BakaHoushi
CAG Veteran
The following is something I posted on my live journal (www.livejournal.com/users/bakahanyou) and at my deviantART account (www.bakahoushi.deviantart.com). It's, well, just read. You'll laugh. SneakyPenguin did. Ha ha! Deviation.
Warning: Explicit sarcasm is followed up by ridiculously parodied sexual innuendo. Contains references to violent idiots. Parents: Use caution: If you're caught actually believing I'm condoning these acts, well... I got a nice bridge in New York City I'd like to sell you.
Having seen so many anime shows, as well as encountering many a fangirl/fanboy, I've realized the concept of love and lust is very different in these fictional anime worlds than in this plane of reality. Thus, for some non-anime people to understand (who, ironically, probably won't read this), I have made this little list/explanation on how anyone can become or create the perfect anime image of his or herself, create the perfect deviation character, and also analyze anime relationships down to their basic structures! (Do keep in mind, though; some of these contradict each other. A character need not necessarily follow EVERY rule here, but a successful one will follow three or four. Make sure to keep this list in mind while making any marketab-- I mean wonderful characters.)
For boys:
-The first and most important rule to being a bishounen (read: pretty boy) in the eyes of anime characters and fan girls everywhere is to LOOK like a girl. Big muscles, broad shoulders, and short hair and other more "masculine" traits are a big no-no. Long hair, an anorexic figure, and a puny physique is utterly necessary. Also, along with a feminine look, you must have a feminine voice. Deep voices are even worse than having muscles! If someone hasn't mistaken you and your voice for a girl within the last month, you're on the wrong track! (Example: Kenshin from Rurouni Kenshin and pretty much any male from CLAMP)
-Going along with rule one, CROSS DRESS. You don't have to do it every day, but every once in a while, get involved in a situation that requires you to wear a dress or (preferably) a short skirt and school girl outfit. But you can't enjoy it. You must look and act pissed off every second you're dressed as such, despite how well it suits your figure and voice. (Example: Yuki of Fruits Basket)
-If the first two rules cannot be done, go at LEAST for the androgynous look. Make sure people have to check your gender before addressing you. (Example: Any male from CLAMP who doesn't fit the first rule)
-Be a pervert. All girls secretly love a man who shifts through her underwear draw at night and sells pictures of her in the shower on eBay. The more persistent you are, the better. And spend more time fixated on a girl's breasts/butt than her eyes. Bonus points are gained of you ask her as you first meet her, "Would you do me this good favor and bear me a child?" (Example: Miroku from Inuyasha and Godai from Maison Ikkoku)
-Be a homicidal maniac. The only thing girls love more than a pervert is someone who would slit their throats in the night. Things covered in blood are a real turn on. You can have a soft side, sure (in fact, it's recommended) but unless you've decapitated at least 10 people without being provoked yourself, you aren't a real blood luster. (Example: Sesshoumaru of Inuyasha)
-Have an IQ in the single digits. Everyone loves a clueless boy who doesn't know anything other than "villain go splat when I go smashy smashy!" (Example: Gourry from Slayers and Kouga from Inuyasha)
-Be a grouchy, rude hero. Slack off. Yell at people for no reason. Look out for no one but yourself... until your love is in danger. Then come out with swords swinging, guns blasting, and fuzzy mascots using their ultra cute super special attack(s). Then, once the girl is saved and you've nigh-confessed your true feelings for her, with her about to confess her love for you, tell her you didn't mean a thing and that she's stupid/ugly/flat-chested (I recommend that one for the ultimate affect), or all of the above. She punches you and after a few more movies, you'll finally be so deeply in love, nothing can turn you back. (Example: Inuyasha from Inuyasha)
-Wear loose clothing. But more importantly, every time there's a battle, get it cut off. Make sure no fight ever ends with your shirt still in tact and covering your chest. Ever. (Example: Kenshin of Rurouni Kenshin)
-Be a total loser. Glasses, nerdishness, prudishness, etc. Act more concerned with schoolwork and other duties than girls and you'll go far quickly when girls have to actively fight for your attention. (Example: Keitaro Urashima from Love Hina and Tenchi Maskaki of Tenchi Muyo!)
