100 Games Giveaway!

Liked and here's a joke:

Man and wife are watching Dr Phil and the subject is about mixed emotions:

Man: This show is BS!
Wife: Why do you say that?
Man: There is no such thing as mixed emotions
Wife: Oh?
Man: yeah, there is nothing you can say to me that will make me happy and sad at the same time
Wife: Well, out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.
 
Dad: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Dad: Your mother's a whore.

I'm not sure if it was supposed to be funny, but I laughed.
 
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
 
Entered, thanks. Unfortunately I'm a horrible joke teller and anything I'd grab would just be a copy past job randomly from some site on the net :p
 
[quote name='irratebass']Liked and here's a joke:

Man and wife are watching Dr Phil and the subject is about mixed emotions:

Man: This show is BS!
Wife: Why do you say that?
Man: There is no such thing as mixed emotions
Wife: Oh?
Man: yeah, there is nothing you can say to me that will make me happy and sad at the same time
Wife: Well, out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.[/QUOTE]

I lol'd.
 
Thanks for the contesttt. Random FML I thought was funny, haha.
Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML
 
Three dogs are in the pound waiting for the vet.

The first dog says to the second dog: "What are you in for?"
To which the second dog replies: "Well I humped my master's leg and now they think I'm to horny, so they sent me in here to get neutered".
Then the first dog says: "Yeah man, I know what you mean. I got into the neighbor's yard and humped their French poodle, so now my masters think that I'm to horny and sent me here to get neutered too".

The first two dogs then turn to the third dog and ask: "Well buddy, what you in for?"
The third dog says: "Well you see my master doesn't have a boyfriend and as a bad habit she likes to walk around the house without any panties on. So, one day I caught her bending over a table to fix something and I ceased my moment."
The two other dogs look at each other, then look at the third dog again and say: "Ahh man, she must be pissed off mad at you, let me guess, you're here to get neutered too huh?"
Third dog: "Neutered? Haha, oh no, I'm just here to get my nails done".
 
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It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"
So the man told his story.
"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up -- I asked for an orange for a head."
 
omg if i win one i would b happy and my joke lol
The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
It goes like this:
A. How much did you make last year?
B. How much do you have left?
C. Send B.

​
 
Damn, I hope it's not too late to enter :D Here is my joke:

"A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which left his digestive system slightly worse for wear. Upon making several false alarm trips to the loo, he figured he might as well stay put. Suddenly, however, he shat in his bed and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the bed linen. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As he stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (who had witnessed the entire fecal incident) walked up to him and asked, "What the hell is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
 
Already a fan so here's an extremely corny joke from a recent movie:


Knock knock?
Who's there?
Owls
Owls who?
Exactly! Owls "hoo".


If you couldn't tell, the joke is from Legends of the Guardians (aka "the owl movie").
 
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