I hate to be the one to point it out, but the way that reads you've already made up your mind, you just seem unwilling to execute...

...trying to decide if I want to be a jerk or not. OK...so she's boning dudes and chicks while you're courting, against your wishes. She bounces around from drug to drug. She may or may not still be trying to sleep around. And with all of this considered, she was the gal for you?

It does make me appreciate my relationship with my wife that much more, but damn brotha, I'd say there were just a handful of warning signs that she might not be the soulmate you were looking for. You aren't responsible for her doing the things she's doing, but a reasonable person had to see writing on the wall, to the point of being an enabler. I hope things work out the best for your daughter, because you and your wife are adults. You can mess up your lives as much as you choose, but the child had no choice in all of this. Best of luck to you and the whole fam. Not a fun situation.

Originally Posted by berzirk ...trying to decide if I want to be a jerk or not. OK...so she's boning dudes and chicks while you're courting, against your wishes. She bounces around from drug to drug. She may or may not still be trying to sleep around. And with all of this considered, she was the gal for you? It does make me appreciate my relationship with my wife that much more, but damn brotha, I'd say there were just a handful of warning signs that she might not be the soulmate you were looking for. You aren't responsible for her doing the things she's doing, but a reasonable person had to see writing on the wall, to the point of being an enabler. I hope things work out the best for your daughter, because you and your wife are adults. You can mess up your lives as much as you choose, but the child had no choice in all of this. Best of luck to you and the whole fam. Not a fun situation.

You know, from the OP, I had a feeling that there was more to the story because addiction doesn't suddenly take hold of someone like that all of a sudden and every update confirmed it while making the picture worse. You hit the nail on the head by bringing up the enabling.

Nothing personal against you OP, but there are some deeper issues in regards to why you decided to proceed with the relationship despite the apparent serious emotional instability in your wife as well. It's something that you'll probably need to address if you're able to get some counseling on it.

I understand that it's probably difficult because of your kid, but this sounds like a marriage that you just need to end.

From what you've written so far, it sounds like you've dealt with your fair share of noise from her and it doesn't appear that she has any intention of living the kind of life you're interested in. If she wants to spend her life strung out on whatever and indulging in a variety of vices, so be it, but don't ruin your life trying to get her to act the way you wish she would.

Also remember that just because your past isn't squeaky clean, it doesn't mean you deserve to put up with this. Don't be a pushover and don't wait around for her to do something even worse to justify executing your decision, which as RedvsBlue pointed out, you seem to have already made.

I think the biggest problem was that you believed you could change her as you change. Most of the time, person A is never going to change person B and that is something you are going to always struggle with. This situation is going to continually repeat itself, whether it be drugs again, cheating, gaming, or _______. What you need to think about is A, what is the best situation for yourself and your daughter, and B is you need to figure out how long you need to stay with her to get enough evidence on your side to get sole custody of your daughter after the divorce.

Originally Posted by kodave

Oh shit, this thread is in 3D? Standby. I always keep a pair of glasses handy just in case....

...WHOA...trippy.

this might be this year's slumlord thread.

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Originally Posted by confoosious this might be this year's slumlord thread.

Yep.

I thought i had it bad. Good Luck brother

After reading the latest long post, all I have to say is: divorce this woman. You shouldn't have married her in the first place, and yes you are an enabler. You can't fix this woman. I really think this is a situation where counseling would NOT help, after hearing more details of your story. Just let it go man, it's gone.

It's so sad to read that post on the day of my 2nd wedding anniversary. You deserve so much better, dude.

