Would you ever date your friends ex-girlfriend (of two years)?

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Escobar4Life

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Just wondering what CAG's stance was on dating friends' ex-girlfriends.

I've never done it, and don't plan on doing it, but I'm in an interesting situation and wanted to hear what everyone else would do in my shoes. Basically one of my best friends has been with his current girlfriend for a little over two years now, and has recently been contemplating breaking it off with her. I've know my friend for about ten years now and I've also become really good friends with his girlfriend (I'd also consider her one of my best friends).

Here's where the weirdness starts:
My friend, while talking to me about breaking up with his current girlfriend, has, more than once, jokingly suggested that I go out with her once they break up. It was said in a joking manner, but it really seemed like one of those 'I'll jokingly say it, gauge his response, and react accordingly'. Meaning if I had taken him up on this offer, it seemed like he would be for it (at least, that's what I think). I know some of you may think I'm taking his joke too seriously, but I'd like to add that:
1) I've been single for a while, and this friend always goes way out of his way to help me out whenever possible
2) The girlfriend actually originally liked me (which she has told me a few times while they have been dating, once fairly recently (a few months ago)).
3) I'm almost certain he is aware of the fact that she liked me because he was friends with her at the time she liked me. I didn't see her a whole lot, wasn't really interested in dating at the time, and felt that, since he was the one who introduced me to her, that I wouldn't try and date her unless he was okay with it (which he wasn't, at the time). I do recall him saying that I did have a shot with her, at one point (which kinda confirms his knowledge about her feelings toward me at one point), but anytime he even suggests something between her and I, I just jokingly brush it off.

Anyway, it almost seems like I have the okay from both parties, but I could just never see myself dating a friend's ex-girlfriend (especially one that he has been seeing for so long). I always believe this was definitely at the top of the list of things someone doesn't do to his good friends. I've pretty much made up my mind that I would definitely not do it, but just wanted to hear your thoughts.
 
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I didn't read most of that... but yeah. NOT... A... GOOD... IDEA... Then again there are some people that never learn.
 
I think its good to be friends with your friends ex and i'm not talking in that way. That is if you liked them as a friend when the two of them were dating. however to date your friends ex is not good.
 
i wouldnt not so much because its a friends ex and thats kinda wrong but itd be weird to get close and date a chick your friend used to date that could lead to all kinds of future problems like you 2 get into an argument she goes to him and they fuck or theyre not dating but still kinda close and screw around behind your back.
 
Yeah, even if you think it's okay with your friend, it really isn't. Even if he flat out says he doesn't care, he actually does. My friend dated a girl for 6 months, and the three of us plus her best friend got really close. 8 months after they broke up, her and I started dating, and he barely talked to me after that. I've been with her for two years now, and he's gotten married, but I still rarely hear from him. So bottom line, if you value the friendship, an ex is off-limits, even if the dude says he's over her.
 
Absolutely not.. do you like having this friend not pissed at you? Then move on to a different girl; trust me, they come and go and someone who will flirt with the friend of someone they're dating will most likely do the same thing to you down the line.
 
I would say no, but the least you could is ask the friend if its okay, depending on his reaction and what he says you could theoretically go from there, but realize it could all blow up in your face.
 
[quote name='PR Mega X']Yeah, even if you think it's okay with your friend, it really isn't. Even if he flat out says he doesn't care, he actually does. My friend dated a girl for 6 months, and the three of us plus her best friend got really close. 8 months after they broke up, her and I started dating, and he barely talked to me after that. I've been with her for two years now, and he's gotten married, but I still rarely hear from him. So bottom line, if you value the friendship, an ex is off-limits, even if the dude says he's over her.[/QUOTE]

Not exactly true, I dated a girl for 4 years and when I broke it off with her I was all for letting my friend that she was interested in (he ended up not returning that feeling) get with her if he wanted to. I think it really depends on the friend honestly, but I wouldn't go up and ask if it is alright either. Then again, I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a friend's ex anyways, but that is a personal choice of mine.
 
On a pure reaction, I'd say no, never. In your situation, if you really like this girl and want to see where this goes, you'd have to ask your friend if it's okay. Well, you don't HAVE to, but if he's your friend of 10 years, it would be the thing to do. So you can risk burning all bridges with him to date this girl without keeping his feelings in mind, or ask him and see how he feels. It's all a cost/benefit analysis.

And like people mentioned, even if he says it's okay, it might not really be. You'd have to make sure he's really truly doesn't mind it. It's a tricky situation. Might not be worth the potential blow ups.
 
They're not together once they break up, and she ain't his property to control when they're together, let alone broken up.

Yes, yes, there some dipshit saying someone will bring up about 'bros before hos,' but that's fuckin' ridiculous. If you're into her, you're into her.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']They're not together once they break up, and she ain't his property to control when they're together, let alone broken up.

