So I was going through my old blogs when I came across this one. It's a tale of a young man sharing the tale of his first date with a new lady. It's a long read but one that is well worth your time.

Not sure if this was an error with CAG or something but earlier today CAG Necrojustice posted a nice blog about a first date followed by a great response by CAG Crapasaurus. Just happened to still have it cached on my system so I took a screen capture of it and here you go...

After watching the Giant Bomb Quicklook of this game many months ago I couldn't wait to add this to my buddy's Gamefly queue. Low and behold the day is here. After months of waiting for what had to be the most requested game in Gamefly's history, I give you my buddy's timely review of...

Rogue Warrior
by Crapasaurus Rex

I recently had the pleasure of playing Rogue Warrior. Now a lot of people might claim that Rogue Warrior is just another poorly executed first person shooter. But those motherers.

Rogue Warrior transcends the modern shooter genre by securing an A-List Hollywood actor to voice the main character, Dick Marcinko. That's right - Academy ing Award Nominee, Golden Cocksucking Globe winning actor and all around Baddass, MICKEY MOTHERFUCKING ROURKE!

Rogue Warrior is set in the mid 1980s, with the Cold War still raging (as much as a cold war can rage). Dick is sent in to track down a North Korean...

So yeah I had given my buddy way to many half-way decent games to play from his gamefly queue so it was time again to give him what I thought would be a REALLY shitty game. Well, he has recently finished playing it however he had been posting his impressions throughout his time with this game so I will present them here for your reading pleasure.

Also, should you be interested this is a link to his blog.... http://crapasaurusongames.blogspot.c...f74301f21a1877

Deadly Premonitions - Gameplay
Oh, , it's a Japanese game with shitty graphics and shittier controls. Bets on how soon before a tentacle shows up?

For 's sake, it's another one of those "pick up everything because you may need it for a ridiculous puzzle" game. I just crashed my car, I'm being soaked by rain, I just found a freshly mutilated dog, and I follow a phantom into a shack. So what do I do? I pick up a can of pickles. you, Japan!
...

As you will see in my buddies review he completed this game months ago. Somehow I glanced over it however I suggest you not make the same mistake.

Also, please feel free to suggest other Xbox360 games for him to play. As you know, I control his Gamefly queue....

SUNDAY, JUNE 27, 2010
Darkest of Days - Review
My dearest Clementine,
I find myself out at the Battle of Antietam. The day is dark. I have but a Springfield Musket and a six-shooter. There is a lot of smoke, and I long for the day when I will return to my home and can court you properly. I can hear the musket fire and see the sky growing thick with smoke. The day is growing darker still. Oh, my darling, my tulip, I have so little hope that I will survive. But what hope I hold onto is that I will one day return to your arms. At least my weapons will reload without me. It is a strange technique they taught me when I signed up. I can discharge my musket, and then begin...

So yes, my buddy has gone on to review several games from Gamefly and I have not been great about reposting lately however when I read this one I nearly crapped myself. What follows are the lunatic rantings of a mad man who is reviewing a game before he even plays it based merely on the title. Enjoy...

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2010
Pimp My Ride - PreReview
I can't imagine being more excited about a game than I am about Pimp My Ride. I'm so thrilled that it's on its way from GameFly that I'm going to review it before I play it; that's how sure I am that this game is going to be awesome. I'll add an edit at the end if I need to correct any part of this review (not that I expect it to happen).

Every so often a game comes along that challenges gaming conventions and puts a whole new spin on the entire game genre in which it resides. Pimp My Ride is one of those games. I can't even accurately describe what it is; it's a simulation-design-racing-fighting...

So whatever...I hate you.....Now read my buddies timely review of Alpha Protocol.

Alpha Protocol - Review
My most recent game is Alpha Protocol, which puts you in the character of Michael Thorton, a new recruit to an ultra-clandestine government spy agency. You are tasked with track down some highly technical missiles used by a terrorist organization to blow up a plane, and to find out how the terrorists got the missiles in the first place. It's an RPG, allowing you to tailor your character to your gameplay style; you can go in guns blazing; you can skulk around, or something in between. The long and short of it is that Alpha Protocol is a 3rd person spy-shooter RPG with good gameplay, a surprisingly complex story and cast of characters, and a name so stupid it hurts the entire genre.
I had a good time playing Alpha Protocol. I didn't expect much from this game, having not read any reviews or heard much about it at all. But I've never found a spy game...

So, instead of forcing my buddy to play more shitty games from his gamefly queue I loaned him Singularity which I enjoyed a good amount. He was hesitant to write a review because he didn't rent it but I was able to convince him and because of that we all have this little gem.

Singularity - Review
Singularity was not a game I was that excited about playing. The same company had put out Wolfenstein, and that game sucked the turds out of a donkey's ass. But my friend who loaned it to me was very positive about the game, so what are you going to do?

