Relationship Thread

[quote name='snakemaster2389']trying to find someone on craigslist is kinda hard and im looking for a young guy like me too. tough times[/QUOTE]

CL? Why not match.com or POF?
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']damn. that's a good point. last semester i wasn't able to make it to the french club because it was during one of my classes. this semester my schedule is a little different, so i should go. i haven't spoken much french since highschool and don't have many people i can talk to.[/QUOTE]


Most of those language club meetings during undergrad that I've been to focused more on immersion or experience of the culture rather than full-blown practice of the language, so you should be fine. French dinners, movie nights, coffee hours, etc.

Spring is coming, so sign up for those intramural sports! Co-Ed ones, too. ;)


[quote name='snakemaster2389']whats pof?[/QUOTE]


Plenty Of Fish. Dating site like match.com.
 
[quote name='parKer']Most of those language club meetings during undergrad that I've been to focused more on immersion or experience of the culture rather than full-blown practice of the language, so you should be fine. French dinners, movie nights, coffee hours, etc.

Spring is coming, so sign up for those intramural sports! Co-Ed ones, too. ;)





Plenty Of Fish. Dating site like match.com.[/QUOTE]

i'm actually a fairly decent athlete. i think i'll do that. maybe some indoor soccer.
 
If you're up for some lady-interaction, I highly recommend yoga, too. I'm guessing not a lot of undergraduate guys do yoga, either, so something to keep in mind.

No need to buy into the new-age stuff, just enjoy the exercise and the challenge. (And, hopefully, the post-class conversations, lunches and coffee dates.)
 
i'm such a tool. i still have feelings for the girl who just left me, so i keep doing things for her...
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']i'm such a tool. i still have feelings for the girl who just left me, so i keep doing things for her...[/QUOTE]

I know it's hard, but don't do anything unless you owe her money(cause you should pay her back) or it's an emergency. You're young and in college. There are plenty of other girls that will more than likely be a better fit for you. You don't need an ex on your ass asking you to do sutff for her. That's just lame of someone to do after they dumped you.
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']i'm such a tool. i still have feelings for the girl who just left me, so i keep doing things for her...[/QUOTE]


You need to change your cell phone number (or get a call/text blocker) if you want to try for a clean break. She obviously isn't moving on or wanting to help you move on. It's not nice to string people along.
 
[quote name='parKer']You need to change your cell phone number (or get a call/text blocker) if you want to try for a clean break. She obviously isn't moving on or wanting to help you move on. It's not nice to string people along.[/QUOTE]

[quote name='dohdough']I know it's hard, but don't do anything unless you owe her money(cause you should pay her back) or it's an emergency. You're young and in college. There are plenty of other girls that will more than likely be a better fit for you. You don't need an ex on your ass asking you to do sutff for her. That's just lame of someone to do after they dumped you.[/QUOTE]


it's not anything super major: she still has a bunch of stuff in my my apartment, but instead of coming to get it, she wants me to gather it all up for her and take it to her place. i also let her use my car doing the week so she can go to school :dunce:
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']it's not anything super major: she still has a bunch of stuff in my my apartment, but instead of coming to get it, she wants me to gather it all up for her and take it to her place. i also let her use my car doing the week so she can go to school :dunce:[/QUOTE]
Ummm...yeah man, that IS kinda major stuff. fuck that shit. I hope you're not doing her homework too.

Next thing you know, she'll be taking your car to go on dates.

Even if you're getting "something" out of it, it's only going to make it worse when she's completely done with you and moved on.
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']it's not anything super major: she still has a bunch of stuff in my my apartment, but instead of coming to get it, she wants me to gather it all up for her and take it to her place. i also let her use my car doing the week so she can go to school :dunce:[/QUOTE]


Sucker.


(Sorry, but that's how it looks and your dunce-cap smiley is your admission of recognizing that, too.)
 
[quote name='dohdough']Ummm...yeah man, that IS kinda major stuff. fuck that shit.[/QUOTE]

I concur. fucketh that shit.

Tell her to go suck an egg and get her own car. Moocher.
 
[quote name='dohdough']Ummm...yeah man, that IS kinda major stuff. fuck that shit. I hope you're not doing her homework too.

