Joke wars! Winter 2005!

ilikeTOFU

ilikeTOFU

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not sure if this will catch on, but i propose that we start a joke thread monthly just so each thread does not get too big. If this has been done, please move my post accordingly...


so have you heard any good jokes lately? =]

here is one of my fav. kekekekeke

_________________________________________

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and
notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to go shopping -- Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...
what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran
into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!'"

_________________________________________
 
Here's a knock knock joke I made up work today:

Knock knock knock knock knock.

Who's there?

Michael J. Fox. He was trying to ring the doorbell.
 
Long and Loving Couple....


A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in
Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. "What a
peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man."We
visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of
the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife'shorse stumbled and
she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's
twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman!? Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
 
I think a joke thread would be great.

Here's one that I just heard:


Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.
 
A New York woman was weeping by the pier at night thinking about suicide. A sailor, seeing how beautiful she is tells her

"Stop! You have so much to live for!"

She replies, "No I don't!"

He can't stand the idea of this lovely young thing dying before he got a shot at hookin' up with her so he tells her

"Well, it's better to run away for a while so that you can at least think about what you want to do with your life. That's better than just giving up and dying. My ship heads to Europe tonight. But we have to hurry. It'll be leaving soon."

She tells him, "But I have no money to pay you."

Looking her over, he says, "Well there are 'other' ways to pay me back. But we gotta go now or my captain will find out where you are! It's a long trip lasting for a few months."

She gets the hint and stows away on his ship in the cover of night. They proceed to make love every night and he feeds and takes care of her every day but always telling her never to leave his room or she'll be caught. One day, she leaves the room door open and the captain walks in to ask the sailor something. He finds the girl and yells, "Who the hell are you and what're you doing here?!"

She replies, "One of your men is taking me to Europe. He feeds me and takes care of me. Oh yeah, he's also screwing me."

He tells her, "Yeah, he's definitely screwing you. This is the barge to Staten Island."
 
He tried to be a loving husband, so he softly told her, "Your breasts are so beautiful that I want to take a photograph of them so I can frame it." She replied, "Yeah? Well, I want to take a photograph of your penis so I can enlarge it!"


The blond father was in the delivery room for his wife's first birth. She gave birth to perfect little twin boys. He turned to his wife and said, "All right! Who's the other father?!"
 
There were 3 guys doing some sightseeing on the Eiffel Tower. One of them hits something with his foot and finds a lamp. As a joke, he tells the other 2 guys that he's gonna rub in case a genie comes out. Sure enough one does. He tells the guys he'll give them one wish each but in order for their wish to come true, they have to take a leap of faith and jump off the tower and yell out what they want.

So the first guy takes a running start and jumps off and yells, "I want to be on my own island surrounded by beautiful women!" He disappears and ends up on his island with hot babes.

The second guy stands on the rail carefully and jumps off. He yells, "I want to be rich and on a plane traveling around the world!" Poof! and off he goes on his plane.

The third guy is a bit hesitant as he is scared of heights (why he was on the tower in the first place then I don't know but I'm not the originator of this joke). So he peers over the edge and is still hesitant to go. The genie is getting annoyed at this but tells him all he has to have is a bit of faith. The guy is still unsure and says, "I don't know..." when a gust of wind pushes him off. As he's falling down, he yells, "Ooooooooooh Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" and poof! becomes a pile of shit falling off the Eiffel Tower.
 
A man was packing for a business trip while his 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. She said, "Daddy, look at this!" and stuck out two fingers. Trying to entertain her, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth, saying, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" and pretended to eat them. He got more clothes from the closet, but when he returned, his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. "What's wrong, honey?" he asked. She replied, "Where's my booger?"


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The difference between male and female friendship: A woman stayed out all night and the next day told her husband that she slept over at a friend's house. He called his wife's ten best friends and not one of them knew a thing about it. On the other hand, a man stayed out all night and the next day told his wife that he slept over at a friend's house. She called her husband's ten best friends and eight of them verified that he really did sleep over at their house while the other two claimed he was still there!
 
[quote name='evilmregg']Here's a knock knock joke I made up work today:

Knock knock knock knock knock.

Who's there?

Michael J. Fox. He was trying to ring the doorbell.[/QUOTE]

LOL...so wrong...
 
[quote name='bobo2k4']What the difference between a black man and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of 4.

Oh how i love racism.[/QUOTE]
Oh how I despise racism.
 
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
 
[quote name='Graystone']One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."[/QUOTE]

:lol::lol::lol::applause::applause::applause:
 
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
 
An airplane gets struck by lightning and is heading towards the ocean

An older yet beautiful woman in the front row realizing she is about to die stands up and says "I have only cared about work all my life and missed out on all the important things in life"

She then says "Cant any man here make me feel like real woman just once"


The plane is unusually quiet for one crashing as all the men are looking at each other


Finally an extremely attractive man stands up, he holds her hand and looks deep into her eyes.


