a series of unfortunate events OR money issues

forgive me if this isnt the right place for this, i've never created a thread before even though ive been a member of this site for years. just looking to get some opinions on this issue. read away:

I'm not stingy with my money. If my friends need a bit of a loan, or want to pick up something and don't have the money, I'll gladly lend them the money

A few years ago, my best friend owed me a few hundred dollars. After many promises of "Oh I'll pay you on so and so day" i wrote a gigantic blog on my myspace about

it. Some of my other friends who are also friends with him (including his cousin) said what he was doing is ridiculous and completely sided with me.

It resulted in me getting some post dated checks from him, which I promptly cashed anyway so I could get my money back and cause him some overdraft fees for all the

hassle he put me through.

It took awhile, but we're pretty cool again. I dont get to see him as often as I like because he has a demanding job with weird hours as an EMT, but I'd go as far as

to say that I trust him. I'd never lend him money again, but I do trust him.

Fast forward to now. These other friends, the ones who sided with me, they've owed me money for a good while now. It's nothing that will make or break me (about $400)

but it's the principle of the thing.

They've told me "Oh we'll give you so much money each month until it's paid off" and a month or two goes by and I dont see anything. I let it slide because I dont want

to be that guy who's constantly asking for his money, but it's getting ridiculous. It has been nearly a year

Back in October I sent them all emails saying what they owed and what it was for and if I was wrong about it to just send me something back and let me know.

I have heard NOTHING back about it after all these months. I even heard from my friend (the EMT) that his cousin was basically pissed that I would send something like

that.

I got the normal "sorry to hear about the death of your grandma" stuff earlier this month, but I've been going mostly ignored.

If I call them out on it, I'm pretty sure I'll look like the bad guy to them, even though they're doing the exact same thing that my other friend did a few years ago

when they sided with me.

Basically, I've already lost alot in the past 7 months. Girlfriend, Job, people that turned out not to be my friends (not the ones I've already talked about,) trust in

these friends i have mentioned, and my grandmother.

And really, if you cant trust someone can you even call them your friend?

Basically, what this is about....have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you handle it? If not, how do you think you would?

Quit giving people money and try to get some friends that aren't from the high school/bar scene.

With friends and family, loans aren't loans...they're gifts. If you expect people to repay you, get them to sign a promissory note or something.

Is this posted somewhere else? I'm starting to read through it but couldn't help but notice the very strange formatting....

EDIT: So I just finished and I'm sorry for your struggles and having to learn the hard way with lending money but WHY ON EARTH would you email them instead of talking about it in person or on the phone that is so impersonal.

Best of luck to you, hope things get better. You should checkout some self-help books, go to a bookstore and find something that appeals to you.

Im definitely not a loaner, at best a few bucks, enough for them to buy a couple gallons of gas if needed. Most of my friends dont need loans, though, either, so that helps. I lost a long time friend because he decided "borrowing" money and not repaying it was more important than friendship. I did loan a good friend a lot of money once and he repaid finally but it took a good while, ever since im not a "loaner" kind of friend.... its not a matter of trust, either, a real friend will find another way of getting money, not bothering a "real" friend...

next time you're over at their place, break something of the approximate value of what they owe you.

lending money to friends can cause the end of friendships very easily. either don't do it, or consider the money a gift and be pleasantly surprised when/if they do pay it back.

I could swear I've read this before.

[quote name='farfus'] its not a matter of trust, either, a real friend will find another way of getting money, not bothering a "real" friend...[/QUOTE]

THIS!! One of my really good friends has been having car issues and has been having to find ways to come up with the money to get their car fixed. Now them being a good friend and all I have offered to help them out (honestly not even expecting to get paid back if it isn't a whole lot), but with them being a real friend they refuse and are simply finding rides to and from work so that the majority of their paycheck can go towards getting the car fixed.

