I was playing Mario Kart with Vin Diesel.
He was pretty bad at it too. The whole time he would be swearing at me, telling me I was cheating, hitting me, knocking my controller out of my hand, calling time-outs to rest or get a drink or go to the bathroom and and then call time-in when I either wasn't paying attention or not in the room. It was really frustrating, to be completely honest.
The only reason he was over in the first place was because I won some contest to win a day with Vin Diesel. A friend of mine signed me up as a joke and were laughing hysterically when I won. They wanted to hang out with him too, but to spite them I told them we were meeting at a bar on the opposite side of town; we never left my house.
But I kind of regretted it since Vin Diesel kind of sucked to hang around. All he wanted to do was either complain or lift weights. When I suggested we do some drugs he whipped out steroids. We ended up doing steroids all night and I was not happy. That is a boring as hell drug. No excitement whatsoever, so obviously the whole shindig boiled down to us playing Mario Kart in my basement. Thankfully I had bought a Wii from DailySteals, otherwise I would've had to play cards with him. That wouldn't have been so bad if the only kind of card game he could play wasn't War.
Why won't this darn thing work?!?
I had just spent the last hour screaming at my television. I threw everything in sight around the room. I broke a window, a lamp, the coffee table, and the television itself. That was the final straw. My children kept telling me that I was using the wrong remote to control the TV, but I knew they were wrong.
“Daddy! Stop throwing things! You're trying to use the Memorex Wii Motion Plus Controller as a TV remote!” my 5-year old daughter said before I picked up a chair and launched it across the room.
I was on the warpath because I wanted to watch the Orlando Magic face off against the Chicago Bulls at 8:00 PM and I couldn't. This to me is completely legitimate grounds for going on a complete warpath for as long as I feel. I literally tore apart the couch in anger. I threw plates full of food against the walls. I threw our dog out the window. I invited my neighbor over just to yell at him. Once I let off, he asked if I wanted to watch the game at his house. Apparently he had been asking me that the entire time, but I was too distracted shouting.
“Great, you go to the store and get some beer; I'll go get the game set up. Honey,” I said, turning to my wife, “this place looks terrible, could you please clean it up for when I get home? Thanks.”
Whoa, a time capsule!
I was digging a hole with a friend of mine to bury this person we accidentally hit with our van when I stumbled upon a time capsule. I'd never actually seen a time capsule before so this was really cool for me. I was really excited as we took it out of the ground and opened it up. I couldn't believe what was inside!
The first thing I pulled out was the Vaas 3-Speed Turntable. Very cool, I thought, this thing must be old if there's a turntable in here. That used to be the main method of listening to music back in the day. I dug around some more and saw that there were some records in there too! I took everything out and looked at it for a second before passing it to Jake.
“Hey check this out, it's a record! This must be so old!” I said excitedly.
“Merriweather Post Pavillion by Animal Collective. This came out in 2009,” he said flatly, but I wasn't paying attention.
“Whoa, this must be the oldest Snicker's bar ever!”
“It's still good, I'm going to eat this later.”
After checking out all the cool stuff I was way too exhausted to finish burying the body. I figured we could just kick it into the river anyway, it's not like we even knew who this was.
“Wow,” I said in exhale, relaxing back against a tree, “how old do you think this is?”
“Well, this piece of paper here says that Matt, Kyle and Krysten put this here four months ago. I think we should put this back.”
“What are you talking about? This can't be just four months old! There's a turntable in here!”
“Yeah....there's a USB with this thing.”
“Oh. A USB connection? ….well....let's take these records and put them on my computer!”
It started with a walk through the woods.
Taking walks are a great way to clear the mind, or at least that is something Chuck Garmin would tell you. He took walks frequently, sometimes more than once a day, in the wooded area behind his house. He lived in a log cabin on the outskirts of a small town. The proximity to the rest of the town gave him somewhat reclusive tendencies at times, but he made a point to wander down to the main drag a few times a week minimally. Chuck was well-known and well-loved amongst the other townspeople and a few of them would occasionally tag along for his infamous walks. Until, one day, no one ever saw or heard from him again.
Chuck was coming back from a much needed trip to the grocery store. He unpacked his new acquisitions slowly and neatly placed the plastic bags in storage. Finding himself uninterested in eating dinner just yet, he decided to take a stroll outside to work up his appetite.
