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The worst database ever created: emergency room details


#1 speedracer   Banned Banned   3735 Posts   Joined 11.5 Years Ago  

speedracer

Posted 19 January 2010 - 09:41 PM

9,357 pages long of the worst stuff you can possibly imagine. Bonus points for posting extra awful entries.

http://www.sun-senti...erby=anarrative

Nothing beats this one:

Treatment date 8/10/2008
Age 214 (14 months old)
Sex Female
Race Not stated
Narrative PT CRAWLED UNDER THE BED OF A HOTEL ROOM AND CAME OUT WITH A VIBRATOR I N MOUTH POSSIBLE STD EXPOSURE

Jesus H.
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#2 GTmaster39   Wes Wes Ya'll CAGiversary!   1188 Posts   Joined 11.5 Years Ago  

GTmaster39

Posted 19 January 2010 - 09:50 PM

What happened?
Treatment date 7/6/2008
Age 16
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative "DRY HUMPING HIS GIRLFRIEND" W/PENIS RUBBING AGAINST HER JEANS,ACTIVITY WENT ON FOR EXTENDED PERIOD,PENIS STARTED BLEEDING DX: ABRASIONS PENIS


LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Support NGAME.TV / Made a permanent switch to Ubuntu...Feels Good Man.

#3 xycury   there is only one CAGiversary!   4503 Posts   Joined 9.4 Years Ago  

Posted 19 January 2010 - 09:58 PM

Treatment date 4/28/2008
Age 16
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative 1 - 2 DEGREE BURN TO SHIN & INDEX FINGER, PUT GASOLINE IN A POP CAN AND THREW IT INTO BONFIRE. CAN EXPLODED. NO FIRE DEPT INVOLVED.


dumbass

#4 Brownjohn   BAMF CAGiversary!   1986 Posts   Joined 5.8 Years Ago  

Posted 19 January 2010 - 10:07 PM

What happened?
Treatment date 11/9/2008
Age
221
Sex
Male
Race Other
Narrative "MIGHT HAVE SWALLOWED TESTOSTERONE GEL" INGESTION.

ewwwww, testosterone gel...
To each his own.

#5 crunchb3rry   HODOR! CAGiversary!   5524 Posts   Joined 9.1 Years Ago  

crunchb3rry

Posted 19 January 2010 - 10:34 PM

""trying to be iron man" and jumped off of a deck 10ft high. Dx sprain r/l forearm"

#6 Nathan_Sama   I'm backwards compatable. CAGiversary!   1524 Posts   Joined 7.5 Years Ago  

Nathan_Sama

Posted 19 January 2010 - 11:33 PM

Treatment date 8/17/2008 Age 2 Sex Male Race White Narrative `PT STUCK "***" UP NOSE DX;NASAL FOREIGN BODY -- REMOVED


#7 Nathan_Sama   I'm backwards compatable. CAGiversary!   1524 Posts   Joined 7.5 Years Ago  

Nathan_Sama

Posted 19 January 2010 - 11:48 PM

What happened?

Treatment date
8/4/2008

Age 26

Sex
Female

Race
Not stated

Narrative
[T STS HAS NIPPLE PIERCING STS IS NOW INFECTED, DX R PERIORBOTAL CELLULITIS, L BREAST CELLULITIS


#8 The Crotch   I was famous and I was powerful. CAGiversary!   14427 Posts   Joined 8.8 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 12:36 AM

5/4/2008
34
Female
White
+ETOH,PLAYING A GUITAR,STUMBLED,FELL BACKWARD ONTO UNCAPPED BEER BOTTLE ,WHCH CONTACTED PERINEAL AREA [AKA, "the taint"],BOTTLE INTACT DX: COMPLEX VAGINAL LAC

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#9 RedvsBlue  

RedvsBlue

Posted 20 January 2010 - 12:38 AM

If you're male, don't search for penis. You won't make it through 5 without cringing.

#10 The Crotch   I was famous and I was powerful. CAGiversary!   14427 Posts   Joined 8.8 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 12:42 AM

If you're male, don't search for penis.

Not exactly in a habit of doing so anyway, but thanks for the warning...

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#11 darthbudge   The Real DB CAGiversary!   20046 Posts   Joined 9.0 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 12:50 AM

Wow, apparently a LOT of people get their dicks stuck in a zipper and have to go to the ER for it.


#12 RedvsBlue  

RedvsBlue

Posted 20 January 2010 - 12:52 AM

Wow, apparently a LOT of people get their dicks stuck in a zipper and have to go to the ER for it.


I told you not to do it...

#13 Nathan_Sama   I'm backwards compatable. CAGiversary!   1524 Posts   Joined 7.5 Years Ago  

Nathan_Sama

Posted 20 January 2010 - 12:57 AM

Wow, apparently a LOT of people get their dicks stuck in a zipper and have to go to the ER for it.

that, and dropping toilet lids on them


#14 Nathan_Sama   I'm backwards compatable. CAGiversary!   1524 Posts   Joined 7.5 Years Ago  

Nathan_Sama

Posted 20 January 2010 - 12:59 AM

What happened?
Treatment date 10/30/2008
Age 3
Sex Male
Race Not stated
Narrative PT WAS FIGHTING W/ TODDLER COUSIN ABOUT USING THE POTTY CHAIR WHEN COUS IN BIT HIM ON PENIS. HAS LAC TO VENTRAL PENIS. DX PENILE LAC


#15 JolietJake   Banned Banned   20202 Posts   Joined 7.5 Years Ago  

JolietJake

Posted 20 January 2010 - 01:00 AM

5/4/2008
34
Female
White
+ETOH,PLAYING A GUITAR,STUMBLED,FELL BACKWARD ONTO UNCAPPED BEER BOTTLE ,WHCH CONTACTED PERINEAL AREA [AKA, "the taint"],BOTTLE INTACT DX: COMPLEX VAGINAL LAC

:rofl: Damn...

