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Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some 
in’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more in’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the in’ French toast."
So yeah, stolen but whatever.
in’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more in’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the in’ French toast."So yeah, stolen but whatever.
kennistond
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A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"
The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."
The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.
The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win."
The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."
The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."
The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."
After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"
The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?"
The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."
Stolen as well but a great one!
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"
The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."
The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.
The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win."
The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."
The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."
The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."
After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"
The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?"
The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."
Stolen as well but a great one!
snotknocker
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A midget goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the midget staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The midget faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"
In a very weak voice the midget says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The midget says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.
The midget faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"
In a very weak voice the midget says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The midget says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.
T
thwjustin
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Halo 3 Beta( Includes Crackdown!)-Only 60 bucks.
wingeddragon
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A guy plans to buy a house. He wonders why he is getting the house so cheap and the realtor says "Oh its supposed to be haunted, thats why it has sat empty and nobody has bought it."
The guy thinks to himself whatever and decides to move in.
The next day when he arrives at the house and approach the front door he hears a faint sound that sounds like singing. "Wonder what that could be?" the guy says.
He opens the door and the song is a bit louder. He approaches the foot of the stairs and the song is even louder. He now is bit curious and a tiny bit scared. He climbs the stairs and the song grows even louder.
He approaches the bathroom door at the end of the hall and stops in front of it. "Sounds like its coming from in here" he thinks to himself, "maybe i do have a ghost." Calming his nerves he opens the door and in the toilet he sees 8 ants sitting on a turd singing, "when the logs rolls over we all shall die."
The guy thinks to himself whatever and decides to move in.
The next day when he arrives at the house and approach the front door he hears a faint sound that sounds like singing. "Wonder what that could be?" the guy says.
He opens the door and the song is a bit louder. He approaches the foot of the stairs and the song is even louder. He now is bit curious and a tiny bit scared. He climbs the stairs and the song grows even louder.
He approaches the bathroom door at the end of the hall and stops in front of it. "Sounds like its coming from in here" he thinks to himself, "maybe i do have a ghost." Calming his nerves he opens the door and in the toilet he sees 8 ants sitting on a turd singing, "when the logs rolls over we all shall die."
A man from india immigrates to the Good ol US of A and chooses to reside in NYC. He starts a grocery store with waht ever money he has but only knows 3 lines. "Not today, maybe tomorrow." "Only 99 cents." and "Fresh, Fresh very Fresh."
The next day an old woman comes into the grocery store and asks, "how much is this apple" He replies " only 99 cents" she asks how fresh are the red apples are, he says "Fresh fresh very fresh" and she asks if he has green apples, he says "Not today maybe tomorrow"
As the lady leaves the store, a large man walks into the store and pulls out a firearm. He screams "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!" The indian man says, "Only 99 cents." The robber says " ARE YOU ACTING FRESH WITH ME?" The indian man replies "Fresh fresh, very fresh." The robber then asks "MAN DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?!" The indian man replies, "Not today, maybe tomorrow"
The next day an old woman comes into the grocery store and asks, "how much is this apple" He replies " only 99 cents" she asks how fresh are the red apples are, he says "Fresh fresh very fresh" and she asks if he has green apples, he says "Not today maybe tomorrow"
As the lady leaves the store, a large man walks into the store and pulls out a firearm. He screams "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!" The indian man says, "Only 99 cents." The robber says " ARE YOU ACTING FRESH WITH ME?" The indian man replies "Fresh fresh, very fresh." The robber then asks "MAN DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?!" The indian man replies, "Not today, maybe tomorrow"
Driv3r:
8.5/10, 1UP.com
90/100, Playstation Magazine UK
7.5/10, EGM
Gundam: Crossfire
32/40, Famitsu
True Crime
9/10, IGN
Enter the Matrix
8.5/10, Game Informer
50 Cent: Bulletproof
7/10, Eurogamer
Apex
9/10, Eurogamer
"Gears of War is not doing anything extraordinary... on any level" -Eurogamer
8.5/10, 1UP.com
90/100, Playstation Magazine UK
7.5/10, EGM
Gundam: Crossfire
32/40, Famitsu
True Crime
9/10, IGN
Enter the Matrix
8.5/10, Game Informer
50 Cent: Bulletproof
7/10, Eurogamer
Apex
9/10, Eurogamer
"Gears of War is not doing anything extraordinary... on any level" -Eurogamer
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
I should win by default. The joke I posted is the World's funniest joke:
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/index.html
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
I should win by default. The joke I posted is the World's funniest joke:
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/index.html
guynextshore
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So superman was flying around at the speed of light doing his daily heroic business.
