Smell's Contest Win a 20 dollah game of your choice..DONE EvilMax17 winner !

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smellhasreturned

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well... i won a 180 dollar gift certificate to amazon.com and it should be coming in the mail in about 4-6 weeks So i thought hey ! why not do a contest to give something back to CAG ?

If you win i will buy you the 20 dollar game of your choice and ship it directly to your house from amazon.com

Thy rules: Write a FUNNY paragraph and if i think its the funniest YOU WIN ! woo woo

Contest closes when i get the certificate so you have plenty of time to enter
 
After a bad round of golf, a man goes back home. He enters his bedroom and lays his golf clubs on the wall. He sees his wife in bed.
He looks at her then asks, "If I die, will you go out and remarry?"
The wife thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I'm still young, so... I don't see why not..."
The man gets a little irritated from this response. He then asks, "If I die, and you remarry, will you live in this same house?"
"Well, sure why not? I like this house," the wife replies.
The man, still somewhat steamed, then asks, "If I die, and you remarry, and use this house, will you let him sleep in this bed?"
The wife says, "Well I mean, there's really no point in buying a new bed for a new husband, is there?"
Now at this point the man is pretty furious. He looks over at his golf clubs and asks, "If I die, and you remarry, will you let him use my golf clubs?"
And she says, "No, he's a lefty."
 
i would like to use this oppurtunity to request cash donations from everyone on cag , donations will be given to the "i like cheetohs" foundation. the ICLF is commited to bringing cheetohs to those less fortunate around the world who have not tried the exquisite taste and orgasmal expeirence that is a cheetoh.






disclaimer:
all cash and cheetohs go to me, no less fortunate people are harmed during the transaction of cash and or cheetohs, some ugly fat people may be harmed by the fact that i bought most of the worlds cheetohs, also i realy like cheetohs so you should give them to me!
 
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
 
I bought a cake. A yummy cake. I ate eat this cake with ice cream and had and oompa loompa feed it to me. I told the oompa loompa a joke. How do you know when a pirate is horny? He gets hARRRRRRRRRd. Wow im an idiot.
 
Ladies and gentlemen, ticks and fleas
cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor,
I'm going to tell you a story I've never heard before!
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
They turned their backs to face each other...
Drew their swords and shot each other!
When the deaf policeman heard the noise,
He came to kill the two dead boys.
If you don't beleive what I just told you...
Ask the blind man, he saw it all.
 
My entry was originally written for http://www.everything2.com, but there was no mention of self-plagiarism not being allowed.

This writing, in its original form can be found at: http://www.everything2.com/?node=Adventure game
A similar piece (also by me) can be found at: http://www.everything2.com/?node=Big Key

ODE TO THE ADVENTURE GAME, by jclast

TOKEN NPC: The world has been overcome with generic, archetypical evil, and only you, intrepid young adventurer, can vanquish it and return the world to a peaceful state. You will be aided in your quest by the towns' merchants, who are even willing to peddle their wares for a reduced fee (you are saving us from a life of eternal torment, after all). I am able to share with you only three pieces of information: the source of this catastrophic evil is right over there; you can't get to it until you fight all of its minions scattered throughout the world; and the first minion's lair is right over there. Good luck, hero, you'll need it!

DISEMBODIED NARRATOR: As our hero makes his way through the first of INTEGER themed dungeons, he realizes the lack of intelligence of his enemy. Weapons and armor just his size have been left in treasure chests and keys to locked doors abound. Our hero need not be careful; his enemies are apparently deaf. Reinforcements never arrive, and should he become weary, health items are never far.

HERO: I sure wish I had an ITEM. It would make it a lot easier to get...oh, there's one. Sweet!

DISEMBODIED NARRATOR: With his newly acquired ITEM, our hero makes his way to the boss's lair. This boss room, as it were, is inexplicably set up to take advantage of the boss's glaring weakness. This weakness is always related to the recently acquired ITEM. If our hero acquired a ray gun, the boss would only be vulnerable to lasers. Had he found a grappling hook, the boss would either be vulnerable only from a high vantage point or need to be pulled down to the ground.

HERO: Wow, that's convenient!

DISEMBODIED NARRATOR: Our hero uses his ITEM to vanquish the boss, and claims the McGuffin that it was invariably guarding. He also gets a stamina boost, despite the fact that he should be extremely tired after that grueling battle with a boss at least three times his size. Our hero is now transported magically either to the dungeon entrance or the town where the quest started.

TOKEN NPC: If I'm the same NPC that talked to you before, I just remembered the location of the next fiend! Otherwise, I was just walking by and saw some bad things happening over there. Maybe you should go check them out.

