Are best friend's ex's off-limits?

[quote name='dmaul1114']I wouldn't date one of my friends ex's as I don't want to hurt my friendship with him. It has nothing to do with his ownership of his ex or sexism. Just protecting a friendship.

I wouldn't want my friend dating one of my exes, mainly because I don't want to have to be around my exes. Not out of any possessiveness. Thus it just adds a strain on friendships.

And friendships can last for ever, relationships are much harder to maintain. Especially when you don't want kids and don't give a crap about getting married.[/QUOTE]

Then say this. It's a whole other thing from "no reason to risk a friendship over some pussy."

But that's your opinion. Treat it like that.

Serious relationships? Causal ones? All of them? It's complex. I don't think I'd date someone who a close friend was engaged to, for instance, but I wouldn't write it off completely.

Forgive me if my perspective is that a woman (one I'd date were I not already married, at any rate) is a grown adult who's capable of making mature decisions on their own. I'm a grown adult. Ain't nobody's business what grown adults do.

I still see a lot of my exes from time to time. Sometimes dating friends, sometimes not. Let them. They're not under my control or jurisdiction. They're grown ups that get to make their own decisions, and I'm mature enough that, if I see Bob and Samantha making out at the punk club, I'm not going to go home and cry myself to sleep and listen to The Smiths. Good for them.

Let me put it this way: I'm not a baby, so I don't get jealous.
 
I guess I would understand if the girl cheated on him, and he was really attached, but johnnypark says he backed off from the girl in fear of hurting her, and SHE took him back at one point. What does the friend have to do with any of this? His friend found interest in her and they got together. You snooze, you lose. His friend shouldn't have to sit with his thumb up his ass because johnnypark was indecisive about what he wanted.

Fair game.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']*excellent argument*[/quote]

My only observation is that the OP doesn't appear assign less blame to the girl, he's just already forgiven her.

He needs to stop listening to all the crackheads on this board, and decide whether his friendship with the dude is important enough for him to get over this perceived transgression.

I don't think either of them are in the wrong, but it isn't my perception that's important.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']Then say this. It's a whole other thing from "no reason to risk a friendship over some pussy."

But that's your opinion. Treat it like that.
[/quote]

I was just being course, but just saying I always value friendships (with males or females) more than relationships. So I'll never risk a friendship by hooking up with a friends ex (and yes I've had that situation with female friends who were gay and had a partner turn straight/bi).

Serious relationships? Causal ones? All of them? It's complex. I don't think I'd date someone who a close friend was engaged to, for instance, but I wouldn't write it off completely.
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I would, but that's just me. Maybe if it was just a hook up and the friend never had any feelings for the person I'd consider. But otherwise I'm not going to risk my friend's feelings as there are plenty of girls out there to meet.

Forgive me if my perspective is that a woman (one I'd date were I not already married, at any rate) is a grown adult who's capable of making mature decisions on their own. I'm a grown adult. Ain't nobody's business what grown adults do.
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Again, my stance has nothing to do with the girl, just with not wanting to hurt my friends.

I still see a lot of my exes from time to time. Sometimes dating friends, sometimes not. Let them.
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That's good for you. All of my break ups so far have been very messy and I don't talk to any of my exes. I think my current relationship will end more amicably though as it's ending simply because she wants to move back to Taiwan and I don't want to go with her.

Let me put it this way: I'm not a baby, so I don't get jealous.
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It's not a jealousy thing. It's:

1. My mess ups have been messy so I have no desire to see any of my exes.
2. I don't want any awkwardness with friends. Be it jealousy, or just having their exes around who they don't want to see, etc. etc.


But you're married (IIRC) so you put a lot more value on relationships than I do. I'm 30, but just don't give a crap about getting married. I don't want kids, I don't like living with a partner (did that for 3 years with one ex and it was terrible) and just have yet to be good at monagamy.

So I put much more value on friendships than relationships--thus my stance on this issue.
 
[quote name='mykevermin']
Let me put it this way: I'm not a baby, so I don't get jealous.[/quote]
Jealousy is an ugly wasted emotion.

I don't even get jealous about a lady I'm seein' hanging out with other guys. After all, if I didn't trust her completely, why would I be involved in the first place?
 
What Myke say... only in not good words.

[quote name='mykevermin']I'm still blown away by what you all think are (1) the possessive properties a man has over..."pussy"...when that man is longer dating that woman, as well as (2) that you all reduce two consenting adults to "pussy." It's nonsensical.

