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beatngurnuts

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I have a $10 Off Coupon for any purchase from gamestop.com , I only ask you to tell me a funny true story about yourself, the funniest story out of the first 50 posts wins.
 
i dunno if you would consider this sad or funny but here goes. Many years ago I went on a date with a older woman and well after a while it just got uncomfortable and I made the comment of something to the affect of its to personal like from pretty woman. At that point I had seen like 30 seconds of that movie and had no idea she played a prostitue. Needless to say years later when I found out I was more than mildly embarresed...
 
When I was working as a caregiver for the elderly in Scottsdale, Az I had something hilarious happen not to me but my fellow co-worker at the time. This lady named Louisa was a high fall risk but insisted on using her darn walker. Anyways shes strolling slowly down the hall and she falls, she doesnt hit the floor though she gets caught between her walker and this rail and she had this strange superman pose going on. Anyways the nurse (who by the way is a male and im sure was doin some roids) comes up to assess her to see if there is a serious injury, with her butt up in the air he bends down to check her legs and she lets out this monstorous fart pppphhhhhheeeeewwww right in his face. Haha his face turned beet red and myself and the group of people watching him all laughed. Even Louisa
 
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I have a history of sleep walking... 3-4 years ago, Thanksgiving night evidently I woke up, went downstairs, took out some left overs, then fell asleep at the dining room table at like 2AM... I was found later that morning, sleeping, naked at the table. Oh, and evidently I also took the time to relight the candles on the table as well.
 
Back in the 6th grade I was walking out of bathroom and this borderline retarded kid was walking in so as i finished washing my hands i walked past him and said "boo" (like trying to scare him) Somehow he got scared, slipped and hit his head and threw up. I ran out of there so fast then I was standing there with my friends as he was taken out on a stretcher with a neck brace.


Yes he was fine.
 
When i was in the service i went out with a buddy of mine to the club. My friend had a reputation of "thinking" he was some sort of player, But we all knew he just drank way to much and wore drunk goggles. One Day at a Dance club my friend is on the dance floor with this really tall heavy set women, mind you my friend is bout 5'7", he was drunk and actually thought when she leaned back he could support her. I was a wallflower during this time this occured so i had to pleasure (Displeasure) of witnessing this point blank. She leaned Back, the crowd open up to see them both fall and he was now pinned to the floor by this women. I Did what any good embarrassed friend would do, covered my face in shame and walked out on him to the hallway. I heard him in the distance cursing as he struggled to get out from under this large woman on the dance floor. He bursted into the hallway hoping to get away from the scene of the crime, being embarrassed himself.He tried to talk to me saying can you believe that sh*t, i replied , I don't know you man. lol
 
I got back from a beach trip on Monday and late that night I woke up with the worst itching I've ever had in my life. I decided to put aloe on the areas that itched (sunburn related) and couldn't reach the very middle of my back.
I opened a cabinet and found a rubber squeegee that my gf had bought but not used. My girlfriend walked in on me applying aloe with the squeegee and laughed her ass off.
 
When I was driving home last night and getting ready to get off the freeway an ambulance whizzed by me with its sirens blazing and as it passed me the back door opened and this cardboard box fell out, so the rational thing to do was to pull over and see what was in the box. Well I went to go look at the box and there was water leaking from the bottom and it was filled with ice and more importantly and more unexpectedly a finger! Normally I don't think I would know what to do in a situation like that but this time i took charge and guess what i did. I called a tow(toe) truck.
 
I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn't the same.
 
