OkeSmokey21
CAGiversary!
Ok I got a CAG joke.. Stealthy Seal....
"The Official Joke Thread"
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basketkase543
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[quote name='jaykrue'][quote name='OkeSmokey21']Ok I got a CAG joke.. Stealthy Seal....[/quote]
*brain fart* I'm not gettin' it[/quote]
My powers of deduction tell me that he's implying Stealthy Seal to be some sort of a jest.
*brain fart* I'm not gettin' it[/quote]
My powers of deduction tell me that he's implying Stealthy Seal to be some sort of a jest.
OkeSmokey21
CAGiversary!
[quote name='jaykrue'][quote name='OkeSmokey21']Ok I got a CAG joke.. Stealthy Seal....[/quote]
*brain fart* I'm not gettin' it[/quote]
Experience the CAG Gamer rap.. you'll get it, unfortunately
*brain fart* I'm not gettin' it[/quote]
Experience the CAG Gamer rap.. you'll get it, unfortunately
MorbidAngel4Life
CAGiversary!
[quote name='jaykrue']since no one's posting anything lately, here's some classic tasteless blonde jokes:
how does a blonde turn on a light?
opens the car door.
how many blondes does it take to screw in a bulb?
One. One to hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around her.
how do you kill a blonde?
Two ways: either put a scratch & sniff or a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
What do you get when you line up 10 blondes?
A wind tunnel.
What's a blonde's mating call?
I'm sooooooooooooo drunk!
What's a brunette's?
Is that blonde bitch gone yet?
What do you call a beaten bloody brunette by the side of the road?
Someone who's told too many blonde jokes
A MILFy drunk blonde holding a bird's nest containing 3 eggs in her hands walks into a bar and yells, "I'll have sex w/ anyone that can guess how many eggs this bird has laid!" A drunk guy yells out "7,302!!!!" She sez, "Close enough."[/quote]
If a blond and a brunette jumped off the top of a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette, cause the blond would stop to ask for directions.
What is a blonds idea of safe sex?
Lock the car doors.
How do you kill a blond?
Put spikes on her shoulders and ask her a question.
how does a blonde turn on a light?
opens the car door.
how many blondes does it take to screw in a bulb?
One. One to hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around her.
how do you kill a blonde?
Two ways: either put a scratch & sniff or a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
What do you get when you line up 10 blondes?
A wind tunnel.
What's a blonde's mating call?
I'm sooooooooooooo drunk!
What's a brunette's?
Is that blonde bitch gone yet?
What do you call a beaten bloody brunette by the side of the road?
Someone who's told too many blonde jokes
A MILFy drunk blonde holding a bird's nest containing 3 eggs in her hands walks into a bar and yells, "I'll have sex w/ anyone that can guess how many eggs this bird has laid!" A drunk guy yells out "7,302!!!!" She sez, "Close enough."[/quote]
If a blond and a brunette jumped off the top of a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette, cause the blond would stop to ask for directions.
What is a blonds idea of safe sex?
Lock the car doors.
How do you kill a blond?
Put spikes on her shoulders and ask her a question.
[quote name='MorbidAngel4Life'][quote name='jaykrue']since no one's posting anything lately, here's some classic tasteless blonde jokes:
how does a blonde turn on a light?
opens the car door.
how many blondes does it take to screw in a bulb?
One. One to hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around her.
how do you kill a blonde?
Two ways: either put a scratch & sniff or a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
What do you get when you line up 10 blondes?
A wind tunnel.
What's a blonde's mating call?
I'm sooooooooooooo drunk!
What's a brunette's?
Is that blonde bitch gone yet?
What do you call a beaten bloody brunette by the side of the road?
Someone who's told too many blonde jokes
A MILFy drunk blonde holding a bird's nest containing 3 eggs in her hands walks into a bar and yells, "I'll have sex w/ anyone that can guess how many eggs this bird has laid!" A drunk guy yells out "7,302!!!!" She sez, "Close enough."[/quote]
If a blond and a brunette jumped off the top of a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette, cause the blond would stop to ask for directions.
What is a blonds idea of safe sex?
Lock the car doors.
How do you kill a blond?