You all condense dating and relationships down into a "to pussy or not to pussy" dichotomy which isn't how relationships work in the real world. Not at all, even the "fuck buddy" relationships.

It's pretty ridiculously patriarchal and sexist to assign blame or cheer to the male for his decision on what to do with "pussy," as if it's a decision on his own. The OP even suggests that he buys into that concept, even indirectly, by assigning blame to the friend but finding no problem with the woman.

Christ, let me be the lone voice of dissent amongst this "bros before hos" circle jerk, but the woman made the conscious decision to date (or do whatever with - ain't y'alls business anyway how that relationship went down) OP's friend. Yet she is not held liable for the relationship; she is neither blameworthy nor sympathetic. She is an empty, vapid vessel for someone to decide whether or not to put their cock into; at least, that's how y'all come across to me.

As I said before, and was summarily dismissed by the macho man randy savage towel-snapping conversation in here: they are two grown adults. either they are both responsible or neither are. What's so hard to grasp about that?[/quote]
 
:lol: Don't think that the rest of us haven't been in messy breakups.

But that's a different issue. I have a friend who's dating a woman I can't stand. Known her for years. a vapid, melodramatic, loud, overly talkative, drama volunteer, megadrunk fuckin' *whackjob.*

Someone I never dated. She's someone I share nothing in common with, and someone I don't care to be around. That's the kind of person I'd rather my friends not date. Someone who is bad for them, a waste of time, and a tragedy to be around. Especially knowing my personality, because they're the kind of person who would raise my ire to the point that I'd say something hurtful to that person such that it would harm my friendship.

So it has nothing to do with dating in my world, messy or not, crazy or not. It has to do with whether or not I can bear to be around the person because they're cool or downright fucking annoying vapid please-go-get-hit-by-a-car morons. But even in those cases I allow my friends to be grown ups and make their own choices; it's only when their dipshit friends try to converse with me that causes problems to arise. I don't like you, and I'm not getting in your way. Bugger off. That's all I'm saying.
 
Fair enough. I was just saying I have no exes I want to see (and several that probably still want to kill me!) so if my friends were dating any of them I'd have to avoid them like the plague. I wouldn't care that they were dating them other than just not wanting to see the ex.

With my friends, I just put their exes of limits as who knows if they feel that way, or if they still love the girl and would be hurt by one of their friends dating them and having her around etc. Just not worth risking a friendship over to me. Of course I'm talking about close friends. Acquaintances etc. I don't care about it.
 
If you have exes angling for your throat with a knife, that's not an issue of propriety, it's an issue of safety. For yourself and your friend. :lol:
 
Oh I'm sure my friends (and other guys) would be perfectly safe with them. :D

I will a real asshole to some girls I dated in my younger, dumber and drunk days, so any ire some of my exes may still have for me is well deserved :whistle2:(. As I said, monogamy was never my strong point, but especially back in undergrad it was terrible.
 
1. :lol: So you're not jealous, you're just immature and can't deal with your mistakes.
2. It's not jealousy... but it may be jealousy? :whistle2:s You don't want mature friends that can deal with your/their mistakes either?
[quote name='dmaul1114']
It's not a jealousy thing. It's:

1. My mess ups have been messy so I have no desire to see any of my exes.
2. I don't want any awkwardness with friends. Be it jealousy, or just having their exes around who they don't want to see, etc. etc.
[/quote]
 
I didn't know you were friends with my uncle!
[quote name='mykevermin']
But that's a different issue. I have a friend who's dating a woman I can't stand. Known her for years. a vapid, melodramatic, loud, overly talkative, drama volunteer, megadrunk fuckin' *whackjob.*[/quote]
 
One man's man is another man's man? :lol:
[quote name='lilboo']One man's trash is another man's treasure.

/thread[/quote]
 
[quote name='Kayden']1. :lol: So you're not jealous, you're just immature and can't deal with your mistakes.
2. It's not jealousy... but it may be jealousy? :whistle2:s You don't want mature friends that can deal with your/their mistakes either?[/QUOTE]

Huh?

There's just some people it's better off cutting ties with as the relationship is beyond repair.

As for my friends, break ups aren't always their mistakes. What if they got their heart broken when their ex left them for another guy. Kind of a dick move if down the road one of their friends hooks up with the girl and brings her around etc.

I hardly think that's immature. It's more immature to be selfish and care more about yourself and your potential relationship than your friends' feelings.
 