-Lastly, and most importantly, be homosexual/bisexual. Nothing will get a gaggle of girls to giggle girlishly and drool over you faster than holding hands, hugging, and kissing another boy. Nothing. In fact, you can skip all of the rules above if you follow this one. (Yukito x Touya from Card Captor Sakura, the boys of Gravitation, Nuriko of Fushigi Yugi and lots of characters from X)
For Girls
-Wear clothes that are either so overly complicated or too restraining for your actual job. Nothing will get a boy's attention faster than trying to be a police officer while wearing a 9,264-piece suit, each of which must take at least 3 hours to assemble and put on. (Example: Robin's hair in Witch Hunter Robin and Sakura from Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles (while it can be argued that her dresses are more complicated in CCS, she's too young there))
-If you don't have the time, money, or resources to do the first, go with the next best thing: Dresses and skirts too small to actually allow breathing or movement. Catching a guy's attention while wearing a painted-on body suit is easy. Catching anything else, like your breath, is not. (Example: Excel from Excel Saga)
-Three words: School girl uniform. Also note the shorter, the better. I doesn't matter if you're at home in Japan or if you're fighting radioactive green slime monsters in outer space: there's no place a school uniform doesn't fit in. (Example: Kagome of Inuyasha)
-Be at an extreme on the temper scale: Either be so pacifistic that when someone else drops a plate, you apologize and run away from home, crying because you're such an idiot who can't do anything right or... break that dish yourself and beat the crap out of the boy you love because he was OBVIOUSLY staring at you, which is why you dropped it in the first place. THAT PERVERTED LOSER! (Examples: Both from Love Hina: Shinobu Mahera (Pacifist), Naru Narusegawa (Violent bitch))
-Take daily visits to hot springs/public baths, especially ones where the walls between the male and female sides are either particularly breakable or there is a passage between the two for some unknown reason. (Example: Almost any girl in any anime ever made)
-Play the part of the helpless princess in distress. An evil sorcerer in his plot to rule the world kidnapped you! You were attacked by a gang of drug dealers in the dead of night in some random alleyway that you were dumb enough to walk down at night! What's a knight in shining armor without a princess to save? (Examples: I'm sure you can think of many princesses at the top of your head. Oh, I don't know... ZELDA, maybe?)
-Have reproductive organs the size of a watermelon. If your breasts aren't larger than your head, and if you either don't notice them or punch a guys lights out while you display them ever so prominently, you'll never attract a boy (especially the perverted imp of the boy's section). (Example: If I actually have to list examples, you obviously haven't been watching anime very long.)
-Low IQ. See low IQ in the male section. (Example: Mihosi of Tenchi Muyo!)
-Look no older than 16. God, once a girl hits 17, she's just gone forever. Wrinkles everywhere! Yep. Once she hits 17, it's just too late. (Examples: Everyone from everywhere)
So, those are the rules. But for maximum effect, tries these great combos!
Male:
-Pervert, feminine, violent
-Low IQ, loser, grouchy hero
-Homicidal, loose/sparse clothing, bisexual
Female:
-Violent, well-endowed, low IQ
-Complicated clothing, Pacifistic, helpless princess
-Schoolgirl uniform, daily trips to baths, be no more than 16
And there you have it, fan girls and fan boys! Your ultimate guide to love and lust in the realm of anime. And may I suggest that if you exhibit more than 1 of any of these signs, seek counseling. Lots of it.
Thank you, and good night. This is BakaHoushi reminding you to stay in school, do your homework, and punish the stupid.
Warning: Explicit sarcasm is followed up by ridiculously parodied sexual innuendo. Contains references to violent idiots. Parents: Use caution: If you're caught actually believing I'm condoning these acts, well... I got a nice bridge in New York City I'd like to sell you.
Having seen so many anime shows, as well as encountering many a fangirl/fanboy, I've realized the concept of love and lust is very different in these fictional anime worlds than in this plane of reality. Thus, for some non-anime people to understand (who, ironically, probably won't read this), I have made this little list/explanation on how anyone can become or create the perfect anime image of his or herself, create the perfect deviation character, and also analyze anime relationships down to their basic structures! (Do keep in mind, though; some of these contradict each other. A character need not necessarily follow EVERY rule here, but a successful one will follow three or four. Make sure to keep this list in mind while making any marketab-- I mean wonderful characters.)
For boys:
-The first and most important rule to being a bishounen (read: pretty boy) in the eyes of anime characters and fan girls everywhere is to LOOK like a girl. Big muscles, broad shoulders, and short hair and other more "masculine" traits are a big no-no. Long hair, an anorexic figure, and a puny physique is utterly necessary. Also, along with a feminine look, you must have a feminine voice. Deep voices are even worse than having muscles! If someone hasn't mistaken you and your voice for a girl within the last month, you're on the wrong track! (Example: Kenshin from Rurouni Kenshin and pretty much any male from CLAMP)
-Going along with rule one, CROSS DRESS. You don't have to do it every day, but every once in a while, get involved in a situation that requires you to wear a dress or (preferably) a short skirt and school girl outfit. But you can't enjoy it. You must look and act pissed off every second you're dressed as such, despite how well it suits your figure and voice. (Example: Yuki of Fruits Basket)
-If the first two rules cannot be done, go at LEAST for the androgynous look. Make sure people have to check your gender before addressing you. (Example: Any male from CLAMP who doesn't fit the first rule)
