George W Bush is the new elected Pope!

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George W. Bush Elected Pope!
Catholic Cardinals Stunned!

Reported by Willie E. Davis

The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to choose a
successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and expressed
amazement. Cardinal Mohoney, the Vatican spokesperson, had this to say:

"We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our votes using these new
electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly favored George W.
Bush over all the Catholic candidates. The last Pope, John Paul, was a
superb linguist, fluently speaking 11 languages, this one can't speak
fluently in one language. We just don't know what to say."

The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as
President of the world tomorrow morning, when "W" travels to Rome to begin
his duties as Pope.

George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose Garden:

"I am honored to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War Pope. I
promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike that I will be embodied
in salvation and fair in the performance of my duties. I am a Unitifier, not
a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as many lost souls as I can,
at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls, as it is well known that Heaven is
a very select place, indeed, it is more exclusive than even the best of
country clubs. It is a members only Heaven. I may have to put a fence around
it.

"I will preform miracles in a fair and balanced manner. Just as God used to
wipe out entire races of people without warning, burning whole towns of
perverts, killing off an entire nations, and drowning everybody without a
ticket to board Noah's Ark, I shall deliver the world from Evil Empires as I
unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of Revelations.

"I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased family
members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not allow those awful
Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I will put and end to the
clergy marrying choirboys.

I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed heathens,
demon-possessed voodoo-hoodoo, barbarians whose Pseudo-religions that don't
accept Christ as the Light of Democracy, and who worship fake, made-up gods.
They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them with
my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for eternity in Hell,
because Me and God don't take no prisoners!

Remember, it is written in the Gospel of Luke, or.... maybe it's Larry,
ugh, 12, ugh, 5 or something, that Jesus told us we are to live our lives in
FEAR of God and the Terrorists, for God and the Terrorists have the power
not only to kill us, but to torture us forever in Hell.

And to you Non Believers and Democrats, I say, I can't wait to see you burn
in Hell, I mean it.....I can't wait!!!"
 
First war time pope? What about all the old war time popes?

And snowball? Nelson? Yoda? And all the other pets I've had that weren't purebred? Why don't I get to see them?

Ah, fuck it. I'm going to hell anyway. Chains, whips and orgies, OH MY!!
 
[quote name='zionoverfire']Just so long as you can't be president and Pope at the same time.;)[/QUOTE]

I'd think it would be better for him to be president. He'd be gone in a couple years, while Pope is for life.
 
[quote name='KingSpike']I'd think it would be better for him to be president. He'd be gone in a couple years, while Pope is for life.[/QUOTE]

But I'm not Catholic. :mrgreen:
 
[quote name='zionoverfire']But I'm not Catholic. :mrgreen:[/QUOTE]

Neither am I, but it would still be worse =P Have him get out of authority positions as soon as possible ;)
 
[quote name='KingSpike']Neither am I, but it would still be worse =P Have him get out of authority positions as soon as possible ;)[/QUOTE]

I don't know, I think I might rather enjoy watching the results of his leadership... when it's not in a country I inhabit.
 
If orgies are evil, and get us sent to hell, where they do evil things to us, wouldn't that mean its just one big orgy down there?
 
[quote name='chaostic_2k1']If orgies are evil, and get us sent to hell, where they do evil things to us, wouldn't that mean its just one big orgy down there?[/QUOTE]

Ah but there is one fault in your logic:

If we have orgies for a long time, but then repent and become a born again Christian we get to go to Heaven, even if we didn't really mean it.:D
 
I don't know, I think I might rather enjoy watching the results of his leadership... when it's not in a country I inhabit.
Click to expand...

See, that's the thing. If Bush right now became the Pope, then it would divide Catholics everywhere. American Catholics would be divided because some love Bush while others hate him (oh I'm sure there are a couple middle grounders as well). America is already divided from the rest of the world. Latin American Catholicism, European Catholicism and American Catholicism are all very different. Americans are obsessed with freedom and think that their voice should count in the Church. The Church has reminded them before that it is not a democracy...but hey that doesn't stop people. Latin America is poorer than America (duh) and that affects the religious lives of the people. If you don't have to worry about where your next meal is coming from you don't need to ask God for it. And both of these are different from European Catholics.

Throwing Bush in to the fray as leader...well that would just screw things up even more =P Think of the media coverage when Pope John Paul II died. Now imagine what the coverage would be like with Bush being Pope. We'd never hear anything but Pope Bush coverage.

You know, Bush would have to take on a new name. I wonder what he would choose?
 
[quote name='zionoverfire']Ah but there is one fault in your logic:

If we have orgies for a long time, but then repent and become a born again Christian we get to go to Heaven, even if we didn't really mean it.:D[/QUOTE]

And there's a HUGE fault in your logic.

