VanillaGorilla
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I was driving home from work today, when it dawned upon me that I was currently out of bathroom tissue. So instead of stopping at the nearest gas station and sneaking a couple freebies out of the restroom in my jacket, I decided to actually pay money for some this time. That 1 ply gas station paper is rough on my soft, supple buttocks.
So I stop off at my local grocery store, which is one of those family owned places, that closes by 5 on Sunday nights. I walk in the door, and notice a very attractive female is working the register. So I instantly enter "Attack" mode, as I make my way to the back of the store for the toilet tissue. I decide to go with Charmin Double Roll, which means you get 8 regular rolls for the price of 4. What a bargain! As I'm standing in the aisle, I catch my reflection in the freezer case, and for a quick second, I pull myself together. I make the appropriate modifications to my look, and then make my trek up to the register. Surely, this fine young lass will see my thrifty spending habits, and that can only help me in the matter of winning her heart, right?
I approach the register with my toilet tissue, and my bottle of Dr. Pepper, and place it on the counter. I notice they are selling memorial buttons for $2, for a cause I'm not sure of. As I contemplate purchasing one, for the sole purpose of looking like a caring person, she finishes helping the guy in front of me. Ok VG, get it together, it's "Go Time". I push my items toward her, and I can smell her from across the counter. She smelled like that first warm day of spring after a long, cold, bitter winter. I decided not to use my standard grocery store opening line of "so, it's the first of the month already?", and went with something a little more traditional. As she began to scan my toilet paper, I let out a soft "Hello." I figured she might go for my "strong, silent type" routine. She replied back with a soft "Hi." Now we're getting somewhere...
As she rang up my total, I handed her my credit card (I never carry cash). I held the card in a way so that she had to make some kind of contact with my fingers, as I am a strong believer in the "Fallen" effect, that I can pass on my soul to others through contact. As we both waited for my receipt to print out, I could feel the tension in the air. It's the kind you feel right before your dog bleeds to death in your arms on a rainy April afternoon in 2001. But for some reason, I couldn't say anything. Her beauty had paralyzed me, as if she were some kind of Grocery Store Medusa. As I signed the receipt, I couldn't help but feel that this one, like many others, was slipping away. I needed to make one last ditch effort, if I was to court this Queen of the counter. As I took my bag from the counter, I let out a sly "thank you very much." Disinterested, she looked down and replied "Yeah...". My heart dropped to the floor like my mothers panties on prom night. Dejected, I returned back to my car, and contemplated for a moment about where I possibly could have gone wrong. Perhaps she didn't like me using credit on such a small purchase? Maybe it was the end of a long shift, and she just wanted to go home? Or maybe, she didn't like my "Hustler" brand Mastercard? Whatever the reason may be, I will never know. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I saw the sun setting in the distance. Appropriate, since my heart had gone from warm and bright, to cold and dark.
But I am not discouraged. Just as the sun rises and sets, so do I. I will be back tommorrow, and this time, I'll be paying with cash.
So I stop off at my local grocery store, which is one of those family owned places, that closes by 5 on Sunday nights. I walk in the door, and notice a very attractive female is working the register. So I instantly enter "Attack" mode, as I make my way to the back of the store for the toilet tissue. I decide to go with Charmin Double Roll, which means you get 8 regular rolls for the price of 4. What a bargain! As I'm standing in the aisle, I catch my reflection in the freezer case, and for a quick second, I pull myself together. I make the appropriate modifications to my look, and then make my trek up to the register. Surely, this fine young lass will see my thrifty spending habits, and that can only help me in the matter of winning her heart, right?
I approach the register with my toilet tissue, and my bottle of Dr. Pepper, and place it on the counter. I notice they are selling memorial buttons for $2, for a cause I'm not sure of. As I contemplate purchasing one, for the sole purpose of looking like a caring person, she finishes helping the guy in front of me. Ok VG, get it together, it's "Go Time". I push my items toward her, and I can smell her from across the counter. She smelled like that first warm day of spring after a long, cold, bitter winter. I decided not to use my standard grocery store opening line of "so, it's the first of the month already?", and went with something a little more traditional. As she began to scan my toilet paper, I let out a soft "Hello." I figured she might go for my "strong, silent type" routine. She replied back with a soft "Hi." Now we're getting somewhere...
As she rang up my total, I handed her my credit card (I never carry cash). I held the card in a way so that she had to make some kind of contact with my fingers, as I am a strong believer in the "Fallen" effect, that I can pass on my soul to others through contact. As we both waited for my receipt to print out, I could feel the tension in the air. It's the kind you feel right before your dog bleeds to death in your arms on a rainy April afternoon in 2001. But for some reason, I couldn't say anything. Her beauty had paralyzed me, as if she were some kind of Grocery Store Medusa. As I signed the receipt, I couldn't help but feel that this one, like many others, was slipping away. I needed to make one last ditch effort, if I was to court this Queen of the counter. As I took my bag from the counter, I let out a sly "thank you very much." Disinterested, she looked down and replied "Yeah...". My heart dropped to the floor like my mothers panties on prom night. Dejected, I returned back to my car, and contemplated for a moment about where I possibly could have gone wrong. Perhaps she didn't like me using credit on such a small purchase? Maybe it was the end of a long shift, and she just wanted to go home? Or maybe, she didn't like my "Hustler" brand Mastercard? Whatever the reason may be, I will never know. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I saw the sun setting in the distance. Appropriate, since my heart had gone from warm and bright, to cold and dark.
But I am not discouraged. Just as the sun rises and sets, so do I. I will be back tommorrow, and this time, I'll be paying with cash.
That was a great story. Keep on telling them.
