Legend of Kage 2 Review
Posted 27 September 2011 - 04:49 AM
Legend of Kage 2 is the worst 2D ninja game since Shinobi Legions.
I mean, sure, there's no treesnakes or trainbullets or FMV.
But its got something stank as hellllllll goin on up in there.
The game plays like a PC Engine game, which is to say that it sucks. Your dude doesn't even have a combo to start out with - you just have a single sword swipe that you use again and again and a-fuckin-gain. Then you get a combo, but it sucks. You're like "SWEET 2 HIT COMBO ZOMG SUPER SWEET 16" but then you realize that the combo is slower than fucking Joel trying to answer a math problem, so you'll never, ever, EVER get to use it unless you just stand there like a goon and swing at the air as though your character is pretending to be in a better game.
Also, you jump like a pair of donkey balls. Like, you leap about 500 feet in the air, but you can't really control your direction when you're in the air. So it's sorta like all those shitty Famicom games where your character was a retard and couldn't jump for shit plus a shitty PC Engine action game. Which is fucking annoying, because you're trying to jump into trees (which contain no snakes, thank GAWD) and the controls are so bad that you'll realize it's probably easier to fist a baby than make a jump on your first try.
But it doesn't even fuckin' matter, cuz the game is fuckin' easy. I literally just ran through the first level without jumping once, just mashing the attack button and got through the stage without getting hit. I had to jump once or twice in the second level, but that was easy as hell. Until I got to the grandpa boss with the bigger-than-usual head, which was obnoxious cuz he took like 20 hits to kill. Then I got to the third level, and it was like... more jumping, so it was just annoying as shit for the reasons provided earlier in this treatise.
Also, Kage needs to put on a fucking shirt. That homo.
This game would've been the shit, but it's tough to say anything positive about it in this post-Shinobi III world. So basically, yeah... if this game came out before 1993, when nobody knew how to make a game, it'd probably be okay-ish. Then again, it'd also be called "The Legend of Kage"... as in the original game, which everyone fucking hated. So Taito hasn't learned anything in 25 years.
Japan, I hate you all.
Posted 27 September 2011 - 05:16 AM
you are a pillar of the video game/gaming community.
Thanks you are truly a pillar of the community!
Posted 02 October 2011 - 12:47 AM
Could Shinobi beat Kage in a fight?
A slightly angered housecat could beat Kage in a fight.