The worst database ever created: emergency room details

What happened?
Treatment date 7/6/2008
Age 16
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative "DRY HUMPING HIS GIRLFRIEND" W/PENIS RUBBING AGAINST HER JEANS,ACTIVITY WENT ON FOR EXTENDED PERIOD,PENIS STARTED BLEEDING DX: ABRASIONS PENIS


LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Treatment date 4/28/2008
Age 16
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative 1 - 2 DEGREE BURN TO SHIN & INDEX FINGER, PUT GASOLINE IN A POP CAN AND THREW IT INTO BONFIRE. CAN EXPLODED. NO FIRE DEPT INVOLVED.
Click to expand...

dumbass
 
Treatment date 8/17/2008 Age 2 Sex Male Race White Narrative `PT STUCK "***" UP NOSE DX;NASAL FOREIGN BODY -- REMOVED
 
What happened?

Treatment date 8/4/2008

Age 26

Sex Female

Race Not stated

Narrative [T STS HAS NIPPLE PIERCING STS IS NOW INFECTED, DX R PERIORBOTAL CELLULITIS, L BREAST CELLULITIS
 
5/4/2008
34
Female
White
+ETOH,PLAYING A GUITAR,STUMBLED,FELL BACKWARD ONTO UNCAPPED BEER BOTTLE ,WHCH CONTACTED PERINEAL AREA [AKA, "the taint"],BOTTLE INTACT DX: COMPLEX VAGINAL LAC
 
[quote name='RedvsBlue']If you're male, don't search for penis.[/QUOTE]
Not exactly in a habit of doing so anyway, but thanks for the warning...
 
[quote name='darthbudge']Wow, apparently a LOT of people get their dicks stuck in a zipper and have to go to the ER for it.[/QUOTE]

I told you not to do it...
 
[quote name='darthbudge']Wow, apparently a LOT of people get their dicks stuck in a zipper and have to go to the ER for it.[/QUOTE]
that, and dropping toilet lids on them
 
What happened?
Treatment date 10/30/2008
Age 3
Sex Male
Race Not stated
Narrative PT WAS FIGHTING W/ TODDLER COUSIN ABOUT USING THE POTTY CHAIR WHEN COUS IN BIT HIM ON PENIS. HAS LAC TO VENTRAL PENIS. DX PENILE LAC
 
[quote name='The Crotch']5/4/2008
34
Female
White
+ETOH,PLAYING A GUITAR,STUMBLED,FELL BACKWARD ONTO UNCAPPED BEER BOTTLE ,WHCH CONTACTED PERINEAL AREA [AKA, "the taint"],BOTTLE INTACT DX: COMPLEX VAGINAL LAC[/QUOTE]
:rofl: Damn...
 
Here's something fun to think about. These "patients" could be your friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc...

Keep that in mind next time you sit down to do a job interview or give a speech.
 
What Happened ?: Treatment date 4/16/2008
Age 47
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative PT WAS DOING SOME KINKY MANEUVERS WITH GIRL HE MET, SHE PUT A PLASTIC BOTTLE IN RECTUM, UNABLE TO REMOVE. DX - RECTAL FOREIGN BODY

That sure must have been some Girl, one thing the Dr. sure says it like it is.
 
LOL, my high school buddy is about to start his ER rotation next month. I wonder if he will get a penis Lac patient... hilarious (unless it is u!)
 
[quote name='Nathan_Sama']that, and dropping toilet lids on them[/QUOTE]

How short do you have to be to drop a toilet seat on your dick?
 
[quote name='crunchb3rry']How short do you have to be to drop a toilet seat on your dick?[/QUOTE]

Maybe it's some kind of maneuver where they're trying to sit on the toilet while the seat is still partially up so they take it down with their ass? Stunt shitting?
 
Treatment date 2/24/2008 Age 69 Sex Female Race Not stated

Narrative SAT ONTO A CHAIR FOR COUPLE HOURS READING A BOOK, WENT TO GET UP, DIDN' T FEEL LEG, FELL ASLEEP&FELL TO THE FLOOR LANDING ONTO SHOULDER>>FX


Ah, old people.
 
[quote name='bobo2k4']64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS

Ah, old people.[/QUOTE]

What in god's name was that fantasy?