When suddenly using his xray vision spots Wonder woman laying on top of a sky scraper's rooftop sun bathing - completely naked.
Being the fastest man in the world, superman decides to swoop down and preform the quickest hump ever so wonder women will never notice.
Meanwhile, wonder woman enjoying herself is suddenly interrupted with a gust of wind followed by an incredible BOOM!
Wonder Woman then says- "What the heck was that?!"
The invisible man thereafter replies - "I don't know but my ass sure hurts alot!"
When suddenly using his xray vision spots Wonder woman laying on top of a sky scraper's rooftop sun bathing - completely naked.
Being the fastest man in the world, superman decides to swoop down and preform the quickest hump ever so wonder women will never notice.
Meanwhile, wonder woman enjoying herself is suddenly interrupted with a gust of wind followed by an incredible BOOM!
Wonder Woman then says- "What the heck was that?!"
The invisible man thereafter replies - "I don't know but my ass sure hurts alot!"
pimpinc333
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5th Grade Joke Right Here:
What's Black, White, and Red all over? A Nun falling down the stairs with a knife!
Thanks for the contest
What's Black, White, and Red all over? A Nun falling down the stairs with a knife!
Thanks for the contest
If World of Warcraft ever hits the 360... the most difficult achievement would be? To keep a healthy relationship with your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend. "You made me lose my powerful sword hun! I want a divorce... what the hell? *Achievemnt unlocked*... let's see... 'You are a loser' OH DAMMIT... and i'm taking the kids with me!"
godhatesjustyou
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So two fishes are in a tank, one fish says to the other, "You know how to drive this thing?"
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King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.
"Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.
Noodle Pirate!
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[quote name='godhatesjustyou']So two fishes are in a tank, one fish says to the other, "You know how to drive this thing?"[/QUOTE]
ROFL
Here's mine.
Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field!!
ROFL
Here's mine.
Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field!!
A Frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
This was borrowed, but:
[SIZE=+1] Three guys were stranded on an island. One day, a magic lamp washed ashore. A magic genie popped out. He said "I'll give each of you one wish."
The 1st man said "I want to go back home"...he disappeared. The 2nd man said "I also want to go home"...he also disappeared. The third man looked around and felt lonely. He said "I want my 2 friends back to keep me company"![/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1] Three guys were stranded on an island. One day, a magic lamp washed ashore. A magic genie popped out. He said "I'll give each of you one wish."
The 1st man said "I want to go back home"...he disappeared. The 2nd man said "I also want to go home"...he also disappeared. The third man looked around and felt lonely. He said "I want my 2 friends back to keep me company"![/SIZE]
This was borrowed:
A man was sitting on the couch watching football when his wife storms in and smacks him in the face with a rolled up newspaper.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks
"I was doing laundry and I found a piece of paper with the name 'Ann-Marie' and a phone number written on it in your pants pocket!" his wife blurts out.
"Oh, hon, that's the name of a horse I was betting on, with the race number, odds, and payoff" he says
The wife blushes, runs over and says she's so sorry for doubting him, and they make up and have passionate love that night.
A week later, the husband was sitting on the couch watching football when his wife storms in, smacks him in the head with a frying pan, and knocks him out cold. An hour later, he comes to.
"What the hell was that for?" he demands
"Your horse just called looking for you" she says
A man was sitting on the couch watching football when his wife storms in and smacks him in the face with a rolled up newspaper.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks
"I was doing laundry and I found a piece of paper with the name 'Ann-Marie' and a phone number written on it in your pants pocket!" his wife blurts out.
"Oh, hon, that's the name of a horse I was betting on, with the race number, odds, and payoff" he says
The wife blushes, runs over and says she's so sorry for doubting him, and they make up and have passionate love that night.
