[SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Hey guys, Ive got some real funnies ones for you today.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Its a lil long but hope you enjoy.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]And I have Extra Funnies Today.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]:lol::lol::lol:[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

[B][SIZE=6][FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]1. Thoughts We've All Thought[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/B]

[B][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#ffffff]How many of these have you thought.[/COLOR][/FONT][/B]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.[/COLOR][/FONT]


[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-There is a great need for sarcasm font.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers![/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- Bad decisions make good stories[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do![/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[B][SIZE=6][FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]2. Embarrassing Medical Exams[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/B]


[SPOILER]
[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!'[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.[/COLOR][/FONT]


[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'[/COLOR][/FONT]


[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?'[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I c can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied[/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white].[/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'[/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'[/COLOR][/FONT]
[/SPOILER]

[B][SIZE=6][FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]3. The Poker Player[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/B]
[SPOILER]
[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sandra, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sandra told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sandra the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]With a lump in her throat Sandra answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Sandra, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Now THAT, my friends, is quite a poker player![/COLOR][/FONT]
[/SPOILER]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Hope I brought some laughter to your day.[/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Don't forget to tell your friends.[/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]Have a funny day:lol:[/COLOR][/FONT]