E-Z-B
CAGiversary!
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It's a scientific fact. The hardest video games are found on retro consoles. And the Nintendo Entertainment System, from the mid-1980s, has more difficult games than any other system. At a time when children made up the majority of players — and welcomed crazy hard puzzles to pass the time — designers weren't shy about making their games nightmarishly difficult. And the following NES games are beyond demanding. They're downright hopeless.
'Bionic Commando'
Video game heroes jump. It's what they do best. But apparently, developer Capcom was absent the day they taught jumping. "Bionic Commando" sure as heck looks like a platforming game, but you can't jump in it. You have to control this plumber's snake of an arm to get from point "a" to point "b." But it doesn't go where you want it to go. And point "b" is really far from point "a." And there are lots of annoying enemies in between, making it impossible. Die, "Bionic Commando." Just die.
'Paperboy'
This game reputedly has seven levels marked by seven days of the week. But I wouldn't know it. I never made it past Monday, the first level. If you were one of the few souls to ever make it to Tuesday, you deserve an honorary spot at the President's dinner table. And for those of you who made it to Wednesday — all three of you — you deserve to have individual skateboard parks erected in your name and placed in the middle of every remaining paper route in America.
'Contra'
You want to know the mother of all cheat codes? It's up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A. "Contra" players have this seared in their memory, because it's the only way to even attempt beating the game. Once entered, players were granted 30 extra lives — not that it mattered, really. Waves of enemies can routinely kill you that many times in fewer than two minutes. Without the code, "Contra" would be a shoe-in as no. 1 on our list.
'Mike Tyson's Punch-Out'
The act of throwing one's controller was first documented in 1987 by a young player from Omaha, who happened upon a toothy Mike Tyson for the first time in "Punch-Out." True story. Sure, the game tricks you into thinking you can become the world's heavyweight champion early on, with beatable wussies like Glass Joe and Don Flamingo. But once you get to the final fight with Mike Tyson, your dreams will be shattered. He cannot be beat. Nintendo even said so.
'Battletoads'
I was tricked into playing "Battletoads." At the time of its release, the game featured incredible graphics, so I played it. That is to say, I tried to. With only three "continues" and no game saves, there is simply no way to endure the never-ending levels with their incessant enemy attacks to reach the end. I couldn't make it past the second level. World-renowned for its extravagant difficulty, "Battletoads" is widely regarded as the most difficult game ever made. And the most infuriating.
My top ones:
Battletoads
Castlevania
Batman
Castle of Dragon
Golgo 13
TMNT
Friday the 13th
It's a scientific fact. The hardest video games are found on retro consoles. And the Nintendo Entertainment System, from the mid-1980s, has more difficult games than any other system. At a time when children made up the majority of players — and welcomed crazy hard puzzles to pass the time — designers weren't shy about making their games nightmarishly difficult. And the following NES games are beyond demanding. They're downright hopeless.
'Bionic Commando'
Video game heroes jump. It's what they do best. But apparently, developer Capcom was absent the day they taught jumping. "Bionic Commando" sure as heck looks like a platforming game, but you can't jump in it. You have to control this plumber's snake of an arm to get from point "a" to point "b." But it doesn't go where you want it to go. And point "b" is really far from point "a." And there are lots of annoying enemies in between, making it impossible. Die, "Bionic Commando." Just die.
'Paperboy'
This game reputedly has seven levels marked by seven days of the week. But I wouldn't know it. I never made it past Monday, the first level. If you were one of the few souls to ever make it to Tuesday, you deserve an honorary spot at the President's dinner table. And for those of you who made it to Wednesday — all three of you — you deserve to have individual skateboard parks erected in your name and placed in the middle of every remaining paper route in America.
'Contra'
You want to know the mother of all cheat codes? It's up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A. "Contra" players have this seared in their memory, because it's the only way to even attempt beating the game. Once entered, players were granted 30 extra lives — not that it mattered, really. Waves of enemies can routinely kill you that many times in fewer than two minutes. Without the code, "Contra" would be a shoe-in as no. 1 on our list.
'Mike Tyson's Punch-Out'
The act of throwing one's controller was first documented in 1987 by a young player from Omaha, who happened upon a toothy Mike Tyson for the first time in "Punch-Out." True story. Sure, the game tricks you into thinking you can become the world's heavyweight champion early on, with beatable wussies like Glass Joe and Don Flamingo. But once you get to the final fight with Mike Tyson, your dreams will be shattered. He cannot be beat. Nintendo even said so.
'Battletoads'
I was tricked into playing "Battletoads." At the time of its release, the game featured incredible graphics, so I played it. That is to say, I tried to. With only three "continues" and no game saves, there is simply no way to endure the never-ending levels with their incessant enemy attacks to reach the end. I couldn't make it past the second level. World-renowned for its extravagant difficulty, "Battletoads" is widely regarded as the most difficult game ever made. And the most infuriating.
My top ones:
Battletoads
Castlevania
Batman
Castle of Dragon
Golgo 13
TMNT
Friday the 13th
do they home in on you? Why don't they bother someone else? And why do they have GPS on you as they always know when to come out and bullshit you to death.