A week later, the husband was sitting on the couch watching football when his wife storms in, smacks him in the head with a frying pan, and knocks him out cold. An hour later, he comes to.
"What the hell was that for?" he demands
"Your horse just called looking for you" she says
A vampire walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks him what he wants, and the vanpire replies "I'll have a cup of blood". "We don't serve blood here", the bartender replies so the vampire takes a beer instead.
The next night, the vampire goes back to the bar and again asks the bartender for blood. "We don't serve blood here.." the bartender said again, so the vampire took a beer instead.
The night after that, the vampire goes back to the bar and sits down. The bartender reminds the vampire that they don't serve blood at this bar and the vampire replies "I know, so I'll have a cup of hot water". Confused, the bartender asks "Why hot water?" and the vampire pulls out a tampon and says"Tea Time"
LOL FTW
The next night, the vampire goes back to the bar and again asks the bartender for blood. "We don't serve blood here.." the bartender said again, so the vampire took a beer instead.
The night after that, the vampire goes back to the bar and sits down. The bartender reminds the vampire that they don't serve blood at this bar and the vampire replies "I know, so I'll have a cup of hot water". Confused, the bartender asks "Why hot water?" and the vampire pulls out a tampon and says"Tea Time"
LOL FTW
omgu8myrice
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borrowed:
-"A blonde complains to her doctor that her whole body is aching. She touches her knee and screams. Then she touches her nose and elbow and screams. "Is it serious?" she asks. "Nah," he replies. "Your finger's just broken."
-What did one old boob say to the other?
"If we don't get some support soon, they're going to think we're nuts!"
-"A blonde complains to her doctor that her whole body is aching. She touches her knee and screams. Then she touches her nose and elbow and screams. "Is it serious?" she asks. "Nah," he replies. "Your finger's just broken."
-What did one old boob say to the other?
"If we don't get some support soon, they're going to think we're nuts!"
PhreQuencYViii
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Penis Tree Noggle!@!!!!
Cormier6083
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A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwhich then shoots the man behind the bar. Someone frantically asks "What the did you do? Why did you do that?" The panda replies "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary". Then the panda left. The man looks in the dictionary. He reads up panda. "[SIZE=-1]large black-and-white herbivorous mammal of bamboo forests of China and Tibet; eats shoots and leaves."
OMFGLMAO
[/SIZE]
did you do? Why did you do that?" The panda replies "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary". Then the panda left. The man looks in the dictionary. He reads up panda. "[SIZE=-1]large black-and-white herbivorous mammal of bamboo forests of China and Tibet; eats shoots and leaves."OMFGLMAO
[/SIZE]
freezedried74
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There's three 4th grade kids playing at recess, an Irish boy, a Jewish boy and a redneck boy. The Irish kid says to the others "let's play the wiener game". The other 2 agree and say "what's the wiener game"? The Irish boy says "all of us have to pull out our wieners and whoever has the biggest one wins". So they pull them out and the Irish and Jewish boy look at the redneck boy in disbelief and declare him the winner.
After school the redneck boy runs home to his mother and proudly tells her about the wiener game at school and how he won by a landslide. His mother then says to him "Honey, you won because you're 23 years old".
After school the redneck boy runs home to his mother and proudly tells her about the wiener game at school and how he won by a landslide. His mother then says to him "Honey, you won because you're 23 years old".
A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week.He is leaving the next day and he still hasn't tried the food.
He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next to him has. It looks very tasty.
The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants what the other man beside him is having. The waiter says there is no more left.
The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that it is the testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that morning. He tells the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save this meal for him.
The tourist thinks, "What the heck, it'll be my last day here," so he comes back the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him when he comes.
The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious. But he is confused about one thing. He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal looked smaller than the meal the other man had the day before.
The waiter replies, "Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins."
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next to him has. It looks very tasty.
The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants what the other man beside him is having. The waiter says there is no more left.
The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that it is the testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that morning. He tells the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save this meal for him.
The tourist thinks, "What the heck, it'll be my last day here," so he comes back the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him when he comes.