Yes, yes, there some dipshit saying someone will bring up about 'bros before hos,' but that's fuckin' ridiculous. If you're into her, you're into her.[/QUOTE]
This.

Your friendship may become strained afterward, you'd just have to set some ground rules for what is OK to be discussed and what isn't OK.

Tread carefully, but if you're into her, and she returns the affection, green light.
 
I probably wouldn't, unless my friend had said he was ok with it. Assuming it was my best friend, or a really, really good friend. If it was a more casual friend or just an acquaintance then I'd have no issues with it.

Really good friendships are few and far between in my experience so I'd generally rather not jeopardize that for taking a chance at a relationship. But I could see exceptions depending on how into the girl I was etc.

But it's just priority, even though I'm a serial monogamist (current relationship going on 5 years, one before that nearly 8 years etc.), I generally value friendships more than relationships. Probably a function of having never really given a crap about marriage and not wanting to have kids.

That and there's just a lot of fish in the sea and I'd rather not complicate things in that way if I can avoid it as that could add strain on both the friendship and the potential relationship, so it would take a really special case for me to consider it seriously.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']They're not together once they break up, and she ain't his property to control when they're together, let alone broken up.

Yes, yes, there some dipshit saying someone will bring up about 'bros before hos,' but that's fuckin' ridiculous. If you're into her, you're into her.[/QUOTE]

It's not about her being his property. It's still fucked up to date a friend's ex, especially if it was a serious relationship. It's not about wronging her, it's about wronging him. If you didn't care about the friendship, than whatever. But if you do, it's a terrible idea, because it WILL be strained/over.
 
I would avoid it if you truly want to keep your friendship as it is.. you can never tell exactly why someone may have done something at one particular time and even now why their doing/saying something now. What he said to you may have been a test of your friendship. I'd hope my friend of that length of time wouldn't put any woman ahead of a solid friendship. He may have felt vibes she was not faithful or that something just wasn't right and since she showed interest in you he was 'testing' the waters? I'm sure he didn't want to ruin your friendship by out-right saying something negatively instead did it in joking 'fishin' for feedback from you.

And regardless of the time span he & she may be broken up, if you were to follow through it would just lead to more questions.
The only solid scenario is if he dies then your absolutely sure nothing can come about it..
I know it cliche but "bros before ho's" lol its best to secure that friend of 10 yrs.. never know you might need someone to help hide a body..lol
 
[quote name='mykevermin']They're not together once they break up, and she ain't his property to control when they're together, let alone broken up.

Yes, yes, there some dipshit saying someone will bring up about 'bros before hos,' but that's fuckin' ridiculous. If you're into her, you're into her.[/QUOTE]

She is free to date whomever she wants, and the ex-boyfriend shouldn't feel the need to have any control of it, but and good friend of the ex-boyfriend shouldn't date her out of respect for his friend. She can try and date you if she wants (she's free to do whatever you want), but, as a friend, it just doesn't seem like a good idea to get involved with friends' ex-gfs.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']They're not together once they break up, and she ain't his property to control when they're together, let alone broken up.

Yes, yes, there some dipshit saying someone will bring up about 'bros before hos,' but that's fuckin' ridiculous. If you're into her, you're into her.[/QUOTE]


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fzuXQF_wIU
 
Do it. He has no right to get upset in any circumstance with his ex-girlfriend. He's not being a friend if he gets jealous and immature if he can't handle his ex girlfriend dating a friend. Yes, privately it might suck for him for a bit but if he's even the least bit rationale he'll understand that he doesn't own her and he doesn't control you.
 
[quote name='gareman']Do it. He has no right to get upset in any circumstance with his ex-girlfriend. He's not being a friend if he gets jealous and immature if he can't handle his ex girlfriend dating a friend. Yes, privately it might suck for him for a bit but if he's even the least bit rationale he'll understand that he doesn't own her and he doesn't control you.[/QUOTE]

That's all true.

But the problem is a lot of break ups are messy to a lot of the issues that can arise would just be from not wanting to be around the ex, which can get in the way of your friendship with him etc. etc. It's not always just jealousy, being controlling etc. Some times there's just a lot of pain/bad blood there which makes it a bad idea.

Just not worth it in most cases IMO, if it's a really close friend.
 
Statute of limitations is at least 6 months after official breakup. After that, respect has been paid towards the friend and moral obligation has been fulfilled so feel free. Yes, there is emotional baggage but the initiator of the breakup (presumably in this case, OP's friend) has no say anyway because they relinquish that right by being the initator. Plus, it's none of their business any longer. Now, were the situations reversed (read: girl was the intiator), then the statute of limitations is at least 2 years because being the one being broken up with is usually more emotionally distressful than the initiator of the break up. If, after 2 years, OP's friend still hasn't gotten over the breakup, OP should still ask for friend's blessing but is not obligated nor required to get it if he still wants to pursue the girl in question. Again, it's been 2 years (plenty of time to grieve and move on), and it's not really his business at this point anyway.
 