If you repent then you mean it. Repenting is not saying "I'm sorry" whether you mean it or not. Repenting is "turning around." It's saying "Gee, I really was a dick and I want to fix this."

So if you did whatever the hell you wanted all your life, and on your deathbed said "Oh, and I'm sorry" but didn't mean it...yeah that won't fly.

Well, this assumes that God would bar you from Heaven and send you to hell for living a sinful life. But no one but God knows that ;)
 
[quote name='KingSpike']And there's a HUGE fault in your logic.

If you repent then you mean it. Repenting is not saying "I'm sorry" whether you mean it or not. Repenting is "turning around." It's saying "Gee, I really was a dick and I want to fix this."

So if you did whatever the hell you wanted all your life, and on your deathbed said "Oh, and I'm sorry" but didn't mean it...yeah that won't fly.

Well, this assumes that God would bar you from Heaven and send you to hell for living a sinful life. But no one but God knows that ;)[/QUOTE]

I do hope you didn't actually take that seriously, it's difficult to tell with newbies. I was mearly trying to draw comparisons between el presidente and sinners.
 
Oh, I was mostly joking =P Not jumping on you at all, just explaining.

It sure would be nice if you could do that though. Have rampant orgies for 80 years then say "Uh...yeah whoops?"
 
I know this is just a joke topic but in case some people are worried... Bush cannot become pope.

Reasons why he can't become pope:

He's wasn't baptized in the Catholic church.
He's not Catholic.
He's married.
He's not fluent in Italian and it's debatable if he's fluent in English and both of which are required to become pope.

Just some of the reasons.
 
[quote name='KingSpike']Oh, I was mostly joking =P Not jumping on you at all, just explaining.

It sure would be nice if you could do that though. Have rampant orgies for 80 years then say "Uh...yeah whoops?"[/QUOTE]

Well our president seems to have gotten away with it, at least in the eyes of far to many americans.
 
[quote name='Collectordragon']I know this is just a joke topic but in case some people are worried... Bush cannot become pope.

Reasons why he can't become pope:

He's wasn't baptized in the Catholic church.
He's not Catholic.
He's married.
He's not fluent in Italian and it's debatable if he's fluent in English and both of which are required to become pope.

Just some of the reasons.[/QUOTE]

He's also not a cardinal.
He's also American. There's no way in hell an American will be a Pope for a looooooooong time. I'm sure that some day (assuming that the world and Catholicism don't end in the next couple hundred years) an American will at least be considered. But right now? No way.

Well our president seems to have gotten away with it, at least in the eyes of far to many americans.
Click to expand...

True, but the opinions of humans don't really count when it comes to getting in to Heaven.

Also, just because I feel an odd urge to say this: I am a Christian, and a religious studies major. I am going to a Catholic university (Gonzaga) and I went to a Catholic high school (Regis Jesuit in Aurora, CO). However, I'm moderate with a left lean and I'm certainly not a religious fundamentalist ;)

So in other words, I'm Christian but not crazy =P
 
[quote name='KingSpike']
True, but the opinions of humans don't really count when it comes to getting in to Heaven.

Also, just because I feel an odd urge to say this: I am a Christian, and a religious studies major. I am going to a Catholic university (Gonzaga) and I went to a Catholic high school (Regis Jesuit in Aurora, CO). However, I'm moderate with a left lean and I'm certainly not a religious fundamentalist ;)

So in other words, I'm Christian but not crazy =P[/QUOTE]

Well doesn't that just make you extra special!:lol:

But I think I'll leave the religious discussion now before I shit on another couple billion people.:D
 
[quote name='KingSpike']He's also not a cardinal.[/QUOTE]

Actually, I heard that any man baptized in the Catholic church could hypothetically become pope even if he wasn't a priest. In practice it's only cardinals of course.
 
[quote name='zionoverfire']Well doesn't that just make you extra special!:lol:

But I think I'll leave the religious discussion now before I shit on another couple billion people.:D[/QUOTE]

Hey, I just said it because I've had people think I'm insane before I say more than a sentence =P

Actually I heard that any man baptized in the Catholic church could hypothetically become pope even if wasn't a priest. In practice it's only cardinals of course.
Click to expand...

Hmm...maybe. That sounds familiar. They go for the holiest guy, so an average Catholic probably wouldn't cut it. But yeah, they usually only go for cardinals.
 
