By Oaxan 06-30-2011 03:48 AM
Updated by Oaxan 07-01-2011 03:11 AM
My normal blog is down, so I'll just leave this here for the time being.
I'm the one that mostly reviews old games and makes completely unfunny jokes with little actual reviewing.
Feel free to ignore, rage, be confused or otherwise.
Lo and behold, for the laziest and least known game reviewer on the net is back again after a long ass time of monotony and mayhem to review another classic must-play Nintendork game.
LEGEND OF ZELDA: THE WIND WAKER
Let me start off by saying, YOU! You totally forgot this blog existed, didn't you!? Some loyal fans you lot are, ERS, ALL A YA'LL. Anyway, I've made it a point to start playing through my 40+ backlog in between games of LoL and Uncharted 2 Co-Op. Back to the topic at hand...
I must say, I wasn't as impressed with WW as I thought I would be. Even though it's been quite some time since I started playing, I hadn't forgotten the controls altogether but I did forget what the hell my next objective was.
As I started a new save file, I began to daydream about the glorious Ocarina of Time that I had completed the previous year. My mind wandered to and fro 'tween riding Empona an rekilling redeads, which just so happen to have been one of the few things about OoT that seemed out of place, but that's for another review, another place and another day. Continuing, I set out from outset island after completing the grudgingly grueling task of completing the tutorials and rescuing the not-so fair piratish maiden hanging from her cell-shaded britches in a rather conveniently placed tree limb in the middle of the goddamn forest in the middle of the goddamn island in the middle of the goddamn ocean in the middle of goddamn Hyrule. Needless to say, there's an ocean.
It is big. it is daunting. it is rectangular. I found myself spending more time traveling from island to island than actually playing the game, even after collecting the Ballad of Gales I had to go from rock to rock, feed all the ing fish near every ambiguous spit of land in a 7 x 7 world that literally took 5 hours to completely fill in even with the help of my shiny winged conductor's baton that was given to me by a talking BOAT.
At least it's original, so no complaints there.... Moving on.
Well ain't this about a bitch? 8 shards scattered throughout the overly moist world, 1 player, 0 patience.
I cheated, honest to god I couldn't do on my own. I had to use an FAQ to find a ing map to a GOLDEN ING SLIVER. I feel used, dirtied and betrayed by my own inner soloist. The last thing I remember before blacking out and sleeping for 5 hours right after hauling up the final sunken shard from the depths of Noah's Flood 2.0 was ripping out my Gameboy equipped with a very snazzy Tingle Tuner and screaming at the top of my lungs; "YOU WANT MORE MONEY, TINGLE!? EAT MY SHINY GREEN SHIT" followed by insane laughter directly into my red handheld and thus proceeded to gnaw in my elbow.
Half a day later, I wake up with a slightly swollen joint etched with bite marks and the incredible desire to kick an anemic puppy. Afterwards, I diligently saved my game, played some Super Mario Brothers 3 on my verbally abused Gameboy, came back to my Gamecube and headed directly for my next goal.
Skipping ahead, I hated Puppet Ganon with a fiery passion known only to those who've attempted to play Final Fantasy IV DS blindfolded while simultaneously reciting every line of the first two Star Wars movies
with no prior practice. The final boss was easy and pathetic.
The game wrapped up beautifully and perfectly, though I couldn't enjoy it much as others due to my desire to judge and be a total ing asshole from time to time.
Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker - 7/10
I need to sit down and write longer reviews, it's pathetic how little I actually say...