Make Me Laugh - Win A Prize

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austenwithane

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So it's yet another rainy day here in Pennsylvania and I could use a good laugh.

I have an XBOX Live Uno Game code I am willing to send to the first person to make me laugh.

It can be a joke, a quote, an observation on life, etc - the first person who cracks me up in my office wins.

A couple of things -

No Videos - since I'm at work I won't really be able to watch them
If you post a picutre - please keep it clean-ish because once again I'm in the office.

I'll be checking back here throughout the day.

Austen
 
I'll give it a shot.. (pun is totally intended.)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender "I"ll have 20 shots of tequila." The bartender looks at him and says "What the occasion?"
The man says "My first blow job." The bartender smiles and says "I think that deserves 21 shots the last ones on me."
The man replies "No thanks, if 20 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."
 
A man gets a phone call at work. It's nurse from the Emergency Room at the Hospital. She says "Your wife has been in a horrible car accident and she's being operated on right now. We need to you get here as soon as you can!" The man runs out the door barely remembering to hang up the phone and rushes to the hospital.

He asks at the front desk where he can find his wife and the nurse points at a doctor walking out of the OR and tells the man that he is the one that was operating on her. The man rushes up the doctor and can't ask fast enough how his wife is doing.

The doctor give the man a grim look and says, "Well, your wife was barely breathing when they brought her in. Her abdomen was impaled in a few places and the vital organs that weren't torn open were bruised and a beaten, she had two broken legs, one of her arms was hanging by a few strands of muscle and her face was a mess."

The man anxiously asks "Well can I see her?"

The doctor replies, "It's not the simple. You see, we did the best we could but I'm afraid there's going to be some damage that will greatly affect her for the rest of her life. She'll spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair and she'll have to wear diapers. She'll be pissing and shitting herself almost constantly as she's lost all control of the organs that take care of that. You'll have to change her, bathe her and feed her because she's paralyzed from the neck down."

The man interrupts the doctor "That's fine, I'm just so happy the Lord didn't take her from me, I'll do whatever it takes..."

The doctor continues "She won't remember much of anything because she had extensive brain damage. She probably won't remember who she is, let alone who you are or even how to talk. I gotta warn you, her face is badly scarred. We had to reconstruct part of her skull and while plastic surgery can take care of some of the damage, you'll likely not recognize the face you've grown to love ever again."

The man pleads with the doctor "Please, please just let me see her, I'll do anything it takes just to have her by my side!"

The doctor gives a little smirk and says "Nah, I'm just fuckin' with you. She's dead."
 
Connecting to server...
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Stranger: i love you too
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You: AAAHHHHH you are DEAAAAD!!!
Stranger: now im not
You: you are like pedophile jesus
You: you have risen!
Stranger: hahahaaaaa
You have disconnected.
 
One day an angel came down from the heavens and noticed two statues, one of a naked man and one of a naked women. The angel wondered what these statues would do if they were given five minutes of life, so, the angel proceeded to bring them to life. Once alive and awake the angel ask, "i have given you life you can do as you wish", so, the male statue looked at the female statue and said "do you want to do it". The female statue replied "sure" so, they both go behind a bush & after some rustling of the bushes came out two and a half minutes later. The statues tell the angel they are done, the angel puzzled says "you still have two and a half minutes left", so, the male statue looked at the female statue and said "do you want to do it again" and the female statue replied "yes, BUT THIS YOU HOLD THE PIGEON AND I POOP ON HIM"
 
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.


attempt 2

I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an asshole.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an asshole out here?’ They look like trees.

attempt 3

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.
 
A man was sitting by the bedside of his dying wife, when she told him that with so little time left, she wanted their to be no secrets between them. At the foot of their bed was a chest he had never been allowed to open, and its contents had remained a mystery until this point. Taking the key from a chain around her neck, she bade him open the chest, which he did. Inside he found nearly $50,000 cash, and three ears of corn. He asked his wife what it meant, and she replied. "Honey, I hate to admit this, but I cheated on you several times, and had filthy passionate sex with total strangers. Each time I did, I placed an ear of corn in the chest." Though he was momentarily angry, the husband quickly forgave the wife, much to her surprise. "It's alright dear, our love is stronger than a few transgressions. But what about this money?" Now the wife coughed nervously. "Uh, well, the thing is, every time I got a bushel of corn, I, uh, sold it."
 
omgkitty.bmp



Second try-

babydevil.bmp
 
Did you hear Mcdonalds is starting a new sandwhich? In honor of Michael Jackson Mcdonalds is starting to serve the McJackson. It's 50 year old meat between two eight year old buns.
 