Next thing you know, she'll be taking your car to go on dates.

Even if you're getting "something" out of it, it's only going to make it worse when she's completely done with you and moved on.[/QUOTE]

ha...the only thing i'm getting out of it is having to pay for more gas.

you're right about her using it to go on dates. that's what i first told her when she said she wanted to borrow it, but i don't think that's happened yet.

[quote name='parKer']Sucker.


(Sorry, but that's how it looks and your dunce-cap smiley is your admission of recognizing that, too.)[/QUOTE]

i'm not denying it. my hope is that by showing her i'm a better man now, she might change her mind and choose to come back :whistle2:|
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']i'm not denying it. my hope is that by showing her i'm a better man now, she might change her mind and choose to come back :whistle2:|[/QUOTE]

Good luck with that.

Some people can learn from others' mistakes. Others need to learn things the hard way.
 
[quote name='Lieutenant Dan']Good luck with that.

Some people can learn from others' mistakes. Others need to learn things the hard way.[/QUOTE]

Correct
 
[quote name='Lieutenant Dan']Good luck with that.

Some people can learn from others' mistakes. Others need to learn things the hard way.[/QUOTE]

Holy shit I feel bad for that kid.
 
i know i look like a jack-ass, but we were together for about 9 years, and have only been apart for about 2 and a half months. it'll probably take me a while longer to come to grips with everything.
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']ha...the only thing i'm getting out of it is having to pay for more gas.

you're right about her using it to go on dates. that's what i first told her when she said she wanted to borrow it, but i don't think that's happened yet.



i'm not denying it. my hope is that by showing her i'm a better man now, she might change her mind and choose to come back :whistle2:|[/QUOTE]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSPNQ82Sq4E

Welp, good luck man. It's only a matter of time til she goes on a date if she hasn't already.
 
Being apart that long means she went out with someone. If you honestly want to get back with her cut yourself out completely and live your life. When she see's you being successful and not being a loser clinging to the past she will either want you back or you just won't give a fuck about what she wants.
 
[quote name='perdition(troy']Being apart that long means she went out with someone. If you honestly want to get back with her cut yourself out completely and live your life. When she see's you being successful and not being a loser clinging to the past she will either want you back or you just won't give a fuck about what she wants.[/QUOTE]

i've thought about that. the problem is that i'm still in graduate school, which requires a great deal of time and energy, so most of my days are spent either in school, working on my homework, or studying for tests. doesn't leave much for other things.
 
Oh I understand. Sometimes it only takes the appearance of something happening to peak interest. Even if it's just going out to a few parties/bars and having some pictures on Facebook. In today's tech heavy socialization many times the appearance of being involved weighs more than your actual level of involvement.

You need to give her something to come back to if you plan on getting her back. She doesnt want the same old you.
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']ha...the only thing i'm getting out of it is having to pay for more gas.

you're right about her using it to go on dates. that's what i first told her when she said she wanted to borrow it, but i don't think that's happened yet.

i'm not denying it. my hope is that by showing her i'm a better man now, she might change her mind and choose to come back :whistle2:|[/QUOTE]When you're done in your relationship with your ex, what motivation do you have for letting her use your car and do things for her?

If she left you, she obviously thinks you're invested enough that you'll do her favors and help her out without anything in return. That's called "taking advantage of someone", in case you were unfamiliar with the concept.

If she needs to be able to get from point A to point B, she obviously managed to do so before she met you and obviously she'll be able to do it after she's done in her relationship with you. Learning how to do things on your own is part of growing up and I think this is a perfect time for her to learn how to rely on someone other than you.

She's just using you and she's not going to think that your offers to borrow your car or other things you're doing for her are going to get back in her good graces.

And here's a thought, what happens if she gets into an accident with your car and she totals it? Is she a licensed driver on your car? Does your insurance cover someone else, like her, borrowing your car and still having your same coverage if you drove it? What if someone stole your car while she had it?

She's done with you. Pack up and move along to something more important, your own well-being without her. Plenty of other women out there for you, she was just the wrong one for you.
 