When I was in Jr. High a friend of mine, who was as I would admit a bit was "out there", said he had some old sega genesis games to give me. The next school morning he has a big ol' walmart bag full of genesis games, but there was something off about them. He handed the bag to me and as I looked inside I saw all sorts of games! Then the smell hit me. The thing that was wrong was that the bag was dripping with HUMAN URINE. He told me "YEAH my little cousin peed all over them, but I still brought them to you!" "You like them?! :D

I was disgusted and I threw the bag away, he got pissed of and started talking to himself while nazi marching away. (Later I learned that his dad is really a nazi enthusiast and considers his children his "soldiers") Later on I remembered some of those games I really wanted, so I stuck the bag in my locker, carried them on the bus with me (no one sat next to me on the bus that day, and I walked home with them. I dumped them in the bathroom sink and cleaned them thoroughly with dawn soap and water.

I still have these games to today
 
My friend and me were sitting and watching the news, when an armed robbery story came on. The man ran into the store and fired two shots, he missed both. He was later arrested for attempted murder and robbery, and they were blaming video games such as call of duty for his violent behavior.

Later my friend told me "well I guess he can't blame his bad accuracy on the lag anymore"
 
When I was about 8 years old my cousin and I were outside throwing the baseball around. All of a sudden I felt something strange in my mouth. I spit it out and took a look to see what it was. It was bird crap. From now on it always makes me nervous catching a fly ball.
 
alright so i use to have these dog tag key chains on my shoes.. I was walking in front of my home eating a Tina's pizza burrito. Suddenly the key chains clipped together causing my to fall over.. Felling a sudden burning warmth on my throat. I screamed for help. I could feel blood I had some how cut my throat. I slowly removed my hand to see how bad it was. Only to discover the blood was none other then pizza burrito Id swiped across my neck..
 
This happened just today:

My friends and I were going to a food truck that was around, because, well, we were hungry. So we walk up there, we order, and while I wait for them to find some other stuff they want, this old guy walks up to me. Blue muscle shirt, seemed to be perfectly healthy. He has this bag by his side.

He says "DO YOU HAVE ANY CHANGE?!". Now, normally I'd feel sorry for a poor man walking up to me for change, especially if they're handicapped or elderly. But like I said, he was elderly, but seemed pretty strong and capable for a man his age (along with the air of cigarette smoke or something else...), and he SCREAMED that to me.

I'm standing there, scared s**tless, SLOWLY backing away and going to my friends, telling them "Dude, over there...". But they say "WHAT?" real loud, making me talk louder, as the guy gets closer.

So I just walk to the other side of the street, and the guy walks up to the truck and tells the guy there something. I couldn't hear what it was, but I could tell the vendors were scared too.

Then a cop car goes up there and I"m like "THANK GOD", and he RUNS UP to the right side, where a female was sitting (didn't look like an officer; no uniform). Well he runs up there and I start laughing a little wondering how scared she was too. He again yells "DO YOU HAVE ANY CHANGE?", I don't hear the police officer's or the woman's response, but I assume it was just no, because the guy backed away while pointing yelling: "ONE DAY YOU'LL NEED CHANGE!!!", and runs away dropping his bag for some reason behind a building's dumpster. The cop stays there, and my friends come here, and we walk away discussing it.
 
I was at the Columbus Zoo a few days ago, and I was sitting on a bench in front of the brown bear display. My mind was set on watching the bears walking around, when a woman in front of my pulled out her cell phone.

At first I didn't pay attention, but she started talking obnoxiously loud in that "ghetto black accent" that many of us are familiar with. I'm not trying to sound racist, but that's just how she was talking. From the sound of it, she was talking to her boyfriend or something.

She started talking about the animals that the zoo had. There are no words to describe how hilariously stupid she was. Imagine hearing this in the most obnoxious ghetto-voice you can:

"You shooda seen all the animals here baby. They got like two horses... and a rhino-sa-saurus, and grizzluh bears, and sea whales, and those furry horse rat lookin' things,and a pterodactyl, and a tarantula..."

All I could think was "What the **** zoo are you at?"