"She unzips my pants and slowly pulls out by throbbing member. She licks down the shaft and then slowly starts inserting the coat hanger..."
 
[quote name='SpazX']What in god's name was that fantasy?

"She unzips my pants and slowly pulls out by throbbing member. She licks down the shaft and then slowly starts inserting the coat hanger..."[/QUOTE]


Oh god I just got catheter flashbacks...and there was nothing sexual about it. ;|
 
Treatment date 7/7/2008
Age 47
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative 47YOM WAS HOME BENDING A *** POLE OF A TENT ,TENT POLE SLIPPED WENT THROUGH PANTS STRIKING PENIS;LACERATION TO PENIS
 
Treatment date 4/24/2008
Age 35
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative "FAINTED ONTO FLOOR FROM STOOL" - FOUND ON BATHROOM FLOOR PROBABLE SEIZURE

....fainted from a stool....
 
[quote name='theloserboy']Treatment date 4/24/2008
Age 35
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative "FAINTED ONTO FLOOR FROM STOOL" - FOUND ON BATHROOM FLOOR PROBABLE SEIZURE

....fainted from a stool....[/QUOTE]

Ambiguous! Haha, maybe he was taking a dump?
 
[quote name='crunchb3rry']How short do you have to be to drop a toilet seat on your dick?[/QUOTE]

I had a relative who was a pediatrician and I remember him telling us that was one of his most common injuries that his male toddler patients came in with.

Little boys learning to use the toilet, I can see how the injury could happen. Adult men...though... WTF? Are they high?
 
Not for the cringey types.

Treatment date 12/23/2008
Age 59
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative PT STUCK A SCREW UP IN PENIS AND INTO BLADDER. DX; FB IN PENIS
 
Treatment date 3/10/2008
Age 31
Sex Female
Race Black
Narrative BOYFRIEND INSERTED A BASEBALL IN HER VAGINA 4 HOURS AGO UNABLE TO REMOVAL BASEBALL FOREIGN BODY VAGINA REMOVAL
Click to expand...
Make sure to be safe and always use whiffle balls.
Treatment date 5/21/2008
Age 19
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative PT WEARING A PAIR OF THIN SHORTS WHEN HER DOG GOT EXCITTED AND BIT HER ON THE VAGINA AND SUSTAINED A LACERATION
Click to expand...
I hate it when my dog gets excited and bites me on my vagina.
 
[quote name='theloserboy']Not for the cringey types.

Treatment date 12/23/2008
Age 59
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative PT STUCK A SCREW UP IN PENIS AND INTO BLADDER. DX; FB IN PENIS
[/QUOTE]
How the hell is that even possible....:cold:
 
[quote name='SpazX']What in god's name was that fantasy?

"She unzips my pants and slowly pulls out by throbbing member. She licks down the shaft and then slowly starts inserting the coat hanger..."[/QUOTE]

Reminds me of Doug Stanhope's cock fingering joke.
 
[quote name='theloserboy']Treatment date 4/24/2008
Age 35
Sex Female
Race White
Narrative "FAINTED ONTO FLOOR FROM STOOL" - FOUND ON BATHROOM FLOOR PROBABLE SEIZURE

....fainted from a stool....[/QUOTE]

[quote name='c0rnpwn']Ambiguous! Haha, maybe he was taking a dump?[/QUOTE]

I went to nursing school and saw this several times. It's actually not uncommon. It's called Vasovagal Sincope. Your vagal nerve basically covers your digestive tract and when dropping a large or difficult duce, particularly old people and people with high blood pressure can over stimulate the nerve and cause blood pressure to drop or cause breathing to stop temporarily. As soon as you pass out and stop pushing, normal heartbeat and breathing resume.

"Vagus Nerve Stimulation: Fainting may occur if the vagus nerve, which supplies the neck, chest, and intestine, is stimulated. When stimulated, the vagus nerve slows the heart. Such stimulation also causes nausea and cool, clammy skin. This type of fainting is called vasovagal (vasomotor) syncope. The vagus nerve is stimulated by pain, fear, other distress (such as that due to the sight of blood), vomiting, a large bowel movement, and urination. Fainting during or immediately after urination is called micturition syncope. Rarely, vigorous swallowing causes fainting due to stimulation of the vagus nerve."
 
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