The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious. But he is confused about one thing. He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal looked smaller than the meal the other man had the day before.
The waiter replies, "Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins."
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
mrluckypants
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Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Because it was dead.
TheBigBoi
CAGiversary!
This might not win, but what's there to lose?
One day, Jim, Larry, and Mike were driving in a car when they all got into an accident and all three died (unfortunately). All three went to heaven, and were confronted by an angel at the gates.
The angel first approached Jim, and asked him "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" Jim replies "Never. I have always stayed true to our vows, and I'll love her no matter what." The angel looks at him, and believes him. So for his honesty, the angel awards him with a brand new Ferrari to drive around Heaven in.
The angel then approaches Larry, and asks him the same question. "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" Larry admits "I'm not going to lie, and I did cheat on her once while she was out of town, but other than that I stayed loval to her." The angel then forgives him, and gives him a Jeep. Larry accepts that it's not the best of cars, but it's still a nice car none the less.
The angel then approaches Mike, and asks him the same question. "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" Mike, feeling rather ashamed, admits "I have cheated on her about 5 times while I was on business trips, and I am truly sorry." The angel forgives him (seeing as to how it's Heaven) and decides that he will only get a broken-down Pinto to drive around in. Mike accepts that it is an absolutely horrendous car, but he is in heaven none the less.
A few years later, Mike (while driving his Pinto) sees Jim (who had received the Ferrari) pulled over to the side of the road and is crying. Mike gets out and asks him what's the matter. Jim looks up and says "I just saw my wife go by on a pair of roller-skates."
A bit long, but still funny.
One day, Jim, Larry, and Mike were driving in a car when they all got into an accident and all three died (unfortunately). All three went to heaven, and were confronted by an angel at the gates.
The angel first approached Jim, and asked him "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" Jim replies "Never. I have always stayed true to our vows, and I'll love her no matter what." The angel looks at him, and believes him. So for his honesty, the angel awards him with a brand new Ferrari to drive around Heaven in.
The angel then approaches Larry, and asks him the same question. "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" Larry admits "I'm not going to lie, and I did cheat on her once while she was out of town, but other than that I stayed loval to her." The angel then forgives him, and gives him a Jeep. Larry accepts that it's not the best of cars, but it's still a nice car none the less.
The angel then approaches Mike, and asks him the same question. "Have you ever cheated on your wife?" Mike, feeling rather ashamed, admits "I have cheated on her about 5 times while I was on business trips, and I am truly sorry." The angel forgives him (seeing as to how it's Heaven) and decides that he will only get a broken-down Pinto to drive around in. Mike accepts that it is an absolutely horrendous car, but he is in heaven none the less.
A few years later, Mike (while driving his Pinto) sees Jim (who had received the Ferrari) pulled over to the side of the road and is crying. Mike gets out and asks him what's the matter. Jim looks up and says "I just saw my wife go by on a pair of roller-skates."
A bit long, but still funny.
[quote name='coolbrys'] A Frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." [/QUOTE]
What the?
Someone explain why this is so funny..
I googled it and no site explains it..it just says "YOU'RE SINGING IT IN YOUR HEAD, RIGHT?"
What am I supposed to be singing>
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." [/QUOTE]
What the?
Someone explain why this is so funny..
I googled it and no site explains it..it just says "YOU'RE SINGING IT IN YOUR HEAD, RIGHT?"
What am I supposed to be singing>
AlienHeadBoy
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A good joke to ask a woman:
Would you be insulted if a man told you that your hair smelled nice?
What if he was a MIDGET? -lol
Would you be insulted if a man told you that your hair smelled nice?
What if he was a MIDGET? -lol
OpTiMaL
CAGiversary!
[quote name='sarausagi']What the?
Someone explain why this is so funny..
I googled it and no site explains it..it just says "YOU'RE SINGING IT IN YOUR HEAD, RIGHT?"
What am I supposed to be singing>[/QUOTE]
It's based on an old nursery rhyme. Here's more info on it including the nursery rhyme itself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_Old_Man
Notice that what the manager says at the end of the joke is similar to a line from the nursery rhyme.
Someone explain why this is so funny..