I saw her again in line at a concession stand with her family. I just wanted to get a refill, but they took at least 20 minutes just to order food... Most people left, but I stuck around committed to getting my refill. The family's order went something like this (again in a ghetto/slang/whatever voice twice as obnoxious as before):

"I'LL HAVE A SOUVENIR CUP, BUT IT HAS TO BE RED... OH WAIT GIMME ANOTHER ONE BUT MAKE IT GREEN. AND FILL THE RED ONE WITH COKE AND THE OTHER WITH... Uh... uh.... UH.... ARE THERE CHILI ON THE NACHOS AND FRIES? Oh. OKAY I'LL HAVE A HOTDOG. AND FILL THE OTHER ONE WITH FAN-TAAAAY. OH WAIT YOU DONT HAVE FAN-TAAAAY? I'LL HAVE COKE THEN... Hey... Hey... HEY! IS THERE JALAPEN-YOOOZ FOR THE NA-CHOOOZ?... What?... OH... OKAY I'LL HAVE A HOTDOG TOO."
 
Kinda cruel and sad, but some people have told me this was funny.

Was having a family meal in some restaurant a while ago, when a guy on the next table begins having a massive heart attack and starts screaming "arrrrh" to which me dad shouts "BISTO" everyone was in stitches, except the poor man who is now deceased
 
Second week at my current job, I arrive at 8:30 AM to this sight:
Our CEO riding his bicycle around the office being chased by his dog... fortunately for me I have a sense of humor and this has turned out to be a good place to work.
 
When I was a kid I ate my cereal out of a dog bowl that came free with a bag of dog food. Supposedly it was new and unused by the dog. Supposedly.
 
About a week ago I was working with my 6-year old daughter learning how to read. I was trying to teach her how to read the word 'other'. However, she kept pronouncing it as 'author'. I don't like to give answers, I like people to work them out themselves, as it improves learning to have multiple techniques. So, after she couldn't get it by sounding it out, I offered a different alternative for her to try. I asked her to try putting the word into a sentence. Don't ask me why that made sense, but at the time it seemed perfectly reasonable.

She thought about it for a while, then said:

"OK Daddy, here goes: I have no idea what 'author' means."
 
My friend was gonna meet me at my place so we could go see a movie, unfortunately for me I was tired when I got home and fell asleep on top of my bed. I wasn't woken up but later that night I went to meet my friends at the bar and everybody had changed their phone backgrounds to a picture of me in the nude...

Pretty embarrassing.
 
My friends kept giving me shit for not studying abroad in Spain with em this upcoming year. I was talking to one of em online (while hes in Spain), and asked him what he did that day. He told me he went swimming then to a photo shoot for bathing suits and got to kiss a really hot Spanish girl for a pic in a magazine. He then asked me what I did. I told him I played Majoras Mask on n64. He then replied, "oh cool, you should blog about that, like take lots of pics ya know?"

...shoulda gone to Spain...FML...
 
I love this thread idea but not many really funny stories. I was hoping for some american pie style in you're face funny. :)
 
I will like to tell my future wife or girlfriend to get her upper butt a tattoo name "Please insert here" when we gonna get into a room. That is my joke idea. :)
 
[quote name='FNL 4EVA']I love this thread idea but not many really funny stories. I was hoping for some american pie style in you're face funny. :)[/QUOTE]

but that would not be as real. These are the scarrrry real stories...
 
I went into a friend's apartment after a party, waited until he left and nailed the girl he was going to be with because she liked me better anyway. Then, I left the used rubber there to really throw him off. He asked me the next morning and I had to refrain from laughing and said "someone probably broke in"
 
I was in London in 2008. At one point, I got off a bus on Edgware Road. I stopped at the road-side ATM to grab some cash for some food. So... this kid comes up behind me and while I was placing my card back into my wallet, taps me on the right side, then snatched the cash from the vending slot and took off running. I gave chase until the little psycho ran across the road... yes, the busy road full of traffic. So, in the end... I fell for the "tap the other shoulder" trick... and the kicker? The little psycho was probably around 13.... and a girl. So yes. I got mugged by a little girl.