Even beyond what p(troy is saying, you should be socializing with your peers just to network since you're in grad school. That's something that you'll need for career prospects alone and it'll only be harder once you get out.
 
[quote name='shrike4242']When you're done in your relationship with your ex, what motivation do you have for letting her use your car and do things for her?

If she left you, she obviously thinks you're invested enough that you'll do her favors and help her out without anything in return. That's called "taking advantage of someone", in case you were unfamiliar with the concept.

If she needs to be able to get from point A to point B, she obviously managed to do so before she met you and obviously she'll be able to do it after she's done in her relationship with you. Learning how to do things on your own is part of growing up and I think this is a perfect time for her to learn how to rely on someone other than you.

She's just using you and she's not going to think that your offers to borrow your car or other things you're doing for her are going to get back in her good graces.

She's done with you. Pack up and move along to something more important, your own well-being without her. Plenty of other women out there for you, she was just the wrong one for you.[/QUOTE]

good points.

i was actually doing ok a couple of months ago, but more recently i've regressed. i think at that point i was more angry and bitter, now maybe i'm in denial or something. it's just so hard to move on when i talk to her almost every day still.
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']good points.

i was actually doing ok a couple of months ago, but more recently i've regressed. i think at that point i was more angry and bitter, now maybe i'm in denial or something. it's just so hard to move on when i talk to her almost every day still.[/QUOTE]If you keep talking to her on a daily basis, you're not done with her. She may be done with you, though you're not done with her.

If you're no longer in a relationship, stop talking to her. Waste your time talking to anyone else other than her. Find someone else, friend or more than friend, to invest your energy with.

And for the love of whatever you find holy, don't get into the trap of booty for car/favors/help/etc. It's bad enough you're doing things for her and letting her borrow you car without anything in return, though don't get sucked into the trap of having her offer you "things" in exchange to keep having you do things for her. Not saying it can happen, though it's obviously a possibility.

You were with her for 9 years, and if I'm guessing your age correctly, that's 1/3rd or more of your total life. That's not an easy thing to end or deal with ending, though you always have to make sure you're taking care of yourself.

Get out there and do some things fun to keep the spare time from being time you talk with your ex or the like. It'll help you socialize and keep you from being a hermit.

She ended things with you. Never, ever forget that.
 
reading what you guys have to say, and doing some thinking, what i need is to make some sort of connection with someone else or a group of other people. the problem is that it's difficult to take the steps necessary to do so when i was/am so emotionally invested in this other person.

now i know what i have to do, i just need to get out there and do it. thanks for the advice. we'll see where i go from here.

don't be concerned about that "trap" you mentioned, shrike. there is absolutely no chance that will happen.
 
Biggest mistake you can do is call or text her. Don't even bother anymore because she burned you and if you try and get back with her you'll end up looking foolish. Best thing to do is to move on by keeping your mind busy with something else and find someone better. Then you will end up seeing how much of a mistake it was to be with someone like that in the first place. You deserve better and don't show weakness. Work on yourself and grow to be strong and independent by trying new things and meeting other people. You'll be alright just give it time. Thought my life was over after my ten year relationship ended (it was through high school and beyond). Trust me its not and you might start to see you deserve better
 
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[quote name='Ag_SurfR']...what i need is to make some sort of connection with someone else or a group of other people. the problem is that it's difficult to take the steps necessary to do so when i was/am so emotionally invested in this other person.[/QUOTE]

Believe me, it's far, FAR more difficult to NOT "take the steps necessary" to move on with your life than it is to take them. They SEEM "difficult" only because you're not used to them.

Buckle up and prepare to live your life again.

You have two choices: wallow in a depressed and crappy mood, or act to get into a better one. I don't consider a third option, "trying to get her back," as a different choice than wallowing, because everyone here will agree that "getting her back" is not only NOT an option, it's a terrible one.

That this girl left you "by surprise" - I question this. Were there no "signs" that things were falling apart? Never any discussions of issues the two of you were having and attempts to resolve them?