Here is my try:

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Too k me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI​

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VARGAS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on ca nned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final en try is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No Report
 
[quote name='Irukandji']I turn 23 on Sunday and I'm still a virgin. Give me the code or I'll kill everybody.[/QUOTE]

Good stuff.
 
[quote name='Irukandji']I turn 23 on Sunday and I'm still a virgin. Give me the code or I'll kill everybody.[/QUOTE]

Ya... give it to that guy, so he can meet some babes playing some online Uno.
 
All amusing so far, although I have heard most of these before. Keep 'em coming though and I'll pick a winner by 4pm Eastern.

Just heard this one in my office:

Q. "What does Michael Jackson and Red Bull have in common?"
A. "They both come in small cans."
 
Wow - figured my chili joke was a sure thing LOL. Here is another just because:

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
 
[quote name='slipnot37']Did you hear Mcdonalds is starting a new sandwhich? In honor of Michael Jackson Mcdonalds is starting to serve the McJackson. It's 50 year old meat between two eight year old buns.[/QUOTE]
Not funny, McJackass.
 
Not so much a joke. But made me laugh.


Word:
Ambushed Paddington

Definition:
When having sex with a girl and you're just about to finish, you pull out and release all over her stuffed animals.

Example:
Dude, that girl won't ever talk to me again after I ambushed Paddington.
 
Umm, I'll just tell a story.

Yesterday, my ferret climbed onto my couch, and then onto the very top of the couch. From there, it managed to climb onto a kitchen counter. It saw something interesting (the little cup to pepto bismol) in the sink, so it jumped in and started playing in the sink.

I told my uncle on the phone, and he immediately replied with "Oh, it's ferret faucet!"
 
You better put on your giggle-turban, because we're headed to Laughanastan!


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Man I hope you're not made of plaster, or else you would be all cracked up!
 
Q: Why doesn't Santa visit the jews house on Christmas?
A: There was a parking meter on the roof


Q: What's faster then a speed bullet?
A: A jew with a credit card LOL


Q: What do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand?
A: Cuatro-cinco

LOL :p
 
1.how do you kill a bus full of retards? you put poison on the windows :p

2.A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "fuck off, you won't bring it back."

3.Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy - think about it :p

4.When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

5.I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

hope u find em funny :p
 
[quote name='LOTT42']Wow - figured my chili joke was a sure thing LOL.[/QUOTE]

If it makes you feel better, you got me to start cracking up in the middle of the office. Damn you :p
 
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 Who?
You said you'd never forget : (


Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interuptin . . .
Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
 
[quote name='the_punisher']If it makes you feel better, you got me to start cracking up in the middle of the office. Damn you :p[/QUOTE]

Everyone in my office was cracking up so bad they we're all in tears the first time I sent it. The boss came in and thought we had all lost our minds. I laugh my butt off everytime I read it. :)
 
These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. Clients were asked for a brief statement describing their particular car accident, and this is what they wrote.
1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
6. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
 
Ok so I know I said no videos - but I can't help but losing it everytime Ohrams Cat runs into the plastic wrap - WINNER! Will send code over via PM. Funny stuff to (almost) everyone else. Some of them would have won if I hadn't seen them before - (Chili Cookoff was/is great, but as I said - seen it before).

I also have a 30 Day XBOX Live Gold that I'll give it away on Monday with another contest - maybe Trivia or something.

Thanks to all - made my day just a little bit better!
 
[quote name='kylechu1170']These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. Clients were asked for a brief statement describing their particular car accident, and this is what they wrote.
1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
6. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.[/QUOTE]

:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:
 
[quote name='HanSolomente']Proof that Girls = Evil:
evil-women.jpg
[/QUOTE]
Oh man - If you hadn't entered so late Han Solomente - you would have won! Lauginh my ass off here.
 
[quote name='austenwithane']Oh man - If you hadn't entered so late Han Solomente - you would have won! Lauginh my ass off here.[/QUOTE]

No worries. I already have Uno. Just wanted to lighten up your day :)
 
This was from Gran Torino. It made me laugh, haha:

A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."
 
Um I'll take a crack at this lol...Wanna start a conversation with a girl??Tell her this..
You:Girl did you fart??
Girl:Wtf No why?
You:Because you blow me awayyyyyyy!!






Note:If you get kick in the balls,Get your butt beat,Got police called on you, I take no responsibility of you or whoever does this retarted thing I just said...
 
Grammar is important. it makes these 2 sentences mean entirely different things. I helped my uncle Jack, off a horse. I helped my uncle jack off a horse.
 
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