[quote name='KingSpike']Hey, I just said it because I've had people think I'm insane before I say more than a sentence =P
[/QUOTE]

Don't worry I only assumed you were crazy after I heard you went to Gonzaga.;)
 
[quote name='KingSpike']Hey, I just said it because I've had people think I'm insane before I say more than a sentence =P



Hmm...maybe. That sounds familiar. They go for the holiest guy, so an average Catholic probably wouldn't cut it. But yeah, they usually only go for cardinals.[/QUOTE]

It's kind of like our presidential election. In theory you're eligible to become president as long as you're a U.S. born citizen and at least 35. But very few people out of the millions of Americans who qualify would have the money, connections, etc to stand a chance or even be able to run in the first place.
 
[quote name='KingSpike']Oh, I was mostly joking =P Not jumping on you at all, just explaining.

It sure would be nice if you could do that though. Have rampant orgies for 80 years then say "Uh...yeah whoops?"[/QUOTE]

My 7th grade religious teacher believed you could. I remember asking her if she thought that if hitler had repented right before he died if god would accept that and he'd go to heaven, she said yes.
 
[quote name='KingSpike']
True, but the opinions of humans don't really count when it comes to getting in to Heaven. [/QUOTE]

I think it might according to the bible. I remember reading in it that if you follow the church you will go to heaven, though I'm not sure which part of the new testament it was in. Now the leaders of the church I'm sure could go to hell (and many past popes would belong there), since they set the rules, but the followers I would assume would be excused if they were following the church. But that may be contradicted elsewhere, like practically everything is.
 
[quote name='alonzomourning23']I think it might according to the bible. I remember reading in it that if you follow the church you will go to heaven, though I'm not sure which part of the new testament it was in. Now the leaders of the church I'm sure could go to hell (and many past popes would belong there), since they set the rules, but the followers I would assume would be excused if they were following the church. But that may be contradicted elsewhere, like practically everything is.[/QUOTE]

Well...kind of. The Bible says a lot of things about getting in to Heaven, but it also says that God is the only one that knows. I'll try to find the actual verse so it doesn't look like I'm blowing smoke ;)

My 7th grade religious teacher believed you could. I remember asking her if she thought that if hitler had repented right before he died if god would accept that and he'd go to heaven, she said yes.
Click to expand...

Well, what I meant was if you said "oh whoops" but didn't mean it. If you actually meant it, then that would probably affect things more than not meaning it ;)
 
[quote name='alonzomourning23']I think it might according to the bible. I remember reading in it that if you follow the church you will go to heaven, though I'm not sure which part of the new testament it was in. Now the leaders of the church I'm sure could go to hell (and many past popes would belong there), since they set the rules, but the followers I would assume would be excused if they were following the church. But that may be contradicted elsewhere, like practically everything is.[/QUOTE]

I believe you are refering to Matthew 16:19

I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven
 
Wait... This is a joke?

I was looking forward to Armageddon. Ah well. I'll just watch the movie again, that Ben Affleck is dreamy.
 
lets just say bush would have a well bullet ridden popemobile if he were to become a pope, armageddon would officially begin
 
[quote name='Ozzkev55']lets just say bush would have a well bullet ridden popemobile if he were to become a pope, armageddon would officially begin[/QUOTE]

If Bush became pope, the catholic church would no longer exist.
 
[quote name='JSweeney']If Bush became pope, the catholic church would no longer exist.[/QUOTE]
1.thou shalt not kill, unless its animals, or non-republicans
2.thou shalt not attend school for english, cuz thads jus stoopid
3.thou shalt accep everything i say or else
4.thou shalt no do drugs, unless it is in my honor
4.thou shalt not fight in wars if rich

and abide by the book of armaments, verses 13 through 21
 
[quote name='Ozzkev55']1.thou shalt not kill, unless its animals, or non-republicans
2.thou shalt not attend school for english, cuz thads jus stoopid
3.thou shalt accep everything i say or else
4.thou shalt no do drugs, unless it is in my honor
4.thou shalt not fight in wars if rich

and abide by the book of armaments, verses 13 through 21[/QUOTE]

No, you see, if Bush were pope, that means that there would have be no qualified person to be the pope. The first requirement to be pope is to be Catholic.
As Bush is not Catholic, if he were pope, the Catholic church must not exist, as a church cannot exist without followers.
 
[quote name='JSweeney']No, you see, if Bush were pope, that means that there would have be no qualified person to be the pope. The first requirement to be pope is to be Catholic.
As Bush is not Catholic, if he were pope, the Catholic church must not exist, as a church cannot exist without followers.[/QUOTE]

Can't argue with those facts.

:hot::hot::hot::hot::hot:
 
[quote name='JSweeney']No, you see, if Bush were pope, that means that there would have be no qualified person to be the pope. The first requirement to be pope is to be Catholic.
As Bush is not Catholic, if he were pope, the Catholic church must not exist, as a church cannot exist without followers.[/QUOTE]
unless they had a merger, protestaholics
 
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