If she truly left "by surprise," she deserves absolutely NOTHING from you. Nothing at all. Not a smile, a text, a phone call, nothing. She certainly doesn't deserve your car or your help! This constitutes an ambush of epic-relationship-proportions and is unforgivable. She's basically saying: you're not worth my time, you're not worth working this out, whatever issues I'm having with "us," I have checked out and am abandoning you.

This happened after 9 years?

We call this betrayal.

From what little detail you've given, it seems pretty clear that you've put your life on hold in many ways - either for this girl and/or for your degree. I'm guessing it was mostly "the girl," because as you've said, not many friends, family lives far away. So...social life pretty much in the gutter.

Except for her.

Well, it's no surprise you're holding on so tight. She's your anchor. Or, rather, she WAS your anchor. Just remember that SHE cut the chain - and now you're floating aimlessly. So much so that you can't resist talking to her, thinking about her, doing things for her. And every scenario involving you getting into a better place is rife with self-made excuses and "problems": all the time studying, no friends, no family, not enough time.

But dammit, it's your friggin' ship. Find your center. Determine a direction. And go for it. You obviously have enough time to post online. Get a hobby. Go to a coffee shop. Talk to people.

Keep thinking about problems and I guarantee you'll keep having them. Keep thinking about missing her and you'll what? Right! You'll keep missing her.

Fact is, she left. AND she's lingering, which makes her an even worse person.

Why, oh why, would you ever think you couldn't find anyone better than her?

Person you're not thinking well of is yourself.

Understandably, you're probably wondering why you didn't see what was wrong, that she was going to leave, or you're not good enough for her, which is why she's rejected you, etc., etc.

I'll help you out here: she hid it from you. And that, my friend, is not someone you want to be with. Ever.
 
[quote name='Ag_SurfR']i'm not denying it. my hope is that by showing her i'm a better man now, she might change her mind and choose to come back :whistle2:|[/QUOTE]


OK, what? You're a better man now? This leads me to think that there is a reason she left you and it wasn't completely by surprise.

Anyway, March can be a good month for you. St Patrick's Day and March Madness can provide you with opportunities for meeting a lot of new people. Even if you don't drink or don't care for college basketball, people will be gathering in large crowds on specific days. Take advantage of that.
 
[quote name='parKer']OK, what? You're a better man now? This leads me to think that there is a reason she left you and it wasn't completely by surprise.

Anyway, March can be a good month for you. St Patrick's Day and March Madness can provide you with opportunities for meeting a lot of new people. Even if you don't drink or don't care for college basketball, people will be gathering in large crowds on specific days. Take advantage of that.[/QUOTE]

i think i mentioned earlier in the thread that i wasn't exactly perfect (neither of us were). i had my fair share of indiscretions (didn't cheat on her, just some emotional stuff that happened 4-5 years ago) which she claimed was her biggest reason for wanting to leave.

most recently, i'd say my biggest issue was, in her words, "being mean". i'll admit to occasionally losing my cool, but it was happening less and less as time progressed.

the reason i say i wasn't expecting it was because we were doing much better now than we had been for a long time. i wasn't too far away from graduating (about a year or so to go) and i'm getting ready to start my career. it seemed like we were finally going to be able to do a lot of the things we wanted to, but now we're not.
 
That is where you are wrong. You are still able to do everything you wanted to do before, now you just do it yourself or with a new group of people. None of your life goals change, just the people you experience them with does.
 
Just cut to the chase and get some closure with her as it's looking like you can't move on without it. Your biggest hope is she notices that you've changed and she comes back to you. She claims she left you because you're being mean and due to some 4-5-year old incident. But, she still talks to you often and borrows your car.

Your "relationship" is in that weird limbo and you need to ask her what's up. All of us can point out the bad stuff and give you tons of suggestions on how to move on, but really, you're not going to do so if you feel there is still hope.
 
Also, just got into a great relationship on New Year's with a chick that I'd known for a while from OKCupid. Things are progressing slowly, but nicely. A million times better than my last two relationships. Life is grand.
 
[quote name='skiizim']I once told a girl your not 10 years from now, your just right now, she didn't take it to well.[/QUOTE]

She must have had a thing for correct spelling.
 