I googled it and no site explains it..it just says "YOU'RE SINGING IT IN YOUR HEAD, RIGHT?"
What am I supposed to be singing>[/QUOTE]
It's based on an old nursery rhyme. Here's more info on it including the nursery rhyme itself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_Old_Man
Notice that what the manager says at the end of the joke is similar to a line from the nursery rhyme.
Police joke for ya'
Three P.M.D. Officers* die and go to heaven. They are waiting at the pearly gates and ask Saint Peter to let them in. Peter says, "Well, dont' know. You guys are really corrupt." The P.M.D. Officers plead and explain that they weren't perfect but they are still police officers and deserve to get in. Saint Peter says he still isn't sure they should be let in but he'll go ask God if it's okay. He gets to God and explains their case and how, in fact, even though they were corrupt, they were still police officers. God thinks about it for a second and then tells Saint Peter to go back and let the P.M.D. Officers in. Saint Peter leaves and comes back five minutes later. "Gone!," Peter exclaims. "What, they just left?," asks God. "Yes," says Saint Peter, "and they took the pearly gates with them!"
*P.M.D., Public Morals Division, handles illegal gambling, prositution, etc. This division is known to be the most corrupt.
**It really is funny if you know anything about the corruption of P.M.D. Makes Rampart look like school boys!
Three P.M.D. Officers* die and go to heaven. They are waiting at the pearly gates and ask Saint Peter to let them in. Peter says, "Well, dont' know. You guys are really corrupt." The P.M.D. Officers plead and explain that they weren't perfect but they are still police officers and deserve to get in. Saint Peter says he still isn't sure they should be let in but he'll go ask God if it's okay. He gets to God and explains their case and how, in fact, even though they were corrupt, they were still police officers. God thinks about it for a second and then tells Saint Peter to go back and let the P.M.D. Officers in. Saint Peter leaves and comes back five minutes later. "Gone!," Peter exclaims. "What, they just left?," asks God. "Yes," says Saint Peter, "and they took the pearly gates with them!"
*P.M.D., Public Morals Division, handles illegal gambling, prositution, etc. This division is known to be the most corrupt.
**It really is funny if you know anything about the corruption of P.M.D. Makes Rampart look like school boys!
A man who is dying from lung cancer continues to go around telling his friends and family that he is dying from aids. His daughter knowing the truth asked " Dad why are you saying that you are dying of aids? " His response was, " So that no one will sleep with your mom.."
stainremover
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hopefully i'll get lucky and you like statistics! (HA UNLIKELY)
How many statisticians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But then you're only 95% confident it's been changed.
How many theoretical computer scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No-one has an exact number. But it's the same complexity class as taking out the garbage.
How many probabilists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One minus the number it takes to unscrew it.
How many statisticians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But then you're only 95% confident it's been changed.
How many theoretical computer scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No-one has an exact number. But it's the same complexity class as taking out the garbage.
How many probabilists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One minus the number it takes to unscrew it.
Meursault does care about his mother. Even if he hated his mother he would still feel something after her death. Meursault's personal character prevents him from expressing any strong emotions. The reader must infer what a character is thinking but the reader can never know what a character is actually thinking unless the author imposes a mind reading technique in order to allow the reader to "read" Meursault thoughts. It is not written in stone that any character must show an emotion at any given point in time. Some people prefer not to show any emotions whatsoever but they have their reasoning. There is no internet emoticon available to express what I am currently feeling towards this post. '()---->comes close. A reader can not expect to see every emotion a character is expressing r , if that were the case then an author/publisher would implement all sorts of emoticons into the work like -->
( I am happy) ; ( ( I am sad ) ~ ' ( ( I just soiled myself). This is probably not the case; Meursault will most likely jump for joy in the next few chapters especially if any sexual tension arises (raawr.)
Meursault might seem like a crazy cat but who isn't these days . With the introduction of "emos" , "punkers" , "G's" and " Jessica Simpson's sister" people do all sorts of unusual things that have not become socially acceptable but no one is roundhouse kicking their faces to stop them(Chuck Norris is currently working on it but even he can't be present in all time zones. Although, Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."). Meursault might not seem normal but you can't change that; people will do and act however they please. Instead of looking at a character's flaws look at their virtues; Meursault is probably a well groomed man or a genuine nerd.
