Will my move to Arizona really change anything??
By the_grimace 10-04-2009 07:58 PM
To say the least, ever since I got done with high school, my lifestyle has been spiraling downhill. Why you ask?
- I lost my passion for working out and eating healthy
- All my really close friends scattered across the country for college
- I dropped a lot of hobbies i did, some of which i was VERY good at.
- Went to college and hated every second since i never went for what i wanted to go for originally.
- Never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl
- Commuted to college those 3 years, and really never made any new friends
- Am 22, and still live with my annoying parents.
I've always said that once i moved, everything would change. I would make new friends, start hanging out again, and find a girlfriend! There were several aspects of my life i seriously convinced myself were only lacking because of my current situation. The magic drug was moving away, far away...
Now, as posted in one of my last blogs, i finally decided to quit going to school for something i hate, and i've finally put myself on the right track, going to a technical school in Arizona to pursue my passions. Music, more specifically, game audio. I feel absolutely great about my decision, and the location i choose to move to. (i hate the cold...) As i said in that last blog, for the first time since highschool, did i really feel good about where i was heading with my life. It was a calming, very at ease feeling, and i knew this was what i was meant to do from the start.
But now with the move only a mere 2-3 months away, while i have tackled my education issues, i really have begun to wonder if moving is actually the solution to the other myriad of problems i keep locked in the closet. Can my life change that drastically from a simple move and living by myself?
Really, the main 3 problems i have here now at home are
1. No girlfriend, never had a girlfriend, never kissed, etc... its sad at 22.
2. No friends since highschool
3. Education and where im going with my life.
As i said, the education problem has been solved, thank god, and it feels great, but i have led myself to believe that moving would solve the other 2 as well.... I felt if i could get these 2 aspects of my life in order, everything would be amazing. But is it as simple as i thought? Let's take a more in depth look at them.
No Friends since High School:
This was a sad realization that occurred to me only a few weeks ago. Through grade school, i always had a small, but very close knit group of friends. Once I got into highschool, people really liked my personality, and i found people asking ME to hang out. By my junior year, i had a good 60 kids who i could go hang out with and have a great time with, and had about 10 really close friends.
After highschool graduation though, everyone left and scattered to go to colleges all across the country. I had wanted to do this too, but as i said, i never ended up doing what i wanted to do out of highschool because of disapproval of my family, and ignorance on the field from my high school counselors. Thus, i stayed local, and was pretty much the only one my group of friends that did.
All i had known was yanked away from me within a week, leaving me the majority of the year idling around by myself... Why didnt i make new friends you ask? Well, i commuted to 2 different colleges, and as any commuter will tell you, there is really a big social disconnect for commuters. The students living on or around campus form clicks, and commuters are like loners. I mean, it makes sense, as the people in the dorms are around each other all the time, and commuters usually are bumping around from class to class, finding a spare bench, then driving home. I wrote more in detail about why commuters have a hard time making friends in a previous blog, but for those that didn't read it, just take my word that it is very hard... Your just not around or available enough to make good friends. Sure i made aqquaintances, but not anyone i felt i could talk to, and the most we would do is hang around for a few minutes and small talk.
I started to realize though how absolutely sad it was that I didnt have friends. I mean, honestly right now, aside from high school buddies when they visit the area, i don't have anyone to hang out with or talk to. I have a good sized group of internet friends, and they are fun to talk to, but it's nothing like having the real thing to talk to in person.
Its been 4 years since i got out of high school, and i've spent them pretty much as a loner. I'm not socially isolated by any means, and i have made tons of aqquaintances, and have no problem small talking with anyone, but as far as a bud to hang out with, go out at night, or just chill at a house, its been non existant.
Lack of ANY girlfriend, EVER. 22 year old virgin here.... :(
I wrote a blog on my virginity awhile ago, saying how it kinda bothered me. I also posted the story a few other places, and was surprised by a generally positive response to being a virgin. It seems if i ever mentioned it to people i knew, it kinda caused a negative opinion of me, but people from the net admired it.
Regardless, IT BOTHERS ME STILL. especially as im 22 now, not 21 anymore!!!