Put spikes on her shoulders and ask her a question.[/quote]
Two blondes come up some tracks in the woods. The first blonde thought they were deer tracks. The second blonde said it was beaver tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
4 friends died in horrible car accident. When they get to the pearly gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them, "To get in, you must tell me how you have sinned and then wash the part of your body that caused you to sin using the holy water bowl next to me" The nun in the group says, "Forgive me, for I once looked at a man w/ impure thoughts." She then washed her eyes and was allowed to go in. The redhead of the group says, "Forgive me, I once touched a man's penis." She then washed her hands and went in. St. Peter is then startled by shouting. He breaks up the fighting between the blonde and brunette. "What's the meaning of this disruption?" he sternly asks. The brunette then exclaims, "I know the blonde was next in line but don't you think I should be allowed to wash my mouth out first before that blonde bitch sits on the bowl?"
how does a blonde turn on a light?
opens the car door.
how many blondes does it take to screw in a bulb?
One. One to hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around her.
how do you kill a blonde?
Two ways: either put a scratch & sniff or a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
What do you get when you line up 10 blondes?
A wind tunnel.
What's a blonde's mating call?
I'm sooooooooooooo drunk!
What's a brunette's?
Is that blonde bitch gone yet?
What do you call a beaten bloody brunette by the side of the road?
Someone who's told too many blonde jokes
A MILFy drunk blonde holding a bird's nest containing 3 eggs in her hands walks into a bar and yells, "I'll have sex w/ anyone that can guess how many eggs this bird has laid!" A drunk guy yells out "7,302!!!!" She sez, "Close enough."[/quote]
If a blond and a brunette jumped off the top of a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette, cause the blond would stop to ask for directions.
What is a blonds idea of safe sex?
Lock the car doors.
How do you kill a blond?
Put spikes on her shoulders and ask her a question.[/quote]
Two blondes come up some tracks in the woods. The first blonde thought they were deer tracks. The second blonde said it was beaver tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
4 friends died in horrible car accident. When they get to the pearly gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them, "To get in, you must tell me how you have sinned and then wash the part of your body that caused you to sin using the holy water bowl next to me" The nun in the group says, "Forgive me, for I once looked at a man w/ impure thoughts." She then washed her eyes and was allowed to go in. The redhead of the group says, "Forgive me, I once touched a man's penis." She then washed her hands and went in. St. Peter is then startled by shouting. He breaks up the fighting between the blonde and brunette. "What's the meaning of this disruption?" he sternly asks. The brunette then exclaims, "I know the blonde was next in line but don't you think I should be allowed to wash my mouth out first before that blonde bitch sits on the bowl?"
MorbidAngel4Life
CAGiversary!
good ones jaykrue.
ah, chauvinism, gotta love it. keep it up mates, seems CAGers got some good jokes too!
hmm lemme see, i gotta nun joke:
So Sister Cecilia has just returned from a trip to the Caribbean, and is telling the oldest Sister about it. "Oh the fruit markets were lovely! The bananas were *this big*! And the melons *like this*."
To which the old nun replied, "Father who?"
sorry, loses some oomph when not done in person...
hmm lemme see, i gotta nun joke:
So Sister Cecilia has just returned from a trip to the Caribbean, and is telling the oldest Sister about it. "Oh the fruit markets were lovely! The bananas were *this big*! And the melons *like this*."
To which the old nun replied, "Father who?"
sorry, loses some oomph when not done in person...
[quote name='humidore']ah, chauvinism, gotta love it. keep it up mates, seems CAGers got some good jokes too!
hmm lemme see, i gotta nun joke:
So Sister Cecilia has just returned from a trip to the Caribbean, and is telling the oldest Sister about it. "Oh the fruit markets were lovely! The bananas were *this big*! And the melons *like this*."
To which the old nun replied, "Father who?"
sorry, loses some oomph when not done in person...[/quote]
Well, here's a priest joke right back
:
A young naive newly christened priest is ordered to work at one of the inner city churches in one of the rougher neighborhoods. As he's walking along, he's solicited by hookers every step of the way.
"Hey baby, how's about a handjob?" and "Hey cutie, if you want a blowjob, give me a holler!"