DISEMBODIED NARRATOR: This cycle repeats INTEGER times until our hero finds himself at the boss room of the final dungeon. This final battle plays out much the same way as the other boss battles. It just takes longer, the music is cooler, and the final boss doesn't die until you've defeated him a number of times (at least 2). Upon defeating the final boss, I will reward with a final scene, the credits, and maybe a New Game+, but that's all you're getting.
 
Funny paragraph, you say? Then I present to you: an anecdote.

Due to a scheduling mishap, I wound up with a 9:10 AM class this semester. Differential equations. My other classes all start after 12. So, needless to say, I'm generally quite sleepy when I'm in my 9:10 math class.

Guys, you know what happens all too easily when you've just woken up. One morning I'm sitting in class when my trouser snake sees fit to stand up and greet me. Lucky for me, I sit in the back of the class. We all know it's better to have your buddy run alongside your leg than to "pitch a tent", so to speak, so I knew I'd have to make some adjustments. I guess my head wasn't entirely clear at the time; simple pocket-pool probably would've sufficed. But no, I went straight into the danger zone that morning.

I should note here that a cute girl I have a bit of a crush on sits about 3 chairs away from me, a row up. She decided, at this point, to throw me a glance, just one o' them nice things acquaintences do to acknowledge each other's existences. And, of course, what she saw was me busily digging my hand into my pants.

At this point I looked up, and our eyes met. Her glance continued unwavered, as if her fragile psyche had hit the breaking point trying to make sense of where my hand currently was. I continued the eye contact, and without thinking, waved to her. With the hand that had been deep within my loins. Yes, I looked this hot girl directly in the eyes and waved to her with my hand that had seconds earlier, right in front of her face, been manipulating my penis.

I hadn't even had time to fully make the adjustment before I waved to her. Hence, what she saw was this: A smiling guy looking at her, with a boner, waving with the hand he had been using to touch his dong.

I don't think I'd ever seen such a horrified face as hers. Her stunned expression attracted the attention of pretty much everyone else in the class, so before I knew it my raging hard-on was pretty much on exhibit for the rest of the class to behold. My professor said "John, it's great to see you're so excited about math this morning, but jeez." He then turned on the television saying he was going to try and find a baseball game. He settled for sportscenter.

My boner never died; whatever was flowing through my blood should be bottled and sold to old people, I tell ya what. We all got to watch Sportscenter that morning instead of study math. Everybody was pretty stoked about it at that point, and some frat guys thought it would be funny to high five me about it after class.

One of them did, but stepped a little too close to my bulge. Nobody laughed about that one.

Anyway, that was the antics of my Wicked Wood Wednesday, as it's now known at parties everywhere. Hope you enjoyed.
 
Macho Man Randy Savage was once a youth minister in my town. We'd all go to his sermons and eat holy Slim Jims. He'd ask us "Do you think God is the coolest dude ah-liveeeeeeeee?" and we would all yell "OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHH!". Then one time Satan came up and started to talk smack about the lord. "God, " he said while adjusting his sunglasses and chewing on a fine Cuban cigar, "is the biggest pansy I've ever seen, I do say so myself." Well Randy wasn't about to take that from the Devil, who was really just being a jerk. So what did ol' Macho do? Well there just happened to be a turnbuckle near by, so Randy put down his Macho Bible and went over to it. "You're gonna regret those words ooooh yeahhhh". Youth minister Randy Savage put his tassled boot on the first turnbuckle, and proceeded to climb to the top. He slowly raised his arms to the sky, pointed to the lord, and then gave a mighty leap of biblical proportions. The next few seconds seemed to go by in slow motion, and I could hear my heart beating rapidly. With elbow outstretched, Macho Man flew toward the devil. "Noooooooo" yelled the Devil, as his stogie fell to the ground. Randy's elbow hit the devil with a thunderous boom, and for awhile, everything was dark. We were all scared.

After the dust cleared, the Devil was gone (we presumed he had exploded under the mighty power of the elbow), and Pastor Savage emerged victorious. We all looked up at the Macho Man with great admiration, and he said unto us "Children, don't forget that when the Devil gets you down, snap into him like a Slim Jim ooooh yeahhhhh". As a reward for us not running away, he gave us each a copy of Ikaruga for the Gamecube.

machoman.jpg
 
Ok well this is a true story...