Christ, its not even the sex part (more on this soon) but i just want a girlfriend. To be honest, i was one of those guys growing up that never wanted a girlfriend. Saw too many friends get ruined or used badly by women, and the freedom and independence of being single rocked. But that didnt mean i was looking to isolate myself from women entirely.
I had a few casual dates in highschool, and a handful of very close female friends, but i've never had an actual girlfriend, never kissed a girl, or anything... It's depressing. I sometimes think i only became that "i dont want a girlfriend" guy just because i wasn't having luck with it.
In highschool, I used to be very overweight, and had 0 confidence. I was also extremely shy, and i believe this to be why i had trouble with girls. Once i lost a lot of weight, got in really good shape, my self esteem and confidence sky rocketed, but yet i had trouble with girls.
It was right after highschool i got in good shape, and my self esteem was building. Obviously, it wasnt enough as my shyness still lingered around, (though now, i would say its almost non existant) i found myself too nervous to talk to a lot of girls originally, and once i got rid of my shyness around 20 years old, i started my bad luck streak of asking out taken girls. Think i mentioned this before, but as of right now, i'm currently on 9 girls in a row i asked out, but they had boyfriends, somehow never making this clear at all, as i often spent a lot of time chatting with them first, and they never brought their boyfriends up. It wasnt an excuse either, as i would actually see them with their boyfriend, after i asked them out!
The ninth girl was back in June, which was when i said, it, I'm waiting to i'm moving to start this again.
The real issue here is why i'm still the guy who never had a girlfriend. Granted it took me a few years to lose the shyness i had my whole younger life, but once i did, i was approaching a lot of girls. Like i said, all nine had boyfriends. Its odd really, i'm not bad looking, in decent shape, fun and friendly, and people always tell me they like to hang out with me. I'm not conceited either, (even if i just did boast a little there). Im a very humbe and down to earth guy.
To be completely honest, I get VERY upset anymore when i see some cute girl with a guy, and they are having a ton of fun. It's something i want to experience so badly, that love, it feels like a hole in my life.
Though, in the end, it probably is my fault, as i never really went out, and the only girls i approached were ones from school, or from places i saw them several times, like my work or their work.
But alas i said, moving will change this all!
How did i think moving will change everything??
Moving was the answer to all my question. I said our area was boring, there was nothing to do, and living at home with mom and dad was destroying any chance i had.
I said i would make new friends at school since i would be living local. I would make good friends at places like the gym or bowling when at home they were only aqquaintances. I would somehow lose my inhibitions i had living with mom and dad. My "new" friends would have me going out more, socializing more, with all of it it would only be a matter of time before i found a girlfriend. One thing would lead to another. I would start hanging out again, getting laid, and enjoying my life and my hobbies.
I started to wonder though... "really now???" I said to myself, as the reality of the situation doesnt make much sense. It's like if somehow, all the stuff i had the chance to do locally, will now magically happen just because i moved away!
Looking back over the years, it kinda feels as if this whole time, i've been restricting myself to an isolated life. Like i have caused all my problems. Choosing to leave college instead of walking around for an hour, using my friday night for an online gaming spree, and all this convincing of things would be better when i moved. It's kinda ironic...
I still want to believe that everything will change when i move, but considering what i just said last paragraph, considering it could be my fault all the time, will moving really make any differences? Sure, maybe it might lower my inhibitions since im in a new area, living all by myself, but is that enough for the changes im looking for?
Regardless, I'm looking to make things change no matter what. The move is only 2 1/2 months away, and i'm expecting my life to make a huge change for the better, especially in the girl department.
Wish me luck, and any advice you have is much appreciated. I'll make sure to keep you guys updated when i move, but that's still quite far away, and i'm sure they will be many blogs in between. Thanks for reading everyone!
|Comments (Total Comments: 25)|
|the_grimace - 10-05-2009, 07:02 PM|
|snakelda - 10-06-2009, 04:19 PM|
|Shiroh30 - 10-23-2009, 07:10 PM|
|cardo - 10-26-2009, 05:18 PM|
|Shiroh30 - 11-07-2009, 03:47 PM|
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