How to deal with a friend in jail? - UPDATE 8/11

pacifickarma

pacifickarma

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Ok, I've got a strange situation I really need some help sorting out in my head. One of my very good friends, someone I have known for years, was unexpectedly arrested and thrown in jail Tuesday evening. I don't want to go into specifics as to the nature of her crime, but needless to say if true it was very much out of character for her. She was charged with two felonies and is sitting in jail pending her hearing tomorrow. I went to college with this friend and currently work with her. Her arrest has been the talk of our workplace and the gossip has been flying around the lunch room. I haven't had a chance to talk with her since her arrest and I find it hard to imagine that she committed the crimes she is accused of, but I also can't imagine the police would throw her in jail and charge her with felonies if they didn't have some pretty good evidence. Has anyone here gone through something like this before? I want to remain supportive of her as a longtime friend, but if she is truly guilty, I'm not sure if I can. How should one go about dealing with a close friend accused of a rather heinous crime?

EDIT: Since it has hit the national news, I guess there isn't any point in being vague anymore. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29142935/

EDIT 2: An update for those interested: http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090214/A_NEWS/902140332

EDIT 3: Update on Post #67!

EDIT 4: New News: http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090228/A_NEWS/902280332

EDIT 5: http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090811/A_NEWS02/908110315
 
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Women's lib
(jk)

I really don't believe that your friend raped a kid. If she did then you should probably treat her like a rapist.
 
I would find some better friends.

Unless it was her beating up some asshole ex, that's fine.

Ohhh... she's a perve.....

FIND BETTER FRIENDS!
 
It would be totally out of character for her, if true. She's a very beautiful woman (the mug shot doesn't do her any kind of justice) and has been dating the same guy for around two years now. She's a dedicated teacher and has never shown any signs of shady behavior. She is one of my wife's very best friends, and my wife is stunned by this. My wife said she never had any clue that this could be going on, which leads me to think that there may be more to this story than we're led to believe right now.
 
Well you said shes a close friend.....how do you define friendship? I mean shit friends are there for each other but you gotta draw the line somewhere....where is going to depend how much they mean to you.

Now in your case, since you work together that means you are around children...your support of her could effect you in the workplace thats something to consider....

Tough decision man, if it were me and she were my close friend I would remain at least somewhat supportive. Try to get her help/rehabilitated if anything and not disown her like the rest of her world likely will.
 
Face it---you don't really know anyone, unless they're family.

And while everyone is up in arms about teachers having relationships with students, I sit back and wonder how the fuck anyone in their early twenties can qualify to be a teacher of any kind.
 
[quote name='Megalith']Face it---you don't really know anyone, unless they're family.[/QUOTE]

Meh. I don't really know my family, and they don't really know me.

And where were all these hot teachers having sex with their male students when I was in school?
 
[quote name='pacifickarma']I want to remain supportive of her as a longtime friend, but if she is truly guilty, I'm not sure if I can.[/quote]Well, whether or not you feel comfortable with her is something only you can decide. However, if you're wondering if it's "ok" to support her, remember that the whole basis of our judicial system in the US is innocence until guilt is proven. She's not guilty until either A. she admits it to you or B. the evidence is incontrovertable.
 
Yeah, you shouldn't have linked to the article, karma. It's going to go from sage and shitty advice to the sort of lousy "if women have sex with teenage boys, it's not pedophilia, it's awesome!" nonsense.

How can you deal with it? Avoid the gossip, talk down/call out those assholes that don't avoid it, and handle the situation as realistically as possible: accept that your friend may be guilty of several felonies, and go from there. Wait until you are better informed before moving forward, really.
 
If she's a good friend and you think it's out of character for her, support her, talk to her when you can, and find out her side of the story. Don't just abandon her now that she's in the spotlight, but don't blindly defend her at all costs, either. The media can twist anything to suit their needs, and so can the parents and student accusing her.
 
[quote name='Megalith']Face it---you don't really know anyone, unless they're family.
[/QUOTE]

This.


[quote name='mykevermin']
Wait until you are better informed before moving forward, really.[/QUOTE]

And this.


You can never assume someone is incapable of something no matter how long you've been friends or worked together (trust me, I know). That said, I fully understand where you're coming from as a friend who has known her for some time and feels some sense of loyalty to her because of the friendship which only complicates what you're going through yourself.

If you truly believe her support her as that's what friends do (be careful around co-workers though as they can quickly turn on you as well). If you don't believe her keep a distance, given the circumstances no-one will ever blame you. If you're not sure do what Myke said and just sit back and wait to see what develops.

Personally, I'd wait for some of the shock to wear off and get more information before making any decisions.
 
i would be careful not to be too supportive, schools are a very political place with a lot of gossip, you really have to decide how visible your support will be.
 
Go talk to her, get an idea of what happened. Make no mistake, her life is going to be under the microscope because of the accusations made but also because the public in general loves to gossip and condemn without any evidence at all.

Be the bigger man and stand by your friends, and let justice run its course. Guilty or not, do NOT be the douche that slinks away into obscurity because "you don't want to get involved".

It is exactly that mindset that allows people in need to die on the streets as people look away or step around their bodies, ignoring them.

Who knows, you might be asked to be a character witness, you might be the one who convinces a jury that the accusations against her are false. Or you might be the one who gets the truth out of her and it's bad news.