The light from the waning sun pierced through the trees, creating a mix of shadows and brightness as if the sun was extending invisible shapeless hands through the woods to touch Chuck with a glimpse of warmth. He sat down next to a stream for some time, admiring the soothing noises it made. After getting lost in his thoughts, Chuck felt a tug at his shirt. Turning around, he saw the Motorola Motopure H15 Noise Canceling Bluetooth Headset.
“Well hey there, little guy,” Chuck said with a smile. The Motopure made a motion for Chuck to follow it, which he did.
No one knows where the Motopure took Chuck or what it did to him. Some say you can catch glimpses of him in the woods, but you can't ever catch him. Well, that's not entirely true – one person caught him once. They found the man in a state of shock, crawling from the woods back to the town. A group of people immediately got him in a bed and gave him medical attention, none of which mattered.
“I caught up with Chuck,” he said, barely able to speak. A cascade of questions followed, but the man did not answer any of them.
“I wish I hadn't,” he added before dying on the spot.
We were in need of a DJ.
Everyone had filed into my apartment for the party. I had spent the entire day running around making sure I had enough drinks, guacamole and Blow. I’ve found that if you’re having a party, you can never have enough copies of the movie Blow, starring Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. Each party I throw, I put the movie on every television in the apartment and then give each guest a copy of the film on their way out.
This time, however, I had forgotten one very key aspect of a party: music. It wasn’t until I realized the awkward chatter wasn’t exactly the ambiance I thought I would be hearing that I found that I had completely forgotten to set up some music. All seemed lost until I heard a low rumble followed by “In Da Club” by 50 Cent.
“Oh my God!” one of the guests shrieked. “It’s DJ Roomba!”
I whipped around and, lo and behold, it was DJ Roomba. An iRobot Roomba 581 Automatic Vacuum Cleaning Robot with a music played attached to the top, DJ Roomba scooted around the room, playing tunes to dance to and warming the hearts with absolutely cuteness … as much cuteness as an automatic vacuum cleaner can provide, that is … which is surprisingly kind of a lot.
“Oh, it’s even cleaning the floor!”
I fell into a sleep; a deep, deep sleep.
My yawn was something along the lines of two minutes long, without a doubt the longest I had ever released. I lifted myself off the Home Innovations Memory Foam Comfort Body Pillow and sat up, feeling more rested than I had ever felt in my entire life.
“Whoa, he woke up!” I heard someone say. I looked around and noticed I was inside a glass box.
“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked, suddenly realizing that I was surrounded by people outside the box looking in at me.
“Um …” one person stammered. “You … you’re Sleeping Man … why are you awake?”
“What the heck? Sleeping Man? My name is John Patterson, why am I in here?”
They let me out of the glass box and explained that I had fallen asleep one day and remained so for over a hundred years. During that time I had been turned into a zoo exhibit called Sleeping Man.
“Wow …” I said to myself in disbelief. How was such a thing even possible?
“This must be hard. Is there anything we can do for you?”
“Well, now that you mention it,” I began. “I really have to use the bathroom.”
It was a very strange birthday gift.
My birthday was last week. I didn't ask for anyone to get me anything, but a few people did anyway. To be honest, it was a little embarrassing and I felt a bit like a kid. Oh well, everyone there made it less awkward for me so that was good. The only problem came with one present I got: the Netgear RangeMax DGN3500 Wireless-N Router and DSL Modem.
When I unwrapped the gift, I had no idea what it was. It took a great deal of explaining, which made me feel intensely stupid to the point that I just gave in and lied, saying I understood and thank you so much for the wonderful gift.
After the party was over, the router sat on my table for the longest time. I opened the box and took it out in a failed attempt to figure it out, but still, nothing. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to years, years turned to decades, decades turned to centuries, centuries turned to millennia ... and still, I couldn't figure it out. It just sat on the table, dormant.
One night, I heard a crash coming from downstairs. Panicked, I shot out of bed and hurried to the first floor. With my eyes well-adjusted to the dark, I could see a burglar clearly. I placed my hands on the router firmly, making only the slightest of noises.
“What's that?” I heard him say. With that, I made one quick, forceful move towards him.
“It's the Netgear RangeMax DGN3500 Wireless-N Router and DSL Modem, jerk!” I yelled, smacking him with it on the back of the head.
After all those years, I finally managed to figure out that it was a home security device. I made a mental note to call my friend and thank them again in the morning.
Can you find more that are worth posting?
Edited by Scorch, 18 June 2012 - 01:08 AM.