My Funnies !!!
By adriley313 12-28-2009 10:13 AM
[/COLOR] [SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]Top 50 Rejected Kids Books[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
1. You are Different and That’s Bad
2. Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me
3. Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It" Book:
6. A Children's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. How to Kick Ass At School
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. Adoption: A Fresh Start
13. Grandpa's new Casket
14. Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. Why You Were An Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes Froggy, And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
24. A Child's Guide to Final Arrangments
25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!
31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
33. You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid
34. Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
35. Bullies Have More Fun
36. Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love
37. Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
39. Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place
40. Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer
41. I Am My Own Grandpa
42. Who’s My Daddy?
43. Fatherhood: A Guide for the Adolescent
44. Small Objects and Electrical Outlets
45. Different Daddies Each Day of the Week
46. Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911-A1 .45 ACP
47. Little Hands, Big Toasters
48. How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet
49. Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You
50. Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink
The Rectum Stretcher[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00 Court Costs: $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!!
[/COLOR] [SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]Toothbrush Sales[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
There is a toothbrush company. It has three workers. When the boss comes to ask them how many toothbrushes they sold, the first worker said that he sold 500 toothbrushes. The second worker said that he sold 550 toothbrushes. The third worker said that he sold 25 toothbrushes. The boss says "Im sorry, thats not enough. Your fired." The worker asks for one more chance. The boss says "Fine, I will give you one more chance." The third worker says thank you and leaves. The next day the boss comes back to ask how many toothbrushes they sold. The first worker says that he sold 600 toothbrushes. The second worker said that he sold 750 toothbrushes. The third worker said that he sold 50 toothbrushes. The boss says "Im sorry, thats not enough. Your fired." The worker asks for one more chance. The boss says "Fine, I will give you one more chance." The next day the boss comes back to ask how many toothbrushes they sold. The first worker said that he sold 650 toothbrushes. The second worker said that he sold 800 toothbrushes. The third worker said that he sold 1000 toothbrushes. The boss says "How did you sell so many toothbrushes!" The third worker says "Well i went to the airport and put up a sign that said free brownies. When they tasted them they would say 'YUCK! This tastes like shit!' Then I would say 'It is. Want to buy a toothbrush?"
[/COLOR] [SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]Riddle For The Day[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The answer is:[SPOILER] "A Last Name."
You didn't think I'd tell you a dirty joke, did you?
[/COLOR] [SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]The Egg Joke[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
WHAT DID THE EGG SAY TO THE POT OF BOILING WATER?
IT WILL TAKE A WHILE TO GET ME HARD I JUST GOT LAID BY SOME CHICK!
[/COLOR] [SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]The Old Sausage Trick[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
There were two gay guys who found out a way to get free beer. One guy would hide a sausage in his pants while the other guy would pretend to suck on it when they had to pay for the beer.
So they go to the first bar and have a couple of drinks, until they had to pay for them, so one of the men started to suck on the sausage and they were kicked out without having to pay for the beers.
So they did this for the rest of the night. when it was getting close to one AM the guy who had to suck on the sausage said. " Hey why don't i hide the sausage in my pants while you suck on it?" to which the second gay guy said. " Oh i lost that a few hours ago!"
[/COLOR] [SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]Crowbars and Rednecks[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
A redneck is sitting in a bar drinking minding his own business when a large asian man goes over to him and knocks him off his chair. He then tells the redneck, " That was a karate chop from Korea." The redneck is mad but he gets up and goes back to drinking. All of a sudden the asian man knocks him over again and says, " That was a judo chop from Korea." The redneck is real mad now so he leaves and comes back an hour later. He goes over to the asian man and knocks him off the stool knocking him out cold. He turns at the bartender and says, " When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart."
[/COLOR] [SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]Lil In Love[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week That's about 60 bucks a Month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up With something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
[/COLOR] [SIZE=6][COLOR=White][B]A Brazilian[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=White]
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing
"That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"... So how many is a Brazilian?"
Hey guy. Hope you laughed.
Soon Im doing a new series on shirts.
Stay tuned. If any CAGs know how to edit pictures please PM me.
Thx a bunch:bouncy:[/COLOR]
|Comments (Total Comments: 10)|
|Whambamm - 12-28-2009, 11:38 AM|
|Wingwright - 12-28-2009, 01:14 PM|
|drekzeron - 12-28-2009, 01:53 PM|
|LittleWildman - 12-28-2009, 04:54 PM|
|mission42 - 12-28-2009, 06:28 PM|
|haloman21 - 12-28-2009, 06:51 PM|
|gamererik - 12-28-2009, 09:48 PM|
|Hybrid5006 - 12-28-2009, 11:55 PM|
|Jaanus147 - 12-29-2009, 08:26 AM|
|adriley313 - 01-03-2010, 08:28 AM|
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