I enjoy the videos and puns posted by Joliet Jake. I think he's almost as funny as my favorite comedian, Dane Cook. Now excuse me while I listen to Fallout Boy's music on their myspace page.


#16 RedvsBlue  

RedvsBlue

Posted 20 January 2010 - 01:05 AM

Here's something fun to think about. These "patients" could be your friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc...

Keep that in mind next time you sit down to do a job interview or give a speech.

#17 Romis   Honor Among CAGS CAGiversary!   1181 Posts   Joined 9.9 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 01:28 AM

What Happened ?: Treatment date 4/16/2008
Age 47
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative PT WAS DOING SOME KINKY MANEUVERS WITH GIRL HE MET, SHE PUT A PLASTIC BOTTLE IN RECTUM, UNABLE TO REMOVE. DX - RECTAL FOREIGN BODY

That sure must have been some Girl, one thing the Dr. sure says it like it is.

#18 billyrox   Old Man CAGiversary!   1988 Posts   Joined 8.1 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 01:31 AM

LOL, my high school buddy is about to start his ER rotation next month. I wonder if he will get a penis Lac patient... hilarious (unless it is u!)

#19 crunchb3rry   HODOR! CAGiversary!   5524 Posts   Joined 9.1 Years Ago  

crunchb3rry

Posted 20 January 2010 - 01:55 AM

that, and dropping toilet lids on them


How short do you have to be to drop a toilet seat on your dick?

#20 SpazX   13 Billion Years in the Making CAGiversary!   8282 Posts   Joined 9.7 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 02:15 AM

How short do you have to be to drop a toilet seat on your dick?


Maybe it's some kind of maneuver where they're trying to sit on the toilet while the seat is still partially up so they take it down with their ass? Stunt shitting?

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#21 SpazX   13 Billion Years in the Making CAGiversary!   8282 Posts   Joined 9.7 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 02:29 AM

Treatment date 2/24/2008 Age 69 Sex Female Race Not stated

Narrative
SAT ONTO A CHAIR FOR COUPLE HOURS READING A BOOK, WENT TO GET UP, DIDN' T FEEL LEG, FELL ASLEEP&FELL TO THE FLOOR LANDING ONTO SHOULDER>>FX


Ah, old people.

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#22 bobo2k4   OooSplendiforous CAGiversary!   3182 Posts   Joined 11.4 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 03:02 AM

64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS

Ah, old people.
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Props to Ozzkev for the sig.

#23 JSP   Return to my Roots CAGiversary!   12015 Posts   Joined 7.9 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 03:11 AM

^Fucking brilliant.
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where scoob


#24 SpazX   13 Billion Years in the Making CAGiversary!   8282 Posts   Joined 9.7 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 03:19 AM

64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS

Ah, old people.


What in god's name was that fantasy?

"She unzips my pants and slowly pulls out by throbbing member. She licks down the shaft and then slowly starts inserting the coat hanger..."

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#25 c0rnpwn   CAGiversary! CAGiversary!   303 Posts   Joined 8.5 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 03:27 AM

What in god's name was that fantasy?

"She unzips my pants and slowly pulls out by throbbing member. She licks down the shaft and then slowly starts inserting the coat hanger..."



Oh god I just got catheter flashbacks...and there was nothing sexual about it. ;|
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#26 necrojustice   is fighting Tyson CAGiversary!   826 Posts   Joined 9.0 Years Ago  

necrojustice

Posted 20 January 2010 - 03:52 AM

Treatment date 7/7/2008
Age 47
Sex Male
Race White
Narrative 47YOM WAS HOME BENDING A *** POLE OF A TENT ,TENT POLE SLIPPED WENT THROUGH PANTS STRIKING PENIS;LACERATION TO PENIS

#27 JolietJake   Banned Banned   20202 Posts   Joined 7.5 Years Ago  

JolietJake

Posted 20 January 2010 - 03:54 AM

Half of these sound like the results of America's Funniest Home Videos.

I enjoy the videos and puns posted by Joliet Jake. I think he's almost as funny as my favorite comedian, Dane Cook. Now excuse me while I listen to Fallout Boy's music on their myspace page.


#28 theloserboy   I am disappoint CAGiversary!   315 Posts   Joined 7.6 Years Ago  

theloserboy

Posted 20 January 2010 - 04:12 AM

Treatment date 4/24/2008
Age
35
Sex
Female
Race
White
Narrative "FAINTED ONTO FLOOR FROM STOOL" - FOUND ON BATHROOM FLOOR PROBABLE SEIZURE

....fainted from a stool....

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#29 c0rnpwn   CAGiversary! CAGiversary!   303 Posts   Joined 8.5 Years Ago  

Posted 20 January 2010 - 05:33 AM

Treatment date 4/24/2008
Age
35
Sex
Female
Race
White
Narrative "FAINTED ONTO FLOOR FROM STOOL" - FOUND ON BATHROOM FLOOR PROBABLE SEIZURE

....fainted from a stool....


Ambiguous! Haha, maybe he was taking a dump?
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#30 Spacepest   Your Tax Dollars At Work CAGiversary!   1210 Posts   Joined 11.0 Years Ago  

Spacepest

Posted 20 January 2010 - 06:28 AM

How short do you have to be to drop a toilet seat on your dick?


I had a relative who was a pediatrician and I remember him telling us that was one of his most common injuries that his male toddler patients came in with.

Little boys learning to use the toilet, I can see how the injury could happen. Adult men...though... WTF? Are they high?
"Videogames...why waste good technology (and $$$ ) on science and medicine?"