135 replies to this topic

[Rezzy]

the funniest joke by a CAG. I read a thread like this a while ago, and thought it would be a good idea. I got two year subscriptions for Christmas but I had just bought a year 3 weeks before. I've got no use for it, so it goes to a CAG. Joke away!

[nnja]

Wow, you must have a FATWALLET.

eh?

[furyk]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

So yeah, stolen but whatever.

[Rezzy]

Nice. I just like to help out the community since it helps me so much. Figure what better way, right? I've saved well over $60 since being a member.

[sarausagi]

How many bananas does it take to screw in a light bulb?












A bunch!

[kennistond]

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win."

The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."

The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?"

The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."

Stolen as well but a great one!

[snotknocker]

A midget goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the midget staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The midget faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the midget says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The midget says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

[wingeddragon]

A guy plans to buy a house. He wonders why he is getting the house so cheap and the realtor says "Oh its supposed to be haunted, thats why it has sat empty and nobody has bought it."

The guy thinks to himself whatever and decides to move in.

The next day when he arrives at the house and approach the front door he hears a faint sound that sounds like singing. "Wonder what that could be?" the guy says.

He opens the door and the song is a bit louder. He approaches the foot of the stairs and the song is even louder. He now is bit curious and a tiny bit scared. He climbs the stairs and the song grows even louder.

He approaches the bathroom door at the end of the hall and stops in front of it. "Sounds like its coming from in here" he thinks to himself, "maybe i do have a ghost." Calming his nerves he opens the door and in the toilet he sees 8 ants sitting on a turd singing, "when the logs rolls over we all shall die."

[help1]

A man from india immigrates to the Good ol US of A and chooses to reside in NYC. He starts a grocery store with waht ever money he has but only knows 3 lines. "Not today, maybe tomorrow." "Only 99 cents." and "Fresh, Fresh very Fresh."

The next day an old woman comes into the grocery store and asks, "how much is this apple" He replies " only 99 cents" she asks how fresh are the red apples are, he says "Fresh fresh very fresh" and she asks if he has green apples, he says "Not today maybe tomorrow"

As the lady leaves the store, a large man walks into the store and pulls out a firearm. He screams "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!" The indian man says, "Only 99 cents." The robber says " ARE YOU ACTING FRESH WITH ME?" The indian man replies "Fresh fresh, very fresh." The robber then asks "MAN DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?!" The indian man replies, "Not today, maybe tomorrow"

[dafoomie]

Driv3r:
8.5/10, 1UP.com
90/100, Playstation Magazine UK
7.5/10, EGM

Gundam: Crossfire
32/40, Famitsu

True Crime
9/10, IGN

Enter the Matrix
8.5/10, Game Informer

50 Cent: Bulletproof
7/10, Eurogamer

Apex
9/10, Eurogamer

"Gears of War is not doing anything extraordinary... on any level" -Eurogamer

[Firestorm]

"Steal one person's work, it's plagiarism. Steal many people's work, it's research."

My friend just told me that one >.>;

[ananag112]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"



I should win by default. The joke I posted is the World's funniest joke:

http://archives.cnn....iest/index.html

[guynextshore]

So superman was flying around at the speed of light doing his daily heroic business.

When suddenly using his xray vision spots Wonder woman laying on top of a sky scraper's rooftop sun bathing - completely naked.

Being the fastest man in the world, superman decides to swoop down and preform the quickest hump ever so wonder women will never notice.

Meanwhile, wonder woman enjoying herself is suddenly interrupted with a gust of wind followed by an incredible BOOM!

Wonder Woman then says- "What the heck was that?!"


The invisible man thereafter replies - "I don't know but my ass sure hurts alot!"

[pimpinc333]

5th Grade Joke Right Here:

What's Black, White, and Red all over? A Nun falling down the stairs with a knife!

Thanks for the contest

[Daywalker]

If World of Warcraft ever hits the 360... the most difficult achievement would be? To keep a healthy relationship with your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend. "You made me lose my powerful sword hun! I want a divorce... what the hell? *Achievemnt unlocked*... let's see... 'You are a loser' OH DAMMIT... and i'm taking the kids with me!"

[godhatesjustyou]

So two fishes are in a tank, one fish says to the other, "You know how to drive this thing?"

[Pookymeister]

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.
"Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.

[Haggar]

It's not PC, but whatever. . .

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered woman's shelter?

A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!

[Noodle Pirate!]

So two fishes are in a tank, one fish says to the other, "You know how to drive this thing?"

ROFL

Here's mine.

Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field!!

[coolbrys]

A Frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Frank784]

This was borrowed, but:


Three guys were stranded on an island. One day, a magic lamp washed ashore. A magic genie popped out. He said "I'll give each of you one wish."
The 1st man said "I want to go back home"...he disappeared. The 2nd man said "I also want to go home"...he also disappeared. The third man looked around and felt lonely. He said "I want my 2 friends back to keep me company"!

[Haggar]

This was borrowed:

A man was sitting on the couch watching football when his wife storms in and smacks him in the face with a rolled up newspaper.

"What the hell was that for?" he asks

"I was doing laundry and I found a piece of paper with the name 'Ann-Marie' and a phone number written on it in your pants pocket!" his wife blurts out.

"Oh, hon, that's the name of a horse I was betting on, with the race number, odds, and payoff" he says

The wife blushes, runs over and says she's so sorry for doubting him, and they make up and have passionate love that night.

A week later, the husband was sitting on the couch watching football when his wife storms in, smacks him in the head with a frying pan, and knocks him out cold. An hour later, he comes to.

"What the hell was that for?" he demands

"Your horse just called looking for you" she says

[lilboo]

A vampire walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks him what he wants, and the vanpire replies "I'll have a cup of blood". "We don't serve blood here", the bartender replies so the vampire takes a beer instead.

The next night, the vampire goes back to the bar and again asks the bartender for blood. "We don't serve blood here.." the bartender said again, so the vampire took a beer instead.

The night after that, the vampire goes back to the bar and sits down. The bartender reminds the vampire that they don't serve blood at this bar and the vampire replies "I know, so I'll have a cup of hot water". Confused, the bartender asks "Why hot water?" and the vampire pulls out a tampon and says"Tea Time"

LOL FTW

[rustyrage]

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

[omgu8myrice]

[buterbals]

borrowed:

-"A blonde complains to her doctor that her whole body is aching. She touches her knee and screams. Then she touches her nose and elbow and screams. "Is it serious?" she asks. "Nah," he replies. "Your finger's just broken."


-What did one old boob say to the other?
"If we don't get some support soon, they're going to think we're nuts!"

[PhreQuencYViii]

Penis Tree Noggle!@!!!!

[Cormier6083]

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwhich then shoots the man behind the bar. Someone frantically asks "What the did you do? Why did you do that?" The panda replies "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary". Then the panda left. The man looks in the dictionary. He reads up panda. "large black-and-white herbivorous mammal of bamboo forests of China and Tibet; eats shoots and leaves."



OMFGLMAO

[freezedried74]

There's three 4th grade kids playing at recess, an Irish boy, a Jewish boy and a redneck boy. The Irish kid says to the others "let's play the wiener game". The other 2 agree and say "what's the wiener game"? The Irish boy says "all of us have to pull out our wieners and whoever has the biggest one wins". So they pull them out and the Irish and Jewish boy look at the redneck boy in disbelief and declare him the winner.

After school the redneck boy runs home to his mother and proudly tells her about the wiener game at school and how he won by a landslide. His mother then says to him "Honey, you won because you're 23 years old".

[neudog]

If a woman with big tits works at hooters where does a one legged woman work?

IHOP