Do you know why he's breaking up with her? Maybe you're the reason he's breaking up with her. She likes you, he sees it and maybe he thinks there something there. Or maybe he really likes the girl but with you "in the way" he doesn't think the relationship is going anywhere. Like it's too much one-sided.
 
[quote name='blissskr']Think about it this way, do you really want to be kissing a girl that had your buddies dong in her mouth? Lol[/QUOTE]

Why would that matter? :whistle2:s Every girl that has become sexually active has at least had one cock in the vicinity of her mouth not to mention the facial from the resulting orgasm. How is having a stranger's cock different from your buddies' aside from knowing the latter in person? As long as the girl doesn't have a dick in her mouth or jizz in her face WHILE you're kissing her as well as keeps herself generally clean, I don't see how this warrants serious thought (unless you're into that stuff).
 
[quote name='mykevermin']They're not together once they break up, and she ain't his property to control when they're together, let alone broken up.

Yes, yes, there some dipshit saying someone will bring up about 'bros before hos,' but that's fuckin' ridiculous. If you're into her, you're into her.[/QUOTE]

Listen to the Professor.


But here's my take on it. First of all, he is the one doing the breaking up. If she dumped him and he was trashed over it and I was really good friends with him, I might consider not dating her. But that would be out of awkwardness, not a sense of duty or anything lame like that. But if he is tired of her, then he has no right to stop you from dating her. If he gives her up, he can have no expectations.

But what it really comes down to is are you really that into your friend? If I wanted to date and eventually maybe marry a girl (lets be real here, the end goal of dating for most people is eventual marriage), I wouldn't think twice about it. If my friend had that big of a problem with it, how good of a friend is he anyway? He wasn't able to find happiness with her, but he would deny me my potential happiness? That's a pretty crappy friendship.

And I may be way off base here, but what I thought of when you mentioned how he "jokes" about you dating her is a couple of my married friends. Two different guys I know have told their wives in front of me that if they die and I'm not married yet, that they want their wife to marry me. Talk about awkward! Anyway, if he's as cool of a guy as you say he is, he might care enough for her that he doesn't want her hurt or alone, but he has decided she isn't for him. Maybe he "jokes" to you because he knows you'll treat her right. Like I said, maybe way off, but I know that's the way two of my friends feel about me.
 
[quote name='MorPhiend']
But here's my take on it. First of all, he is the one doing the breaking up. If she dumped him and he was trashed over it and I was really good friends with him, I might consider not dating her. But that would be out of awkwardness, not a sense of duty or anything lame like that. But if he is tired of her, then he has no right to stop you from dating her. If he gives her up, he can have no expectations.
[/quote]

I do agree circumstance matters. If the guy wasn't into her and dumped her and has no hard feelings, it's easier to justify as there's less to worry about.

If he dumped her as she was cheating, or just no into him or whatever, and he's heart broken over it, then probably best to stay away if you care about the friendship.

If he was dumped, and its crushed by it, definitely best to stay away.

But what it really comes down to is are you really that into your friend? If I wanted to date and eventually maybe marry a girl (lets be real here, the end goal of dating for most people is eventual marriage), I wouldn't think twice about it.
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It definitely matters how good a friend it is. If it's one of my best friends, I'll probably stay away in the vast majority of cases (in the 2nd and 3rd type of break ups above), as good friendships are hard to find.

And it varies by how much people care about marriage etc. Many people just want to get married, have a family and eventually mostly leave friends behind as that's just what happens with busy careers, raising kids etc. And in that case, if that's your goal and think the girl may be "the one" then go for it. I care less about marriage, don't particularly want kids etc. so I'm more apt to lean toward preserving the friendship.

If my friend had that big of a problem with it, how good of a friend is he anyway? He wasn't able to find happiness with her, but he would deny me my potential happiness? That's a pretty crappy friendship.
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One could ask the same question of someone who dates a friend's ex without a second thought about the feelings of their friend about the matter. It's a tricky situation, and a good friend should at the least proceed with a lot of caution.
 
[quote name='dmaul1114']One could ask the same question of someone who dates a friend's ex without a second thought about the feelings of their friend about the matter. It's a tricky situation, and a good friend should at the least proceed with a lot of caution.[/QUOTE]

Yes. You could ask the same question. But asking the same question =/= comparable circumstances. How is my not finding happiness going to lead to my "friend's" happiness? Again, if he is not able to be happy with her, someone should be allowed to be. If he has not found happiness and wants to prevent me from finding my happiness, well he can just go *you know what* himself. He's a crap friend. Me staying away from her is not going to make anyone happy.

And yes, you should for sure proceed with caution, no matter the situation.
 
