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Who's funeral do you HAVE to go to?


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#1 Javery

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 11:16 PM

EDIT: A new one: OK, I'm bringing this up again... I just got word that an old friend's father died and the services are tomorrow. I haven't seen or spoken to this person in over 15 years including email, etc. but we did go to high school together and we were friends back then. Should I go to the wake/funeral? It would be completely awkward and I only found out about this through a friend of a friend. I'm really bad about making these sorts of judgments - I wouldn't expect him to attend anything of mine ever... this would also mean I have to adjust plans that I have for the weekend in order to go.

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On Sunday I get an email from my HR guy saying my boss's father-in-law died after a "heroic" battle with cancer. Monday, as I'm getting ready to leave, a partner comes into my office and says "you should go tomorrow" and I'm like "go to what?" and he says, "the funeral." Really? It's about a 40 minute drive from work - is that completely insane or is it just me? I am still in shock over this - I wouldn't go 1000 times out of 1000. I didn't even consider it for a second. It's sad and everything but does this mean that I have to go to Cousin Joe's or Great Aunt Bertha's funeral too? I just don't get it.

Edited by Javery, 04 February 2011 - 06:10 PM.


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#2 GuyWithGun

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 11:25 PM

Does your boss seem especially broken up about it? I know people who have gone to their boss' parent's funeral, but don't know about in-laws. That seems a little too removed.

I guess the more important question is how many of your co-workers are going to the funeral? Because you don't want to be the one guy that didn't go. :)
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#3 captainfrizo

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 11:31 PM

I think in this case all you need to ask yourself is this: did I personally know the departed?

If no, don't go.

Pretty simple.

#4 SpazX

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 11:47 PM

Your own?

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#5 Sporadic

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 11:54 PM

On Sunday I get an email from my HR guy saying my boss's father-in-law died after a "heroic" battle with cancer. Monday, as I'm getting ready to leave, a partner comes into my office and says "you should go tomorrow" and I'm like "go to what?" and he says, "the funeral." Really? It's about a 40 minute drive from work - is that completely insane or is it just me? I am still in shock over this - I wouldn't go 1000 times out of 1000. I didn't even consider it for a second. It's sad and everything but does this mean that I have to go to Cousin Joe's or Great Aunt Bertha's funeral too? I just don't get it.


What the hell is up with you and your work?

Christmas parties, secret santa, funerals...and the subject of the thread is always "They want me to do something that isn't work and I just don't get it"

Just because it was the guy's father-in-law doesn't mean that the guy wasn't very close to him. It is possible to be really close to somebody that isn't immediate family. Are you friends with your boss or does he think you are close with him? Even if you didn't know the dead, it's always great to have people show up to support you through a rough time. When my Dad's father died, all of his friends from the motorcycle group and work showed up. They may not have known my Grandfather but they were there for my Dad.

#6 BigSpoonyBard

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 11:59 PM

"Whose," not "Who is"

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#7 billyrox

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 12:02 AM

are you a partner in the firm? if not, i would go (its just your upper level asserting his power over you).... and make the best out of it... make sure you spend some face time with your boss offering your condolences (like 5 mins and then get out as fast as you can)

if you are the same level as the guy who told you to go, then who cares... dont go... it is insane if you dont even know him and feel no obligation..

#8 xycury

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 12:10 AM

What the hell is up with you and your work?

Christmas parties, secret santa, funerals...and the subject of the thread is always "They want me to do something that isn't work and I just don't get it"

Just because it was the guy's father-in-law doesn't mean that the guy wasn't very close to him. It is possible to be really close to somebody that isn't immediate family. Are you friends with your boss or does he think you are close with him? Even if you didn't know the dead, it's always great to have people show up to support you through a rough time. When my Dad's father died, all of his friends from the motorcycle group and work showed up. They may not have known my Grandfather but they were there for my Dad.


I would kinda side with getting good with the boss, but if the networking and the bonding don't fit, no room for growth and raises and promotions, I wouldn't.

I think I'd stick around long enough to notice, then head out.


I think businesses get personal like that, into each other's lives, especially small ones.

And as another stated, if you're the odd one out that didn't go... that won't look too good.

#9 Z_meista

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 12:20 AM

if there are a lot of people going, it would be a good idea if you went along.

#10 Strell

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 12:24 AM

Is Jean Gray going to be there?


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#11 Richlough

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 12:25 AM

I don't blame you for not wanting to go .

It's just that people always remember things that you don't do , never the things you do .

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#12 crunchb3rry

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 12:47 AM

Even if you didn't know the dead, it's always great to have people show up to support you through a rough time. When my Dad's father died, all of his friends from the motorcycle group and work showed up. They may not have known my Grandfather but they were there for my Dad.


QFT. Good post.

I'll add that for most people, showing up at the wake is what is considered the decent thing to do. Going to the service is pretty much for those who directly knew the deceased, but the burial itself is generally a moment for those closest to the deceased. The post creator should go to the wake, but skip the rest.

#13 TC

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 01:00 AM

Grab a case of beer and head up there. You'll be the star.

#14 Stoneage

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 01:24 AM

There should be a game like Trauma Center, except called Funeral Director. That's the first thing that popped into my head. I guess you should just get a feel for what is expected and what your coworkers are doing and just go with the flow. I think you work for "The Firm". If you fail to attend, Wilfred Brimley might come after you. But, then again, the image of Tom Cruise rib-kicking him will never leave me.

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#15 BigSpoonyBard

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 01:24 AM

Is Jean Gray going to be there?


:applause:

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#16 pacifickarma

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 04:40 AM

1. Tell everyone that you'll go. ('Cause you're a great guy!)
2. Don't go. (Do something fun.)
3. Text someone telling them that you got a flat tire. (But you'll try to make it!)
4. Put donut tire on your car and drive it into work that way on Monday. (Act bummed that you couldn't make it.)

