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Shitfaced Mario Kart 64 Review

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#1 panzerfaust


Posted 25 June 2012 - 06:42 AM


Last week I came across a post that laid out the rules for a Mario Kart 64 drinking game, and I was really impressed with the idea. Normally people think of drinking rules that are overly complex, slow, or nitpicky -- but this one had a sense of humor. Here's how it works, I quote:

"When the light turns green you have two choices:

1) Drink as much beer as you can
2) Get as far in fucking first place as possible

In order to win, your beer must be empty before you finish the race. But you CANNOT DRINK and DRIVE. Instead:

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Full stop, no drinking while rolling to a stop, "Because drinking and driving is a horrible thing."

Original post here:



So I grabbed a 30 rack of High Life, and my buddy set up his 100 inch projector screen. We were having a house party a few hours later, so now was as good a time as any to pregame with an experiment. I handed out the first cans and snagged Yoshi while no one was looking. Things were looking up.

As college students, the game's first problem was agreed upon almost immediately amongst the 4 of us -- let's just sit at the green light and drink. Finish the race normally from there, plenty of time before the alcohol kicks in, it all makes sense.

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But of course, we had the alpha male (playing Peach) pounding his beer faster than the rest, the dude with the hangover still from last night who -- although his kart is pulled over -- looks at his beer and doesn't seem to know what to do with it. Then there's the hipster chick who never finishes her can anyways. And then me, thinking way too hard about strategy but drinking aggressively enough to consistently grab 2nd place.

Already the game seemed way too hardcore to be practical. You'd think it would mellow out, that people who chugged last race would relax for the next, but competition only became more fierce. I tried being clever and pulled over to drink after acquiring a Lightning, but no -- finishing the beer at the green light is the only viable strategy. And the odd thing was that no where in this guy's drinking game was a reward for first place, but Peach was still demolishing beers at the start of each race like something mattered.

Finished cans were thrown at the screen to flaunt superiority, and races were lasting 5 minutes tops. Driving was getting real bad, especially on Choco Mountain what with no railings, or finding yourself going the wrong way on Yoshi's Valley. I know for a fact none of these people can race the Star Cup sober let alone 5 beers deep, but those are the types of courses we chose.

Now, one shining subtlety of Shitfaced Mario Kart 64 -- and of most drinking games -- is a rule that everyone can complain about, but no one actually listens to. In this case, the complete stop rule. Yelling over this made things more social and less miserable than how it probably looked to a bystander. So, with some reworking into how much much beer is required to play this game, I think something worthwhile could come out of this. But until a patch hits, the game's current build is flawed to the core.

Four players and a half hour later -- 30 beers gone. I don't quite remember leaving the room or shutting off the game, and so very much logged off from consciousness. Woke up in my bed two hours later with cuts on my left hand and shin, and proceeded downstairs with a glass of water to greet an already underway dance party that I was not in the mood for thanks to this poorly developed drinking game. Wait for a price drop.



#2 Mr Dude65

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Posted 25 June 2012 - 08:01 AM

Funny review! I'd suggest the Pokemon drinking game. The board can be printed out online.
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#3 dothog


    n ur race snakin mai kart

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Posted 25 June 2012 - 02:59 PM

If people need excitement and the races aren't competitive enough already, just start betting.

I don't see how booze adds anything to the karting experience. If everyone's just sitting around watching movies or talking, and the overall intent is not to watch or talk but to drink to your god of the harvest, then yes, invent arcane rules and giggle through a case of Natty Light with the bros at the frat house.

But this is karting, dammit. This is REAL LIFE happening. People want to be *less* functional for that, like it's somehow acceptable -- let alone "fun" -- to slide off Choco like a punk? That's fucked up. If you kart, you kart to win goddammit.

As substance abuse in karting goes, I would think it goes the other way, where people would ingest large amounts of stimulants to hone their reflexes and improve lap times. I'm really surprised we don't see more on this. I'll admit to getting stim'd up before some of the bigger cups I've karted. It was a long time ago, everyone was doing it. It started with Peach of all people. Next thing you know Bowser's juicing to jack his acceleration rate, and after that we all fell in line. Like I said, you kart to win. Serious business.
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