[quote name='MorPhiend']. If he has not found happiness and wants to prevent me from finding my happiness, well he can just go *you know what* himself. He's a crap friend. Me staying away from her is not going to make anyone happy.
[/QUOTE]

All I was saying is that in some cases (i.e. where the friend got his heart broken) it's probably better to not date the ex and find happiness with someone else. There are a lot of fish in the sea.

Sometimes it may be worth it to take a chance even if they were heartbroken etc. if you've known the girl a long time and know her really well and think she may be "the one".

But I generally wouldn't go for it since I don't really believe in crap like "the one" etc. and feel there are plenty of other girls out there I could find happiness with without jeopardizing a good friendship if my friend was heartbroken and didn't want to see her around etc. etc.
 
Well, first off, there are always risks, but here is what I would say.

1) It doesn't even sound like your friend broke up with her yet. So, that has to happen first.

2) Also, depending on the nature of the breakup, it could be that your friend really is ok with it (what if they're breaking up because she really likes you, and doesn't want to see you daily (or however often) if she can't have you. Your friend may accept it.

The general rule before you begin contemplating this is you wait at least as long as the relationship was. So, they break up, in 2 years, if everyone is ok with it, then go ahead.

Of course, you also have to gauge how much you like the girl compared to your friend. Let's be honest, accept for really close friends, most friends come and go. If she's that one amazing girl that is perfect for you, and this is some guy you may not see in 2 years, then it may well be worth burning that bridge to be with her.
 
[quote name='lordxixor101']
Of course, you also have to gauge how much you like the girl compared to your friend. Let's be honest, accept for really close friends, most friends come and go. If she's that one amazing girl that is perfect for you, and this is some guy you may not see in 2 years, then it may well be worth burning that bridge to be with her.[/QUOTE]

Well said, that was more or less the point I was making.

You have to factor in you value the friendship, as well as how well you know the girl and how into each other you are.

If it's your lifelong best friend, it's probably not worth it in most cases, if it's a more casual friendship and you really feel she may be "the one" then it's more likely to be worth going for it at the risk of the friendship.
 
[quote name='zewone']A real friend wouldn't even think about it.[/QUOTE]

This. A real friend would have claimed "next" immediately the second they started dating two years ago. There would be no reason to think about it, it would have been taken care of well in advance...

In all seriousness, I agree with zewone. Taking your buddy's ex is just one of those things you don't do if you're really a friend. It's like pouring salt on the guy's wound every time he hears about you two or sees you together, even if he never says anything about it.
 
^ what if he was a shitty boyfriend, or your friend is an asshole but still your friend?

You're dating someone or you aren't, and if you aren't, then it's sheepish and foolhardy to not pursue someone you're interested in.
 
there is also the point of the rebound affect.. if you pounce on the newly single female who's to say she wouldn't 'reconsider' her breakup or get to realize she's more into her ex than the "New boy toy" then your screwed and not in a good way..

I'd say you and your new wingman head out full force.. celebrate his new freedom and pursuit of the opposite sex..
 
[quote name='mykevermin']^ what if he was a shitty boyfriend, or your friend is an asshole but still your friend?

You're dating someone or you aren't, and if you aren't, then it's sheepish and foolhardy to not pursue someone you're interested in.[/QUOTE]

If you're willing to go after someone's ex and potentially risk your buddy's friendship then that's your call. Some people probably don't see any harm in it where-as others wouldn't go anywhere near it out of respect for the friend and not wanting to potentially jeopardize the friendship, in which case I'd question how interested you really are in the ex to begin with.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']^ what if he was a shitty boyfriend, or your friend is an asshole but still your friend?

You're dating someone or you aren't, and if you aren't, then it's sheepish and foolhardy to not pursue someone you're interested in.[/QUOTE]

The first definitely matters. Like I said you have to consider a lot of things.

-How much you value that friendship. Is it one of your best friends or just a more casual friend?
-How much you are into the girl (and her into you)? Do you really think there's potential for something serious, or is it just lust?
-What your friends' relationship with her was like?

And on that last one there are various things to consider:

-Was he really into her and got his heart broken or did he just not feel it anymore and decide to break it off?
-Is he a good guy or a womanizing jerk?
-etc. etc.


It's not cut and dry. If my friend is a good guy and treats his girlfriends nice (and if you're my friend those will both be true as I'm very picky on who I socialize with in my limited free time) and was really into the girl, I'd never even remotely consider it.

If it was just a casual dating thing, and he wasn't really into her, then I'd consider it if I was really into the girl, knew here very well and really thought there was a chance for something serious there.
 
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even if the guy is a great friend and an ass to her... you will never know what the relationship was, sure its ultimately up to you but.. he is likely gonna say it was her who left or he dumped her no matter which..

if she is unhappy for whatever reason she may actually be using YOU to either screw up the friendship or get to him in someway

i
 
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