[quote name='perdition(troy']That is where you are wrong. You are still able to do everything you wanted to do before, now you just do it yourself or with a new group of people. None of your life goals change, just the people you experience them with does.[/QUOTE]

This. With the possible exception of maybe delaying somethings like home purchases etc. if he was counting on two incomes. But that's not a bad thing either as relationships work best (IMO) when both people have some financial independence first, and when a couple picks a lifestyle that can largely be supported by either in come. Ensures living below your means, and can weather one partner losing a job for a while or a breakup without financial ruin. Just my opinion of course. Some people just want a housewife type to raise the kids, or want to max out lifestyle on to incomes etc.

Otherwise, meet some new people. Join some meetup.com groups or campus groups (think you said you were a grad student--I did a lot of grad/staff/faculty league intramural sports in grad school, there were happy hours etc.)--to find people who like doing the same stuff. Do some things you enjoy on your own like going to movies or hiking or whatever your into. Focus on moving on, taking care of yourself and getting happy again and you'll meet someone else when the time is right.

If you're shy or working too much to meet people down the road when you're over it and ready to move on, don't be too good for online dating. I've done it a few times over the years and met some cool people. Never a serious relationship out of it as I just happened to end up meeting someone through friends, work etc. while doing it every time, but have several friends of both genders who met their current partners online and I at least got some casual relationships and sex out of it the times I gave it a shot.

In my experience Match.com was the best as it had the most users--and being a paid site most members were serious about meeting people and going on dates. Just have to be patient and e-mail a lot of people as the decent looking girls on sites like that get a shit ton of e-mails (hundreds a day in some cases) so you have to contact a bunch of people to get a few dates--searching regularly and finding new members who meet your interests as key as then you can be in the first round of e-mails before they're booked up with dates and/or overwhelmed with e-mails and give up.
 
[quote name='CaptainJoel']Also, just got into a great relationship on New Year's with a chick that I'd known for a while from OKCupid. Things are progressing slowly, but nicely. A million times better than my last two relationships. Life is grand.[/QUOTE]

Met a really nice girl right after NYE too using OKCupid. It was fun while it lasted, but apparently I am too nice. She broke it off after 2 months saying I was too good for her and she wasn't ready for anything long term. She of course wanted to stay friends on Facebook and keep in touch, and I begrudgingly agreed.

Well I made it a whole 4 days before calling her up and telling her off. At least I know there won't be any games in the future, but I still feel like a dick for going all "Listen bitch! I had my doubts too!"
 
I got a story, a cashier at my job was flirting with me for a good while she was quite cute, petite, amazing smile and had a big nerdy side to her. I decided that I would just like to have her as a friend so anytime she made advances I just ignored them and always reassured her I'm glad we're friends! I even bought some my little pony toys in front of her and she thought it was cute she even started to watch the show so she can have something to talk about with me. I felt bad because I don't want to lead her on so one day after going to a hukkah bar and enjoying some in and out burger I told her that she should try to find another guy and that I appreciate that she wants to be with me in a relationship level but I rather have us be friends I let her down easily and we were still friends until she quit and found a new job. We don't talk anymore not even on facebook whats funny is she found a boyfriend who surprisingly looks like me. My friends till this day tell me I should have gone for it but she was too good for me and I rather have her as a friend though we don't talk anymore lol it was still great knowing that there are some really amazing women out there (well here in Bakersfield lol)
 
Seems like all the girls around me (in the part of town I live in) are either pregnant/have children already or they are already hooked up to some pretentious douchebag. Either way, it makes me sick. I always think about that "one that got away".

I was out at the local RC flying field flying one of my planes and this really cute girl comes out to the field with her parents. I was 19 at the time and she looked like she was 17 or so. Both her and her parents were really fascinated with my planes and that really made me feel cool. She also seemed to be interested in me and I was just stupid enough to not get her number, but not from arrogance or lack of interest. (Because she was REALLY cute.) I just didn't think about it. I never did get her name or number, but I will ALWAYS remember that girl. I've tried to find her from information that a mutual friend had, but it was unsuccessful. In the words of Hall and Oates, "she's gone".
 
good song, flyingace.

well, i'm still out there, not really doing much. just finding ways to kill time i guess. life can be quite boring when you're alone.
 
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