The young priest is naturally perplexed as he's never heard these terms before. Once he reaches the church, he goes to the head nun and asks her, "Sister, what's a handjob and a blowjob?" She replies matter-of-factedly, "Why, $10 and $20 dollars, of course!"
hmm lemme see, i gotta nun joke:
So Sister Cecilia has just returned from a trip to the Caribbean, and is telling the oldest Sister about it. "Oh the fruit markets were lovely! The bananas were *this big*! And the melons *like this*."
To which the old nun replied, "Father who?"
sorry, loses some oomph when not done in person...[/quote]
Well, here's a priest joke right back
:A young naive newly christened priest is ordered to work at one of the inner city churches in one of the rougher neighborhoods. As he's walking along, he's solicited by hookers every step of the way.
"Hey baby, how's about a handjob?" and "Hey cutie, if you want a blowjob, give me a holler!"
The young priest is naturally perplexed as he's never heard these terms before. Once he reaches the church, he goes to the head nun and asks her, "Sister, what's a handjob and a blowjob?" She replies matter-of-factedly, "Why, $10 and $20 dollars, of course!"
MorbidAngel4Life
CAGiversary!
[quote name='jaykrue'][quote name='MorbidAngel4Life'] good ones jaykrue.[/quote]
I gots a million of'em![/quote]
So do I! I just have to think of them, first....
good ones jaykrue.[/quote]I gots a million of'em!
[/quote]So do I! I just have to think of them, first....
How do drive Helen Keller insane?
Make her read a stucco wall
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her for swearing?
She washed Helen's hands out w/ soap.
What's another way to drive Helen Keller insane?
Rearrange her bedroom
Didja hear about the blonde who'd do ANYTHING for a fur coat that she saw at DKNY?
Now she can't button it over her belly
2 blonde chickens are on opposite sides of the road. One yelled at the other, "How'd you get on the other side?!" The other chicken yelled, "Stupid! You're on the other side!"
Make her read a stucco wall
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her for swearing?
She washed Helen's hands out w/ soap.
What's another way to drive Helen Keller insane?
Rearrange her bedroom
Didja hear about the blonde who'd do ANYTHING for a fur coat that she saw at DKNY?
Now she can't button it over her belly
2 blonde chickens are on opposite sides of the road. One yelled at the other, "How'd you get on the other side?!" The other chicken yelled, "Stupid! You're on the other side!"
MorbidAngel4Life
CAGiversary!
[quote name='jaykrue']
Didja hear about the blonde who'd do ANYTHING for a fur coat that she saw at DKNY?
Now she can't button it over her belly
[/quote]
Didja hear about the blonde who'd do ANYTHING for a fur coat that she saw at DKNY?
Now she can't button it over her belly
[/quote]
Here's one for you of Irish persuasion:
A drunk but hot blonde is approached by a little man in olde english clothing and red hair. He tells her, "Yer a sweet lass, ya are. I'm a leprechaun and because yer so enticin', tell ya what, I'll grant ya 3 wishes." She thinks about it and says, "Ok, well for my first wish, I'd like to be rich." The little guy says, "Ok, when ya get home and check yer bank account, ya will have 20 million dollars." "Ok, for my second wish, I'd like a big and beautiful mansion." "Done." "And for my last wish, I'd like a handsome and sexy boyfriend." "Ok, when ya get home to yer mansion at this address," he says as he writes it down, "ya will find your man, big as a mountain, hung like a horse!" The drunk blonde exclaims, "Wow, you've done so much for me; how can I ever thank you?!" The little devious munchkin smiles and says, "Well, now, I guess it wouldn'ta be outta line to be askin' fer a wee blowjob?" She shrugs and thinks, "Well, it's a small price to pay." So they both leave the bar and go into an alley and she gets down to business. After he's 'finished', he asks her, "Miss, one question before ye get on yer way, how old are ya?" She replies, "I'm 23." "And ya still believe in leprechauns?"
A drunk but hot blonde is approached by a little man in olde english clothing and red hair. He tells her, "Yer a sweet lass, ya are. I'm a leprechaun and because yer so enticin', tell ya what, I'll grant ya 3 wishes." She thinks about it and says, "Ok, well for my first wish, I'd like to be rich." The little guy says, "Ok, when ya get home and check yer bank account, ya will have 20 million dollars." "Ok, for my second wish, I'd like a big and beautiful mansion." "Done." "And for my last wish, I'd like a handsome and sexy boyfriend." "Ok, when ya get home to yer mansion at this address," he says as he writes it down, "ya will find your man, big as a mountain, hung like a horse!" The drunk blonde exclaims, "Wow, you've done so much for me; how can I ever thank you?!" The little devious munchkin smiles and says, "Well, now, I guess it wouldn'ta be outta line to be askin' fer a wee blowjob?" She shrugs and thinks, "Well, it's a small price to pay." So they both leave the bar and go into an alley and she gets down to business. After he's 'finished', he asks her, "Miss, one question before ye get on yer way, how old are ya?" She replies, "I'm 23." "And ya still believe in leprechauns?"