Of course... I was traveling alone and lost... but that excerpt pales in comparison to the rest of that trip through Europe
 
I was looking at CD's in Walmart once with my friends (it was a group of about five 16-17 year old boys) and the CD's are next to the books. This was right before the Twilight movie came out so there were a bunch of the books in the same aisle as the CD's. A man who looked mentally insane walks over to us and says "Are you familiar with Twilight?" in a sort of sarcastic tone. I laughed right in the guys face, figuring he was just messing around with us. His wife then walked over and I realized he was being completely seriously as they started asking which book was the first since there daughter wanted it. I felt so bad about laughing at the guy so I just walked away and never looked back.
 
Can my story be about my friend?

If so, there was this one time back in middle school, in science class, one of my friends was looking at some book and my teacher asked him what he was looking at and he was all like, "I dunno", then she told him to give her the book and he refused. She took it any way and she saw that he was looking at a picture of a couple of dinosaurs... doing it... and she asked why he was looking at it and then he started crying.

I kid you not. It's a classic.
 
I was driving to work once which is like 30 minutes away and I got the hiccups. It was driving me nuts so I tried to think how I could get rid of them while driving my car. I decided that when you are suddenly scared it helps gets rid of hiccups so I tried to start acting like I had just been scared suddenly by somebody. True story, embarrasing, and I looked like a total idiot I'm sure. Oh by the way it worked.
 
I was just leaving Burger King when I reached for the door. Suddenly, a very angry dude was preparing to enter the restaurant and we were facing each other. He looked at me and yelled "Get the F@&K out of me way!". I was briefly stunned at his rudeness but managed to move aside to let him in. As he was moving past me, I stuck my leg out and the angry dude tripped and fell face first to the floor. Now he was the one stunned as he found himself on the dirty floor. Before I walked away I told him "Man, I am so glad you told me to get the F@&K out of your way since you would have landed on me". The whole lunch crowd at BK started to laugh and I left the jerk humiliated to rethink his approach in dealing with strangers.
 
When I was in seventh grade, me and some friends decided to hide outside my house (since there are bushes and trees everywhere) scarring the crap out of the kids trick or treating. It was going great until my friend Jared decided he wanted to get one of the kid's coming up the driveway really good (cause the kid was an annoying little asshole). Jared was on the other side of the yard so he made a mad dash to the driveway. The problem was he was wearing his glasses under his mask and the increased breathing caused them to fog up and severely obstruct his vision. Growling like an inhuman creature wearing a crazy mask he got about 10 feet from the driveway and forgot about the picnic table. He smacked into the table with so much force it propelled him into a complete flip and he promptly face planted into a rose bush. Everyone, including my parents, were doubled over a few seconds then went to check on him. He was all right a slight dent in his shin and some scrapes from the rose bush's thorns.
 
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Keep up the good work, not too many funny stories though, most are good, there are too many if I was there it would be funny kinda of stories. Someone is clearly in the lead JDBar his story was merely observational, but it was easy to imagine and relate too, therefore funny.
 
I had been dealing with a hernia for about a year and it was starting to really bother me. My work office is above an auto parts store and has stairs that lead up from the parking lot. Well, I wanted to check how bad the hernia was because it was getting pretty painful. I dropped my pants and underwear and started feeling around down there, coughing, turning my head, looking down, etc. After a few minutes I looked up and there was some guy standing in the doorway watching me. I tried to pull my pants up quickly, but got tangled and fell down. As I struggled with my pants the guy said he had a delivery for the auto parts store. I finally got my pants and underwear back up, and told the guy the auto store was the place below. He just said thanks and left. I didn't know if he was shocked, enjoyed the show or what. I'm not sure if he told the guys at the auto store, but I tried to avoid them after that.

About 2 weeks later I had to have emergency surgery to fix the hernia.
 