I have an issue with being too nice and being willing to help out friends as well, I just never really expect reimbursement from them since being able to help a friend is always more important than money to me. However, if they had the money to pay me back and I was in a really tight situation on money myself, I would expect them to offer to pay me at least something back since that is what a real friend should do. Anyone you can't trust to do that you would be better off without having as a friend anyways.

Once you loan money it stops being about friendship and becomes a business arrangement. It's best to keep those two things seperate. If you DO decide to give money to friends/family, consider it a gift on your part and don't expect to be repaid. If they repay you, it's a bonus. And don't loan money you really don't want to, or can't afford to, just to be the good guy.

[quote name='LaraCroftsLeftBoob']next time you're over at their place, break something of the approximate value of what they owe you.

lending money to friends can cause the end of friendships very easily. either don't do it, or consider the money a gift and be pleasantly surprised when/if they do pay it back.[/QUOTE]

This x a million and one times over.

Even if you end up with a friend who is salty over the issue until it blows over, it's far better than that feeling of you owe me or I owe you something because friendship (IMO) should never have to work that way. I had my best friend ask for money once and though I felt like the biggest asshole douche in the world for saying no because I had it and probably could have gotten by without it at the time, I knew he would never ever pay me back and I didn't want that hanging over our heads.

You sound like a good friend and it's absolutely admirable that you don't hesitate to help out friends when they come to you so if it's a sticking point that you need to get paid back on things, I'd suggest asking for something in collateral to hold onto until the debt is satisfied. Something like a guitar, videogame console, tv, I don't know. You work it out but it obviously upsets you and is starting to look like you're just getting taken advantage of.

1. Friends who ask to borrow money that often and then not pay it back are NOT your friends.

2. Stop being a fool.

3. See #2

moral of the story: Don't lend friends money.

Neither a borrower, nor a lender be.

[quote name='Number83']Neither a borrower, nor a lender be.[/QUOTE]

That's some good advice right there.

Me and fiance were in a similar pinch with a couple former friends (note the former). You have 2 options:

1) Be the asshole who hounds constantly for repayment, regardless of the amount lent. Never lend again until the previous amount is returned, regardless of the amount lent. This is the road I took. It started fights, but I got my money back.

2) Bring it up sparingly and politely- at least, as politely as you can when trying to collect a debt. This is the road my fiance took. He lost about $700 between the two of them. He now considers it money well spent, to learn who and who not to give cash to.

It's largely safe to say these are not your friends anymore, and you'll be better off as soon as you can cut ties with them altogether. The question is, is the money worth the 'people should always pay back their debts, except for me cuz I don't wanna' attitude you'll be dealing with trying to get it? Decide, and act accordingly.

(I say this assuming that the money in question was, in fact, a loan- meaning it was stated at the time of the exchange, by both parties, that you were to get that amount of money back. If you offer to 'give a couple bucks', and don't say it needs to be returned, it's a gift. I've been in that spot before too.)

1. Never give large amounts of money to friends/family. It just leads to problems.

2. If they are so desperate for a loan. Get a contract signed up, have it notorized. If they dont pay you back by a certain date or in installments. Take them to court.

Go on Judge Judy.

to everyone saying i shouldnt have loaned out the money in the first place, trust me, i've learned my lesson on that one. never again

and it was very much just that, a loan. they knew from the start that it was expected to be paid back

[quote name='keithp']Once you loan money it stops being about friendship and becomes a business arrangement. It's best to keep those two things seperate. If you DO decide to give money to friends/family, consider it a gift on your part and don't expect to be repaid. If they repay you, it's a bonus. And don't loan money you really don't want to, or can't afford to, just to be the good guy.[/QUOTE]


This.

I've unfortunately learned the hard way. Either you make the loan to friends a "gift" up front, or in rare situations you make it a business arrangement, complete with paperwork and signed documents. Otherwise, don't loan to friends; simple as that. Personally, I'd err on the side of caution and don't give out loans to friends at all.

