PittsburghAfterDark
CAGiversary!
Your daughter is made captain of the cheerleader team finds the uniforms sexist and changes them to pantsuits and her hot new cheer is “Violent contests of masculinity are no way to prove superiority!”
You enter your son’s room and he rapidly covers himself in sheets, tosses his Playboy in the corner and contends you’re interrupting his safe alternative to intercourse.
Your kid is constantly coming home with a bloody nose and split lip yet refuses to acknowledge a problem as challenging a bully will only create new bullies.
Your kid supports the child with the KKK parent who’s been attending cross burnings since he could walk as head of the “Diversity Committee” on student council and hails them as “The Conscience of the Student Senate”.
Your kid is in a class with some of the school’s best and brightest who constantly achieve incredible grades yet decries the concentration of “A”’s in the top 10% of the academic class.
Your kid comes home from driver’s education and tells you they know the best way to handle a car going off a bridge, submerging underwater and killing a female passenger is to go home, sleep it off and inform the cops in the morning they may know something about the incident.
Your kid loves the prom king and queen's arrangement where they can see other people if they can continue their loving front that will keep them the most popular kids in class if she remains in the "in crowd".
Permanent files of other students show up in the residence of the student body president and his girlfriend maintains she has no idea how they got there. Your son denies either one of them hired Craig Livingstone.
Your daughter comes home from biology class after frog dissection day after failing the exercise and declares that life is sacred and she won’t be a consumer of the animal cruelty industry then asks you for a ride to Planned Parenthood.
Despite the overwhelming majority of kids having parents who send them to school with healthy, nutritious and filling meals your kid decries that school lunch vouchers are going unclaimed and demands the school administration advertise they are available.
Your kid maintains they have friends of all races, creeds and religions yet in organizing the school play in a school with 10% blacks, 4% Jews, 8% Hispanics, 52% female makeup of the student body is shocked that you would challenge their sensitivity despite not one black, Jew, Hispanic or female making the cast of Romeo and Juliet. However Juliet is beginning his/her hormone injections before rehearsal’s beginning.
Your kid’s rich friend is always complaining about the horrible capitalistic society we live in where people aren’t allowed to negotiate living wages when they’re hired and it’s unfair that there hasn’t been a minimum wage increase in 10 years yet said nothing when his father fired Jose and Manuel from their landscaping jobs for $3.50 an hour on his property because they weren’t getting the job done fast enough.
Your kid comes home fuming and absolutely outraged from learning about how children her age are working for $2 a day making designer shoes, handbags and clothes then asks for $500 to get a pair of Nikes, Gucci bag and Tommy Hilfiger jeans for the school picnic.
Your kid and his friends are put in charge of the school bake sale, eat all the cookies during nap time and their defense is the subject is too sensitive to discuss in front of kids who did all the baking and the matter should just be dropped in the name of school morale.
Your son knows the kid who got an erection in the shower after gym class and hails him for his openness, fortitude and bravery in expressing his sexual preference in as frank and open manner for all to see and celebrate.
Your daughter’s best girlfriend has a graphic sexual video of her posted on myspace.com and is complimented by her for her riveting and engaging performances of raw, unadulterated displays of adolescent sexuality.
Your kid hates the football team and all it “represents” while being a member of the band and the student body yet when the star player suffers a debilitating injury befriends him and asks him to be a campaigner for increased music funding now that he can no longer play.
Your kid comes home from school railing against the founding fathers and how white racism enslaved a people, destroyed native cultures but loves getting off on Columbus Day and President’s Day.
You daughter hates all corporations, capitalism, mocks your job and company but spends hours at Starbucks blogging on their Power Book, listening to iTunes and flaunting their new Manolo Blanhik’s to her girlfriends before driving home in mom's Porsche Cayenne.
Your daughter denigrates you for supporting “just 5” kids for the Christian Children’s Fund then after dinner tells you what kind of birthday party she thinks you need to throw her so she’s seriously considered for MTV’s “My Sweet 16”.
You enter your son’s room and he rapidly covers himself in sheets, tosses his Playboy in the corner and contends you’re interrupting his safe alternative to intercourse.
Your kid is constantly coming home with a bloody nose and split lip yet refuses to acknowledge a problem as challenging a bully will only create new bullies.
Your kid supports the child with the KKK parent who’s been attending cross burnings since he could walk as head of the “Diversity Committee” on student council and hails them as “The Conscience of the Student Senate”.
Your kid is in a class with some of the school’s best and brightest who constantly achieve incredible grades yet decries the concentration of “A”’s in the top 10% of the academic class.
Your kid comes home from driver’s education and tells you they know the best way to handle a car going off a bridge, submerging underwater and killing a female passenger is to go home, sleep it off and inform the cops in the morning they may know something about the incident.
Your kid loves the prom king and queen's arrangement where they can see other people if they can continue their loving front that will keep them the most popular kids in class if she remains in the "in crowd".
Permanent files of other students show up in the residence of the student body president and his girlfriend maintains she has no idea how they got there. Your son denies either one of them hired Craig Livingstone.
Your daughter comes home from biology class after frog dissection day after failing the exercise and declares that life is sacred and she won’t be a consumer of the animal cruelty industry then asks you for a ride to Planned Parenthood.
Despite the overwhelming majority of kids having parents who send them to school with healthy, nutritious and filling meals your kid decries that school lunch vouchers are going unclaimed and demands the school administration advertise they are available.
Your kid maintains they have friends of all races, creeds and religions yet in organizing the school play in a school with 10% blacks, 4% Jews, 8% Hispanics, 52% female makeup of the student body is shocked that you would challenge their sensitivity despite not one black, Jew, Hispanic or female making the cast of Romeo and Juliet. However Juliet is beginning his/her hormone injections before rehearsal’s beginning.
Your kid’s rich friend is always complaining about the horrible capitalistic society we live in where people aren’t allowed to negotiate living wages when they’re hired and it’s unfair that there hasn’t been a minimum wage increase in 10 years yet said nothing when his father fired Jose and Manuel from their landscaping jobs for $3.50 an hour on his property because they weren’t getting the job done fast enough.
Your kid comes home fuming and absolutely outraged from learning about how children her age are working for $2 a day making designer shoes, handbags and clothes then asks for $500 to get a pair of Nikes, Gucci bag and Tommy Hilfiger jeans for the school picnic.
Your kid and his friends are put in charge of the school bake sale, eat all the cookies during nap time and their defense is the subject is too sensitive to discuss in front of kids who did all the baking and the matter should just be dropped in the name of school morale.
Your son knows the kid who got an erection in the shower after gym class and hails him for his openness, fortitude and bravery in expressing his sexual preference in as frank and open manner for all to see and celebrate.
Your daughter’s best girlfriend has a graphic sexual video of her posted on myspace.com and is complimented by her for her riveting and engaging performances of raw, unadulterated displays of adolescent sexuality.
Your kid hates the football team and all it “represents” while being a member of the band and the student body yet when the star player suffers a debilitating injury befriends him and asks him to be a campaigner for increased music funding now that he can no longer play.
Your kid comes home from school railing against the founding fathers and how white racism enslaved a people, destroyed native cultures but loves getting off on Columbus Day and President’s Day.
You daughter hates all corporations, capitalism, mocks your job and company but spends hours at Starbucks blogging on their Power Book, listening to iTunes and flaunting their new Manolo Blanhik’s to her girlfriends before driving home in mom's Porsche Cayenne.
Your daughter denigrates you for supporting “just 5” kids for the Christian Children’s Fund then after dinner tells you what kind of birthday party she thinks you need to throw her so she’s seriously considered for MTV’s “My Sweet 16”.