MorbidAngel4Life
CAGiversary!
[quote name='jaykrue']Here's one for you of Irish persuasion:
A drunk but hot blonde is approached by a little man in olde english clothing and red hair. He tells her, "Yer a sweet lass, ya are. I'm a leprechaun and because yer so enticin', tell ya what, I'll grant ya 3 wishes." She thinks about it and says, "Ok, well for my first wish, I'd like to be rich." The little guy says, "Ok, when ya get home and check yer bank account, ya will have 20 million dollars." "Ok, for my second wish, I'd like a big and beautiful mansion." "Done." "And for my last wish, I'd like a handsome and sexy boyfriend." "Ok, when ya get home to yer mansion at this address," he says as he writes it down, "ya will find your man, big as a mountain, hung like a horse!" The drunk blonde exclaims, "Wow, you've done so much for me; how can I ever thank you?!" The little devious munchkin smiles and says, "Well, now, I guess it wouldn'ta be outta line to be askin' fer a wee blowjob?" She shrugs and thinks, "Well, it's a small price to pay." So they both leave the bar and go into an alley and she gets down to business. After he's 'finished', he asks her, "Miss, one question before ye get on yer way, how old are ya?" She replies, "I'm 23." "And ya still believe in leprechauns?"[/quote]
Nice one. Us Irish are always drunk!(Well I'm German and Irish, so...)
A drunk but hot blonde is approached by a little man in olde english clothing and red hair. He tells her, "Yer a sweet lass, ya are. I'm a leprechaun and because yer so enticin', tell ya what, I'll grant ya 3 wishes." She thinks about it and says, "Ok, well for my first wish, I'd like to be rich." The little guy says, "Ok, when ya get home and check yer bank account, ya will have 20 million dollars." "Ok, for my second wish, I'd like a big and beautiful mansion." "Done." "And for my last wish, I'd like a handsome and sexy boyfriend." "Ok, when ya get home to yer mansion at this address," he says as he writes it down, "ya will find your man, big as a mountain, hung like a horse!" The drunk blonde exclaims, "Wow, you've done so much for me; how can I ever thank you?!" The little devious munchkin smiles and says, "Well, now, I guess it wouldn'ta be outta line to be askin' fer a wee blowjob?" She shrugs and thinks, "Well, it's a small price to pay." So they both leave the bar and go into an alley and she gets down to business. After he's 'finished', he asks her, "Miss, one question before ye get on yer way, how old are ya?" She replies, "I'm 23." "And ya still believe in leprechauns?"[/quote]
Nice one. Us Irish are always drunk!(Well I'm German and Irish, so...)This is one is for Zenithian Legend:
A guy walks into a bar and notices the horse. He then asks the bartender, "What's the horse for?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you make the horse laugh, you'll get $2000. But I gotta warn ya. It's tough. No one's ever been able to do it." So the guy walks up to the horse and whispers in its ear and the horse starts guffawing like there's no tomorrow. The shocked bartender hands the guy his money and was about to ask how he did it but he had already left. 5 years later, the guy walks back in and notices the horse again. The bartender sees the guy and says, "Hah! This time I've got ya! Make him cry and you'll get 5 big ones." Once again, the guy just shrugs and casually walks over and a split second later, the horse is bawlin' its eyes out. The bartender twice as shocked is about to hand the guy his money but then comes to his senses and asks him, "Ok, before I give you your money, you gotta tell me how ya did it. It's been buggin' me all these years." The guy, a laid back fellow, shrugs and says, "Well, the first time, I told the horse I had a bigger penis and then the second time I showed him."