Originally Posted by metaphysicalstyles Just some additional input. My wife has struggled with addiction in the past, and has always found risque behavior appealing. From the time that we met, I have had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing both of these characteristics. She cheated on me a few times early in our relationship. Two of which instances were with complete strangers. Prior to our relationship, she maintained an intimate relationship with a married couple... ultimately leading the husband to abandon his wife and the three-way relationship for an exclusive relationship with my now wife. During her relationship with this guy, she started with the whole bulimia gig coupled with an unhealthy addiction to Ultram XR. At this same time, she was in med school, and being concerned for her health, he contacted the school to advise them of these issues. From how the story was told to me, she believes it was out of spite because she was being unfaithful. But I honestly believe that this was more of an attempted intervention. Regardless, these actions she's exhibiting is not unusual when taking into account her previous psychological issues. Before the "you should have known better than to have married that woman" comments come flooding in, allow me to defend myself. I was never a "saint" by any means (use your imagination). However, as I assume most people experience, I just decided one day that I wasn't going to "party" or participate in rather risque behavior any longer. I went back to college, graduated with honers, and began focusing on my career. During this time, I stumbled on to this gorgeous Lebanese woman on Myspace (of all gawd forsaken places). She too was in school, pursuing her degree in medicine. Even though she lived two hours away, we decided to give having a relationship a shot. After I graduated from college, she wanted me to move in with her. We had been together for almost a year by this time, and I managed to land a job at the local university in the city she was living. So I moved. We married two years later... as this is what she ultimately wanted. We accepted that we both had torrid pasts, and agreed that we were both ready for a life with one individual. A more "straight" life... with only leisurely dabbling in random illicit substance (this was prior to having a child of course). I've remained faithful to her ever since the day we met. She on the other hand, not so much. However, the three instances did occur before we married, and she considers these instances as mistakes, but justifies them as her last "hurrahs." I trusted her in this explanation, even though it actually sickened me. Look... you do stupid things when you're 30 and in love. Shortly after we married, she expressed how badly she wanted to start a family... and because I give her everything that she wants, I agreed. We introduced our daughter to the world nine months later. I felt for sure that if marriage wouldn't keep her straight, being a mother to a beautiful little girl would. So that's the abridged back story. Our relationship is void of any serious issues. She has everything she could ever want. I do the cleaning, the cooking, the transportation of the daughter to and from school, managing our finances, and so forth... not because I want to, but because if I don't, she certainly won't either. Due to her bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder (I assume), she become irate when it's suggested that she keep up her end of the deal (the deal being having a home, husband, and daughter). Instead, she just does what she wants to do. She cycles her addictions. For a few weeks, it will be alcohol. Then it will be prescription pain killers. Sleeping pills. Then a combination of two or more. Then I have it out with her... and she stops (or just conceals it). This lasts a few weeks, and then she seems "stable." But this gaming thing has lasted over a year... and it almost seems as if it's allowing her to revert back to her behaviors prior to marriage. She games, participates in questionable online affairs, and because she barricades herself in the bedroom when she plays, she also takes the opportunity to take pills and binge eat/drink. So this whole mess is more deeply rooted than just a gaming addiction. However, this is the most profound effect I have seen any of her addictions have on her life. Not to self promote, but I couldn't imagine that any other woman would find a relationship with me to be difficult. I believe that my desires and expectations are no more extreme than the average thirty-something person. I don't expect for her to carry more than a quarter of the responsibilities at home, nor do I expect wild monkey sex every night. Just a little bit of attention every so often... directed toward the house, my daughter, and me. Update: As I'm typing this, she calls and claims that she no longer likes me. All because I asked that she not spend any more money on the game.

im not gonna say you should have seen shit because really from my own experiences i know love can blind you to alot of things about people and also about yourself. people can change for the better no matter what theyve done but the main component to that is wanting to change.

you wanted to and it seems you did your wife hasnt and doesnt want to ad probably never will so from here on in you need to figure out what you want or remain miserable. even beyond what you want think about whats best for your kid beause what shes doing has to be hurting her as well.


also do you want your daughter to be like her? if not move on because its scary the shit kids pick up from the way their parents act and if you wait too long she could end up more like her mom. im sure your wife has some good qualities of some kind and at times things may be ok but look at the overall theme of your life and how many days are good compared to how many are bad?

if you want to try and fix things you have to take charge and let her know whats what but before you do that id suggest you collect any and all things of value you have and move them somewhere safe.

also if your name is on any of her credit cards ( where youd be liable for the debt, and if you have joint accounts end them now because i get the feeling as soon as you try to lay down the law shes going to wreck your shit and take any and all valuables she can find and leave. you also want to take your kid somewhere where she cant get to her and to someone you can trust to not let the mom walk away with.

unless your wife suddenly has an epiphany and feels guilt for all shes done to you , which i dont see happeing, the worst is around the corner. cheating is cheating i dont are when you do it and if shes doing it online id think she was doing it online too so get checked out because you never know.


after all that goodluck i hope things turn out in your favor whatever that may be.

Dang man, bummer of a thread. In my unprofessional opinion, her addiction should never have lasted this long and you should've stepped (with fast and drastic actions) in when you realized this was causing problems. No relationship is 'perfect', but it does take two to make things work.

Originally Posted by confoosious this might be this year's slumlord thread.

Originally Posted by kodave Yep.

My thoughts exactly.

Like most others have said, it sounds like you know what needs to be done but need some reassurance that it really is the right thing to do. Which is completely and entirely understandable in a situation like this, I'm sure I would do the same. Though I certainly hope I never have to, because that sounds awful.

I think the most unfortunate thing about this is that there is a kid involved. It makes being able to walk away from the relationship a lot more difficult, and I imagine plays into some of people saying Meta made up his mind but isn't acting.

While I'm not expert on relationships, it really sounds like your wife needs professional help of some kind. An addiction isn't just going to go away on its own, which should be clear based on the fact that she's just replaced one addiction with another. Unfortunately, you can't force her into therapy. You can only make her realize it'd be the best course of action for her, and that's likely not to be something she'll do without a lot of effort and the accompanying turmoil on your part.

Best of luck on whatever you decide. Sorry you and your daughter are having to go through it.

I'm trying to muddle through the edits made here, but you're telling she has diagnosed psychological disorders, a history of substance abuse (and possibly current usage), a highly addictive personality, often even blurs the mental lines between fiction & reality... and yet somehow she is a licensed physician? I certainly hope she doesn't treat any patients because she'll wish she could live in a fantasy land when she ends up accidently killing some poor bastard or the only slightly better scenario of having her license revoked for drug abuse or mental health issues. Plus there's also the fact that you make her sound like she's in the running for the "Betty Draper Mother of the Year Award" (minus the physical abuse of course)...