I was pleasantly surprised with Singularity. It doesn't really break new ground, which is a complaint that a lot of people make about games. Frankly, I never really understood it. Wolfenstein (the REALLY old one, not the newest piece of crap) broke new ground with the effective invention of the first person shooter. But pretty much after that, they're all effectively the same thing. Sure, the introduced...

I have kinda let myself slip when it comes to posting my buddies reviews and for that I apologize. Now, what I did not slip with was effing with my buddies Gamefly queue and moving Onechanbara to the top of the list. You will soon see that he was not pleased with me....

Onechanbara - Review
I knew when I decided that I'd play everything I could get from GameFly that I'd be playing shitty games. And I knew there would be some games that were so bad that I couldn't bear to spend the time to finish them. And I guessed a majority of those games would be Japanese. There's just something I can't get into with most of the Japanese games I've played. My buddy recently brought Onechanbara to the top of my queue because he had fallen a bit short on his monthly dick quota and decided to ratchet it up by forcing this game on me.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad is a game that I am finding it hard to describe. Terrible is up there with possible choices....

So after giving my buddy crap game after crap game to play and review it was time to give him something I was always a little curious about and heard was relatively good. So on with my buddy's timely review of...


Afro Samurai - Review
by Crapasaurus Rex
There is a God of Monologues, and his name is Samuel L. Jackson.

I had heard Afro Samurai was a good game, but beyond that and knowing that Samuel L. was a voice in the game, I had no idea what it was. I didn't know about the comics, or the cartoons, until after I was well into the game and SLJ told me there was a TV show. Sure, he broke the 4th wall, but who gives a ?

The story is about a samurai who was was given the unfortunate name "Afro" by his father. And he's out to find a pair of headbands that may or may not be magical, and also to avenge his father's death. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense why they'd focus on these headbands; vengeance...

I would sooner be shit on by a vomiting crack whore than play a God damned Cabela's game but I'll be damned if I won't make my buddy play one. He has been raised on MMORPGs so he has the ability to slog through crap for days on end convincing himself that he's having fun. No game could better recreate the feeling of being shit on by a vomiting crack whore than a Cabela's game so on we go.....

Cabela's Trophy Bucks - Review

I like first person shooter games, but I'm not as good at them as I would like to be. For a long time, I chalked it up to natural talent. But recently I've stumbled on another theory. I need to kill other game in first person shooters BEFORE I go out to hunt the most dangerous game. And so I added to my GameFly Queue every Cabela game I could get my hands on.



Cabela's Trophy Bucks is...

So after forcing my buddy to play through Monster Jam (yes, I'm a dick) I figured I would give him what I heard was a relatively decent game to play during his quest to play every Xbox 360 game he can get from Gamefly. That game is Saw and away we go...

Saw - Review
I liked the movie Saw. I moderately liked Saw 2. And then it went down from there (although I have not seen 3 or 6). I figured a movie tie-in game would be pretty lousy. Turns out, I was happily mistaken.

Saw is an enjoyable game. I think of it as a survival horror game. By throwing you into a dilapidated insane asylum, it sets up an atmosphere that is very thick. Unlike some games, it's not too dark (except for one small part that you don't even have to experience) and it relies more on visuals and sounds than leaving you blindly scrambling for a pinpoint of light.


When I played the demo, I was disappointed, because I thought it didn't make sense to have...

So, let the misery continue. As you probably know if you follow this review/blog my buddy has given me complete control over his Gamefly account. This means that I determine which games he gets next. What's awesome about this is that Monster Jam, yes the horrible monster truck game we have all seen countless times in the used crap corner of our local Gamestops, was available to rent and I'll be damned if he wasn't getting it as soon as possible. What follows if another great review of a shitty game from my buddy. So on we go with my buddy's timely review of...


Monster Jam - Review
Sunday, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! It's MONSTER JAM!!!! For one day only, enjoy FIVE FULL HOURS of car crushing, house smashing, engine roaring MONSTER TRUCK MADNESS!!!! MONSTER JAM!!!! MONSTER JAM!!! MONSTER JAM!!!! From 10:30 AM until 5 PM, with a 90 minute break for food (lunch, Lunch, LUNCH!), it'll be non-stop racing and crushing and smashing!

Featuring the awesome...

So every once in a while my buddy gets control over his own Gamefly account and yet somehow he stills gets shitty games. Sure he could have gotten a known quantity like Fallout 3, no, he picked Beowulf. He's an idiot. So, on we go with my buddy's timely review of...

Beowulf
I've complained about checkpoint saves before. I don't really get them. They could be something that's just a decision made upfront when designing code. They could be a later decision. I don't know. I don't make games. I just play them.

I don't like games that save only through checkpoints. They're better than save-points, but far worse that "save whenever." But even though I think all games should be "save whenever" games, I respect and am okay with "save whenever except for when you're in the middle of a mission." I'm cool with that. You don't want me to be able to save in the middle of a battle - okay, fine, as long as I can save just...