-Be a pervert. All girls secretly love a man who shifts through her underwear draw at night and sells pictures of her in the shower on eBay. The more persistent you are, the better. And spend more time fixated on a girl's breasts/butt than her eyes. Bonus points are gained of you ask her as you first meet her, "Would you do me this good favor and bear me a child?" (Example: Miroku from Inuyasha and Godai from Maison Ikkoku)
-Be a homicidal maniac. The only thing girls love more than a pervert is someone who would slit their throats in the night. Things covered in blood are a real turn on. You can have a soft side, sure (in fact, it's recommended) but unless you've decapitated at least 10 people without being provoked yourself, you aren't a real blood luster. (Example: Sesshoumaru of Inuyasha)
-Have an IQ in the single digits. Everyone loves a clueless boy who doesn't know anything other than "villain go splat when I go smashy smashy!" (Example: Gourry from Slayers and Kouga from Inuyasha)
-Be a grouchy, rude hero. Slack off. Yell at people for no reason. Look out for no one but yourself... until your love is in danger. Then come out with swords swinging, guns blasting, and fuzzy mascots using their ultra cute super special attack(s). Then, once the girl is saved and you've nigh-confessed your true feelings for her, with her about to confess her love for you, tell her you didn't mean a thing and that she's stupid/ugly/flat-chested (I recommend that one for the ultimate affect), or all of the above. She punches you and after a few more movies, you'll finally be so deeply in love, nothing can turn you back. (Example: Inuyasha from Inuyasha)
-Wear loose clothing. But more importantly, every time there's a battle, get it cut off. Make sure no fight ever ends with your shirt still in tact and covering your chest. Ever. (Example: Kenshin of Rurouni Kenshin)
-Be a total loser. Glasses, nerdishness, prudishness, etc. Act more concerned with schoolwork and other duties than girls and you'll go far quickly when girls have to actively fight for your attention. (Example: Keitaro Urashima from Love Hina and Tenchi Maskaki of Tenchi Muyo!)
-Lastly, and most importantly, be homosexual/bisexual. Nothing will get a gaggle of girls to giggle girlishly and drool over you faster than holding hands, hugging, and kissing another boy. Nothing. In fact, you can skip all of the rules above if you follow this one. (Yukito x Touya from Card Captor Sakura, the boys of Gravitation, Nuriko of Fushigi Yugi and lots of characters from X)
For Girls
-Wear clothes that are either so overly complicated or too restraining for your actual job. Nothing will get a boy's attention faster than trying to be a police officer while wearing a 9,264-piece suit, each of which must take at least 3 hours to assemble and put on. (Example: Robin's hair in Witch Hunter Robin and Sakura from Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles (while it can be argued that her dresses are more complicated in CCS, she's too young there))
-If you don't have the time, money, or resources to do the first, go with the next best thing: Dresses and skirts too small to actually allow breathing or movement. Catching a guy's attention while wearing a painted-on body suit is easy. Catching anything else, like your breath, is not. (Example: Excel from Excel Saga)
-Three words: School girl uniform. Also note the shorter, the better. I doesn't matter if you're at home in Japan or if you're fighting radioactive green slime monsters in outer space: there's no place a school uniform doesn't fit in. (Example: Kagome of Inuyasha)
-Be at an extreme on the temper scale: Either be so pacifistic that when someone else drops a plate, you apologize and run away from home, crying because you're such an idiot who can't do anything right or... break that dish yourself and beat the crap out of the boy you love because he was OBVIOUSLY staring at you, which is why you dropped it in the first place. THAT PERVERTED LOSER! (Examples: Both from Love Hina: Shinobu Mahera (Pacifist), Naru Narusegawa (Violent bitch))
-Take daily visits to hot springs/public baths, especially ones where the walls between the male and female sides are either particularly breakable or there is a passage between the two for some unknown reason. (Example: Almost any girl in any anime ever made)
-Play the part of the helpless princess in distress. An evil sorcerer in his plot to rule the world kidnapped you! You were attacked by a gang of drug dealers in the dead of night in some random alleyway that you were dumb enough to walk down at night! What's a knight in shining armor without a princess to save? (Examples: I'm sure you can think of many princesses at the top of your head. Oh, I don't know... ZELDA, maybe?)
-Have reproductive organs the size of a watermelon. If your breasts aren't larger than your head, and if you either don't notice them or punch a guys lights out while you display them ever so prominently, you'll never attract a boy (especially the perverted imp of the boy's section). (Example: If I actually have to list examples, you obviously haven't been watching anime very long.)
-Low IQ. See low IQ in the male section. (Example: Mihosi of Tenchi Muyo!)
-Look no older than 16. God, once a girl hits 17, she's just gone forever. Wrinkles everywhere! Yep. Once she hits 17, it's just too late. (Examples: Everyone from everywhere)
So, those are the rules. But for maximum effect, tries these great combos!
Male:
-Pervert, feminine, violent
-Low IQ, loser, grouchy hero
-Homicidal, loose/sparse clothing, bisexual
Female:
-Violent, well-endowed, low IQ
-Complicated clothing, Pacifistic, helpless princess
-Schoolgirl uniform, daily trips to baths, be no more than 16
And there you have it, fan girls and fan boys! Your ultimate guide to love and lust in the realm of anime. And may I suggest that if you exhibit more than 1 of any of these signs, seek counseling. Lots of it.
Thank you, and good night. This is BakaHoushi reminding you to stay in school, do your homework, and punish the stupid.