It's immature and selfish of one person to think his feelings about his own mistakes are more important than the feeling two consenting adults have for each other.

[quote name='dmaul1114']Huh?

There's just some people it's better off cutting ties with as the relationship is beyond repair.

As for my friends, break ups aren't always their mistakes. What if they got their heart broken when their ex left them for another guy. Kind of a dick move if down the road one of their friends hooks up with the girl and brings her around etc.

I hardly think that's immature. It's more immature to be selfish and care more about yourself and your potential relationship than your friends' feelings.[/quote]
 
[quote name='Kayden']It's immature and selfish of one person to think his feelings about his own mistakes are more important than the feeling two consenting adults have for each other.[/QUOTE]

I'm looking at it from the opposite angle.

I wouldn't date one of my friend's exes because I don't want to put them in that position, as I value my friendship more than dating--again especially since I'm not a relationship oriented person.

I dont' care if my friends date any of my current exes in the sense that I have no feelings or heart ache for any of them. There may be some awkwardness as I imagine some of them still have hard feelings toward me, but I could deal with that as that's more their issues.

But I also don't think it's feelings about mistakes--so your comment is off base there. If someone had their heartbroken, I don't think it's selfish for them to not want to be around that ex and ot not be comfortable with one of their best friends (who likely supported them through that breakup) dating them. I think its more selfish for the friend to think dating that person is ok.
 
I have a feeling most of the people on this thread that have opinions of the "100% never" variety are fairly young. Life gets more complicated as you get older, and people become better equipped to deal with the issues that can arise from dating a friend's ex. Personally, if I really felt like I wanted to pursue a relationship like this, I would talk to the friend first. If he gave me an unreasonable "no way, dude", then that is when a real decision would have to be made.

The fact of the matter is, friends are very often attracted to the same (types of) women, and why should the fact that one guy couldn't make it work automatically exclude his friend? As long as you are honorable about it, and both of you are old enough to not get totally butthurt about this kind of thing, I don't see a problem.
 
That sounds suspiciously "hit-it-and-quit-it"-esque. I'm not thinking about just getting 'tang and moving on. I'm talking about a meaningful relationship.
I dont' care if my friends date any of my current exes in the sense that I have no feelings or heart ache for any of them. There may be some awkwardness as I imagine some of them still have hard feelings toward me, but I could deal with that as that's more their issues.
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[quote name='n8n8baby']I have a feeling most of the people on this thread that have opinions of the "100% never" variety are fairly young. [/QUOTE]

I'm 30, and I wouldn't date a friends ex. The one thing I see that does change when one gets older is that most want to settle down, get married and have a family and time for hanging out with friends is few and far between.

So once you get to that point you have less to risk in losing friendships since you don't have much time for them anyway, so if you're into the girl enough that it could be marriage potential then maybe it's worth the risk.

And there are always exceptions, maybe the friend knows the girls is into you and tells you he's fine with it as he has no feelings for her etc.

[quote name='Kayden']That sounds suspiciously "hit-it-and-quit-it"-esque. I'm not thinking about just getting 'tang and moving on. I'm talking about a meaningful relationship.[/QUOTE]

No I meant I wouldn't care if the hit it and quit it or had meaningful relationships as I have no hard feelings or no remaining positive feelings for any of my current exes. There are some I just don't want to be around, but no jealous, heart ache etc. for any of them so I could deal with it.

But I don't assume that my friends have the same situations (as most people are more relationship oriented, want kids, want to get married etc) so I've always steered clear of their exes.
 
You asked a relationship question on CAG. javery responded. [/thread]

The only relationship regrets that still haunt me (happily married now) are from overlooking this principle: in dating, when you're so bothered by something that you need to ask other people if you're crazy for it, end the relationship. There are plenty of girls who haven't slept with your friends; one of them is probably okay.
 
Man, there are such varied responses (which is no surprise to me), ranging from excellent advice to just blunt and perverted commentary (which is also no surprise) that I couldn't possibly respond to them all.

A few quick things:

- I already said I'm admittedly biased to her for obvious reasons. As Myke has stated, it's both or neither, and I agree with that. As Quillon stated, I suppose I already have forgiven her because I'm not really one to hold grudges. An ex who hasn't been a big part of one's life has less reason to avoid dating whoever than a close friend who's always been on good terms, IMO. If you inherently disagree with that concept, though, I suppose it's necessary to agree to disagree, because I don't know what else to say about it.