So, my buddy has given me free reign over his Gamefly queue and without hesitation I added Golden Axe: Beast Rider. Why, you ask. Because I figured this game would suck and I love punishing him. So on we go with my buddy's timely review of...

Golden Axe: Beast Rider Review
I don't like not finishing games. I certainly don't like reviewing games that I haven't completed. And I should have been able to finish Golden Axe: Beast Rider. I didn't, though, and I blame the game.


At first, I liked the game. It captured that arcade feel of a side scroller, but translated it well into a 3D environment. All the standard fare you could possibly want - hordes of enemies, two attack buttons, a couple combos, and a plot that really doesn't matter what they are telling you. Normally, I love plot, and tearing plots apart, but I knew that plot mattered in this game about as much as it does in a driving simulator. Death Adder, a big bad guy from the series,...

So I've been gone for a while, got married, but now am back to continue posting my buddy's timely reviews. Here we have a review of Prototype, a game which I considered buying several times from Gamefly's used games sales but for one reason or another didn't. If you are like me then maybe this review will help.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2010
Prototype - Review
This is going to be a double review.

Prototype is what I'm going to call a third-person hack and slash adventure game, but without the traditional trappings of a fantasy sword and sorcery setting. Your sword is your arm. Your sorcery is your body. And the fantasy kingdom is zombie-plagued New York City.

Sounds awesome, right? Who doesn't like playing a zombie game? And Prototype gives you plenty of opportunities. THere are THOUSANDS of zombies. And tons of ways to kill them. You get various powers based on your own zombie body. Blade arms, hammer fists, super strength, gliding,...

Once again I provide you with the most timely review of a game that came out in September of 2008 by my buddy, Crapasaurus Rex...


TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2010

Silent Hill: Homecoming - Review

Silent Hill: Homecoming (SHH) is like the twelfth game in the Silent Hill series. Okay, it's not, but have you ever realized how weird the word "twelfth" is? I mean, where the hell did that "f" come from?

I went into SHH with only the terrible movie as my Silent Hill experience. I knew it was a town you get trapped in and that freaky shit happened when the world flaked away into a super evil world of even freakier shit. And Pyramid Head - I've heard of him just because he's an icon of the series. So without having ever played a game, I decided to forget the movie and just let the game show me what it wanted to show me. I couldn't be disappointed by the rehash of ideas.

Let me start with what they got right:...

Well Spyder187, you requested it...

READER REQUESTS!!!!


Hooray! My first reader request!!!!

Sadly, it's not a request from a comment on my blog, but instead from a great website (www.cheapassgamer.com) where my buddy re-posts my stuff! Some fan of mine decided to comment on my material, and that makes me feel all tingly inside. Lets jump right to the request!

Spyder187 wrote: “Id like for him to review why the hell he feels the need to make these bullshit ass reviews and fill them with retarded inuendos that you i mean he feels are witty. Also if he could find the time I would love for him to review the reason his mom didnt abort his pathetic ass.”

Wow! It’s actually a two-fer! Lets break down the individual requests (with a couple of edits for clarity). #1) “I’d like for him to review why the [expletive deleted] he feel the need to make these [expletive deleted] reviews and fill them with...

First of all I want to say this one goes out to Spyder187. Why you might ask? Because he has been so supportive of the time my "buddy" takes to play out of date games and write reviews. With that being said, I want to take a moment to thank Spyder187 for encouraging my "buddy" to continue reviewing games and encouraging me to post his reviews here on CAG. Without further ado, here is my "buddies" timely review of Dark Void...


FRIDAY, APRIL 30, 2010

Dark Void - Review

I'm pretty shitty at driving simulator and flight simulator games. I want to disclose that right up front. So when I review a driving or flying game, it's going to be colored by the fact that I suck at them. Does that mean I'm bad at games? No, of course not! Look at my gamer score! It's much better than yours; ergo, I am better at games than you. (If it's not better than yours, just wait. It will be soon.)

Dark Void is a...

So, I picked this game up from Gamefly for $10 a while back and didn't get to far. I got stuck early on in the game and had zero desire to keep playing what felt like a mediocre game so I quit and have never gone back to it. Of course my buddy decided that he had to play it and so, here is my buddies timely review of Ghostbusters...


Ghostbusters - Review
Here's the problem with Ghostbusters - The Video Game: It's representing itself as something new. The tragedy is that it didn't need to.

A lot of people probably think that the game is a tired rehash of poorly patched together ideas stolen from the films. I believed that for some time myself. But then when I sat down to write this, I think I grasped the reality of the situation.

I actually believe that a movie tie-in was the original intention. A game-movie tie-in coming out years later isn't brand new. Hell, Lego Star Wars came out like three decades after the first film,...