Love Hurts

maxpower0965

maxpower0965

CAGiversary!
Feedback
136 (99%)
Just like the title states "Love Hurts". I know some of you will think why post this here? Why not? Anyways I'm not posting this for sympathy or anything like that, but more of getting what I feel off my chest, and maybe to see how others dealt with heart break I guess. I'm not one to really open up and share my feelings or what not, but I guess why not. You can post what you went through and how you dealt with it, if you like.

Well, I have been with this girl since I was a senior in high school and she was a junior. We have been together for eight years last month. We had been together so long she was like my wife. I told everyone she was I was going to make official as well. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful person in my life. Our relationship was great, and even more so when our first child was born a year and a half ago. That was the greatest moment of our entire life. As of today that amazing life we hoped to continue to have together ended.

I guess I knew it was going to happen it wasn't a shocker when it happened, yet I didn't want to believe it. I blame my self for the way things went. We tried to work things out we said we would try. We did for two weeks, but it was today our eight year relationship ended. I also found out she is interested in someone else that works with her, but what hurts the most is my son not having both parents together. This gets much worse for me or maybe not I was going to propose to her Monday when the engagement ring I ordered was going to be delivered, but I guess not. I know you're thinking why would I propose if I knew it was gonna end. I guess I was just in denial or just didn't believe it was so.

Sorry for my long wall of text. I know most won't care and that's fine, but I'm just here to see what anyone who has gone through a heart break did to deal with it? I know time heals all wounds, but damn, it's gonna be a long time until this wound of my can heal.
 
I hope creating this thread was in some way or form therapeutic for you.

As far as coping the best thing you can do is just create some space or distance between the two of you. This obviously becomes more difficult based on the fact you two share a child together.

It sounds like you were self aware enough to know you two were on the ropes but in denial enough to keep trying (either that or you're stubborn).

I don't mean that to come off as criticism though. I've learned that if you have a gut feeling that a relationship isn't going to work all you're doing is delaying the inevitable and it's always better to face these kinds of things head on versus stalling and drawing them out.

I'm sure you'll bounce back. Surround yourself with positive people and work hard at creating an individual identity for yourself.

 
GBAstar said:
I hope creating this thread was in some way or form therapeutic for you.

As far as coping the best thing you can do is just create some space or distance between the two of you. This obviously becomes more difficult based on the fact you two share a child together.

It sounds like you were self aware enough to know you two were on the ropes but in denial enough to keep trying (either that or you're stubborn).

I don't mean that to come off as criticism though. I've learned that if you have a gut feeling that a relationship isn't going to work all you're doing is delaying the inevitable and it's always better to face these kinds of things head on versus stalling and drawing them out.

I'm sure you'll bounce back. Surround yourself with positive people and work hard at creating an individual identity for yourself.
Click to expand...
I believe I was being stubborn and trying to fix our realationship for our son. I do wish things could of worked out for the best, but you're right it's better to face what is happening instead of drawing things out and making things harder for both of us.

I really appreciate your feedback you gave to me here.
 
Did you try visiting a marriage counselor? I know you weren't officially married, but you were in many ways a committed couple. It might not be too late to fix things, assuming you both want them fixed.
 
Three things, starting with the least helpful:

1. I guess you should've paid for faster shipping on that ring.

2. When that ring does arrive, you're going to fall apart, so be ready for that.

3. With how young your son is, you're going to worry more about not having his parents together than he ever will. Speaking from my childhood experience, it would be much harder on him if you would separate when he's 6 or 7 years old.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
pacifickarma said:
Did you try visiting a marriage counselor? I know you weren't officially married, but you were in many ways a committed couple. It might not be too late to fix things, assuming you both want them fixed.
Click to expand...
I did mention marriage counseling to her, so we could try to fix things out, but she said there was nothing to fix anymore. She said what she once felt for me wasn't there anymore. That was really heartbreaking when she said that, but I blame my self though. I took her love for me for granted and now there is nothing more then to just try my best and move on I guess. How does that saying go If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.

pitfallharry219 said:
Three things, starting with the least helpful:

1. I guess you should've paid for faster shipping on that ring.
2. When that ring does arrive, you're going to fall apart, so be ready for that.
3. With how young your son is, you're going to worry more about not having his parents together than he ever will. Speaking from my childhood experience, it would be much harder on him if you would separate when he's 6 or 7 years old.
Click to expand...
Your post of I should've gotten faster shipping really made me laugh. I needed a good laugh. Thanks!
 
I feel your kid the most of all. My brother went through something similar and his daughter and she now lives 4 states away and he barely sees her. She does have another 'father figure" in her life but it's not her real dad and that's a bond that can't be replaced. Make sure you put the kid first and don't use him as weapon against each other.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
I would never think about using my son as a weapon against her, but after what she texted me today I really don't know anymore.

Today she sent me a text and told me if I can do her a favor? I responded you know I will. And she said I want you to take good care of him. I told her why she would say something like that she knows I'll care for him with all my love. I told her he needs his mother in his life as well. But she responded by saying it won't be same just seeing him for a little bit.

I never would deny her of seeing him. She is making it seem like just because our relationship ended theirs has to as well. This is what really has me upset.