Current NEWS FLASH! -- The surge of 20,000 troops is the yummy frosting on the sweet sweet Iraq cake.
'()---->comes close. A reader can not expect to see every emotion a character is expressing r , if that were the case then an author/publisher would implement all sorts of emoticons into the work like -->
Meursault might seem like a crazy cat but who isn't these days . With the introduction of "emos" , "punkers" , "G's" and " Jessica Simpson's sister" people do all sorts of unusual things that have not become socially acceptable but no one is roundhouse kicking their faces to stop them(Chuck Norris is currently working on it but even he can't be present in all time zones. Although, Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."). Meursault might not seem normal but you can't change that; people will do and act however they please. Instead of looking at a character's flaws look at their virtues; Meursault is probably a well groomed man or a genuine nerd.
Current NEWS FLASH! -- The surge of 20,000 troops is the yummy frosting on the sweet sweet Iraq cake.
Sn0brawler
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A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest; you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. The rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest; you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his cocaine, then tosses it and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest; you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and beats the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they ask, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That littleer makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. The rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest; you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his cocaine, then tosses it and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest; you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and beats the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they ask, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little
er makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Man am I glad you are having this contest! I've had a 360 but have been too cheap to get a live sub... I know I know I'm missing out haha Anyway, here's my entry!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Thanks for the contest!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Thanks for the contest!
Friend of Sonic
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HRCTurboRS
CAG Veteran
ok ok here's my shot.....
What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies???
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"Watch this!!!"
What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies???
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"Watch this!!!"
It's 1967, and three best friends, Bob, Jim, and Scott, enlist in the army together to avoid being drafted and separated. All three coplete basic training together and are assigned to the same platoon in Vietnam. Once the get to Vietnam, they make a pact that no matter what happends or where life leads them, they will all sit down in a bar at 8pm on friday night and have a beer. If any of them dont make it back, the others will drink a beer for him.
When they get to vietnam, all three are put right to the front of battle. On only the second day, Scott gets hit by a sniper and dies in the field. About 4 months later, Jim steps on a mine while out on lead. Bob finishes the rest of his tour of duty, and goes home to live his life. And just like he promised his friends, he goes down to the local bar at 8 every friday night and has three beers, never says a word to anyone, and then leaves.
One night, Bob comes into the bar and this time only orders two beers. The bartender get him his beers and says 'Is it OK if I ask you a question?'
"Go ahead", Bob says.
'You've been comming in here every Friday night for almost 40 years now. You order three beers, never say anything to anyone, drink them then leave. And now you come in and order two beers. What gives?"
Bob looks up from his glass and with a tear in his eye, tell the story of him, Jim and Scott, the pact they made, and what happened in Vietnam.
The bartender listens attentively and admires Bob for being so dedicated to the pact he made. But he asks again, why just two beers?
Bob says, 'Well, I just became a Mormon and gave up drinking beer.'
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Ok , I thought it was funny
When they get to vietnam, all three are put right to the front of battle. On only the second day, Scott gets hit by a sniper and dies in the field. About 4 months later, Jim steps on a mine while out on lead. Bob finishes the rest of his tour of duty, and goes home to live his life. And just like he promised his friends, he goes down to the local bar at 8 every friday night and has three beers, never says a word to anyone, and then leaves.
One night, Bob comes into the bar and this time only orders two beers. The bartender get him his beers and says 'Is it OK if I ask you a question?'
"Go ahead", Bob says.
'You've been comming in here every Friday night for almost 40 years now. You order three beers, never say anything to anyone, drink them then leave. And now you come in and order two beers. What gives?"
Bob looks up from his glass and with a tear in his eye, tell the story of him, Jim and Scott, the pact they made, and what happened in Vietnam.
The bartender listens attentively and admires Bob for being so dedicated to the pact he made. But he asks again, why just two beers?
Bob says, 'Well, I just became a Mormon and gave up drinking beer.'