A guy walks into a bar and notices the horse. He then asks the bartender, "What's the horse for?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you make the horse laugh, you'll get $2000. But I gotta warn ya. It's tough. No one's ever been able to do it." So the guy walks up to the horse and whispers in its ear and the horse starts guffawing like there's no tomorrow. The shocked bartender hands the guy his money and was about to ask how he did it but he had already left. 5 years later, the guy walks back in and notices the horse again. The bartender sees the guy and says, "Hah! This time I've got ya! Make him cry and you'll get 5 big ones." Once again, the guy just shrugs and casually walks over and a split second later, the horse is bawlin' its eyes out. The bartender twice as shocked is about to hand the guy his money but then comes to his senses and asks him, "Ok, before I give you your money, you gotta tell me how ya did it. It's been buggin' me all these years." The guy, a laid back fellow, shrugs and says, "Well, the first time, I told the horse I had a bigger penis and then the second time I showed him."
Hot damn jaykrue, I know both of those jokes, only variations! The leprachaun one I know as as genie joke with the genie screwing a guy's wife instead, and the horse one was, it was a cowboy's horse, and he puts out an ad to make it laugh, with a midget coming to make it laugh, etc.
Amazing how they go around!
Amazing how they go around!
There's a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy waiting to get coffee. The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Hey, I really don't like you." The Chinese guy asks "Why not?". The Jewish guy replies, "well you're people bombed Pearl Harbor" The Chinese guy replies, "That wasn't us, that was the Japanese". The Jewish guy retorts, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it's all the same."
A few moments later, the Chinese guy says to the Jewish guy, "well you know what, I really don't like your kind either." The Jewish guy asks "what do you have against the Jews?" The Chinese guy replies, "well you sunk the Titanic!" The Jewish guy tells him "That wasn't us, that was an iceberg". The Chinese guy retorts, "Iceberg, Rosenberg, Goldberg, they're all the same"
A few moments later, the Chinese guy says to the Jewish guy, "well you know what, I really don't like your kind either." The Jewish guy asks "what do you have against the Jews?" The Chinese guy replies, "well you sunk the Titanic!" The Jewish guy tells him "That wasn't us, that was an iceberg". The Chinese guy retorts, "Iceberg, Rosenberg, Goldberg, they're all the same"
Xevious
CAGiversary!
[quote name='jaykrue']This is one is for Zenithian Legend:
A guy walks into a bar and notices the horse. He then asks the bartender, "What's the horse for?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you make the horse laugh, you'll get $2000. But I gotta warn ya. It's tough. No one's ever been able to do it." So the guy walks up to the horse and whispers in its ear and the horse starts guffawing like there's no tomorrow. The shocked bartender hands the guy his money and was about to ask how he did it but he had already left. 5 years later, the guy walks back in and notices the horse again. The bartender sees the guy and says, "Hah! This time I've got ya! Make him cry and you'll get 5 big ones." Once again, the guy just shrugs and casually walks over and a split second later, the horse is bawlin' its eyes out. The bartender twice as shocked is about to hand the guy his money but then comes to his senses and asks him, "Ok, before I give you your money, you gotta tell me how ya did it. It's been buggin' me all these years." The guy, a laid back fellow, shrugs and says, "Well, the first time, I told the horse I had a bigger penis and then the second time I showed him."[/quote]
Thats not a joke....Thats a true story. It happened a couple of years ago when I walked in the bar and met Zenithian Legend. You guys know the rest of the story......
A guy walks into a bar and notices the horse. He then asks the bartender, "What's the horse for?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you make the horse laugh, you'll get $2000. But I gotta warn ya. It's tough. No one's ever been able to do it." So the guy walks up to the horse and whispers in its ear and the horse starts guffawing like there's no tomorrow. The shocked bartender hands the guy his money and was about to ask how he did it but he had already left. 5 years later, the guy walks back in and notices the horse again. The bartender sees the guy and says, "Hah! This time I've got ya! Make him cry and you'll get 5 big ones." Once again, the guy just shrugs and casually walks over and a split second later, the horse is bawlin' its eyes out. The bartender twice as shocked is about to hand the guy his money but then comes to his senses and asks him, "Ok, before I give you your money, you gotta tell me how ya did it. It's been buggin' me all these years." The guy, a laid back fellow, shrugs and says, "Well, the first time, I told the horse I had a bigger penis and then the second time I showed him."[/quote]
Thats not a joke....Thats a true story. It happened a couple of years ago when I walked in the bar and met Zenithian Legend. You guys know the rest of the story......
sblymnlcrymnl
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[quote name='BigDirty']There's a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy waiting to get coffee. The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Hey, I really don't like you." The Chinese guy asks "Why not?". The Jewish guy replies, "well you're people bombed Pearl Harbor" The Chinese guy replies, "That wasn't us, that was the Japanese". The Jewish guy retorts, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it's all the same."
