post your best jokes!

Didn't think dead baby jokes were gonna take over, I apologize. I'll try something else...

Why do women wear white at the wedding?
Because the dishwasher is SUPPOSED to match the stove and refrigerator.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
 
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.



What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't told that bitch twice already.
 
this was on conan's "in the year 2000" bit a couple nights ago:

"historians will discover that julius caesar's last words were not 'et tu, brute?' but instead 'not the crotch, NOT THE CROTCH!' "
 
What's black, white, red, and can't fit through a revolving door?

a nun with a spear through her head.
 
A salesman is walking through a neighborhood in the sticks, an approaches a house with a small boy playing in the yard. He knocks on the door, but there is no response. He walks up to the boy and asks, "Can you tell me where your mother is?"

The boy nods, taking the man's hand and leading him around to the side of the house. The boy points at a window, so the man takes the cue to look in. To his utter shock, he sees the boy's mother screwing a goat!

He looks down at the boy and asks, "Doesn't this bother you?"

The boy replies, "N-a-a-a-a-h."
 
A man is speeding down the highway.

He passes a a billboard with a motorcycle cop hiding behind it waiting for speeders.

The cop pulls him over and asks for his documents then asks him where he was going in such a hurry.

man: I was late for work and in a hurry

cop: What do you do ?

man: I'm an asshole stretcher

cop: asshole stretcher! what's that

man: I take an ass hole stick 2 fingers in it work it a bit untill I can get both hands in, then I work and stretch it a little more till I can get both forearms in, then I stretch and stretch untill the asshole is about six feet.

cop: Six feet! wow! What do you do with a six foot asshole?

man: I give it a motorcycle and put it next to a billboard on the highway :D
 
person 1 - knock knock
person 2 - whos there?
person 1 - lil boy blue
person 2 - lil boy blue who?
person 1 - michael jackson
 
nice thread, lol! back on topic...

"A blind man walks into supermarket with his golden retriever. He picks up the dog by its tail and starts swinging it over his head. Store manager runs over and asks frantically 'is everything alright sir can I help you?' the blind mean says 'oh I'm just looking around."
 
i have 2, but im not sure if i should post them, they are pretty racist against jews (dont personally have any harsh feelings, the jokes are jsut funny). theyre both nazi related.

you think i should post them?
 
[quote name='SneakyPenguin']i have 2, but im not sure if i should post them, they are pretty racist against jews (dont personally have any harsh feelings, the jokes are jsut funny). theyre both nazi related.

you think i should post them?[/quote]

personally, i don't think we should post anything racist on these boards. :)

if someone wants to hear them, they can pm you. (compromise? :D)
 
[quote name='SneakyPenguin']i have 2, but im not sure if i should post them, they are pretty racist against jews (dont personally have any harsh feelings, the jokes are jsut funny). theyre both nazi related.

you think i should post them?[/quote]

Don't do it. You might regret it later if you do.
 
[quote name='doraemonkerpal'][quote name='SneakyPenguin']i have 2, but im not sure if i should post them, they are pretty racist against jews (dont personally have any harsh feelings, the jokes are jsut funny). theyre both nazi related.

you think i should post them?[/quote]

personally, i don't think we should post anything racist on these boards. :)

if someone wants to hear them, they can pm you. (compromise? :D)[/quote]

okay, that works. i dont want to offend anyone, i just think theyre really funny. wrong, but funny.
 
OK, so sneaky can't talk about jews, yet you can talk about smacking bitches across the head and old dead babies floating around on meat hooks.
that's just ƒucking wrong people.
 
Why dont women wear watches?

There is a clock on the stove!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice!
 
[quote name='x0thedeadzone0x']OK, so sneaky can't talk about jews, yet you can talk about smacking bitches across the head and old dead babies floating around on meat hooks.[/quote]

Not that Iwould, but a lot of people would get offended by jokes that could be considered antisemetic.
As for the dead babies...well, I doubt there's any dead babies reading CAG to get offended :lol:
 
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"
 
Q: What do you call a woman who's allergic to latex?
A: Mommy.

_______________

Laurie got offended that I used the word "shit". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
 
[quote name='bruce_pwns_j00']person 1 - knock knock
person 2 - whos there?
person 1 - lil boy blue
person 2 - lil boy blue who?
person 1 - michael jackson[/quote]

Andrew Dice Clay had much better presentation.

Little boy blue.
Hey, he needed the money! Oh!
 
I state again, none of these are as good as The Aristocrats*(right click to download)

*!DANGER! Not even vaguely safe for work. Probably not safe for home. You are warned.
 
[quote name='"alongx"'][quote name='"Doylerulez"']What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.[/quote]

I love me a good dead baby joke.

What's red and swings?
Dead baby on a meat hook
What's green and swings?
Same baby, 6 weeks later.[/quote]


it's more horrifying than funny man.
 
this is more of a comment than a joke but i still found it really funny.

Just tell Nemo that you couldn't find him because you were getting stoned... he'll understand
 
[quote name='"trustcompany1013"']How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.[/quote]


Usually I goddamn hate dead baby jokes, but this one is ingenious.
 
[quote name='JakeT81588']this is more of a comment than a joke but i still found it really funny.

Just tell Nemo that you couldn't find him because you were getting stoned... he'll understand[/quote]

that dosent have anything to do with dead babies... :roll:
 
haha, oh yeah sneaky... i find it ironic that you wanted to post jewish jokes when the creator of this thread is in fact... jewish. oh yeah, guess who the creator is :)
 
What is a woman doing when she is staring at a blank piece of paper?
Reading her rights.

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.
"Oh!" said his friend, "Good trade."

I find them funny, but my girlfriend punched me, I don't understand :wink:
 
SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY: Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed
that beer contains small traces of female hormones. The most
prevalent hormone was Estrogen. To prove their theory they fed
100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100% of them gained
weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn't
drive.


What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
 
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him!"
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do... do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling,
"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"



Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one long standing wish - to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts to his mind's desire.
Every time he passed the Queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to king's chief medical officer, Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it.
Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Ahmed could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1,000 gold coins for it.
Ahmed agreed.
The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the Queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the King's anxiety. Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Ahmed's mouth.
Akbar summoned Ahmed and for the next 4 hours Ahmed violently sucked the Queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired.
Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his mission was over he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact he shooed him away.
Ahmed of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor. But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal.
Next day Birbal duly put that lotion in King Akbar's underwear.
Ahmed was called promptly by the King again.
 
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."



The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4 Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat
me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-
dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
[quote name='LaraCroftsLeftBoob']A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question." [/quote]

That just might be my favorite joke ever.
 
(This joke works a lot better spoken than written. You might need to read the answers out loud to get them.)

There's a red light district at the top of a hill. What nationality is the man going up the hill?

Russian.

What nationality is the man going down the hill?

Finnish.

What nationality is the man on top of the hill?

Himalayan.

What nationality is the man standing at the bottom of the hill?

Polish.... he's waiting for the light to turn green. ;)
 
The solution to world hunger and overpopulation is to take half of the starving children and feed them to the other half.
 
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