About 2-3 years ago it was one of my friends 21st birthday and after being at different bars all night we decided to take him to the strip clubs. So were all there and buying him dances and whatnot. Anyways the next day i give him a call to see how hes feeling and he tells me his eye hurts really bad, like theres an eyelash or something in there. Well later on that day he decides to go to the eye doctor because it was hurting him pretty bad. The doctor looks at his eye and finds a fucking crab in there! We have a theory as to how it got there. One of the strippers brought him on stage and he laid down on his back with a dollor on his face and she squatted down basiclaly sitting on his face and picking the dollar up with her ass. Even with bottoms on the crab was still able to penetrate into my buddy's eye. It's a pretty gross story but its kinda funny too.
 
I have a joke.


A guy goes to a two dollar prostitute and has a good time.
A few days later he notices that he has crabs.
He goes back to the prostitute to tell her that she gave him crabs
And she replies "What did you expect for 2 dollars? Lobster?
 
one time one time i looked out mah window and i seen a person and i said hey drop my chicken you person and he dropped it and i picked it up and i threw it at him and he said ow so i ran and picked it up and threw it at him again but i missed and i hit my mom so i went over and i yelled at my mom im like " mom drop my chicken" and she told me to go to my room so i picked up the chicken and went to my room and ate it then the phone rang and it was that person so i said hey you person you took my chicken but i got it back so whats up now and he said ill be back for my chicken and i said youll have to kill me cause i ate it and he said OH NO WOOTENHEIMER NOT MY CHICKEN woot woot



......dawt dawt dawt
 
My Entry:

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...
 
True story:

I was on the debate team in high school. One year the topic was "Resolved: that the federal government should implement a comprehensive program to decrease overcrowding in prisons and jails." Apart from the usual things, like 'build more jails', 'more death penalty', 'lighter/alternative sentencing', a big plan that many of the boys liked was 'legalize prostitution.'
So: We go to a tournament. We decided to run that prostitution plan. My partner is a girl a year younger than me, whom I had had, er, an interest in, and who was reputed to be rather "open" if you know what I mean. She knew I had an interest, but I had not really expressed it to her. She also took Spanish, whereas I took French.
Round one begins. She starts reading our plan. It begins with a quote from the classic song Lady Marmalade. "Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?" Since we didn't really practice, and since she was in a Spanish mindset, she butchered the pronunciation. Multiple times, wasting precious time [you had 8 minutes for your opening speech.] I stage-whispered to her the correct pronunciation. However, it's a classroom, and there's only five people in the room, so everyone, the opposing team and the judge, could hear. "What?" I did it again. "What?" One more time. She stared blankly. Sometimes knowing what something means can help you 'understand' it, so I said, "Would you go to bed with me tonight?" Three seconds of silence, after which she said "No" and continued with the speech, skipping that line.

We didn't win that debate, and the rest of the weekend was, shall we say, awkward.
 
Wow, another contest~! Ok, here's something I heard from a game, I think.

A teacher, Mary, asks the class a question: "What is something that is long and hard, and is pink on one end?"
A student, Jimmy, answers: "A pencil."
Mary: "No, but I like the way you think."
Jimmy then puts his hands into a pocket on his pants and asks the teacher: "Teacher, I'm holding something round and hard, and it has a head. Do you know what it is?"
Mary gets a little embarrassed and angry and said: "Jimmy, go to the principal's office!"
Jimmy then takes out a dime from his pocket and replied: "I like the way you are thinking, but it's a dime."
 
FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY.

There's my "FUNNY" paragraph in case that was the loophole :).
 
Thanks for contest...hope this is funny enough!

A guy dies and goes to Heaven. Once there St Peter lets him through the gates and the man notices a few females wearing only College sweatshirts.

The man asks St Peter “I noticed that all the females are wearing College sweatshirts...what does that mean?”

St Peter responds “Well...you see, when these females die, they wear the College sweatshirts that their husbands wore while they were making love.”

“Oh” says the man, “So that one over there...wearing the big 'O' on her sweatshirt ...her husband probably went to Ohio?”

“Right!” says St Peter.

“Ok,” continues the man, “So that one over there wearing the big 'P', her husband went to Purdue and that one with the big 'S', her husband went to Stanford.”

“Correct and correct!” says St Peter.

The man points to another female wearing a big 'M' on her sweatshirt and the man says...”Well I bet her husband went to Michigan.”

“Actually” responds St Peter, “her husband went to Wisconsin.”
 