All that aside, I don't really know all the facts here but I will drop some dime store psychology on you. Look up CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS because you are right in the center of one. But there's more than one problem here. I hope you see the bigger picture, it's not the game addiction that is issue. You said it yourself, her addictions move seemingly in cycles (not an uncommon thing). that said, it's obvious that keeping the her away from the game will only cycle into another addiction of some kind. Essentially she needs help to deal with her mental health problems and you should be focusing solely on remedying that, not trying to keep her offline.

Also, be careful not to overlook your own personality flaws here. You should really seek help as a couple ideally because trust me, if you don't see a problem with being the enabler or the co-dependent spouse (e.g. the only willing to do work in the relationship or show any interest). If you continue always being the only one going all out to fix the problems, then any relationship you have in the future could in fact follow the same path as this.

I always find it amazing that people can have careers, be married, have a kid, and mess around so much on the side (whether it is drugs or affairs, virtual or not). My wife has days when she barely has time to shower, let alone carry on like that - and she is a stay at home mom! You indicated that this is the case: your wife must seriously be slacking off on the house/kid stuff, if not also her job.

In our younger days (when we had even more free time relatively speaking) we would watch those horrible TV shows (Springer, etc) where people would come clean about the 3, 4, or 5 affairs they were having that their spouse knew nothing about. Of course they would also have 1 or several kids. We could never figure out how you would even go about doing that even if you wanted to.

But, man, it does sound bad. As mentioned earlier, you should at least PM sp00ge and ask him to relate his story. It is very similar except that there wasn't so much of the addiction stuff going on (that I remember). She did end up having a (real) affair with a guy she met through WoW. And that started off very much like what you are describing: an "in-game" romance and lots of complaining to online friends about the real life husband, followed eventually by meeting him in person and then abandoning her family (they had little girl too). Hell, I even remember him laying down some ultimatums and her backing off the game for a bit, only to resent him even further and return to it secretly just as your wife has done. He has bounced back very well from it and in fact has just recently gotten married again. You could probably learn a lot from him and see the light at the end of the tunnel via his experience.

Originally Posted by Cantatus I think the most unfortunate thing about this is that there is a kid involved. It makes being able to walk away from the relationship a lot more difficult, and I imagine plays into some of people saying Meta made up his mind but isn't acting.

This is correct. I know I should have jumped ship years ago. Hell... I probably should've ran before we even got married. These are the mistakes I have to live with. Sure, I can abandon her and my daughter, but I unfortunately don't want that type of life for my kid. We keep the auguring to ourselves, and make sure to "play nice" in the presence of our daughter. My daughter is exposed to my wife's gaming though... and will go out of her way to get her attention if she's playing the game. I just don't want my daughter to grow up being passed between parents. Which brings up possible divorce fallout. The wife would likely move back home (as in three hours south-east). I too would likely head back home (2 hours north-west). This would make joint custody difficult... and would ultimately lead to me only seeing my daughter a few months out of the year (if that). I have a pretty good feeling that I wouldn't get custody... because I'm the dad, with a lower wage job.

Attempting to address her psychological issues without jeopardizing her career is rather difficult. We went to a marriage counselor shortly after our daughter was born. The counselor made several suggestions (in a tactful way) that the bulk of our issues seemed to exist with the wife. I was asked to be mindful that she may be experiencing postpartum depression. I felt enlightened upon exiting the session, but we would never return. The wife felt that she didn't like the way the counselor "pointed fingers" at her as being a problem.

I suppose I can go to therapy by myself, but I have yet to take that road.

Since my independent intervention a few nights ago, she has almost pulled a 180. Yesterday while at work, she deleted the game from her devices, as well as deleted the Facebook page associated with her gaming persona. As of 9:00am this morning she has been free of the game for approximately 21 hours. Last night, without any input from me, she came downstairs following her bath, sat next to me, and showed me some of the games she was thinking about playing. None of which were multiplayer or mmo. I expressed genuine interest, and after she decided on a few, she invited me to play with her. That's what we did... we played some Dark Meadow and Crow, together. We even went to bed at the same time... which marks the first time that's happened in months. She's off from work today, and before I left for work, she had already had breakfast with the daughter, and unloaded the dishwasher (she never unloads the dishwasher). I'm not getting my hopes up... but between the hours of 8:30 pm and 9:00 am, I've apparently been living with a different woman who just happens to look exactly like my wife.

Now I know one night of positive results is far from a "cure," but I'm rather pleased with her apparent sudden revelation. I'm actually looking forward to tonight... hoping there isn't any transgressions.

So this is where the bipolar disorder kicks in.

Originally Posted by Dead of Knight So this is where the bipolar disorder kicks in.

One would have to be blind not to see that.

Don't get your hopes up, man.