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Ok , I thought it was funny
DemonAlcohol
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A woman is sitting at a bar, drinking and depressed. A man walks in and sits next to her. He, too, is drinking and depressed. After a time, the man asks the woman, "What are you so depressed about?"
She says, "My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky."
He says, "Really? My wife left me because she thought I was too kinky!"
They order another drink and she says to him, "Hey listen, we're both adults here, and it looks like we might have a little something in common... what do you say we go back to my place and see what happens?"
He says, "Sounds like a great idea!". And they finish thier drinks and leave.
When they get to her place, she excuses herself to get into something more comfortable. She puts on some black leather boots with six-inch heels, a leather miniskirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar, and a leather hood. She grabs a saddle and some handcuffs and saunters seductively out to the living room where she sees the guy putting on his coat and hat and heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" she asks. "I thought we were going to get kinky?"
"Hey", he says, "Ied your dog, I shit in your purse....I'm outta here!"
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Here's another:
An old man and a lady are shopping in the mall one day. They've been there quite awhile when the lady wants to go into a woman's clothing store. The old man says he'll wait outside and sits on a nearby bench.
Soon a teenager comes and sits down next to the old man. He's got a mowhawk that's multicolored. Green, yellow, red, blue, almost every color of the rainbow. The teenager notices the old man staring at him and says, "What's the matter gramps? Never done anything wild in your life?"
"Oh yea," the old man says, "Ied a peacock once, I was just wondering if you were my son."
She says, "My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky."
He says, "Really? My wife left me because she thought I was too kinky!"
They order another drink and she says to him, "Hey listen, we're both adults here, and it looks like we might have a little something in common... what do you say we go back to my place and see what happens?"
He says, "Sounds like a great idea!". And they finish thier drinks and leave.
When they get to her place, she excuses herself to get into something more comfortable. She puts on some black leather boots with six-inch heels, a leather miniskirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar, and a leather hood. She grabs a saddle and some handcuffs and saunters seductively out to the living room where she sees the guy putting on his coat and hat and heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" she asks. "I thought we were going to get kinky?"
"Hey", he says, "I
ed your dog, I shit in your purse....I'm outta here!"--------------------------------
Here's another:
An old man and a lady are shopping in the mall one day. They've been there quite awhile when the lady wants to go into a woman's clothing store. The old man says he'll wait outside and sits on a nearby bench.
Soon a teenager comes and sits down next to the old man. He's got a mowhawk that's multicolored. Green, yellow, red, blue, almost every color of the rainbow. The teenager notices the old man staring at him and says, "What's the matter gramps? Never done anything wild in your life?"
"Oh yea," the old man says, "I
ed a peacock once, I was just wondering if you were my son."
A reporter is interviewing an old farmer in Arkansas and asks him for a funny story.
The man thinks for a minute, and then begins with a drawl accent:
“Well, a few days ago, Billy Joe lost his sheep in the woods, so we found it,ed it, and brought it home."
“My god!” the reporter exclaims. “I can’t print that in a respectable paper... Do you have any other stories?”
“Well, a couple weeks ago, Bobby Ray lost his daughter in the woods, so we found her,ed her, and brought her home."
"Are youin' kidding me? That shit is completely unacceptable!" the journalist shouted, but still trying to find a way to squeeze a story out of the bumpkin, he pressured on: "Has anything... sad happened around here recently?"
The redneck's eyes started to well up and he began to hang his head in shame. “Well," he stammered,"...about a month ago... I ...got lost in the woods…”
The man thinks for a minute, and then begins with a drawl accent:
“Well, a few days ago, Billy Joe lost his sheep in the woods, so we found it,
ed it, and brought it home."“My god!” the reporter exclaims. “I can’t print that in a respectable paper... Do you have any other stories?”
“Well, a couple weeks ago, Bobby Ray lost his daughter in the woods, so we found her,
ed her, and brought her home.""Are you
in' kidding me? That shit is completely unacceptable!" the journalist shouted, but still trying to find a way to squeeze a story out of the bumpkin, he pressured on: "Has anything... sad happened around here recently?"The redneck's eyes started to well up and he began to hang his head in shame. “Well," he stammered,"...about a month ago... I ...got lost in the woods…”
bread's done