In the South, we cling to tradition, even when tradition is outdated, overwrought, or just plain dumb. You can hear it in our accented voices; you can see it in our tiny towns; you can feel it in our culture. It is, above all else, this foolish adherence to convention that powers this tale. When I was a sophomore in high school, I found myself hopelessly in love with a girl with a very unfortunate name. Her name was, and I’m not kidding, Gaye Valentine. She was a junior with dark eyes and thick, sooty lashes. Her father owned a healthy chunk of our little city, and, as is often the case with old money, she had been named after her paternal grandmother. Despite her laughable name, she was quite popular, and had a number of admirers. Being neither the most attractive, athletic, or coolest of her suitors, I looked for a way to impress upon her my affections. As February 14th drew ever nearer, I settled on a more traditional route – I would use my talent, my gift for language, to win her heart. I doted over that two-dollar Hallmark card like it was the Ten Commandments. I fashioned it into a solid testament of my feelings, and was gearing up to slip it through the vents of her locker the next morning when Wilbur, my best friend and ever-present partner in crime, decided to remind of the countless other paramours that would doubtlessly be planning to do the same. Wil’s idea was simple: he sat behind Gaye in first period homeroom, and he would use this as an opportunity to slip my card into her Lit book. As soon as class started, after compulsory announcements and assorted screwing around, she would open her textbook to find my letter, and be smitten. We hashed this plan out in Wil’s room, and, just as I was handing the card to my friend, his mom, a diminutive (and very nosy) Filipino woman burst into his room, inquiring as to what we were talking about. Wil was no stranger to this behavior, as his mom very high-strung, and prone to question every aspect of her only son’s life. Without missing a beat, Wil swiveled his chair and barked at his mother, “Gaye Valentine! We’re talking about Gaye Valentine! There? Happy?” She gazed dumbfounded from me, to Wil, to the card, and back again, as an uneasy look of dawning dread crept across her face. At once his mother began to cry. She told us, in shaky English between sobs that, while she didn’t approve of our relationship, she still loved Wilbur and wouldn’t treat him any differently. It took us two weeks to convince her that we weren’t a homosexual couple.
 
I was in the back of a station wagon, going to my friends house to drop him off, and were like what can we do for fun, we start giving people "the bird" (middle finger) and people start smiling and waving from their cars when were on the road, but this one bitch in a Z3 pulls up behind us and follows us for like 10 miles and then when we get to my friends house, the bitch gets out of her car and starts yelling at my mom and I jump out of the car and tell her to get back in her fcuking car and go play fcuk with the shifter. She gave me a nasty look and then got back in her car and started giving me the finger, so I go and throw gravel at her windshield and she drove off.
 
So, I went to see some monks and they were making fish and chips... so I asked one of them if they were the Fish Frier and asked another if they were the chipmonk.
 
A guy called smelhasreturned in CAG.com was promised a $180 gift certificate

to be used in amazon.com. He won the certificate from a contest after he paid a 20 dollars in entry fee. Turns out he never receives the gift.
 
The following is a true story. Only the names have been changed to protect the humiliated.

So I worked at this pizza joint several years ago. My boss had a policy that when someone called in an order, if they weren't there to pick it up within 15 minutes after it was ready, we threw it out. Usually when this happened, the person never came and it was assumed to be a prank call. Every now and then, someone would just show up really late and we'd have to remake it. We'd just explain about how late they were, and tell them that after that long under the heat lamp, it wouldn't be good anymore anyway.

So one day a lady calls in and orders a large meatball grinder. Puts it under the name "Tessier". OK, we make it, put it under the heat lamp and wait. Fifteen minutes later, still no Tessier, we throw it out. About two minutes later this woman walks into the store, and she must weigh close to 400 pounds. She's enormous. As in she has her own weather system, zip code, whatever. She says "Hi, I called in an order. The name's Tessier." I look up and start to tell her we threw it out because she was too late, but the words that come out of my mouth are "I'm sorry, we had to throw it out. You're too FAT." Worst Freudian slip ever. She just looks at me, horrified, and I can feel my face burning, but I feel too stupid to correct myself, so I just keep looking back at her, almost hoping she'll swear at me and storm out. After a few very uncomfortable seconds, she looks at the menu board on the wall behind me and says "Well, can I have a small chicken salad then?"
 
Oh yeah, 2nd entry...


The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
 
Why did the slut get fired from a job at the sperm bank?











Highlight below:
Drinkin' on the job
 
A skinny little white Guy

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?
Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."





one day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
 
Its at the Post Office ! woo woo i might get it Today or Tomorrow (it came quick i guess) so i will accept any late entries until i have the certificate in my hand.
 
Three mice are sitting at a bar. The first mouse slams a shot of JD and says "I'm so tough I snatch the cheese off a mousetrap, grab the bar on the way down, and benchpress it 25 or 30 times." The second mouse slams a shot of tequila and says "Fag. I'm so tough I snort rat poison," and slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot of Jaeger, gets up and pushes in his stool. The other two mice look at other, and the first one goes "Hey, what gives?" The third mouse says "I'm gonna go fuck the cat."
 
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