Avoiding Kids: How Men Cope With Being Cast as Predators

[Apossum]

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB118903209653018615.html

These days, if Rian Romoli accidentally bumps into a child, he quickly raises his hands above his shoulders. "I don't want to give even the slightest indication that any inadvertent touching occurred," says Mr. Romoli, an economist in La Cañada Flintridge, Calif.

Ted Wallis, a doctor in Austin, Texas, recently came upon a lost child in tears in a mall. His first instinct was to help, but he feared people might consider him a predator. He walked away. "Being male," he explains, "I am guilty until proven innocent."

In San Diego, retiree Ralph Castro says he won't allow himself to be alone with a child -- even in an elevator.

Last month, I wrote about how our culture teaches children to fear men. Hundreds of men responded, many lamenting that they've now become fearful of children. They said they avert their eyes when kids are around, or think twice before holding even their own children's hands in public.

Frank McEnulty, a builder in Long Beach, Calif., was once a Boy Scout scoutmaster. "Today, I wouldn't do that job for anything," he says. "All it takes is for one kid to get ticked off at you for something and tell his parents you were acting weird on the campout."

It's true that men are far more likely than women to be sexual predators. But our society, while declining to profile by race or nationality when it comes to crime and terrorism, has become nonchalant about profiling men. Child advocates are advising parents never to hire male babysitters. Airlines are placing unaccompanied minors with female passengers.

Child-welfare groups say these precautions minimize risks. But men's rights activists argue that our societal focus on "bad guys" has led to an overconfidence in women. (Children who die of physical abuse are more often victims of female perpetrators, usually mothers, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.)

Though groups that cater to the young are working harder to identify predators, they also ask that risks be kept in perspective. Big Brothers Big Sisters of America does criminal background checks on each of its 250,000 volunteers, and has social workers assess them. Since 1990, the group says, it has had fewer than 10 abuse allegations per year. More than 98% of the alleged abusers were male.

"If we wanted to make sure we never had a problem, one approach would be to just become Big Sisters -- to say we won't serve boys," says Mack Koonce, the group's chief operating officer. But, of course, that would deny hundreds of thousands of boys contact with male mentors.

The Boy Scouts of America now has elaborate rules to prevent both abuse and false accusations. There are 1.2 million Scout leaders, and the organization kicks out about 175 of them a year over abuse allegations or for violating policies.

These policies can be intricate. For instance, four adult leaders are needed for each outing. If a sick child must go home, two adults drive him and two stay with the others, so no adult is ever alone with a Scout. "It's protection for the adults, as well as the children," says a Scouts spokesman.

The result of all this hyper-carefulness, however, is that men often feel like untouchables. In Cochranville, Pa., Ray Simpson, a bus driver, says that he used to have 30 kids stop at his house on Halloween. But after his divorce, with people knowing he was a man living alone, he had zero visitors. "I felt like crying at the end of the evening," he says.

At Houston Intercontinental Airport, businessman Mitch Reifel was having a meal with his 5-year-old daughter when a policeman showed up to question him. A passerby had reported his interactions with the child seemed "suspicious."

In Skokie, Ill., Steve Frederick says the director of his son's day-care center called him in to reprimand him for "inappropriately touching the children." "I was shocked," he says. "Whatever did she mean?" She was referring to him reading stories with his son and other kids on his lap. A parent had panicked when her child mentioned sitting on a man's lap.

"Good parenting and good education demand that we let children take risks," says Mr. Frederick, a career coach. "We install playground equipment, putting them at risk of falls and broken bones. Why? We want them to challenge themselves and develop muscles and confidence.

"Likewise, while we don't want sexual predators to harm our kids, we do want our kids to develop healthy relationships with adults, both men and women. Instilling a fear of men is a profound disservice to everyone."

I can't say I feel weird being with my niece or nephews in public. I hold their hands and all that because we're close family, but there's no way in hell I would take a friend's kids anywhere. If anyone questioned me while I was with my niece and nephew, I would have to tell them to off in so many words. I wonder if there's any way men could receive protection from this kind of thing. The law is not biased, but the fear is culturally ingrained. I could walk out of my apartment, bump into a child and accidentally brush into them, they could go complain that I jumped out at them, and bam, there goes my life because I would have the burden of proof. I don't believe the same thing would happen to a woman.


(actually, a similar article could be written about not being able to compliment women (or having to be over-cautious about it)


There's some interesting discussion on Digg as well:
http://digg.com/world_news/How_Men_Cope_With_Being_Cast_as_Sexual_Predators

 

[dragonreborn23]

I was laughing out loud through this whole article... I mean really "men's rights activists"? Come on. Apossum, you really expect us to believe that when you go out in public you worry about bumping into a child and being accused of molestation or rape??? Bit of a drama queen, dontcha think?

 

[lilboo]

I don't think he's being over dramatic, and he never said that's what he fears when he goes out. But that shit DOES happen. It's ridiculous. You tell a woman she looks good.. OMG SEXUAL HARASSMENT! HELP HELP!!

And kids are just absolutely terrible these days. Kids TRULY do run our country..and the smarter kids who are also little pricks WOULD do something like that. It's not a matter of accidentley bumping into a kid, it's more the fact that they COULD say something and it be a problem.

Why does it seem like there are so many more laws/protections anymore?! At one point, was the generation who is in charge now abused sexually & physically ?!

Ugh

 

[Apossum]

[quote name='dragonreborn23']I was laughing out loud through this whole article... I mean really "men's rights activists"? Come on. Apossum, you really expect us to believe that when you go out in public you worry about bumping into a child and being accused of molestation or rape??? Bit of a drama queen, dontcha think?[/QUOTE]


wha...

I don't actively worry about things like that. It's called using an example, you drama queen I wasn't even saying it was about molestation or rape-- just that a misunderstanding with a kid who has been taught to fear grown men could lead to a character-assassinating accusation. cases in real life are a lot more concrete and really happen.

You think men's rights activists aren't needed as well? Maybe the law, family values patrons, Oprah, and feminists should just flip society over like a pancake, that would be great. Or perhaps you're of the angle that being aware of these kinds of things is unmanly? Really, I was expecting a sarcastic remark painting me like I think men are oppressed, but not in the first post. :lol: (p.s. I don't.)

Anyway, not sure if you know any modern parents but paranoia is pretty rampant these days-- a hell of a lot worse than when I was growing up and honestly, I would and probably will be the same way, but the point is that there are consequences for such heavy protection.

It's apparently a real issue, it's getting press in the WSJ. Just wondering what people make of it because it's pretty undiscussed. Don't point at me because today is one of the few times I've considered this idea as well.

 

[Chacrana]

I know where these guys are coming from. I wouldn't be surprised if I was taken for a child predator, but then, I'm not just sitting by little Timmy...