You may not want to read any of this.
Ok... so between last Wednesday and Saturday, I had like 2 rabit poops. Sit down and two grapes fall out and I call it a day. I didn't think much of it as I was drinking a lot Wednesday and Friday. However, Saturday I went to a pig roast and had plates heaping with grub.
Sunday comes, but the poo doesnt. Monday morning I wake up at about 2am with bad cramps. I figure its about time for all that food to come out. I stumble to the bathroom and nothing comes of it, not even gas. I lay back down and immediately jump up and run back to the can. A little bit of water comes out, but hardly 5 pounds of smoked and grilled meats.
I figure an hour of vain effort is enough and try to sleep through the knife in my stomach.
I wake up feeling like hell, but I go to work anyways. After a few hours, my back starts hurting, I get a headache and I get a fever. So I go home. At this point I notice I haven't had a real crap in about a week. I guess I'm horribly constipated and get some laxatives. The bottle said take 2-4 at night and you'll be golden. I didn't want to wait for night. So I popped 4 at noon and slept until when the hell ever. Woke up feeling moderately better, but no BM. I feel almost normal when I'm ready to go to bed at midnight, but I still haven't taken a dump. I take two more pills and go to bed.
I wake up this morning and nada. Not even a tickle. I down 2 more pills and head to work. Over the course of the day I make 3-4 trips to the bathroom and all I get is liquid. So now I figure its time for the big guns.
I get a bottle of that instant shit yourself stuff you see in movies (tasted really good considering-- lemony). I hammer a 10oz bottle that says it'll take anywheres from 0.5 - 6 hours. 2 hours later, its niagra falls and I'm sitting over 10 oz of laxative, 30 oz of water chaser and a handfull of corn from the night before.
I'm really curious at this point. Where the
is all the food I ate over the past week? It didn't cross my sphinter, thats for sure. The cumulative amount of solid mass expelled over the past 7 days is about the size of an apple. Not a big golden delicious either. Like one of those rock hard little red ones that get all mushy when you bite them.
I demand to know where all my food has gone. I'm missing- and omelet, hashbrowns, an orange, 2 club sandwhiches, 4 turkey sandwhiches, 3 chicken legs, a plate of augratin potatoes, 4 slices of pizza, 3 chicken wings, serving of beans, 3 more slices of pizza, chocolate chocolatechip muffin, 2 steaks, more corn and carrots, hot pocket, and assorted other things I cant remember.
Has my body just become rediculously efficient? WHERE IS MY POOP!?