He says "I can make you feel like a woman"

He takes off his shirt and reaches out to her and says

"Iron this for me"
 
Didja hear the one about the blonde who said she'd do ANYTHING to get that nice leather jacket she saw at the mall... but now can't button it across her belly?

What is a blonde mating call?

I'm soooo drunk!

What is a brunette mating call?

Is that blonde bitch gone yet?

What do you call 50 blondes lined up ear to ear?

A wind tunnel.

How do you kill a blonde?

Put a Scratch N Sniff at the bottom of a pool.

What's another way?

A mirror.

What do you call a beaten and bruised brunette by the side of the road?

One who's told one too many blonde jokes

How does a blonde turn on the light?

Open the car door.

How many blondes does it take to put in a lightbulb?

One. She takes the lightbulb and waits for the world to revolve around her.

Two blondes were walking in the woods one day when, in the clearing they saw some tracks. One blonde said they must be deer tracks while the other said it was bear tracks. The two were still arguing when the train hit them.

A blonde opened a box and all the pieces fell out on the table. She started to put them together but was getting frustrated so she calls her boyfriend. Her boyfriend comes over and asks what's the problem. She says that she saw the box at the store and wanted to solve the puzzle. It had a tiger on the box. He told her, "Honey, you might as well go wash up. I'll clean up the mess you made with the cereal."

A midget in a green outfit walks up to a pretty blonde in an Irish pub. He tells her he'll give her any 3 things in the world. She thinks about it and says, "Well, I do kinda need a way to get around the city. The bus is soooo inconvenient."

He says, "Ok, you now have a Ferrari waiting outside. What next?"

"Well, I do have some money problems..."

"Ok, you now have $10 million dollars in your bank account as well as bag o'money in the back of the Ferrari. And your final wish?"

"Well, *blush* I'd kinda like to have a boyfriend..."

"Done. He's waiting for you at home and he's got Brad Pitt's face and hung as a horse."

The girl is so happy she jumps for joy and says, "Wow! That's great! How can I ever repay you?"

The little man says, "Well how's about a blowjob?" She thinks about it and says, "Ok, that's a small price to pay." So they go to the bathroom and proceed to business. When they're done and washed up and the girl is getting ready to leave. The midget tell her,

"Thanks. But can ask you something? How old are you?"

She replies, "I'm 20, why?"

He smirks and says, "And you still believe in leprechauns?"
 
What's green and smells like pork?





Kermit the Frog's finger!

Just in time for the 1st season DVD release!
 
[quote name='jaykrue']

........... Two blondes were walking in the woods one day when, in the clearing they saw some tracks. One blonde said they must be deer tracks while the other said it was bear tracks. The two were still arguing when the train hit them.......

[/QUOTE]

:rofl:this one is awesome!!!
 
[quote name='evilmregg']Here's a knock knock joke I made up work today:

Knock knock knock knock knock.

Who's there?

Michael J. Fox. He was trying to ring the doorbell.[/QUOTE]
my personal favorite.
 
[quote name='megashock5']How do you introduce your hamburger at a picnic?

"Everyone, meat patty"[/QUOTE]

I believe the correct joke to that punchline is "How does the butcher introduce his wife? - Meet Patty"
 
*** With apologies to my Chinese brethren ***

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES!

Read'em Out Loud

----------------------------------------------------------------
"That's not right"

Sum Ting Wong

"Are you harboring a fugitive?"

Hu Yu Hai Ding?

"See me ASAP"

Kum Hia Nao

"Stupid Man"

Dum Fuk

"Small Horse"

Tai Ni Po Ni

"Did you go to the beach?"

Wai Yu So Tan?

"I bumped into a coffee table."

Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

"I think you need a face lift"

Chin Tu Fat

"It's very dark in here."

Wao So Dim

"I thought you were on a diet."

Wai Yu Mun Ching

"This is a tow away zone."

No Pah King

"Our meeting is scheduled for next week."

Wai Yu Kum Nao?

"Staying out of sight"

Lei Ying Lo

"He's cleaning his automobile."

Wa Shing Ka

"Your body odor is offensive."

Yu Stin Ki Pu

"Great!"

Fa Kin Su Pah!
 
[quote name='evilmregg']Here's a knock knock joke I made up work today:

Knock knock knock knock knock.

Who's there?

Michael J. Fox. He was trying to ring the doorbell.[/QUOTE]

:rofl:

What's brown and sticky?




A stick.


And the joke I always post:

What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?




I don't fuck the apple before I eat it.
 
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']:rofl:

What's brown and sticky?




A stick.


And the joke I always post:

What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?




I don't fuck the apple before I eat it.[/QUOTE]

Eww... well, if we're going to do the dead baby jokes...WARNING THESE ARE SOME OF THE MOST TASTELESS JOKES EVER; DON'T LET THE BOSS OR THE SPOUSE SEE YOU READING THESE!!!!!

Q: What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?

A: A baby with a javelin through its throat.

Q: What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies?

A: One live one in the middle is eating its way out.

Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?

A: A baby in a baggie.

