Survivor Charlie
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(These were supposed to go up at Inside Pulse Games, but a delay in relaunching the website has me antsy and since I downloaded $50 worth of Indie games, I'm anxious to see if anyone actually gives a shit about full length reviews for them. This is one of two completed thus far).
The Way Too Indie Review of Baby Maker Extreme
by Charlie Reneke
Baby Maker Extreme
80 Microsoft Points ($1.00 US)
4/8/10 Stegersaurus Games
In a nutshell, you're a baby that is shot like a rocket out of your mother's twat. You go flying across an endless hospital, trying to stay airborne as long as possible. Along the way, you have the ability to either boost yourself back up into the air or shoot yourself downward and bounce off the many obstacles that litter the hallways. Once you use that ability, you can't use it again until you bounce off an object that's glowing blue. That's basically the entirety of the game.
Okay, so it's not deep, but who cares? It's good fun like torturing newborns always is, right? Wrong. The first problem is that Extreme Baby Maker opens with a button mashing sequence. You start by hitting the trigger buttons in sync with an onscreen meter, which is to simulate lamaze by the mother. That wouldn't be so bad, but following this you have to mash the B button to build up the pressure before your baby is fired off into the game. Button mashing always sucks, but the X-Box 360 controller is particularly unsuited for it, and I could only play a couple of sessions at a time before my hands cramped up.
Things don't improve once you get the baby in-flight. Among the issues is the objects scattered about the hospital, regardless of their size, don't seem to have any weight to them. Everything feels like it's made of cardboard, and since the objects that are used to give you the special boost moves don’t make logical sense either... as much logic as can be found in a game about a woman firing a baby-shaped missile from her snatch... the BME is actually little more than a thinly disguised reflex twitcher, the type of game that failed in arcades thirty years ago.
For what it's worth, you can customize your baby using various gimmicks or you can load your avatar up and use it. Why bother though? This game would be amusing for about five minutes if it was a free flash game online. People apparently think Baby Maker Extreme is funny. I can't believe they're serious. Among other things, the title is all wrong. The baby is already pretty much made when the game begins. It's not like you have to
the little thing into existence first, though perhaps that's a good thing because it would undoubtedly be accomplished by more button mashing or even worse, a quick-time event (press X to secretly pull off your condom, bitch will never forget you now!).
The joke begins when the mother launches the child from her flesh cannon and stops being funny after the baby crashes into its first object. It's not as if you're causing visible damage to the damn thing. There's not a lot in terms of animation here. The thing moves to the right of the screen and stuff that it bumps into slowly falls over. Hell, I expected something controversial here. LIMBO's protagonist could be a two-year-old child for all we know and we're sick bastards for having a light chuckle when we step on a bear trap that we didn't see. Yet the game got a violence rating of 2, a sex rating of 3, and a mature rating of 3. Seriously? I've seen legitimate flash-based games used by major companies to advertise insurance that are more risqué then this.
Rating: 1/2* The sad thing is that this game currently has a rating of ***1/2 among users. I'm sure to children this will be the talk of the schoolyard. "Have you played that XBLIG where you shoot a baby through a hospital! It's so gangsta!" To me, this is just proof that people in general have no taste. Once the laughs wore off for me, and that took about five seconds, what was left was a functional but boring twitcher. I really don't see why anyone would feel the need to make a full purchase here. You can get the full experience using the demo and the only thing you can do different with your $1 is trick out your rugrat in various "humorous" outfits. Of all the titles, THIS is the one that is the current best selling XBLIG?
The Way Too Indie Review of Baby Maker Extreme
by Charlie Reneke
Baby Maker Extreme
80 Microsoft Points ($1.00 US)
4/8/10 Stegersaurus Games
In a nutshell, you're a baby that is shot like a rocket out of your mother's twat. You go flying across an endless hospital, trying to stay airborne as long as possible. Along the way, you have the ability to either boost yourself back up into the air or shoot yourself downward and bounce off the many obstacles that litter the hallways. Once you use that ability, you can't use it again until you bounce off an object that's glowing blue. That's basically the entirety of the game.
Okay, so it's not deep, but who cares? It's good fun like torturing newborns always is, right? Wrong. The first problem is that Extreme Baby Maker opens with a button mashing sequence. You start by hitting the trigger buttons in sync with an onscreen meter, which is to simulate lamaze by the mother. That wouldn't be so bad, but following this you have to mash the B button to build up the pressure before your baby is fired off into the game. Button mashing always sucks, but the X-Box 360 controller is particularly unsuited for it, and I could only play a couple of sessions at a time before my hands cramped up.
Things don't improve once you get the baby in-flight. Among the issues is the objects scattered about the hospital, regardless of their size, don't seem to have any weight to them. Everything feels like it's made of cardboard, and since the objects that are used to give you the special boost moves don’t make logical sense either... as much logic as can be found in a game about a woman firing a baby-shaped missile from her snatch... the BME is actually little more than a thinly disguised reflex twitcher, the type of game that failed in arcades thirty years ago.
For what it's worth, you can customize your baby using various gimmicks or you can load your avatar up and use it. Why bother though? This game would be amusing for about five minutes if it was a free flash game online. People apparently think Baby Maker Extreme is funny. I can't believe they're serious. Among other things, the title is all wrong. The baby is already pretty much made when the game begins. It's not like you have to
the little thing into existence first, though perhaps that's a good thing because it would undoubtedly be accomplished by more button mashing or even worse, a quick-time event (press X to secretly pull off your condom, bitch will never forget you now!). The joke begins when the mother launches the child from her flesh cannon and stops being funny after the baby crashes into its first object. It's not as if you're causing visible damage to the damn thing. There's not a lot in terms of animation here. The thing moves to the right of the screen and stuff that it bumps into slowly falls over. Hell, I expected something controversial here. LIMBO's protagonist could be a two-year-old child for all we know and we're sick bastards for having a light chuckle when we step on a bear trap that we didn't see. Yet the game got a violence rating of 2, a sex rating of 3, and a mature rating of 3. Seriously? I've seen legitimate flash-based games used by major companies to advertise insurance that are more risqué then this.
Rating: 1/2* The sad thing is that this game currently has a rating of ***1/2 among users. I'm sure to children this will be the talk of the schoolyard. "Have you played that XBLIG where you shoot a baby through a hospital! It's so gangsta!" To me, this is just proof that people in general have no taste. Once the laughs wore off for me, and that took about five seconds, what was left was a functional but boring twitcher. I really don't see why anyone would feel the need to make a full purchase here. You can get the full experience using the demo and the only thing you can do different with your $1 is trick out your rugrat in various "humorous" outfits. Of all the titles, THIS is the one that is the current best selling XBLIG?