Do you live in mind numbing fear of the bear of stress? I'm not one to predict "doom and gloom," but if you like being alive I would contact Keith Hafner right away.


(I swear to you that this is an actual, paid-to-be-put-in-a-newspaper ad)

Fellow CAGs, hear my call for advice. Is the PSP worth buying? Are there enough good games to waste $179-$199 on the purchase? I already have a DS and a Zune, so please keep your reasoning focused on exclusive games and not media capabilities. I would also be interested in the price of games and the frequency of drops/sales... the general cheapness of the system.

Dear Sid Meier:



Please, explain to me how in every ing civ game my tanks always get destroyed by defending archers. Assuming that the tanks are not made out of paper mache, this is impossible. I can not think of any situation where archers would defeat even a single tank, much less a unit of them. Even if the tanks had no ammunition it would be at best a draw. You've had more than four games and almost two decades to fix this. ing fix it already!

Usually, I stay away from commenting on the gaming industry because so many others already do it and, for the most part, do it far better than I could. I do want to give one comment about Nintendo though, especially after their demonstration of Wii music. Now I haven't seen an unedited video of the presentation, but Rusty from the UGO games blog posted this direct quote from Miyamoto:"All you have to do is hold the Wiimote and pretend like you’re playing an instrument.” Rusty goes on to report: "There’s no worrying about making mistakes." This is terrible and one of the things that is wrong with Nintendo today.

We've seen this before from Nintendo, in lesser forms in Mario Kart or Mario Party or most of the Mario Sports games. It is the philosophy that expanding accessibility requires lowering standards of competency. So, to win in Mario Kart you have to be a skilled racer or just get a lot of items that punish everyone who is doing better than you. This is...

My only concern is where the blood is going. After all, Something Awful (a leader in vileness awareness for years) published this:



When I showed this to the people doing the bloodletting, they looked at me like I was a heretic. "There's no such thing as vampires" they said. What do they take me for? Do they think they can convince me that something I found on the internet was untrue? After persisting in my inquires, one of them finally quipped "If there were Vampires, this would be the best method for them to get the essence which they require. Otherwise, people get hurt." I'll never forget the way she looked at me; a chilling combination of resolve and terror passed between us.

Soon came the prick of the needle and I felt the bag lying against my leg grow warm and heavy. As I left, the woman who had spoken to me earlier smiled. I saw...

Well, one free game anyway. But, first let me ask you some questions. Do you spend too much time on the internet? Perhaps in forums? Have you ever wished to battle said forums on the field of glory that is your desktop? Well then maybe you should check out http://www.forumwarz.com/.

When I say game, it's actually three, possibly four games in one. First, you have forumwarz itself, a single player RPG-lite game revolving around pwning different foumz on the internet. The battle takes place in the forum itself, with you insulting the posters in each thread until they give up and the thread dies. Do this to all the threads in a forum and you win. But the members fight back and if their gibes are too much, you die. This all revolves around an internet conspiracies story with a few sidetracks and is highly satirical (Something Lawful for example is a user created parody of Something Awful). Fun enough and pretty impressive given the fact that it is completely free and the quality...

I think the internet is for the free expression of ideas. My ideas, in fact. And only my ideas. I don't understand why when I say something, people are free to say things back. It's total bullshit. I'm sick of people pointing out that I don't know how to spell or use grammar. Can't they see the gift I'm giving them just by bothering to type out a message in the first place? Then, they complain that my opinions are ill informed and my facts are just plain wrong. But I read them on the internet, so how can that be? Don't be hatin! My quest for personal validation is as important a quest as any in human history. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr and I are essentially one in the same. Yeah, maybe he didn't post random one sentence thoughts on the internet as fast as he could think them, but he lived in the 19th century and probably didn't even have a computer. Plus, I'm why more busy pwnign noobs and thinking up acronyms that are longer than the words they replace. Speaking of, gtgbbl >.<*...

I recently went shopping. This was a mistake, but at least I'm getting an update out of it. While in the "ethnic" food aisle, I came across some fine British laxatives, which work wonders let me tell you. If you need to do some spring cleaning, Britain's got you covered. But, I digress. Below the laxatives, I found some candy which also came from the famed Isles of our former Royalty, who still rule our hearts. Their packaging was much more colourful* than the laxatives, which was part of the reason I ended up buying two of them. I shall now bring to you, dear reader, what I can only assume is the best the British candy industry can churn out. I have had Violet Crumble before, and I didn't take pictures of it nor did I enjoy it. That is why it is not being reviewed.

1. Nestle Lion
Packaging:

The Nestle Lion bar comes in an unattractive orange/red/yellow/poop brown wrapper with an angry male lion poised to rip you limb from limb. Check it...

Just wanted to pop in and wish the old girl well. Today is Americas 232nd Birthday, though to me she doesn't look a day over 196. I would still hit that. Indeed, out of all the countries in the world, America is the one with which I would prefer to have sexual intercourse with. Sure, she might be a little overbearing, a tad bit violent, and she has put on a lot of weight. And it's true, there are plenty of other states in the sea, many that are sexier, or smarter or more glamorous. China, though it has a few hygiene issues, has been looking like a younger America recently. But still, there is no denying that America lives in an enormous mansion stocked with every possible luxury and tended to by all the lesser nations. For that, I love her. Oh, and let's not forget her ass. For, when America walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face I get sprung. Truly, my anaconda don't want none unless it's America.

I've been meeting a lot of people lately (thank you new job), and I have to say that I'm disappointed in their internet knowledge. I mean, these people don't know about hulu or Donkey Shows or video game deals. (Ever notice how three examples always feels right when making a point? More on that in another post.) It's like they don't spend every waking moment on the internet. Well, good thing I'm around to point them over here. Who knows, maybe one will become the next CAG Hero.

First off, EA. Not only have they ruined football gaming with their odorous lockdown of every league worth a damn, but they also dropped the ball on a great game. Mass Effect for the PC is great, but it crashes all the time and the downloadable content promised for release still isn't out over four weeks later. Do we get an apology? Not from EA. Do we get an eta for the DC? Not from EA. Bastards. What's that? EA is releasing Battlefield Heroes (a fun homage to the original) for free sometime soon? I love you EA.