Amusing Amazon Reviews (Personal Tank, Uranium Ore, Sleeping Capsule)

There once was a man named Klaproth
Who cooked up some pitchblende-y broth
This bright German fellow
Mixed cake that was yellow
And found something new in the froth

He'd already discovered Titanium
Because of the size of his cranium
So not wanting to strain us
He thought of Uranus
And called his new product "Uranium"

Now Amazon's got it in stock
I'll admit that one came as a shock
An ore in a tin
Radioactive within
With a four-million year ticking clock

I just noticed while writing this rhyme
That this product ain't covered by Prime
Though small, it's got weight
So you'll pay lots for freight
And spending that much is a crime

So although I'd have wanted much more
Than this tiny container of ore
I'll have to make do
With one U 92
For my Geiger device checking chore

But if science is your main ambition
Since Amazon gives you permission
Please cover your a$$
If you want to tint glass
And you can't tell your fusion from fission

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After laying out extensive amounts of cash for centrifuges and the attendant bribes for UN observers to have a severe case of blepharospasm when it came to my activities, I purchased one metric hundred tons (about 100,000,000 cans) of this ore, my previous source of yellowcake having mysteriously dried up.

But the packaging made it almost impossible to extract, because my workers (a bevy of Fembots) broke their manicures on the lids and anyway the ore might be encased in some kind of plastic; I can't be sure (I'm not a detail person anyway, the grand vision is what I'm after.) Anyway, I'm told that the uranium in these cans is nearly useless for enrichment, I mean, nuclear plant development projects and I am deeply disappointed. I couldn't get a refund, it being long after 30 days from purchase.

And in case you find yourself in my position, I can confidently report that Duncan Hines Classic Yellow Cake Mix is also a completely inadequate raw material for the same project. Not to mention the mess it makes in the centrifuges. I will be reviewing that later.

As to the Fembots, I cannot recommend the model I bought FB008-BMX23-SNAFU-YY-OHMY because of the flimsy nature of the nail tips and their tendency to overheat and melt in, well, certain activities. I'll review them later. Right now, I've got a situation to attend to.

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