And I don't want to fight for custody for our son. I read online that the courts would rather have the child be with the mother then the father.
Anybody have any insight on any of this.
 
Yes, most the time the courts favor the mother. Unless you can prove she is unfit. But it sounds like she's trusting you to raise him while she elopes with this new guy, is that correct? If that's the case I would fight for custody now. Get it legalized so there are no gray areas on who the child lives with. And if you don't know this other fellow all the more reason for him stay with you. It may cost you money, but if she's not willing to fight it then it should be an easy win for you and money well spent.

And I'm not saying you would use him against her, but my bothers ex did it all the time and it was really sad to see it happen. Petty things like calling her new boyfriend "dad", being late to pick-ups and drop-offs, pocketing child support, etc.  I'm not sure what kind of person your ex is, but be ready for it just in case.

But you guys were together for 8 years. That's a long time and those long term feeling just don't go away over night, even for her, it's impossible. She may get tired of this new guy and want to fall back onto her "family". Just be ready and have resolve.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
You shouldn't beat yourself up so much and take all the blame.  Relationships are hard work and it takes to keep one healthy.  Something that stuck with me in a book I read recently (think it was called Learning to Love) is that it's BS that people "fall out of love."  Relationships fail when one or both people stop working at it and putting in the time and effort to maintain the connection.

That said, sometimes people just aren't right together.  And that can take a long time to figure out.  Especially with first love type relationships.  I also dated my high school sweet heart for eight years.  We started dating my sophomore year/her freshman year.  Had some on again/off again stuff where we'd break up for a month or two over the years.  We started living together our second year of college together, got engaged toward the end of college, and broke up for good during my first semester of grad school.  The stress of moving to a new city etc. was just too much when our relationship had been really fragile for a long time.  We just weren't good together--too different personality wise, interests wise, lifestyle wise etc. and had been living in the past.  Thankfully no kids involved (I've never wanted any, and never will).

I had another long term relationship that lasted six years that began a couple years after that one.  That was a much healthier relationship, but just lacked the passion.  We were friends first and were honestly not much more than that ever aside from the sex (which wasn't super frequent or passionate).  That ended when she had to move for work, but had been fizzling out for a while.  It really probably only lasted that long due to be long distance for a couple of years as she finished grad school 2 years before me and had to move for a job.  We did see each other 1 or 2 weekends a month though, so it wasn't totally distance.  But still made it easier to overlook the shortcomings of our relationship.

Then about two years after that I met my fiance (did some short term dating in the meantime, just never super hit it off with anyone).  We've been together for two years and things are great.  We had a lot of obstacles to deal with career wise etc. early on, but that made us talk through things right from the start and has really helped our communication and connection.  And it keeps us from taking things for granted.  We talk every Sunday evening about our weekly schedule, pick a weekly date night, make sure to talk about our days over dinner each evening (even when busy and working at home until late in the night as we both do several nights a week).  And so on.

I say all that just to say things will get better. Stop beating yourself up and blaming yourself.  Focus on how to keep being the best dad you can, take time and heal and you'll meet someone who's right for you when the time is right.  And you'll have this experience to help you better maintain a relationship in the future.

 
I really appreciate everything from all you guys. I took sometime to think about things, and I know its time for me to move on. I also found out that while she and I were trying to work things out she had been with other guy for 2 months doing I don't know what. But I know I'm a great dad and I will put this behind me and move on.

I still want his mother to be able to spend time with him but I want to take full custudy for him.

Right now she chose to move out of our apartment. So its going to my son and I. I will have my family watch him while I work. Here's my question I really have no idea where to go from here court wise. Should I just make a written agreement with his mother when she can see him or would this not work. Or is going to court my only choice?

again I really appreciate the support and help from everyone here. Thanks
 
I guess lawyer up. Find one that specializes in this sort of thing. I wouldn't know a cheaper route, I'm not really into law. But I know there's a few law-CAG on here that could give better advice.

The fact that you're not running away, manning up and taking care of your son takes a lot of courage and provesyou're a good dad.

 
As Rodimus said, talk to a lawyer about custody. You'll legally protect yourself and your son which will create a better environment for both of you. Good luck to you man.
 
I've never had a relationship that serious, so I can't quite say that my heart has ever been as broken in that sense as yours is now. However, I have found a really good release, and that is music. I play guitar, generally blues. In a really sick sort of way, I look forward to heartbreak because it makes my music have more meaning and, in a way, makes the music better, too. When you can seriously relate to something that "powers" your music, it supercharges your creativity and allows you to do things that you just didn't think possible within yourself. It's really something else.

My point is that maybe you oughta look into doing something like playing music. It can really take your mind off things and allow you to "channel" the bad into some good.

 
Don't let her move back in if/when her new relationship fails, get a lawyer and get full legal custody of your child, and whenever you start dating again, do not look for a facsimile. She is clearly irresponsible, and warning signs were probably being sent off years ago; you just missed them.

Along with these (and a few other suggestions I've seen in this thread, like picking up a hobby), it'd be a good idea to see a therapist and get yourself emotionally straight, so you won't repeat this mistake again. Do this before entering into another relationship.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
You must log in or register to reply here.
bread's done
Back
Top