I was waiting between classes near the stairs at one of the buildings at my old college. I heard steps coming down the stairs and turned to see a chunky-ish girl coming down the stairs reading a book. She must have thought she knew how many steps there were to the bottom because I can guarantee you that she forgot about the last one. She completely missed the last step and face planted right in front of me on the marble floor. She looked up at me with a puzzled expression on her face and began crying, saying, "Whyyyy?" over and over again. I picked up my bag and left the frumpy bitch to her tears. By the time I got around the corner she was in a full fledged cry, still choking out, "Whyyyy?" every now and again.

But wait, it gets better. I'm standing outside the cafeteria building talking to a few friends a few days after this and I see the same girl come out carrying a milkshake. She was enjoying the fuck out of that milkshake. I began to tell the story to my friends about what had happened to her the last time I saw her. I was in the middle of this as she missed a step or something and she went down hard again in the middle of the road. Her milkshake exploded all over the ground and she began weeping because of the spilled treat (she really didn't go down as hard as the first time I saw her). Sadly, I never saw her again.
 
When I was younger, I soaked in a bathtub full of water to relax then I farted and the fart created some bubbles that rise up to the top of the water. I was laughing and thought at the same time "Hey that's cool."
 
[quote name='AkumaSon']When I was younger, I soaked in a bathtub full of water to relax then I farted and the fart created some bubbles that rise up to the top of the water. I was laughing and thought at the same time "Hey that's cool."[/QUOTE]

yeah, "when you were younger..." riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
 
I once got hammered on New Years Eve, took a dump behind a dumpster, then made two of my friends smell it... which resulted in all of us throwing up pretty much everything we ate and drank that night (wings, booze... babies?)
 
When I was dating a girl back in college, I let her wax my bushy eyebrows. She said they would just be trimmed up a bit, but when she got done, I had almost no eyebrows left -- and it didn't look like a trim! They took like forever to grow back in properly and I felt incredibly stupid for letting her even touch them.
Needless to say, we weren't together much longer.
 
Couple weeks ago I had a elderly patient I helped get out of bed after I changed her dressing and disconnected her IV so she could go down to the therapy room and Im helping her stand to transfer to her wheelchair, she feels like she is going to fall and reaches out and grabs my scrubs pants and manages to depants me while the charge nurse in the hall is walking by. So charge nurse starts laughing which of course attracts the other nurse on duty which attracts some of the therapists which all found it to be hillarious.

To add insult to injury she is sitting up after therapy to eat lunch and when she is done is pooped out and wants to lay down but cant manage even with my help to get up on her own. So I just put her arm over my shoulder and grab her under the legs and pick her up to lay in the bed. I make some comment about hoping no one see's us like this after her pulling my pants down earlier and she starts laughing and pee's herself which of course ends up on the front of my shirt. Which makes her laugh more and pee a little more and she is laughing and almost crying because she thinks its hillarious but is embarassed and trying to apologize to me at the same time.
 
well here goes nothing, happened today. i was at the gym trying to show off to these few hot girls that walked into the weight room, and let's just say i'm more brains than brawn (or so i tell myself), and i jump up to do a few pull ups but instead i find my first kiss to be with the metal bar. I jumped up to high that I hit my lip and started bleeding....great way to start off college right?
 
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This one time I was at a funeral and these old women (in there 70s-80s) were up front giving a speech. This being a funeral it was really somber and sorrowful. Anyways they had set up a projector screen in the front of the room and it was supported by a metal frame with a couple supportive legs laid out of the ground. Well they had a presentation about the deceased person's life, and when the presentation was done, one of the old lady's was walking across the front of the room toward the alter, when she tripped over the leg of the projector frame. A couple of people gasped and said "Oh my god is she okay" in hushed tones probably thinking she had just broken her hip. On the other hand I started laughing uncontrollably (it was one of those times where I laughed and couldn't stop because then my brother started laughing too). So me not wanting to look like an inconsiderate a$$-hole, I acted like I was crying instead of laughing. It worked, but my parents were super pissed after the funeral.
 
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i hope you can read online braille.
 
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