#17 JolietJake

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 04:53 AM

I'd gladly go to your own.;)

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#18 lordwow

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 04:56 AM

Here's who I would say are appropriate people to go to funerals for:

1) Relatives (depending on how close your family is and whatnot, you should be able to determine this yourself)
2) Friends (obviously)
3) Coworkers, even if you don't care for them (unless it's a situation where you have to work to cover while others are at the funeral)
4) Close Friends' parents/siblings (I think of my friends who I've been friends with since elementary school and still talk to, and spent a lot of time at their houses growing up, more as a courtesy to them. Maybe just go to the wake).
5) Fellow students (if you know them, depends a lot on your age/what level of education you're at, ie at some colleges there are 20,000+ kids)

I can only think of one situation I can think of where a coworker's dad died. He was like 45 at the time, and it was one of those situations where it had been getting progressively worse for years. His boss and his best friend at work went to the funeral, the rest of us pitched in for flowers and a card.

I don't think you should feel obliged to go at all in the situation you're describing
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#19 CouRageouS

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 04:57 AM

1. Tell everyone that you'll go. ('Cause you're a great guy!)
2. Don't go. (Do something fun.)
3. Text someone telling them that you got a flat tire. (But you'll try to make it!)
4. Put donut tire on your car and drive it into work that way on Monday. (Act bummed that you couldn't make it.)

Wait... so you didn't really have a flat tire when we all went out to TGIFriday's for my birthday? :-(
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#20 whoknows

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 04:58 AM

I'll only go to funerals for immediate family.

Everyone else can just die.

#21 Richlough

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 05:26 AM

1. Tell everyone that you'll go. ('Cause you're a great guy!)
2. Don't go. (Do something fun.)
3. Text someone telling them that you got a flat tire. (But you'll try to make it!)
4. Put donut tire on your car and drive it into work that way on Monday. (Act bummed that you couldn't make it.)


You forgot ,

5. Let the air out of the "flat" tire in the trunk.

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#22 captainfrizo

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 05:45 AM

His boss and his best friend at work went to the funeral, the rest of us pitched in for flowers and a card.


Actually, this is the best solution.

Get a card and/or some flowers with some co-workers and give it to your boss. That way he knows you're sorry for the loss, knows you're there to help support if needed, and won't think twice when you don't show up for the funeral.

You get some brownie points (although not as many as the suck-ups that will show to the funeral) and don't waste your own time going to the funeral of someone you don't know (no disrespect intended towards the deceased).

#23 Ikohn4ever

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 06:04 AM

if you have kids, say one of them got sick and don't go, case closed
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#24 epobirs

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 07:55 PM

So the father-in-law has no conenction to you personally, nor was ever part of the firm? Unless I was very, very close to the boss and he was greatly affected by the death, I cannot imagine why'd I'd go.

It just seems creepy and intrusive to me. Like a morbid version of 'The Wedding Crashers.' (Actually, didn't the creepy Will Ferrell character crash funerals?) Going to the funeral of a boss' relative sound like something Dwight of 'The Office' would do to suck up.
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#25 shieryda

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 08:34 PM

Yeah, Javery. You have a family to go home to after work.

I would not go. Unless you are extrememly worried about whether your absence will affect your next performance review.

And, yes. You need to go to Cousin Joe's funeral.

#26 Javery

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 08:39 PM

So the father-in-law has no conenction to you personally, nor was ever part of the firm? Unless I was very, very close to the boss and he was greatly affected by the death, I cannot imagine why'd I'd go.


This is my line of thinking. I had no connection whatsoever with the deceased - I still don't even know his name. I ended up going and it wasn't bad but it just felt completely unnecessary. I have to start looking at things from a perspective that is not mine because I'm clearly not in the same wavelength as the rest of the people here - this type of stuff means a lot to my boss (apparently) and it was good that I went just so he saw me there. He really is like an evil version of Michael Scott who thinks we are a family here (he's said that exactly on several occasions) even though he's been firing "family members" left and right lately.

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#27 LonelyController

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 08:57 PM

good thing you went, then.

#28 shrike4242

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 09:02 PM

This is my line of thinking. I had no connection whatsoever with the deceased - I still don't even know his name. I ended up going and it wasn't bad but it just felt completely unnecessary. I have to start looking at things from a perspective that is not mine because I'm clearly not in the same wavelength as the rest of the people here - this type of stuff means a lot to my boss (apparently) and it was good that I went just so he saw me there. He really is like an evil version of Michael Scott who thinks we are a family here (he's said that exactly on several occasions) even though he's been firing "family members" left and right lately.

Sorry that you ended up going, and really had no reason to go, save making brownie points with your boss. I think it might've been a little worse, long-term, if you didn't go.

#29 billyrox

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 09:16 PM

This is my line of thinking. I had no connection whatsoever with the deceased - I still don't even know his name. I ended up going and it wasn't bad but it just felt completely unnecessary. I have to start looking at things from a perspective that is not mine because I'm clearly not in the same wavelength as the rest of the people here - this type of stuff means a lot to my boss (apparently) and it was good that I went just so he saw me there. He really is like an evil version of Michael Scott who thinks we are a family here (he's said that exactly on several occasions) even though he's been firing "family members" left and right lately.



yeah good thing you went. esp since firings have been starting.

#30 The Great Muta

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 09:36 PM

I second the flowers and card idea. It's better for you, and plus, it's more visual. If you do go, your boss might not even remember you went.

Well, considering how you added how your boss is trigger-happy, I think you did what is necessary to add some element of 'security' to your place at work.