My Funnies !!!
By adriley313 12-19-2009 10:12 AM
[COLOR=White]Hi. Funnies 4 U.
[/COLOR][SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]How To Give Your Parents Gray Hair[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
[/COLOR] [COLOR=White]Just a reminder........[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Why Parents Have Gray Hair[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it![/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Your son, Chad[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home![/COLOR]
[/COLOR][SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]Ultimate Proof Of Stupidity[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
Proof that humanity will die off, not because of war or plague or Armageddon, but because of one thing: Stupidity. THESE ARE TRUE LAWSUITS... YOU CAN LOOK THEM UP IF YOU WISH!
TOP TEN STUPID-A** LAWSUITS!
10) DUDE, THAT WAS MY CHANCE TO HANG 10.... A surfer recently sued another surfer for "taking his wave." The case was ultimately dismissed because they were unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by watching someone ride the wave that was "intended for you."
9)DYING FOR A COKE... Sometimes, being frugal can cost you more than anticipated. While apparently trying to steal a soft drink from a vending machine in 1998, 19-year-old Kevin Mackle was rocking it dangerously. Suddenly, the weight shift was too hot to handle and the contraption fell on him. The man died following the accident. His relatives sued Coca-Cola Co., two other companies, and Bishop's University in Lennoxville, Quebec (for about $660,000 US in damages and funeral costs) alleging that the machine was not secured and bore no warning signs.
8) A COSTLY BREAK-UP A jury awarded $178,000 in damages to a woman who sued her former fiance' for breaking their seven-week engagement. The breakdown: $93,000 for pain & suffering; $60,000 for loss of income from her legal practice, and $25,000 for psychiatric counseling expenses.
7) KILLER BIOGRAPHY A writer was sued for $60 million dollars after writing a book about a convicted Orange County serial killer. Although the inmate is on death row, he claimed that he was innocent in all 16 murders, so the characterization of him as a serial killer was false, misleading and "defamed his good name". In addition, he claimed those falsehoods would cause him to be "shunned by society and unable to find decent employment" once he returned to private life. The case was thrown out in a record 46 seconds, but only after $30,000 in legal fees were incurred by the writer's publisher.
6) WATER-PROOF SEATBELT This one is sad because it involves the drowning of a Honda. This drunk girl drove into Galveston Bay in Texas. Her friend got out alive but the drunk driver was too drunk to unfasten her seatbelt. So she died. So naturally, her parents sued Honda for manufacturing a seat belt that cannot be easily unbuckled by a drunk driver who is under water.
5) I PREDICT SUNNY WITH A CHANCE OF STUPIDITY.... A woman in Israel is suing a TV station and its weatherman for $1,000 after he predicted a sunny day and it rained. The woman claims the forecast caused her to leave home lightly dressed. As a result, she caught the flu, missed 4 days of work, spent $38 on medication and suffered stress.
4) BEER CHICKS (not included with purchase of beer) A man sued Anheuser-Busch for $10,000. Why? False advertising. Dude claimed that unlike their beer commercials would suggest, drinking their brand of beer did not cause bikini girls to suddenly break into a volleyball game and invite him back to their hotel room. Yes, this lawsuit was actually filed in a court of law.
THE TOP 3....oooooh This is getting exciting.....
3) TURNED GAY AFTER REAR-END COLLISION A 27-year-old man from Michigan was involved in a rear-end collision. Four years later, he sued the owners of the truck that was responsible for the accident. Having suffered minor injuries, he stated that from then on, his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated, as he was unable to maintain their sex life. He claimed that he had been so affected by the crash that his personality had been forever changed. In fact, he maintained that the accident turned him into a homosexual. He left his wife, moved in with his parents, began hanging out in gay bars, and became a fervent reader of gay literature. He won his case and was awarded $200,000, while his wife received $25,000.
2) OVERSTUFFED (with bullshit) A couple is suing Wal-Mart for injuries they claim were caused by canned goods and condiments that tumbled from an overfilled plastic grocery bag.
The bag broke when the couple, Ronald and Brenda Sager, were unloading their groceries at home. Brenda suffered “cracked and damaged toenails” and also claims to have a broken foot and ligament damage from the incident.
Brenda is suing Wal-Mart for $30,000.
Ronald also decided to get in the game, and he’s suing them for an additional $30,000 because “during Brenda’s healing process, he was deprived of her comfort and her attention.”
AND #1 is... MICHAEL J. look a like. A man’s suing Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for a combined $832 million. I almost died when I heard about this ludicrous lawsuit: “I’m constantly being accused of looking like Michael and it makes it very uncomfortable for me,” said Heckard. Heckard is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering. He’s suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the most recognized men in the world. “Even when I go to the gym I’m being accused of playing ball like him (Jordan), said Heckard.”
Now I have THE WORLDS SMARTEST STUPID LAWSUIT.... enjoy...
BONUS: YOUR HONOR, I BLAME MYSELF... I'll SUE MYSELF TOO!...
An inmate filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself (he claimed that he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested) -- then asked the state to pay because he has no income in jail. He said, "I want to pay myself $5 million dollars, but ask the state to pay it on my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state." The judge was not impressed by his ingenuity, and dismissed the suit as frivolous.
Well I hope you enjoyed seeing how stupid we have become. Now if you excuse me I have to sue McDonalds because their Big Macs made me fat!
[/COLOR][SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]RULE BOOK FOR GUYS[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
Rules from men to women:
Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports . It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing, We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .
Don't ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Rules from men to men:
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
11. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
12. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
14. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
15. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
16. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
If you're a guy: You will laugh a little and realize how true this is!
If you're a woman: Laugh and roll your eyes at our stupidity!
[/COLOR][SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]The First Grader[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
[/COLOR][COLOR=White]A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry after a moment says: "Legs."[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets."[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T and is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry : Bubblegum[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer; Harry: Shake hands[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: Fire truck[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT COULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
[B][SIZE=6]Mental Hospital Quiz[/SIZE][/B]
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
[/COLOR][SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]The Math Teacher, The Priest, The Solider[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
A priest, a math teacher, and a soldier all got on the plane.
The math teacher took out his math book to plan his next lesson, and it fell out the window.
The priest took out to bible to pray, and it fell out the window.
The soldier took out a grenade in memory of his grandfather, and it fell out the window.
They all got off the plane.
The math teacher found a girl crying on the sidewalk. The math teacher asks, "Why are you crying?" The little girl says, "A math book fell from the sky and hit me on the head!" The math teacher walked away.
The priest found a little boy crying on his lawn. The priest asked, "Why are you crying?" The little boy said, "A bible fell out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The priest walked away.
The soldier found a boy on the street laughing his head off. The soldier asks, "Why are you laughing so hard?" The little boy said," I farted and that house blew up!!!!"
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
[/COLOR] [COLOR=White]A man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time."[/COLOR]
[COLOR=White]The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"[/COLOR]
Hope you laughed.
Tell your friends.
Follow me on Twitter, same name for Daily Funnies.:bouncy:
|Comments (Total Comments: 11)|
|LittleWildman - 12-19-2009, 10:43 AM|
|haloman21 - 12-19-2009, 11:47 AM|
|gamererik - 12-19-2009, 12:36 PM|
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|cdietschrun - 12-19-2009, 03:43 PM|
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|DarthPuma - 12-19-2009, 06:06 PM|
|Indignate - 12-19-2009, 06:14 PM|
|the_punisher - 12-19-2009, 11:40 PM|
|drekzeron - 12-20-2009, 01:45 AM|
|buttmunky - 12-22-2009, 12:37 AM|
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