What Uncle Jesse Would Do
Have you ever found yourself in a situation wishing that you were sweet like Uncle Jesse? Considering the fact that you are yourself, and not Uncle Jesse, chances are that you have. This section was designed with such circumstances in mind. In an effort to embassatate the sweet-i-tude that is Uncle Jesse to the entire world, we here at "WWUJD?" have, in fact, tested Uncle Jesse in a variety of situations to see how he would react.
• Situation #1: Your child comes home from school complaining that a bully has been harassing him and taking his lunch money at recess...
What Uncle Jesse Would Do: Uncle Jesse's child is the one beating up on your child. This is because Uncle Jesse has raised his child not to be a big wuss. If you were a better parent, maybe you wouldn't have these problems. Try getting a motorcycle, and getting better hair...that might help, but your kid will still probably get the crap kicked out of him by Uncle Jesse's kid.
• Situation #2: You come out from getting your haircut (by your barber named Alejandro) to find that someone has tipped over your motorcycle and torn your leather jacket in the process...
What Uncle Jesse Would Do:
This, this, and
this.
• Situation #3: Your fiancee wants you to get married someplace lame (like Nebraska), rather than someplace sweet (like a chapel shaped like a giant sideburn in Graceland)...
What Uncle Jesse Would Do: Uncle Jesse would go to Graceland and marry himself. You, however, will probably get whipped into going to Nebraska...cause you're a big wuss.
• Situation #4: Your partner in advertising goes behind your back when making a presentation to important clients by incorporating little, dancing puppet cats into said presentation...
What Uncle Jesse Would Do: We had trouble finding someone dumb enough to double cross Uncle Jesse...so we called
Steven Segal. He was busy eating a sandwich, but said he'd help us out when he was done. We finally picked him up from his tent in the woods and sent him into the meeting with Uncle Jesse. When Steven Segal pulled out the little, dancing puppet cats, Uncle Jesse went ape-shit. He picked up Steven Segal and smashed his head in a briefcase. Then, he threw the briefcase down the elevator shaft. Then, he drove his 1969 Mustang (named Sally) down to the bottom of the elevator shaft and rolled back and forth over Steven Segal like a hundred times. Then he went back upstairs and fought in the Civil War, and he won.