I am like you i will always give cash to people I know for real.But I let them know up front that I am ing serious about getting my money back and if they don't I will get it back.it sounds rough and mean but if i loan someone $400 that's a couple days of hard work right there.

[quote name='Supreme0ne']to everyone saying i shouldnt have loaned out the money in the first place, trust me, i've learned my lesson on that one. never again

and it was very much just that, a loan. they knew from the start that it was expected to be paid back[/QUOTE]

Do you have anything in writing?

[quote name='Number83']Neither a borrower, nor a lender be.[/QUOTE]

"Do not forget---stay out of debt!"

Is there any way you can get into your friends house? If so you might go browsing through their stuff. "Accidentally" place their stuff (ex: video games, electrical equipment, etc.) in your car. "Don't remember" taking the stuff that you found in your car to the nearest pawn shop. "Don't remember" pawning that stuff until that $400 (or whatever they owe you is) cash is in your hand. It's easy!

Unfortunately I've fallen into this same kind of trap...with friends and a family member. However one of the friends (who still owes me) is working hard to pay me back and is giving anything he can to pay me back so that right there is a mark of a good friend.

The family member however still owes me on his loan which is.....well a lot of money and never pays anything unless I drop hints or bug him about it for days...literally days. Suffice to say that he is never going to get money loaned to him for any reason ever again. (it's been about two years now so I think I can count on it NOT being paid off)

The best thing to do is stop being so generous. My brother owes me a few thousand bucks total, and I know I'll never see it, but I gave in to the pressure of the rest of my family saying "Well, he's your brother and you should help him out regardless because he'd do the same for you.." Bullshit.

[quote name='tiredfornow']The best thing to do is stop being so generous. My brother owes me a few thousand bucks total, and I know I'll never see it, but I gave in to the pressure of the rest of my family saying "Well, he's your brother and you should help him out regardless because he'd do the same for you.." Bullshit.[/QUOTE]


exactly.

Call them out, because you are not wrong.

well they finally got in touch with me. one half was nice about it and apologized for the hassle saying that they will give it all once they get their income tax returns

the other half tried to make me out to be the bad guy and feel guilty, saying how their dad is going through cancer treatments and meds are expensive. plus gas to and from the city about 4 times a week is expensive. car insurance. the whole deal. even went as far to say they'll tell dad they cant pay for his cancer treatment next week because they have to pay me back

seriously? who says something like that?

its pretty obvious theyre not your friends although im curious as to how you asked for your money back. i dont loan mney to people because that tends to be one of those things that ruins relationships and friendships. seems like they all pretty much took advantage of you and knew it and never had an real intent to pay you. i can count on my hand the number of people i would loan money to who id know will pay be back and thats the way it should be.

think of it this way you spent 400 bucks to learn who your real friends are in the future dont loan people shit. people can be very shady especially in this economy its definelty getting worse.

[quote name='tiredfornow']The best thing to do is stop being so generous. My brother owes me a few thousand bucks total, and I know I'll never see it, but I gave in to the pressure of the rest of my family saying "Well, he's your brother and you should help him out regardless because he'd do the same for you.." Bullshit.[/QUOTE]

theres nothing worse than family guilt especially when noody else wants to pitch in to help they want you to do it. my family doesnt do that but someone close to me has been dealing with that for years now.

[quote name='Supreme0ne']well they finally got in touch with me. one half was nice about it and apologized for the hassle saying that they will give it all once they get their income tax returns

the other half tried to make me out to be the bad guy and feel guilty, saying how their dad is going through cancer treatments and meds are expensive. plus gas to and from the city about 4 times a week is expensive. car insurance. the whole deal. even went as far to say they'll tell dad they cant pay for his cancer treatment next week because they have to pay me back

seriously? who says something like that?[/QUOTE]



Looks like you're writing that money off. Personally I don't lend to friends nor do I borrow from them in return as I can't stand owing or being owed money.