Doesn't matter, it all starts with TALKING TO HER IN PERSON. IF YOU'RE STILL HERE READING THIS SHIT IT HAD BETTER BE ON A LAPTOP WHILE SOMEONE DRIVES YOU TO THE STATION. :)

~HotShotX
 
[quote name='pacifickarma'] has been dating the same guy for around two years now.[/quote]

That "guy" ended up being one of her students! :lol:
 
I would just keep your distance, not say anything until you get more information. And chide any co-workers who are talking shit telling them to be quiet until they hear more.

So yeah, more or less what mykevermin said.
 
[quote name='HotShotX']It all starts with TALKING TO HER IN PERSON. IF YOU'RE STILL HERE READING THIS SHIT IT HAD BETTER BE ON A LAPTOP WHILE SOMEONE DRIVES YOU TO THE STATION.[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, she's sitting in the county jail right now and we've been told that she has used up her allotment of visitors for the week. Basically, she can't see anyone new until Monday. I never realized that you only got 2 visitors per week when you were in jail! I think I'm just going to have to follow Myke's advice and sit back and see how all of this plays out. Like I said, I can't imagine that she did what they're accusing her of... but I also can't imagine they would lock her up without some serious evidence. We'll see how this all shakes out over the next week or so.
 
[quote name='pacifickarma']Unfortunately, she's sitting in the county jail right now and we've been told that she has used up her allotment of visitors for the week. [/QUOTE]

Of course. Every teenage boy within 50 miles was standing in line waiting to get in to see her.
 
Why not be supportive of her? So what, she had sex with a 16 year old. You know damn well that kid knew what he was doing. While it wasn't very right for her to do it, it really isn't that bad. She didn't rape him or anything.
 
I've gone ahead and posted an update to my friend's story for those interested. Unfortunately, I still haven't been able to make any contact with her to hear her side of things. My understanding is that she is now at home with her family, but she is not seeing any visitors. I'll post more for those interested in the future.
 
Sever ties. According to the second story, she admitted doing it. Her situation can only negatively impact yours. You certainly don't have to go around bashing her (or defending her). I'd just forget that she ever existed.
 
^A lot closer to me than I thought. Ya know... gotta say teacher at 24? I sometimes what some of these professions (Medical being the other) actually consider ready to work in these areas? I know at least in Kalifornya we are hurting for both, but at the cost of hiring incompetence?

[quote name='georox']Man, I got shitty teachers.[/quote]

lol

[quote name='Ikohn4ever']maybe you are too ugly[/quote]

LOL
 
You can teach once you have your bachelor's most places, and people graduate around 22.

No reason you can't have young teachers. They've learned the material and the only way they'll get better at teaching it is to start teaching.
 
Pretty much all teachers start young. Just depends on the market, some places there aren't a lot of jobs so they have to start as subs etc.

Some of the younger teachers I had were some of the better ones--probably because they weren't burnt out and hating their jobs yet! :D
 
I've had grad students fill in for professors that are out of town to do a presentation, the grad students (often about the age of this teacher) do just as good a job as the professor.. and that's with material way above high school level English.
 
[quote name='dmaul1114']Pretty much all teachers start young.[/QUOTE]

Yeah the younger they are the more flexible they are and easier it is to spread their......
























arms across to write on the blackboard.
 
That sucks man, but like others have said and as you have insinuated to being a teacher, it is not in your best interests to be her friend anymore.
 
OP you know more about the situation than any of us obviously. But to the people who are saying cut off contact, do you mean without even talking to her once?
 
Well, being that she admitted to it I'd just walk away.

Edit:

[quote name='rickonker']But to the people who are saying cut off contact, do you mean without even talking to her once?[/QUOTE]

I'd walk away entirely without another word. The only discussion that should ever take place is if she somehow got in touch with you, and that discussion should revolve around not being able to trust her, being disgusted by her actions, and no longer wanting to be associated with her.

At this point the thought process needs to go from "my friend's in trouble, what should I do" to "she's fucked up in the head, get me the hell out of here."
 
See, that's the thing. I've known her for years and have never seen her display any behavior that would explain this situation. Like the article says, she's been an upstanding member of the community and was very well respected around her university and around her job site. She's been one of my wife's best friends for half of a decade and threw my wife's bridal shower for her 3 years ago. Let's just say that if I had to guess which teacher at my job site would be accused of a crime like this, she would've been very far down on my list of suspects. The local police are rather infamous for being ham-handed with their investigations and there are already whispers that they may have questioned her without a lawyer present and that they used strong intimidation tactics to coerce an admission of guilt. We'll see where this goes and I'll be sure to post updates. My wife is still trying to get in touch with her, but so far hasn't been able to reach her.
 
[quote name='captainfrizo']Well, being that she admitted to it I'd just walk away.

Edit:



I'd walk away entirely without another word. The only discussion that should ever take place is if she somehow got in touch with you, and that discussion should revolve around not being able to trust her, being disgusted by her actions, and no longer wanting to be associated with her.

At this point the thought process needs to go from "my friend's in trouble, what should I do" to "she's fucked up in the head, get me the hell out of here."[/QUOTE]

pacific just hinted at what I was going to say. You're taking the cops' word for it; wouldn't you talk to her at least once to hear it from her directly?
 
[quote name='Malik112099']I don't think you would be having such a personal dilemma if it was a guy friend.[/quote]

I dont think sex has anything to do with this, I have many close male and female friends, and if any of them were to be accused to commiting a crime, I would still feel the same way.
 
if its a guy send them soap on a rope if its a chick tell her to choose gangs wisely and try not to look to pretty.
 
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