A few moments later, the Chinese guy says to the Jewish guy, "well you know what, I really don't like your kind either." The Jewish guy asks "what do you have against the Jews?" The Chinese guy replies, "well you sunk the Titanic!" The Jewish guy tells him "That wasn't us, that was an iceberg". The Chinese guy retorts, "Iceberg, Rosenberg, Goldberg, they're all the same"[/quote]
A few moments later, the Chinese guy says to the Jewish guy, "well you know what, I really don't like your kind either." The Jewish guy asks "what do you have against the Jews?" The Chinese guy replies, "well you sunk the Titanic!" The Jewish guy tells him "That wasn't us, that was an iceberg". The Chinese guy retorts, "Iceberg, Rosenberg, Goldberg, they're all the same"[/quote]
And now, Lil Johnny Theatre:
The teacher was having a 'Imagine Time" teaching lesson for the 1st graders. Basically she would describe something and someone had to figure it out. First she said, "Ok kids, now what is orange and grows on trees?" Billy raised his hand and said,"organutans!" "Not quite Billy, I was thinking of oranges but I like how you think." She then said, "Ok, now, what has 2 wings and flies really fast?" Sandy spoke up and said, "A bird!" "Not quite Sandy, I was thinking of an airplane, but I like how you think." The teacher then said, "Ok, now what's soft, furry and..." Just then Dirty Lil Johnny threw up his hands and said, "A vagina!" The blushing teacher curtly replied, "No Johnny. It wasn't that. You should learn to wait until I finish describing something." Johnny, still michieviously smiling said, "Well, Ms. Smith, I have one for you! What's long, hard and full of seamen?" Despite her better judgement, she answered to shut the brat up, "A penis." "Not quite Ms. Smith, I was thinking of a boat, but I like how you think."
Lil Johnny and Sandy, the girl next door, were good friends but bitter rivals. They would compete in everything. If Sandy had rollerblades, Johnny had a bike. If Johnny had a Nintendo, Sandy would have a Genesis. If Sandy went to an amusement park, Johnny would go to Disneyworld. Unfortunately, this childhood rivalry was starting to take its toll on the parents. One day, Sandy's dad came home one day to find Sandy sobbing her eyes out. He asked, "What's the matter, princess?" "*sniff* Well, you know Johnny next door? Well, today he showed me something that I will never have!" Her father and Johnny's were rich men so it puzzled him as to what could Johnny's dad possibly have that he could not afford as well? He asked her, "What does he have?" "He showed me his peepee." At that, Sandy's dad, was furious for 2 reasons. One is that the little brat next door flashed his angel. The other is that Johnny's dad probably had a hand in this. The rivalry it seems had escalated to even the adults. Sandy's dad was not gonna have any of this. He then whispered into her ear and then she smiled. The next day, Johnny came up and flashed her again and said, "Haha! I win! You don't have one!" She then stuck out her tongue and lifted her skirt. She then said, "Nyah, nyah! My daddy told me that w/ one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
The teacher was having a 'Imagine Time" teaching lesson for the 1st graders. Basically she would describe something and someone had to figure it out. First she said, "Ok kids, now what is orange and grows on trees?" Billy raised his hand and said,"organutans!" "Not quite Billy, I was thinking of oranges but I like how you think." She then said, "Ok, now, what has 2 wings and flies really fast?" Sandy spoke up and said, "A bird!" "Not quite Sandy, I was thinking of an airplane, but I like how you think." The teacher then said, "Ok, now what's soft, furry and..." Just then Dirty Lil Johnny threw up his hands and said, "A vagina!" The blushing teacher curtly replied, "No Johnny. It wasn't that. You should learn to wait until I finish describing something." Johnny, still michieviously smiling said, "Well, Ms. Smith, I have one for you! What's long, hard and full of seamen?" Despite her better judgement, she answered to shut the brat up, "A penis." "Not quite Ms. Smith, I was thinking of a boat, but I like how you think."
