I've never posted a blog post anywhere before but I feel I need to vent just because I've had such a crappy day. It just feels like the last 2 or so years so much stuff that nobody can control has happened.

About 18 months ago my mom went to the doctor for some gallbladder pain and it turns on to be neuroendocrine cancer. Knocked the wind out of everyone. Healthy woman in mid-50's now has cancer and a bunch of lesions on the liver, etc. After going through all the emotional ups and downs of this things are kind of regulated with monthly scans, shots, etc., but she is dealing with depression.

Around July it was noticed my dad had an irregular heart beat so they put him on some meds so they could shock him and fix it. The meds can cause you to bleed easily so after seeing some blood in his urine it was decided he had kidney stones. They go in there to check for stones and there is a gigantic tumor. Have to remove the organ ASAP. The ups and downs of all this happen, but the organ is out, he feels good, and the scans show that nothing spread. We dodged the proverbial bullet.

A week ago my mother started having pain in her side, go back in to the doctor's it looks like some of the lesions have grown and are causing pain. Have to now step up the treatment with some clinical trial drug. Going through all the emotions of it now popping back up after it seemed it seemed like emotionally it was under control.

Then finally today, dad has to get a biopsy down ASAP because of multiple funky lymph nodes. Doctor went down the throat and biopsied it and after checking it right then finds that the kidney cancer had decided to spread around. So the bullet that we thought we missed back this summer was instead a direct hit. Went from thank god we got that out and nothing spread, to it spread and the prognosis is not good.

Now we are back in that shock and awe stage. A man in his early 60's who works physically demanding job and feels perfectly fine has stage 4 cancer. So everyone is stunned. The elephant in the room is also that one of my dad's brothers has terminal lung cancer and pretty much is on his way out. Everybody is thinking about is what he is going through in the immediate future.

It just feels like life has been really kicking the crap out of my family recently for the last two years. Every time a little bit of good stuff happens it is immediately brought down by something else. I get a good job offer in an awesome place but then I have to turn it down because we find out my mom's stuff. Sister is getting married, but 8 weeks before we need to immediately remove that tumor filled kidney. Just two weeks ago I had interview with a company out on the west coast that seems real interested that I was hoping will extend me an offer and all this happens.

I try to be so super positive and optimistic in front of the rest of my family, but once I'm back in my apartment by myself I'm banging my head of the walls. I'm also extremely jealous of certain friends and some relatives. Their family is fine and they are all free. No worries. Some of them go off traveling, others are going off to grad school and not a care in the world. Instead we all faced with more and more doctors, surgeons, oncologists, appointments, chemo, clinical trials, etc.

I have no idea where I will be now in a few months. I had just finished off sending some grad school applications and was planning on going back to school if I didn't get this job I had been in the process of interviewing for over the last 3 or so weeks (unless another awesome job popped up that I would've taken instead). Now I am dreading hearing back from the company since I'm sure this will be the exact moment they offer the job. My lease expires in 60 days and I was planning on just spending a few months off visiting people before grad school.

It looks like I will have to change gears and start looking for jobs that are close to my home and schools there (I live and work about 80 or 90 minutes from home).

I just can't believe the last few days everything that was the status quo got completely turned upside down. Mother's thing had "not progressed in any meaningful way" (which was the way it had been since diagnosis. Every single blood test and scan) and my dad had dodged the bullet until everything came crashing down the last 5 days. I'm numb to it now. It doesn't surprise me, just infuriates me and makes me wonder what is next.