Q: What's present do you get for a dead baby?

A: A dead puppy.

Q: What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?

A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

Q: What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?

A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!

Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?

A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?

A: It was stapled to the chicken.

Q: What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?

A: An erection.

Q: Why did the baby fall off the swing?

A: Because it had no arms or legs.

Q: What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?

A: A bus load of babies on fire.

Q: What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?

A: Nailing it to a dead puppy.

Q: What's grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?

A: One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

Q: What's pink and chunky?

A: A baby with leprosy.

Q: Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?

A: So you can pick them up five at a time.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket.

Q: What's pink and spits?

A: A baby in a frying pan.

Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?

A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

Q: What's more fun than a barrel of dead babies?

A: Sticking pins in their eyes.

Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?

A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.
 
[quote name='bobo2k4']What the difference between a black man and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of 4.

Oh how i love racism.[/QUOTE]

Q: How many racists does it take to make this thread a better place?


A: Zero.
 
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club.

They meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows his instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth.
 
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']Q: How many racists does it take to make this thread a better place?


A: Zero.[/QUOTE]
Ok so you laugh at the dead baby and baby rape jokes but you find the pizza joke the most offensive?
 
Once,a wise man took his son out near the forest and saw something that would impart a wise lesson to his son. He turned to him and said

"You are no longer a child, and soon will enter the world of men. Hear me well my son, and learn."

The little boy replied, "Yes, father"

"What do you see over there in the distance?"

The son said, "Trees...and monkeys!"

"Indeed. What do they do?"

"They...climb up the tree, and down the tree...and up..."

"Yes, you perceive well. As with these creatures, so it is with men.
The monkeys high up in the trees see nothing but smiling faces looking up...and those below, all they see above them are a bunch of assholes."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy named Jonny and a girl named Jane were playing the age ol' game of 1up whenever they played together...doing one better than the other person. Jonny would show Jane his new tricycle. Jane would bring her brand new bicycle the next day. And so, the competition started getting fierce and the dads of both kids were getting tired (not to mention poor from all their kids' toys) so one day, Jonny's dad tells him,

"Jonny, hear's something that Jane will never have",

pointing at Jonny's crotch. He added,

"That's what makes boys and girls different"

So lil Jonny flashes Jane his penis and Jane looks down to see if she has one but is shocked to find out she doesn't. She cries all the way home as Jonny stood there laughing. Her dad hears her come in sobbing and asks,

"What's wrong, sweetie?"

*sniff* "Jonny from down the street showed me something that I don't have"

Her dad goes,

"And what's that?"

"His pee-pee"

Now Jane's dad wasn't gonna let this snot nose punk get away with this so he whispers something to his daughter. The next day Jane, beaming w/ joy skips over to Jonny. To seal the defeat, Jonny once again flashes Jane to remind her of her "lacking qualities" and says,

"Haha, you still don't have one of these!"

Jane surprises Jonny by flashing him her crotch and sticking out her tongue. She says,

"Nyaah, nyaah, my daddy told me with this (point to her crotch) I can get as many of those as I want!"
 
[quote name='Saucy Jack']I think a joke thread would be great.

Here's one that I just heard:


Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.[/QUOTE]

Whats grey and comes in quarts?

An elephant.
 
[quote name='jaykrue']So lil Jonny flashes Jane his penis and Jane looks down to see if she has one but is shocked to find out she doesn't.[/QUOTE]

Ok, that just totally kills the realism. :lol:



---------------------------------------------------------------------

A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.

Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"

The little boy replies, "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------



A guy and a girl are having sex, and the girl says, "Don't you think it was presumptuous of you to think you could sleep with me on the first date?"

The man replies, "Don't you think 'presumptuous' is a big word for a second-grader?"


---------------------------------------------------------------------


A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.

A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?"

The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.

The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents mangled on the rocks below.

The man turns around, unzips his fly, and says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------



What's the best part about fucking a six-year-old girl?
When you're done, you can turn her over and pretend you're fucking a six-year-old boy!


---------------------------------------------------------------------


A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.

The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"

The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------


A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?"

"That's a penis, honey."

"When am I going to get one of those?" she asked, innocently.

"As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall."


---------------------------------------------------------------------
 
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']
A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?"

"That's a penis, honey."

"When am I going to get one of those?" she asked, innocently.

"As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall."
[/QUOTE]

:lol:
you're so fucking wrong, but that one was pretty damn funny
 
[quote name='The Successful Dropout']:lol:
you're so fucking wrong, but that one was pretty damn funny[/QUOTE]

Personally I like the "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!" one. :lol:
 
[quote name='sblymnlcrymnl']Personally I like the "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!" one. :lol:[/QUOTE]

the joke was too long...by the end of it, i felt a connection to the girl :cry:
 
[quote name='Snake2715']Some of these are giving me images from the old garbage pail kid cards...[/QUOTE]

Were the garbage pail kids ever really popular? I remember the trading cards and decals, but what other promotional material did this franchise have?
 
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