Lil Johnny and Sandy, the girl next door, were good friends but bitter rivals. They would compete in everything. If Sandy had rollerblades, Johnny had a bike. If Johnny had a Nintendo, Sandy would have a Genesis. If Sandy went to an amusement park, Johnny would go to Disneyworld. Unfortunately, this childhood rivalry was starting to take its toll on the parents. One day, Sandy's dad came home one day to find Sandy sobbing her eyes out. He asked, "What's the matter, princess?" "*sniff* Well, you know Johnny next door? Well, today he showed me something that I will never have!" Her father and Johnny's were rich men so it puzzled him as to what could Johnny's dad possibly have that he could not afford as well? He asked her, "What does he have?" "He showed me his peepee." At that, Sandy's dad, was furious for 2 reasons. One is that the little brat next door flashed his angel. The other is that Johnny's dad probably had a hand in this. The rivalry it seems had escalated to even the adults. Sandy's dad was not gonna have any of this. He then whispered into her ear and then she smiled. The next day, Johnny came up and flashed her again and said, "Haha! I win! You don't have one!" She then stuck out her tongue and lifted her skirt. She then said, "Nyah, nyah! My daddy told me that w/ one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
Mookyjooky
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Halo Joke... "What do you call a Full Warthog??"
"Triple kill....."
Aw, come on!! That was funny!!!..........right?
"Triple kill....."
Aw, come on!! That was funny!!!..........right?
sblymnlcrymnl
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[quote name='jaykrue']How do you fit more guys in an already crowded gay bar?
Turn over the stools.
What's the definition of confusion?
Blind lesbians in a fish market and father's day at a hillbilly family gathering[/quote]
I've also heard father's day in Harlem.
Turn over the stools.
What's the definition of confusion?
Blind lesbians in a fish market and father's day at a hillbilly family gathering[/quote]
I've also heard father's day in Harlem.
Which state do Michael Jackson, Dubya Bush, and Dimebag Darryl's killer come from?
Denial
What do you do when a 800 pound gorilla sits on your keys?
Make new keys
Why did the blonde put toothpaste in her vagina?
Because someone told her it was a cavity
What did the blonde do when she heard 90% of all accidents happen at home?
She moved
What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men?
Her legs
Ever hear of the blonde who died while making orange juice?
On top of the container it said concentrate
If a tree fell in the forest, would a bear shit on it? (some people don't think this one's that funny but it cracks me up every time I hear it)
Denial
What do you do when a 800 pound gorilla sits on your keys?
Make new keys
Why did the blonde put toothpaste in her vagina?
Because someone told her it was a cavity
What did the blonde do when she heard 90% of all accidents happen at home?
She moved
What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men?
Her legs
Ever hear of the blonde who died while making orange juice?
On top of the container it said concentrate
If a tree fell in the forest, would a bear shit on it? (some people don't think this one's that funny but it cracks me up every time I hear it)
[quote name='jughead']uhh whats is the end to your last joke[/quote]
Hah, that's why a lot of ppl didn't think it was funny. It's supposed to be a play on the philosophical questions, "If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?" and "Does a bear shit in the woods?" Low brow, I know but, like I said before, it cracks me up!
Hah, that's why a lot of ppl didn't think it was funny. It's supposed to be a play on the philosophical questions, "If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?" and "Does a bear shit in the woods?" Low brow, I know but, like I said before, it cracks me up!
AshesofWake
CAGiversary!
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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
_______________________________
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the management denies your
request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH
brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the
management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are
often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be
pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift.
7. You dont always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area
before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been
seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
_______________________________
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the management denies your
request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH
brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the
management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are
often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be
pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift.
7. You dont always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area
before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been
seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
AshesofWake
CAGiversary!
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Dear Tech Support:
This summer I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 103,
Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 36
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.. (KEEP READING)
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 30,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once
this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system
This summer I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 103,
Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 36
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.. (KEEP READING)
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 30,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once
this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system
Kayden
Banned
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never
did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I
was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted
to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never
did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I
was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted
to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Kayden
Banned
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
"MOUNT & DO"
Maklershed
CAGiversary!