- One can't help the way they react to a situation, so I don't agree with the classification of any emotion as "immature." How one acts as a result of the way they feel determines that; if I was screaming at people, trying to pick a fight with him, or otherwise engaging in violent or outlandish behavior, I would consider that an immature reaction. I think my discomfort with the situation and the fact they still interact (even if it's just through work) is quite valid.

- @n8n8baby and similar comments (of age, maturity, and way the situation is handled), I think you have a good point, but it's not that cut and dry. Some girl I randomly dated for a brief period of time versus someone who I almost married are different situations, and I feel like in the latter it would be naive of a close friend to assume it wouldn't effect our friendship in any way, because shit's going to be weird.

Again, I appreciate all the responses. Hearing the issue be discussed to death, joked about, and so many hypotheticals that it's made me feel a little better. I know if I were a 3rd party I'd have a more varied response and be asking a lot of questions, too.
 
[quote name='johnnypark']Some girl I randomly dated for a brief period of time versus someone who I almost married are different situations, and I feel like in the latter it would be naive of a close friend to assume it wouldn't effect our friendship in any way, because shit's going to be weird.
[/QUOTE]

I agree with that 100% and don't see how people can take issue with such feelings and call them selfish or immature.
 
[quote name='detectiveconan16']Didn't you see that episode of How I Met Your Father?
That's violating the bro code.[/quote]

fuck the bro code. You know you aren't supposed to SHIT for the homies. That also applies to peeps, dudes, dunnies, commrades, bros, brahs, brothas, and whatever else they call themselves. Unless they want to walk that stroll and get that cash you do not do SHIT for the homies.
 
tl; dr

To answer the question, it's a conditional 'yes'. There's a statute of limitations:

-if 6 months have passed
-if a guy is already dating another girl; what his ex does is none of his business at this point

Now it's not simplistic as that but those are the general guidelines I abide by. Personally, I also include such variables such as:

-whether or not they were engaged
-whether or not he was even emotionally invested
-whether or not I know either party (my best friend or his ex) has an STD
-whether or not I know either party is irresponsible when it comes to long term relationships (i.e. mistaking a one-nighter as the beginning of a long relationship)
-whether or not I know either party is known to blab about their ex's proclivities (be it good or bad)
-whether or not they had children together (if you look at my sig, you'll know my stance on that)
 
Tl; dr

As long as the girl is no longer dating the guy, it doesn't matter.

Things will be weird at first, but either they'll smooth out or you'll have to choose the girl, or your friend.
 
[quote name='pacifickarma']I'd like to say "yes, they are off limits," but my wife is my ex-girlfriend's former best friend.[/QUOTE]

So...your wife used to date your former girlfriend?
 
No, his wife dated her friends ex... him... but we can all dream.
[quote name='keithp']So...your wife used to date your former girlfriend?[/quote]
 
[quote name='Kayden']No, his wife dated her friends ex... him... but we can all dream.[/QUOTE]

Hehe... No, my wife married her friend's ex!
 
Whatever, I'm busy thinking about lesbians.
617.gif
 
It's definitely not a black and white issue. If you're not comfortable with it, then don't do it. If you can handle it, do it.

I can't handle it. It's probably a personality flaw, but it would/does drive me crazy. I blame my Italian blood. :whee:
 
[quote name='detectiveconan16']Didn't you see that episode of How I Met Your Father?
That's violating the bro code.[/quote]

Thanks for alerting me to the existence of this book. I immediately went out and bought it.
 
[quote name='Paco']fuck the bro code. You know you aren't supposed to SHIT for the homies. That also applies to peeps, dudes, dunnies, commrades, bros, brahs, brothas, and whatever else they call themselves. Unless they want to walk that stroll and get that cash you do not do SHIT for the homies.[/quote]

So you're saying that friends close friends aren't supposed to do anything for each other or have any expectations of each other?

What's the point in even having or calling anyone your homies/dudes/comrades/bros/peeps/etc if you can't depend on them for anything? That's not necessarily in the context of the original question, but regarding the general statement you made about not doing "shit for anyone."

I suppose if you don't have any expectations of anyone, you can never be let down. I don't think I agree with you, though. I'm assuming you aren't being sarcastic based on the PMs we've exchanged, as you seem pretty adamant about this kind of thing.
 
[quote name='Scorch']Thanks for alerting me to the existence of this book. I immediately went out and bought it.[/quote]

Same. Awesome.
 
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