Alright I've recently been put in an odd situation. Since no one I know reads CAG I think I feel confident that this query won't get back to the girl. So I've decided to forgo my normally standard rules of keeping my personal life in the meatspace, and come to CAG for some feedback. Let me apologize if I seem rambling. I'll try to proof read this before I post it but no promises. Turns out that repressed memory stuff you hear about is kinda real so my order of op may have some small holes but I got the major portions, burned in.
P.S. Apologies to the Google Reader folks I know how annoying non-standard colors can be on white background.
The Past (4¶)
I guess the easiest place to start is with the girl. We were together for a fairly long time. Little over five years. Overall our relationship was pretty smooth like butter. I don't mean to imply that we never fought or grossed each other out or anything, but for the most part we were pretty darn good. We were pretty compatible physically, mentally, all that stuff. Even the reason we separated wasn't so much anything in our relationship directly but my family. Long story shortened, they got it in their heads that they didn't really approve of her. I'll even take the extremely presumptuous action of suggesting they kinda think I could do better.
I don't have any particular gripe with my family not approving a girl. Who knows maybe they're right, I have no problem with offered advice or criticism. Boys in my family are kinda rare. Not genetically just statistically I only have one boy cousin on each side. The criticizing only became a problem when my Mom and sister began to take their objections to my girl without me. Whatever their beef with her, she is a nice girl and didn't deserve that. One of my top 5 regrets in life is that I didn't take more appropriate steps to prevent them from doing that. It got bad enough that we broke up. Little bit of time, little bit of healing and we were on speaking terms and all that jazz before she moved back home Ga -> Fl sometime in mid-Summer I think.
In my top 5 most depressive moments was when she moved back home because I never really made up for allowing my Mom to verbally assault her like girl was her daughter. Anyway, life goes on we're still talking and she eventually meets a guy. I think he proposed that very Winter because I'm pretty sure I was at a holiday event when she told me. I don't remember how exactly we got to the point but it was sometime later she told me we couldn't talk anymore. It wasn't right away but the incidents between are either lost or her business.
It sucked but she was getting on with her life and presumably approaching happiness so as much as I would have wished otherwise I actually didn't begrudge her decision. It's kinda like one of those cheesy "I just want you to be happy" lines in a romantic comedy. Only in real life, it's not so much heartwarming or even cheesy. Its just kinda disconcerting. Like someone swapped out parts of your personality and you didn't know until then. Imagine you hear Miley Cyrus in concert one day and suddenly you realize you like her music. So sure you would hate it but there you are bobbing you head to "Best of Both Worlds"
The Present (5¶)
That was the past, I think that'll be about 3 years ago this Winter. I'm odd, like I suppose all of us internet nerds are, so after that fairly bad bout of depression, I kinda just went on with my life the way I do. Which is to say I just sorta turn off the aspects of my self that I'm not using and go about my day. Or I started to until they found this tumor in my brain. I suppose to be more specific it was a pituitary adenoma. Since I'm Canadian and I was having trouble getting health insurance in the US anyway, it was kinda decided that I might as well return to the land of my birth and get this thing taken care of. That was two years ago this November I believe.
First it wasn't determined to be .. emergency type serious so I kinda had to wait. Since I wasn't too concerned and patience is one of my personality traits I waited a bit too long. Then there were post op complications. I suppose I can do another post on that topic since it's kinda off-topic, but basically I came up for a few months and I've been here ever since.
4-5 weeks ago I got an e-mail from girl asking me to call her. Few e-mails could have been more unexpected, since based on stuff from her MySpace blog i kinda thought she resented me. Mostly because she said so. Anyway I called her turns out she heard about my tumor which is fairly impressive considering how many people I haven't even told about it, and yet inevitable considering how many people my sisters tell about it. Anyway to make her side of the story short she's separated, pending divorce papers, and joined the Army. Apparently shes pleased on both fronts. She even suggested she feels like she's aging in reverse because she's looking and feeling better than ever before.
Reconnecting with someone who was my best friend (on top of all the other stuff) is of course wicked awesome. She apologized for asking me not to call her again and all that jazz. Since she's in the Army it's easier to text and a few days later she sorta drops a bomb on me.
Apparently I was the best she ever had, by far. When we were together our sex life was good. To put it mildly I had a good time, she had a good time fun times all around. I don't spy or pry into peoples personal correspondence on purpose but sometimes people don't realize what i can see and i don't forget information easily. So if she had told me I was the biggest she had ever seen in meatspace or video I might have been skeptical, but in this I believe her since she says she isn't lying. I can recall at least 3 very specific occasions of overhearing or overseeing her query and or brag about us to her friends.
After her admission, I confessed how much her leaving kinda broke me for a while. I got the impression that she felt a little better knowing that i wasn't going to laugh at her or hate her or whatever. The next thing I know I'm in a sextual relationship with her. Which is not terrible because I enjoy the nerdy feeling I get when I type out 200 characters or so very quickily on my phone. I doubt anyone could ID my phone. It's that low on the geek scale but still it's a nice tingle. That and the fact that I still kinda love this girl that's also a bonus. She's also very very pleased with how hot she looks so I keep getting reminded of that. I kinda have a weakness for seeing girls happy and she's one of my favourite girls so I get to double dip in that as well.
The Query (2¶)
She gets out of basic in a few weeks and she says she wants to see me, though I suppose seeing wasn't really the operative word in the idea. Which means among other things I need to find a way to get back to the US. She's basically indicated that since she's never gotten high like when she got high on me that she would like another dosage (if i can use a drug metaphor as a euphemism). What we haven't discussed explicitly is what happens after. I don't know if she's looking for a single hit or if she's expecting a steady supply. In the case of the latter I don't know if she wants me as a sole supplier or just the starting player(if I can now mix my metaphors).
Because of the whole brain tumor thing I've been in limbo. Couldn't really work or go to school or much of anything but patiently wait so my situation is pretty much like it was not long after we broke up. I'm not even sure which instance I would prefer. I'm pretty sure I'm still in love with her, but I'm reasonably sure my family isn't. Not that I would allow them to repeat the past. I'm not even sure how much I'm willing to let my family's influence to matter to me anymore. How long can you even maintain a relationship based purely on sex anyway?If she is just looking to use me for my body/talents, how likely is it that a girl would be able to tell that you're too into her?