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[quote name='Kayden']In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"[/quote]
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"[/quote]
Kayden
Banned
This ones for the ladies... ... both of them. :lol:
Ole took Helga home with him and took off his shirt.
Helga says, "Ole, dat's some chest you have dare."
Ole says, "Helga, dat's a hunnert-seventy pounds of
dynamite."
Next Ole took off his pants.
Helga says, "Ole, dat's nice calves you have dare."
Ole says, "Helga, dat's a hunnert-seventy pounds of
dynamite."
Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants.
Helga screamed and ran out the door.
Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching
her, Ole said, "Helga, viy did you run out like dat?"
Helga says, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas
going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas!"
Ole took Helga home with him and took off his shirt.
Helga says, "Ole, dat's some chest you have dare."
Ole says, "Helga, dat's a hunnert-seventy pounds of
dynamite."
Next Ole took off his pants.
Helga says, "Ole, dat's nice calves you have dare."
Ole says, "Helga, dat's a hunnert-seventy pounds of
dynamite."
Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants.
Helga screamed and ran out the door.
Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching
her, Ole said, "Helga, viy did you run out like dat?"
Helga says, "Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas
going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas!"
A
Apossum
Guest
So this guy is at the beach on vacation. At night, he gets bored, so goes and gets a whore. He 
s her under a bridge somewhere, hands her $20 and goes home.
The next night, he does the same thing with the same whore. While he'sing her, she farts twice, he finishes and pulls out. he says "thanks" and hands her $25. She asks him why he gave her $5 more. he responds: "that's for blowing the sand off my balls."
--------------
A teacher asks her class "if 3 birds are sitting on a branch and someone shoots one off, how many birds are left?"
A smart aleck kid responds: "0. if the birds hear a gunshot, they're going to get the hell out of there."
The teacher says "that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think." This aggravates the kid so he retorts-- "let me ask you a question: 3 women are sitting on a bench eating bananas. One is licking it, another is biting it and the last one is sucking it. Which one is married?"
the teacher says "well, it's obviously the one biting it."
The kid counters-- "no, actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
s her under a bridge somewhere, hands her $20 and goes home. The next night, he does the same thing with the same whore. While he's
ing her, she farts twice, he finishes and pulls out. he says "thanks" and hands her $25. She asks him why he gave her $5 more. he responds: "that's for blowing the sand off my balls." --------------
A teacher asks her class "if 3 birds are sitting on a branch and someone shoots one off, how many birds are left?"
A smart aleck kid responds: "0. if the birds hear a gunshot, they're going to get the hell out of there."
The teacher says "that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think." This aggravates the kid so he retorts-- "let me ask you a question: 3 women are sitting on a bench eating bananas. One is licking it, another is biting it and the last one is sucking it. Which one is married?"
the teacher says "well, it's obviously the one biting it."
The kid counters-- "no, actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
:???: #-o
HumanSnatcher
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What do you give the blond who has everything? Penecillian
Two brunetts and a blode are in the hospital awaiting their first born. The first brunett says "I'm gonna have a boy because I was on top." Second brunett says, "I'm gonna have a girl because I was on the bottom." The blonde looks at the with deer in the headlights eyes and says, "UH OH! I'm gonna have puppies!"
Now for the most digusting one I know: How do you make a little boy cry for a second time? Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear...
Hey, I don't think its worth telling unless its a sick joke lol
Two brunetts and a blode are in the hospital awaiting their first born. The first brunett says "I'm gonna have a boy because I was on top." Second brunett says, "I'm gonna have a girl because I was on the bottom." The blonde looks at the with deer in the headlights eyes and says, "UH OH! I'm gonna have puppies!"
Now for the most digusting one I know: How do you make a little boy cry for a second time? Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear...
Hey, I don't think its worth telling unless its a sick joke lol
AlbinoNinja
CAGiversary!
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- 4 (100%)
women's rights
HumanSnatcher
CAGiversary!
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Whats long and hard that a Polish girl gets on her wedding night? A new last name
Whats long and hard that a Polish girl gets on her wedding night? A new last name
Blade
CAG Newbie
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Kayden
Banned
!@!@@$@%!!!%%%!!!!! :lol: [quote name='Blade']Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"[/quote]
Xevious
CAGiversary!
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's, OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's, OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
bread's done