's usually really funny in my opinion.

Stewie: "Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."

Stewie: "You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get, your life however is more like a box of active grenades! Now I offer you one last chance for deliverance- return my mind control device, or be destroyed."

[Suprnova90]

Dear Blue Toast,

Thank you for posting the greatest family guy quote of all time..... "You know what I haven't had in a while...... Big League Chew"........ Anyways, just wanted to say that on Halo 2, we have the official "Big League Chew" clan, so check us out, and we abandoned our other clan cuz we sucked when we started out, so we had a rating of only 8. Now, we're gonna rock so CHECK US OUT!!!

[zewone]

Holy old ass topic batman! Nice 1st post. :roll:

[coolbrys]

Wow, very old, but at least I can post one of my favorite quotes. I might have the ladies name wrong but that doesnt matter in the joke.

*Flashback to Star Wars, Luke giving laser eye surgery*
Luke: Okay, Mrs. Johnson, just one quick insision and we'll be done here.

Obi-Wan: Luke, use the Force.

Luke: But Obi...

Obi: Luke, Luke, use the Force.

Luke: Ah, alright. *uses the Force and proceeds to drive the lightsaber through Mrs. Johnson's head*

Mrs. Johnson: Ahhhhhh!!!! *with lightsaber through head*

Luke: Are you happy now??!?

Obi: I've never been happy.

You have to actually hear it for it to be really funny but its an awesome little scene.... along with the :Im not really a man... im a horse" one.

[fieldkillah]

I know this one has been said, but just look at my quote.

[Scorch]

"Brian! Brian! There's a message in my ceral! It says "oooooooooooooo"!"

"Peter, those are cheerios."

[guardian_owl]

"Brian! Brian! There's a message in my ceral! It says "oooooooooooooo"!"

"Peter, those are cheerios."
GET OUT OF MY HEAD! This is quite literally what I was just about to post